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From: David A. Tatum <desaix@sysnet.net>
To: Xelan Metallium <xelan@linainverse.com>
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Patlabor] Friends In High Places
Date: Wednesday, July 04, 2001 2:46 PM
Wow! A Patlabor fanfic! I better make good on my promise to provide c&c
to every Patlabor fanfic out there in order to encourage more being
written...
(I'm on a personal campaign to see more Patlabor fanfics out there than
Ranma fanfics... um, I know, it's impossible, but a goal is a goal...)
(Certain characters copyright Masami Yuki / Headgear / Shogakukan,
as all fans well know. Original characters (if any) belong to me.
No copyright infringement intended. Remember: suing people is a bad
thing.) ^_^
Hmm... this based on the manga or the anime, just out of curiousity?
stopping her. A feeling of melancholy had settled over her and now had
her firmly in its grips. The feeling wasn't exactly new to her. She
had experienced feeling exactly like this off and on for her entire
Too many 'feeling's too close together. And 'experienced feeling exactly
like this' is awkward, considering feeling is singular. I suggest
'experiences this exact same feeling' instead.
Considering that it wasn't very often that the only person in the
world who had ever defeated her in fair labor combat was on the other
end, the choice of topic, labors, was to be expected.
Well, I haven't finished reading, but I'm fairly sure you're talking about
Noa. Noa never ACTUALLY defeated Kanuka in one-on-one labor combat. She
came CLOSE, but she didn't succeed.
"So, how is Alphonse holding up?" she asked with genuine interest.
"And for that matter, how's your husband? I imagine that Asuma is
still running Shinohara Heavy Industries?"
How far into the future of the series IS this, anyway? I mean, there's
obviously plenty of things that happened between the original series and
this fic... but this makes me wonder. Asuma is STILL running Shinohara?
Meaning that he's been running it for quite some time... and further down,
you mention that Asuma and this girl (Again, I'm still just assuming it's
Noa, but I'm fairly sure I'm right) are on their honeymoon. How old are
they? Considering that even at the end of the Patlabor TV\OAVs, Asuma's
still unsure his father will leave him anything in his will, it seems to me
that it isn't likely he'd be running it for some time. And if he's been
running it for a while, that means this is happening several years after
the series is over... but Noa and Asuma were just married? How old are
they?
They discussed the latest news on all their old friends from the SV2,
Ohta in particular. It was only when The Question came up. "Isn't this
call costing you a fortune? I mean calling all the way from Japan
costs kilos of yen. You're calling from where?! You decided to spend
your honeymoon here, in New York! I can't believe it. Why didn't you
let me know you were coming?"
I think that would be 'thousands' of yen, not kilos. Also, capitalizing
'The Question' makes it seem like you're trying to emphasize it as being
highly dramatic and important. However, the question itself doesn't seem
to justify it.
Industries, now can I?" a chuckle escaped her mouth and what could be
construed as a giggle could be heard coming from the phone receiver.
Tommorrow would be interesting.
'a' from 'a chuckle' should be capitalized, and an extra space should be
before it.
I should point out there are a few times I want to say something, but I'm
afraid the problem is a stylistic difference rather than one I should be
correcting. For example, I feel that saying tomorrow would be interesting
sounds like a point of view violation- similar to one I sometimes make, and
often forgivable if used appropriately- the most coming being if it's
written in such a way that you can believe it's the character saying this,
not the author. However, I'm not getting that feeling- it sounds more like
the authors perspective than Kanuka's. This is the third or fourth such
instance that I've noticed, and I'm thinking it's a style difference than
anything. I don't particularly like it, myself, but outside of this one
instance I won't point it out again because it IS your work and should
follow your own style. If it isn't intentional, though, I suggest you go
through it and look out for these kinds of things.
By the way, if it's their honeymoon, I would assume that Noa would want her
husband with her when she came by... but glancing down I don't notice him
showing up at the facilities with her, even to watch. (He could show up,
later- again, I still haven't finished reading- but I would expect him to
show up earlier)
Labor Combat. It was almost ironic that the first and only pilot to
best her would soon solve both her problems. Relief from boredom and
help in teaching her students a valuable lesson.
Forgive me, but how is that ironic? It doesn't follow any definition of
the word I've ever heard.
"The three people that I have selected, have been selected for their
'unique' approaches to labor piloting. They are to engage Mrs.
Shinohara, who will be fighting in one of the AV-98 Ingrams that we
have been keeping in storage. This will be a no holds barred, all-out,
free for all. I want none of you to hold back at all. No weapons will
be allowed, except for the inherent capabilities of each labor. The
objective is to incapacitate your opponent."
Not even the electromagnetic batons? Those are an essential weapon of a
Patlabor, and Noa uses it in every single battle she fights in the series.
They're reasonably 'safe' weapons, as well...
At that moment, Noa Shinohara (If you didn't figure it out, shame on
you) emerged from the inky black depths of the old maintenance hangar.
I did figure it out, except your hiding it until now made me think you were
trying to surprise us. And that parenthesis is distracting to the flow of
the story- I suggest you cut it out.
The labor she was riding in still looked as good as the day they had
retired it from active duty, the day when the first shipment of Type
Zero labors had arrived. Kanuka's eyes surveyed her monitor and
finally came to rest on the upper torso of the Ingram. The name
painted on the chest of the labor had been chosen specifically by
Kanuka herself. A sort of tribute for the only pilot to ever beat her
in a fair fight. In large black letters and accompanied by the
Katakana for the same, it spelled out clearly, Alphonse II. Noa must
be having the time of her life.
Curious. Kanuka was the one who, early on in the series, protested against
any kind of customizing of the labors themselves, claiming that the only
important thing was the movement disk. She was also the one most visibly
frustrated with Noa's love of labors. Obviously, she's changed a lot in
the years since her stint with SV2, but there doesn't seem to be enough
story left to explain why... this is a very Kanuka-centered fic; it seems
you're only allowing Kanuka herself to have any dialog (though even that
appears to be heavily cut), but Kanuka's motives aren't very clearly shown
in this fic. (They're TOLD to us, but as many professors will tell you,
it's more important to show than it is to tell). It needs that.
thanks for allowing Noa to blow off some steam. As Kanuka stepped
through the doorframe, she had one last extremely pleasing thought,
"It's nice to have friends in high places."
The End
I'm not sure 'pleasing' is the right word there... encouraging, maybe, but
I wouldn't associate 'pleasing' with that particular statement. *shrug*
At any rate, it's very nice to see another Patlabor fanfic out there. It's
a very under-utilized series, in my opinion- there's a LOT of potential for
fanfiction, but there's hardly any out there. If anyone wants to write
Patlabor fanfiction and can't come up with an idea, e-mail me. I've got
literally thousands of ideas for Patlabor fanfiction scribbled on various
pieces of paper, and I'm more than willing to share.
Author's Notes:
Thanks for reading my first official Patlabor fic. I want to
especially thank David A. Tatum. Since he is one of, if not the most
Heh... thanks.
well-known Patlabor Fiction writers. I was greatly influenced by his
work. His fic, "Patlabor: On the Run" was my inspiration for this. He
also managed the FFML-R while the FFML was on hiatus. Now, if only he
would update his own page more often. ;)
Heh... I haven't updated it in a few months largely because I'm thinking of
moving it soon. I need to work some things out before I get the new space
and make the move, but when I do make the move I intend to make a rather
large update... I've got 9 chapters of a Voltron fic, a Ranma spamfic, a
Patlabor lemon, the completed version of Patlabor: On the Run, and... maybe
another change or two to make to the page when I do.
(Don't worry, I won't exactly be abandoning the old page, but I do intend
to move to an new one soon)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
desaix@sysnet.net
Sir Desaix, member # 116 of the Knights of the True Fiancee
anime fanfics available at
http://www.geocities.com/zednik.geo/fanfics.htm
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