Setsuna glanced into the rear-view mirror, then to the passenger side
of the van.  "My, I wasn't expecting everyone to be asleep THAT
quickly."

Ranma didn't even look up as she spoke.  "I'm not.  I'm just REALLY
good at faking it.  Learned in my classes."

Setsuna shot her a glance.  "You only pretended to sleep through your
classes?  What about your grades? To be quite frank, they suck."

You use glance as Setsuna's actions twice in a row.  Kinda repetitive.

"Happodaikarin!"  *BA-BA-BOOM*

"CHAOS LANCE!"  *KA-ZAKT*

"AURA BLAST!"  *THOOM*

"CHAOS FLARE!"  *FWOOSH*

It might be better to have 'Aura Blast' in lower-case, since it's not a
technique known from Ranma canon and your capitalizing it but not Ranma's
first attack makes it not fit very well.  Plus not capitilizing it would
also be a clearer way of showing that it's Ranma's attack rather than
Nemesis's, by differentiating between the two people with lower-case for
Ranma and upper-case for Nemesis.

"You know, this really isn't doing it for me.  What do you say we
forget about the projectile attacks and go hand to hand?"  Nemesis
called from a shadow.

"Works for me."  Ranma said, dropping the Umisen-ken.  Nemesis smiled
and stepped out of the shadows.  Both of them grinned.

You have Nemesis say 'doing it for me', then Ranma reply with 'Works for
me', which seems repetitive.  Maybe you could rephrase to have Nemesis say
he's getting bored, instead?

"Let's rock this place."  Nemesis stated.

Ranma let his body do the talking for him.  He rushed towards Nemesis
and arced into his near-trademarked leap kick.  Nemesis slapped his
kick to the side and responded with a punch to Ranma's back as he
passed by.  Ranma hit the ground rolling and came out of it in a ready
stance facing Nemesis.

Nemesis left him no time to attack again as he charged in, leading
with a flurry of kicks and punches.  Ranma deflected a left jab,
blocked the follow-up right cross, and used the roundhouse kick that
followed as an opportunity trap his leg and nail him with a quick shot
to the side of the knee.  Nemesis responded by ignoring the leg-hold
and took advantage Ranma's immobilized left arm with a nasty jab to
the face.  Ranma gritted his teeth as he felt his nose reduce itself
to several pieces from the blow.

Ranma dropped the leg-hold and jumped back.  Nemesis fell back a bit
as well, favoring his hurt leg a little.  Ranma reached up and shifted
the position of his nose back into something close to what it should
be.  Nemesis winced.

It sounded from earlier chapters as if Nemesis's childhood was far more
difficult than even Ranma's was.  So it's somewhat suprising how even thier
fighting abilities are.  Having Nemesis wince at a broken nose seems out of
character, since it's a relatively minor thing compared to the other stuff
he's gone through.  He acted as if it was nothing when he was completely
torn up in the fight with that guy (whose name I forget) that ended with
Nemesis casting Vindication, and those injuries were far worse.

Nemesis hit the ground, then quickly rolled to the side to avoid
letting Ranma rearrange his face with a knee drop.  He continued the
roll to gain distance, then regained his feet.  He turned his head to
the side and spit a few small, white objects into his hand.  He raised
an eyebrow, then tossed the teeth over his shoulder.

I realize this is a dream, but do senshi powers allow teeth to regenerate?
Or does the transformation sequence include a full dental makeover, with
nice, pearly white teeth and healthy pink gums?  I can just imagine Usagi
crying because she can't tell her mom why she really doesn't need to go to
the dentist, so she gets stuck with it anyway.

Ranma simply smirked and charged.  His quick punch combo was easily
deflected, the follow-up kick and knee strike was as well, but the
punch to the side of the head landed nicely.  Ranma slipped his head
to the side to avoid a fast jab, and responded with a palm strike to
the sternum.  That earned him a snap kick to the knee.  He slid back
to get out of range, then dashed in.  He wove to the outside of a left
punch, slapped the elbow up with his left hand, and unloaded an
Amaguriken-level set of punches to the ribs.  A series of loud snaps
resulted.

Nemesis responded to the assault with a side kick to Ranma's
sternum.  The force of the blow sent Ranma skidding across the
courtyard.  Ranma clutched at his chest as he stood and tried to
ignore the fact that he could FEEL several ribs shift as he moved.  A
quick inspection with his fingers revealed the damages: Cracked
sternum, eight broken ribs.

<Well, breathing's gonna be fun.>  Ranma thought ruefully.  <Knew I
shouldn't have gone for those last few punches.  And opening with the
Umisen-ken was stupid.>

Opening with the Amaguriken, you mean?  He dropped the Umisenken quite a bit
earlier and it shouldn't have anything to do with his current injuries.

Nemesis charged in.  Ranma quickly shunted his pain to the back of
his mind and tossed a quick right jab, then a left.  Nemesis caught
both and held them under his arms, immobilizing them.  Nemesis drew
his head back slightly in preparation for a head-butt, but was beaten
to the punch as Ranma slammed his forehead against his face several

Mixed use of pronouns makes this seem a bit off.  Pretty sure you shouldn't
be using 'his' for both Ranma and Nemesis this way.

times, then followed up with a savage knee to the groin.  That earned
Ranma a quick head-butt to his already broken nose and freedom.

I wasn't expecting the freedom bit.  It doesn't work well, in any case,
since 'already broken nose and' gives the impression that you're about to
describe additional damage to his face or something along those lines.  You
should rephrase or state that the head-butt knocked them apart in a seperate
sentance.

If Hotaru had actually managed to follow the emanations to their
source, she would have been surprised at how close the source was.
About twenty feet from her, in fact.  Ranko's room, to be precise.

Instead of 'follow the emanations to their source', why not use origin
instead?  Gets rid of the repeated word use.

Ranma snarled to himself as Nemesis charged in.  The fight was about
to get really nasty.  With his ribs more or less reduced to
free-floating lung puncture devices, he had five minutes left, tops.

This is... descriptive.  ;)

Ranma sank to the ground.  "Heh.  Said it once, said it a thousand
times.  'Ranma Saotome-"

"'-Doesn't lose.'  Yeah, so I've heard."  Nemesis' voice
interjected.  Ranma snapped his gaze to where Nemesis SHOULD have been
contemplating all the pretty stars.  He was getting up, seemingly
unharmed.

So, has Nemesis been going easy on him then?  I don't mean by holding back
the magical attacks, I mean physically.  After all, even in a dream world
Nemesis is supposed to weigh some four-hundred pounds, which would give him
a pretty big advantage.  I believe it was mentioned earlier that he could
lift quite a bit of tonnage, too.  This whole sequence just seems unlikely,
Nemesis was supposed to have been put through god-knows what kinda training
when he was younger against deadly creatures constantly trying to kill him.
Ranma may have been through some pretty heavy stuff growing up, but not
compared to Nemesis, or at least that's the sense you've given from earlier
chapters.

The fact that it's a dream should allow him even more chances to manipulate
the situation.  Of course Ranma would pick up on it pretty quick if Nemesis
started changing things directly and then it would be more of an even fight,
but not even trying just seems like another indication that he's been
playing around.

      Nemesis dropped his voice to a harsh whisper.  "More
importantly, why do you remember what Venus looked like at night?  Why

Younger or elder?  o_O;

Ranma shot a glance at the clock as she climbed out of bed.  <Huh.
Three A.M.  Weird, just two hours of sleep and I feel fine.>

Is this going to be a normal occurance?  At least when he's not healing, I
mean.  It'd give him plenty of time for pranks, if he didn't need but a
little bit of sleep every now and then.

"Damn it, Setsuna! Get a hold of yourself!  She's your student!  No
matter how much you want to go in there, rip off her clothes, and have
mad, passionate sex, you can't give in!"  Setsuna began to thump
something against the wall.  Her head, if Ranma was any judge.  And he
was.  However, her next words nearly made him lose his grip on the
ceiling.

"I must not seduce Ranko.  I must not seduce Ranko.  I must not
seduce Ranko.  I must not cover her in honey, chocolate sauce, and
whipped cream just so I can lick it off.  I must be good.  I must be
in control.  I will not seduce Ranko."  Setsuna drew in a deep breath,
then let it out.  "Okay, I can do this."

The fact that Setsuna knows he's really a guy makes this all the more
hilarious.  Or does she only swing that way? ;)

Jump to the left.  Avoid the lightning from the Chaos storm
overhead.  Jump over the Cat, fist to the spine as I go over.  I smile

'fist to its spine as I go' would probably work better, using 'over' twice
like this doesn't sound right.

I place the last rock on the grave of my father.  As I ponder the
grave for a few moments, I ponder the lapse in the omni-present Chaos

Ponderous ponderosions.  Ack.  There Can Be Only One.

I will be ready to take off tomorrow.  Hopefully, the ship won't
break up upon exit.  It holds everything I have left of my father.

Heh.  How does he know he can survive unaided in space, if his entire life
has been spent on Nemesis?  Not worrying about anything beyond the loss of
his father's momentos(sp?) is kind of funny as well.

I can feel it.  A shining beacon to my senses.  The Ginzuisho.  I
weave the spell to teleport to it.

I guess the planet's chaos was interfering with his ability to sense the
Ginzuisho earlier?

As my vision clears, I see her.  My Queen.  Father was right about
her hair.  It was a ridiculous sight.  I open my eyes to her aura and
am humbled.  Father was right about that, too.

I kneel and present myself.

I am eight years old.

Flash.

I close my eyes and center myself.  I must focus.  The Elders aren't
to be taken likely.  I can feel my Queen arrive overhead.  There are
others with her.  Very well.  I can deal with that.

I walk up the tunnel and into the Coliseum.  Uranus and the rest of
the Elders are waiting for me.  In my memory, I hear my father's
words.

"At times, you will face opponents stronger than you.  Tougher than
you.  Faster than you.  Smarter than you.  In order to beat them, you
must have a greater drive to live than them.  You must be willing to
go farther, fight longer, and endure more.  You must never even
CONSIDER losing."

I speak.  "Uranus!"

Flash.

My ribs hurt.  I can't see out of my left eye.  I can feel internal
bleeding.  It's hard to breathe.

I reach over and rip the top off of a bench.  Uranus takes an
astonishing amount of damage before she goes down.  Mars does too.  I
hope neither of them are seriously hurt.

  I walk over to my Queen and bend over her hand.  I have to force
back the blackness when I straighten.  After she dismisses me, I take
Pluto's hand.  A shock runs through me at the contact.  To cover for
my surprise, I state something trite about her hair.

I barely make it to my room before I pass out.

I am eleven years old.

Flash.

I watch my Princess fall to her knees.  I force myself to wait.
After a few seconds, I go and comfort her.  As she runs off, I turn to
address my Queen.

I am thirteen years old.

Flash.

I land on the dusty soil of Mimas and ensure nothing has revealed my
presence.  I can feel Sailor Jupiter.  I slowly unwind the chain from
my left arm.

By the time I find Jupiter, the chain is more red than silver.

I am sixteen years old.

Flash.

I wave goodbye to my mother from my position on my father's
shoulder.  We're going to go train.

Flash.

I laugh with my charges as Mercury cuts through the brawler's guard
like one of her knives goes through steel.  Three seconds later, the
man is, appropriately enough, out cold.

I gather our winnings and lead the way out of the town and into the
Jovian wilds.

Flash.

I laugh with my friend as I win another okonomiyaki.

Flash.

I see the surprise on my Queen's face when I present her daughter and
her bodyguards.

Flash.

I scream as my father throws me to the cats again.

Flash.

I stare down at the black-haired bundle in my hands.  Briefly, the
sigil of Saturn flares on her brow.

Flash.

I feel my body changing as I surface from the spring.  A single
glance is all I need.  My scream fills the air.

Flash.

I stare at the sun from the balcony of my room.  Something is wrong.
Something has disturbed the prison.

Flash.

I prepare myself for Herb's attack.

Flash.

I glare at the red-head across the table from me.  There's something
behind her green eyes that I don't like, don't trust.  Serenity won't
listen to me, however.

Flash.

I balance on the blade and hold my mother to my chest.  Below me, I
hear the sea, around me whispers the wind.  I am at peace.

Flash.

I stand on the surface of my planet and scream in rage and pain as my
own power rips it to pieces.

Flash.

I hover in the air and scream in rage and pain as my attack freezes
and shatters Saffron.

Flash.

I stare up at the sky.  I can no longer see the Earth.  The entire
sky is black.  Mettalia is free.  I can feel my Princess' life drain
away.  I can feel my Queen prepare to cast a final spell with the last
of her life energy.

I have failed.

      I have failed.

I have failed.

Flash.  I am the heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial
Arts.  I am Sailor Nemesis. I have many fiancees.I have one who
completes my soul. I have many enemiesI have many
enemiesIamRanmaIamArinFLASH

*STOP*

I am...myself.

I am...whole.

Darkness.

This is pretty well done, but I think you could have rearranged things to
make it better.  Instead of starting out with Ranma's first flashback after
reaching the events of Nemesis's sixteenth year, you should switch back and
forth between the two of them.  After the scene where Arik is four, you
could show Ranma leaving home, then switch to Arik, then back again, and
repeat this until you get to the end.  It would work better this way than to
start with Ranma's flashbacks halfway through and then take turns between
the two of them at that point.

Setsuna dashed forward and grabbed Ranma just before he impacted the
mirror.  She slowly lowered him to the floor, where he curled in a
fetal ball and clutched at his head.

Isn't he like four-hundred pounds now?  Or has he lost this attribute
through his reincarnation?  I wouldn't expect so, since his body has changed
rather remarkably since that last dream which would certainly make me think
that he now has his previous body.

That raises another point, actually.  Ranma could have perfect balance in
his new male form because it is what he was used to as Nemesis, so it would
be familiar despite his not knowing so.  The female body, however, wouldn't.
Not unless Nemesis had a gender-changing curse as well, which while
certainly being possible hasn't been mentioned yet.  So it's odd that Ranma
wouldn't have to adjust to his new female body.

Ranma whirled and strode towards the door.  As he walked, a visible
change came over him.  It was Nemesis who walked out the door.  He

What's the difference?  What is the change between Ranma in his new form,
and Nemesis?  He's already wearing the same clothes, and I don't think he
would have powered-up or something like the other senshi do, so what just
happened?

"Nope.  This isn't the right room."  Nemesis calmly remarked.  "I see
Uranus still has that birthmark on her shoulder blade."

I already told you this but the integration seems to be complete already, so
why would Ranma not know where Hotaru's room was?  Wasn't the whole second
half of this chapter about Ranma gaining Nemesis's memories?

Inside, Nemesis was standing over Hotaru as she lay sleeping.  She
had kicked off her covers and was shivering slightly.  He smiled, and
gently drew the blankets up to her shoulders and tucked them under
her.  He leaned over, brushed the hair away from her face, and
tenderly kissed her forehead.  The sigil of Saturn glowed briefly on
her forehead as he drew back.

"What is he doing here?"  Haruka whispered to Setsuna.  She turned to
them and softly answered.

"Can't you tell?  Is it not obvious?  He's tucking his daughter in
for the night."

Okay... I'm guessing the elder Saturn needed somebody to help her make an
heir, and Arin was picked.  She did, after all, say that she'd be interested
in him earlier, except that he was so young.  Seeing Hotaru call Ranma
'Father' should be interesting, if she decides to do so.  Haruka probably
wouldn't like it much, since she's used to being called 'papa-san' (or so
I've gotten out of fanfics, I've never actually read or seen SM).  Maybe
Hotaru will call him Father just as the whole NWC shows up looking for
Ranma.  That'd be fun... ;)

You had entirely too much fun writing this chapter.  I can tell.  Despite
your assurances that you've seen your birth certificate and that you aren't
really a bastard, I don't believe you.  You are!  You most definitely are!

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