"Flores, Stiffanie Junne K." wrote:

I just checked my mail and got some late commentary on a little story I
did for the refuge list.  So I thought I should give someone else a comment.  I
randomly
picked a story from my unread list, clicked on "reply" and then noted that for
some
reason the message seemed to be going to the person I got the comment from,
rather
than the person I was commenting on.  I thought there was something wrong with
my
e-mail setup and started to check it out before I finally figured out that both
the commentor
and the commentated were one and the same.

****

Disclaimer:  Ranma and all its characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi.

The Long Goodbye
Part 1: Akane
By: Stiffanie Flores and Restless Heart

A big, empty void.

That was what her life had become.

Hnh.  "empty" and "void" seem like a redundant combination to me.

Her eyes were distant as she stared out the window of the cab, watching as
the people and buildings sped by in a blur in  front of her eyes.  Finally,
summer break was over, and she was going back to school.  Back to college.

Not that she didn't want to see her family.  Her family missed her and often
demanded that she come home more often, but school was so far away that
she'd had to live on campus, and that meant she could come back to Nerima
only in the summer when school let out.  But she had deliberately chosen a
school far away from home.  There were just too many painful memories in
store for her here.

That would work better if she was arriving, rather than leaving.  Perhaps "There

were just too many memories stored here."

It was bad enough, those last two years of high school, when she would
wander the streets of Nerima and see reflections of him every where she

Those last two years of high school had been bad enough, when she would
wander the streets of Nerima and see reflections of him everwhere she

looked.  At that time, she had been frantic to get away from Nerima.  She
just needed a break, she'd assured herself, so that she could put the
memories behind her.  Then, she could come back, and not feel the searing
emptiness whenever she saw the familiar sights of her hometown.

That was three years ago.  After a year in college, where she had busied

That had been three years ago.  (Yes, I know tenses are a pain.)

herself with schoolwork and some extra-curricular activities, she'd thought
she was finally over him.  She'd even been looking forward to coming home
for the summer.  She'd missed her family.

But as she'd gotten out of the cab and stepped inside the Tendo dojo, the
memories had come crashing over her like a tidal wave.   She hadn't
forgotten him at all.  She'd only been keeping herself so busy that she'd
had no time to think about him anymore, but he was still there, still in her

I'd delete "only" or I'd end the sentence at "anymore" and start a new one
with "He was still there..."

mind and in her heart, and the hole in her heart was no closer to being
healed.

This year was no exception.  Even after five years, thinking of him and how

I'd delete "This year was no exception".  There's nothing wrong with it,
it just doesn't add anything to the power of your narration.

he had left her still brought her the same sense of utter desolation.  Even
in her own home, she was assuaged by memories - memories of her chasing him
through the halls, studying with him in her room, or watching him sparring
with his father before breakfast...

But this year, it was different.  Somehow, it was even worse.  Because this

But this year, somehow, it was even worse.

year, Kasumi had finally married Dr. Tofu.

She was happy for her sister.  No one had thought that Dr. Tofu would
finally get over his nervousness enough to propose marriage to Kasumi.  But
he had.  Theirs was a long and steady relationship, but it took a couple of

Their's

years before Kasumi finally felt ready to leave her family, so that she
could pursue her own happiness with Dr. Tofu.

Who's gonna take care of Soun?

There was a time when she had fancied herself in love with the young doctor,
but now, with age's wisdom, she knew that it was just a child's adulation
for a wiser, older man.  Those were foolish times, those days, for she
hadn't really known what it was like to be in love until it was too late.

It really was pathetic, she thought.  She'd had to watch him walk away, out
of her life, before she finally realized that she loved him.  By then, it
was too late.

But even if it hadn't been, would it have mattered?

She sighed.  Dealing with the ghosts of her past was always difficult, but
this time... Maybe it was because of the wedding.  Maybe it was because her
sister seemed so happy.  Maybe it was envy at the ease with which Dr. Tofu
and Kasumi's relationship had progressed.

If only it had been that easy between her and Ranma...

The cab steered towards the train station and slowed to a stop.  Akane took
a couple of bills from her purse and handed it to the driver.  She stepped
out of the car and slung her backpack over her shoulder.

She walked briskly through the station, working her way through small crowds
of people.  An elderly woman, tears running down her cheeks as she hugged a
young man holding a suitcase.  A child's voice, shouting "Daddy!"  And a
man, briefcase in hand, arms held out to embrace the little boy.

The train station - the stage of real-life, human drama.  For countless
hours she'd spent here, waiting to board her train, she'd witnessed more
emotionally-charged moments in here than in any soap opera she'd watched -
tearful goodbyes, joyous reunions...

Darn.  I never see any of that stuff.  Too unobservant I guess.

Then there's a long of chunk of stuff that I think is just right so
we'll fast forward a bit...

He stared back, his eyes infinitely sad.  "I... I can't to marry you,
Akane."

delete "to"

The smile slid from her face.  "Oh."  Akane closed her eyes.  This was,
above all, her worst nightmare.  He'd probably met someone else, she thought
dazedly.  She'd always taken for granted that Ranma would choose her one
day, that they will live happily ever after.  She'd always thought they had
all the time in the world.  Now she'd lost him, and she didn't even get the
chance to fight for him.

-whirrr- through a heartwrenching scene of parting...  Very sad.

Ranma shook Soun's hand.  "Thanks, Mr. Tendo."

"You're always welcome in our home, son," he told Ranma.  "Engaged or not,
you're part of the family now."

<cough> Um... OK.  Frankly I think Tendo would be a little less reasonable in
this situation, although I suppose it might wreck the mood you are trying to
create.

Her gaze strayed towards the crowds of people waiting to board the trains.
Directly opposite her was another platform, where another train bound for a
different destination was due soon.  Her eyes scanned the groups of people.
A young married couple with a baby.  A well-dressed man carrying a suitcase.
An old woman standing beside a little girl, who was holding her hand...

A gust of wind blew past her face, and Akane ran a hand through her short
hair as the train came into the station, blocking her view of the people in
the opposite platform.  She watched as the doors opened, and passengers got
off the train, before the people waiting on the platforms began to board the
train.

A thin cry of a buzzer filled the air, as the doors started to close.
Finally, the train started to move.  Akane watched as it picked up speed,
and sped steadily down the tracks, leaving behind only the sound of faint
whir of its engines.

Beside her, some people shifted impatiently, looking at their watches.
Their train was a little delayed, it seemed.  But Akane was in no hurry.
School wouldn't be starting until tomorrow morning.  She let her gaze stray
back to the crowd, wondering if there was someone else in this crowd who
knew the pain of heartbreak and love lost, as she did.

A pretty woman checking her makeup in a compact... A stooped old man,
wearing an old fishing hat on his head... A young man in a sharp sports
jacket, the sunlight glinting on his dark glasses... Another young man, with
his back turned to her, a huge backpack slung effortlessly over his
shoulders... He was wearing pants, and a... black Chinese shirt...

Akane felt the blood drain from her face.  Around her, the murmur of voices
faded to background noise.

... thick dark hair, pulled back in a pigtail which fell past his
shoulders...

"Ranma?"

As if he had heard her, he looked up... and their eyes met across the
tracks.

Time seemed to screech to a halt.  Even the people around them, the sound of
their voices, seemed to fade away into the background.  It was just the two
of them, seeing each other, for the first time in five years.

And he looked so familiar, Akane thought achingly.  Older, more relaxed, but
there was still that confident glint in his eyes, his easy, fluid grace...

Just then, her train came into the station, a loud, steady horn announcing
its arrival.  It screeched to a stop in front of her, blocking her view.
Just before Ranma disappeared from her sight, she thought she saw his mouth
open, calling her name...

She craned her neck, trying to see past the bodies shifting inside the
train. Someone jolted her shoulder roughly, and she stepped out of the way.

Finally, the doors closed, and the train blasted its way out of the station.
Akane quickly scanned the opposite crowd, her eyes passing quickly over the
unfamiliar faces... But there was no sign of a pigtail, no Chinese shirt.
Her heart felt heavy with disappointment...

>From somewhere behind her, someone called her name.  Her breath caught in
her throat, and she turned around, slowly, deliberately, almost afraid to
hope...

There he was, standing right in front of her.  But Akane just stood there,
drinking in the sight of him.  His beautiful blue eyes, his familiar,
athletic build, radiating strength and confidence.  His hair, black and
unruly, hanging over his eyes...

It's a lost cause, I know, but for the record, Ranma's eyes are grey (in
the anime).  They change to blue when when he switches sexes.

For five years, in her weakest moments, she'd dreamed of this, of being able
to see him again, and finally tell him what he'd meant to her, what he'd
*always* meant to her, all these years... Of how empty she'd felt, without
him, and how she'd waited for a love, a love so strong and enduring, it
would completely eclipse those feelings she'd once had for him, so long
ago...

And then, he smiled...  And Akane felt hope bloom in her heart.

Maybe she wouldn't have to wait after all.

If you are going to use this line, then earlier you should have her decide that
she does have to wait for something.  Otherwise it is a bit of a non sequitur.

I like the tone of this, and putting five years between this story and the
original
series is a good idea.  It lets you make all kinds of changes to the characters
without causing much in the way of cognitive dissonance.


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