To reply, post publically or e-mail the author at sommer@3rdm.net
Enjoy!

The FFML Refugee List


Decide to redo these two chapters into one and sharpened things up.
Starting
to get ideas for the next chapter of this as well. With luck, might even
get
enough to get it finished sometime this year. :)
Fusions That Should Never Be I
SailorEva
Chapter 1


[Insert absolutely inane banter]
As you know, there are some people that insist that anything can be fused
with anything. Though technically true, this is not necessarily a good
thing. For example Mad Bull/Magical Girl Pretty Sammy. Windaria/Kimagure
Orange Road. Dark Warrior with anything. Ranma/Avengers...err, nevermind
about the last one, but you get the idea. And even though some of them can
be put together and if by some miracle it can work...well, the way in which
it's done is all too often bungled and you end up with what is more
commonly
known as the 'BAD FUSION IDEA'. Well, here's one of the last for your
reading pleasure (or pain, they're so much alike, who can tell the
difference)? ^_^

As always, C+C is craved for.
My email is: sommer@3rdm.net

Standard disclaimer: I don't own these guys

All of my works are being stored at L. Ang's page at:
http://angcobra.jumpfun.com/dbsommer.html

It gets raunchy in some places. Very suggestive, but nothing lemonlike.
It's
all done for humor.

I think you can tell from the title what this is going to be a fusion of.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shinji Ikari was in a foul mood. First, his train was late. Second, his
ride
was late. Third, there was a giant ugly creature attacking Tokyo-3 and
blowing up everything that moved. And lastly, he had stepped in some gum
and
it was sticking to his shoe like nobody's business. The last was the
primary
cause of his concern. He couldn't even walk without feeling his foot drag
as
the chewed-up piece of unknown gray substance tried to cling to the street
while maintaining its hold on his sole. And judging by how close the giant
monster was getting to him, he wasn't going to get a chance to remove it
either.

Just as it looked like it was all over, a car skidded to a halt next to
him.
The passenger's side door opened and within was revealed an attractive
woman, about in her thirties, with long legs and her hair done up in a long
brown ponytail. It took a moment for Shinji to recognize her from the
picture she had sent earlier, the one with the gratuitous fanservice shot
which would have turned on someone with an actual spine.

"Get in!" the woman shouted as she saw Shinji hesitate right before getting
in the car. The Angel's foot crashed within ten meters of the vehicle,
forcing the woman to reach out, grab Shinji by his shirt, and throw him
into
the car before taking off at top speed.

Once they put some distance between themselves and the angel, the woman
began to speak. "Sorry I was late, but traffic was a mess." She looked
Shinji over. "Say, you look a lot like an old boyfriend of mine."

Shinji began to blush. True, whatshername, Makoto Katsuragi, if he
remembered correctly, was attractive, but she was also old enough to be his
mother. Maybe she meant someone from when she was a teenager. That made
sense. Either that or he was being picked up by a potential child molester.

Makoto's eyes traced a large bomber flying overhead. "Un oh. We'd better
get
out of here. Time to go faster."

They were already going close to a hundred kilometers an hour. "I don't
want
to go any faster!" Shinji exclaimed.

"Would you rather get blown up in the five mile wide explosion of that N2
mine they're dropping back there?"

Shinji seriously considered that. "I'd like to go much faster."

"That's the spirit! " Makoto pumped her fist in the air once before placing
her hand in an odd hole in the dashboard. "Good thing this car's been
modified especially for me."

Shinji was still wondering what she was up to when she shouted, "SUPREME
THUNDER!" There was a smell of ozone, and the car kicked up a trail of dust
as its speed doubled and they head off to their destination.


"I'm never riding with you again."

"You know what they say about any landing you can walk away from."

"That's what they say about planes, not cars. But since we were flying
through the air, I guess you're more right than I am," Shinji said with
just
a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"It's not my fault there was a little too much electricity in the system
for
me to slow down. And it's not like running into the concrete wall hurt all
that much. And you got gum on my beautiful carpeting. You ought to be a man
about it and quit whining."

"I'm sorry." Shinji hung his head low. Apologizing was as second nature to
him as breathing. Maybe even more automatic than that, when one thought
about it.

"Geez. You really are spineless." Makoto shook her head sadly. "You know,
you really, really look like that guy I used to date when I was still in
grade school, I mean besides the fact he had a spine. Are you sure you
don't
have any older uncles or something I don't know about?"

Shinji decided Makoto's incessant droning was only adding to the headache
he
had gotten when his head had slammed into the dashboard in the car wreck
Makoto cleverly pretended was parking. He tuned her out until she stopped
talking on her own. They continued walking around the massive geofront,
passing the same employee's lounge three times. "Why are we walking in
circles?"

"Exercise," Makoto said, obviously lying. Shinji was about to call her on
it
when the door they were about to go through for the third time opened on
its
own.

"You got lost, didn't you?" The speaker was a woman that appeared to be the
same age as Makoto. She was wearing a white lab coat, and had short blue
hair, as well as an air about her that implied she was intelligent. Or at
least that she had some idea that she knew where she was going.

"It was an accident, Ami," Makoto explained.

"No time for excuses. We have to get to the first holding cage before the
Commander chews us out."

'Commander.' Shinji focused on those words. Who was this mysterious
commander they were referring to? What was this huge base? Would he ever be
able to get the damn gum off his shoe?

They followed Ami Akagi to a huge room which held what appeared to be a
giant purple robot that would have been several stories high had it not
been
submerged in water up to its head. Shinji was high enough to look the robot
in a green crystal eye, and for a moment was struck by the feeling of
familiarity around it. He wondered if it was called an EVA-01, since that
was what was painted in big white letters on its neck.

"There's the Commander."

Shinji turned at Makoto's words and followed where she was looking. High in
a room which overlooked the whole area was just who Shinji expected the
Commander was. Standing there as though she owned the world, dressed in a
black business suit with twin blonde ponytails trailing behind her head and
wearing a set of glasses that appeared to be perpetually falling off her
nose, stood the one woman who he most wanted to see. The one he never
wanted
to see again.

"Shinji, it's been a long time," Usagi Ikari said in a carefully controlled
voice.

"Mother," Shinji took a moment to compose himself. "Why did you call me
here?"

"I want you to pilot that." She pointed to the Eva.

So, she didn't want him at all. She just wanted to use him, just as he
feared. "No! I'm not your tool!"

Makoto and Ami cringed as Usagi unleashed 'The Glare.' Her deep blue eyes
seemed to bore holes through Shinji. Even when she had to push the glasses
back up, the glare was still enough to make Shinji quake. Everyone hated
that look, not so much for the uneasiness one felt at having that stare
unleashed on them, but for the torture that would follow.

"WAAAHHH!" Twin streams of tears shot out from Usagi's eyes like two large
fountains and she fell to her knees. "You're my son, my own flesh and
blood,
and you're defying me! I thought I raised you to respect your parents!"

"You didn't raise me at all. When Father died, you stuck me with my
Grandparents and cut off all contact from me." Try as he might, Shinji
couldn't keep his level of anger in the face of Usagi's crying though. What
little willpower his spineless state allowed him began to flee in the
onslaught of the attack.

Usagi stopped sniffling and regained her feet, moving her glasses back up
the bridge of her nose. "Very well." She turned towards Ami, who was only
just now removing her earplugs. "Dr. Akagi, bring out Chibi-Rei."

Ami sighed and ordered Chibi-Rei brought out. Shinji watched as a door at
the end of the walkway he was on opened, and they wheeled out a young girl
strapped on a gurney. She looked the worse for wear, wrapped up in bandages
and having a long dangling IV in her arm. Shinji got a good look at the
girl
with bubblegum colored hair, pale white skin, and deep red eyes.

Shinji looked up to his mother, "She's-"

"She's not a clone of me," Usagi quickly blurted out. "Nope. Nosir. I
wouldn't clone myself. Nope. It's just an odd coincidence she looks a lot
like me when I was younger.  And I have not genetically programmed her to
be
an instrument to help me use Third Impact to create Crystal Tokyo and make
Earth into a Utopia whereby I will be supreme ruler, and separate your
father from the EVA-01 he's trapped in. Where did you get a crazy idea like
that, Shinji?"

Shinji formed a sweatdrop. "I was just going to say she's so badly injured
that maybe I should get into the Eva."

"Oh," Usagi thought about that for a moment. "Shinji, remember all that
talk
about Crystal Tokyo?"

"Yes."

"Forget I said that. I was just kidding. We're just here to stop the
Youma-"

"They're Angels, not Youma." Ami corrected.

"That's what I said," Usagi insisted. "We're just here to stop the Angels
and not take over the world. Really."

"Right." Shinji had to sigh to himself. In all of those years, his mother
was still the same. Maybe not being raised by her was a good thing.

Deciding compliance was for the best, Shinji did as he was instructed. He
finished putting on his plug suit and climbed onto the top of the entry
plug
of the EVA-01. Before entering it, he looked up to where his mother stood
high above, watching everything through aloof eyes. "You know, Mother. This
whole entry plug thing seems pretty phallic to me."

Usagi Ikari stared at her son through eyes devoid of emotion. "Of course.
It
is as I intended. As head of NERV, I am forced to make critical decisions
about such things."  She turned to Makoto and Rei, who had joined her in
the
Control Room, and whispered, "What does phallic mean?"

Makoto and Ami felt a mutual headache coming on. They flipped a coin to
decide who would explain it to their leader and commander. Ami lost.

"It, you know, has to do with the, you know, stuff you used to, you know,
do
with your husband."

"Take long romantic walks in the park?" Usagi asked.

"No."

"Spend large amounts of time staring lovingly into each other's eyes?"

"No." Ami sighed, exasperated. "You know, this." She lowered her hand to
her
pelvis and made a back and forth motions with it.

"Shake hands with really short people?"

"No! It has to do with the penis! Shinji is saying there is a sort of
symbolism between that and the entry plug into the EVA!"

"Oh," Usagi's eyes took on a knowing light, then a look of horror ran
across
her face. "Shinji! What on earth are they teaching you at school?! I never
had thoughts along those lines when I was your age!"

Ami turned her attention to Shinji. "Besides, if you think that's bad, you
should have seen where they originally put the entry plug on the Evas. It
ended up right there." Ami gave a hard smack to Usagi's buttcheeks.

Shinji stared at Ami through half-lidded eyes. "You mean it was-"

"-called the 'Butt Plug' system," Makoto confirmed. "But the idea was
quickly scrapped after there was an emergency ejection and no one would go
near the plug."

"That the entry plugs were painted brown didn't help things either," Ami
murmured.

Shinji cringed, suddenly realizing things could have been a lot worse. The
current entry plug system worked fine for him. He proceeded to enter the
plug, and was quickly shot into Unit-01. He examined his surroundings.

"What, no CD player?"

The familiar voice of Usagi came over one of the speakers in the plug.
"There's nothing worth listening to nowadays since the Sailor Starlights
were found beaten to death with a rubber dildo in some back alley."

"I don't want to know," Shinji said as his mind involuntarily tried to
visualize the information he had just been told.

Usagi began giving orders. "Prepare for LCL injection."

"I don't do drugs!" Shinji protested.

"That's LSD, not LCL. Stupid git," Ami spat.

Usagi turned her attention to the three bridge bunnies on the lower command
floor. "Makoto, inject the LCL into the plug."

"That's not my job!" Makoto, senshi of Jupiter, protested next to Usagi..

"Not you. I meant Makoto What's His Name With The Glasses Who Went Unnamed
For Nearly All of The Eva Series And Only True Eva Addicts Know What His
Real Name Is," Usagi explained.

 "Oh." Makoto relaxed.

"That's not my job either. It's Aoba's, ma'am," Makoto What's His Name With
The Glasses Who Went Unnamed For Nearly All of The Eva Series And Only True
Eva Addicts Know What His Real Name Is pointed out.

"I knew that." Usagi gave him, 'the glare,' and Makoto What's His Name With
The Glasses Who Went Unnamed For Nearly All of The Eva Series And Only True
Eva Addicts Know What His Real Name Is cowered. Usagi made a mental note to
have him replaced with some leftover cast member from Sailor Moon. Having
two people with the same first name was going to be as confusing as hell,
and it wasn't like anyone would miss the background character anyway. Hell,
they'd probably think Hotaru had always been part of the original
Evangelion
series. Besides, Usagi was getting tired of thinking of him with all of
those words added to his name.

"Aoba! Do the LCL thing!" Usagi ordered

Thankful that he didn't have the same name as one of the Sailor Moon cast
and had some ridiculous declaration substituted for it, Aoba hit a button.

In the entry plug, Shinji noticed a liquid substance begin to rush in from
faucets that had been cleverly disguised as faucets. "Hey! What's going
on?!"

"It's a specially designed liquid to help you interface with the unit," Ami
assured him.

"I'll drown!"

"No, you can breathe the LCL. Just open your mouth and try it," Ami said
soothingly.

Once Shinji was completely submerged, he did as she asked.

"See," Ami cooed. "That wasn't so bad."

"Umm, Ami. Why are his eyes bulging?" Makoto asked as she watched the
monitor of the interior of the plug.

"It takes a while to get used to LCL," Ami answered.

"And why is he not speaking to us even though his lips are moving?"

"Could be faulty speakers."

"And the reason he's making strangling motions with his hands?"

"He enjoys charades?"

Usagi appeared overjoyed at that. "Gendou-chan always enjoyed playing
charades with me. Especially when he was choking on a chicken bone during
dinners. Usually, it didn't take me more than a couple of minutes to figure
out that he was trying to sign, 'Heimlich Maneuver'."

Aoba looked at  his control panel and made a discovery. "Oh shit! I filled
it with water instead of LCL!"

Usagi ripped the microphone out of Ami's hands and spoke to Shinji. "You're
drowning? Is that what you're trying to tell us, Shinji?"

Shinji gave her a thumb's up sign.

"Ha! I knew I hadn't lost my touch," Usagi smirked.

"Flush the water and fill it with the LCL instead," Ami ordered.

After the switch was completed, and Shinji threw up all of the water, as
well as the contents of his lunch, he recovered enough to have both him and
his Eva shot to the surface. Immediately before him was the form of the
first Angel he was going to have to fight: Sachiel.

"I need a weapon!" Shinji shouted, noticing a half dissolved French fry
float past. He made a note never to throw up while in LCL ever again.

"Not yet," Usagi's voice came over the speaker "First you need to get the
proper clothes."

"Proper clothes?" Shinji asked. What? Did she consider the Eva naked? And
was that a mushroom that had passed by? He hadn't eaten any mushrooms

"To your right," Makoto's voice came over the loudspeaker. Shinji turned to
see a building open up, revealing a false interior. Inside was a gigantic
black cloak, white mask, and top hat that were all sized to fit the Eva.

"You've got to be kidding me," Shinji said. Now the pickle he recognized.

"Hurry," Usagi's voice urged, "before the Youma-"

"Angel," Makoto corrected.

"-Angel attacks!".

"No way!" He had to run away. He had to run away.

"But Shinji, you're my son. My own flesh and blood."

Sniffling came over the intercom. Shinji recognized the signs and gave up
before he was forced to bend unwillingly to his mother's demands. It took
several moments of reluctant maneuvering to actually don the ridiculous
garb
on his Eva.

"You look just like your father," Usagi began to wail slightly over the
intercom now.

Shinji rolled his eyes, then turned to confront the Angel. His sych-ratio
with Unit-01 was so high that both he and it formed mutual sweatdrops.

"What's it doing?" Shinji asked as the Angel seemed to be engaged in some
bizarre defense, rolling around on the ground and making weird noises.

"It's laughing." There was barely controlled amusement in Ami's voice.
Other
voices could be heard laughing in the background as well. "Just as ha! we
hoped. It's so stupefied by your ha! appearance, it's unable to focus its
AT
field. Teeheeheehee."

Again Shinji was telling himself he had to run away when Makoto composed
herself enough to say, "Punch the button on your left, next to the
cappuccino machine. Then reach over your shoulder and grab the weapon."

Shinji found the button and pushed it. He then did as she said and reached
up, grabbing onto something. He pulled back and brought the weapon into
view. Another sweatdrop formed.

"It's a rose." He said it without the faintest hint of emotion in his
voice.

"It's a prog rose," Makoto said. "Drive it into that red spot on the Angel
and you'll destroy it. WAHAHAHAHAHA! He looks so stupid!"

Had Shinji any spine whatsoever, he would have tossed the rose away and
left, never to go back to NERV again, and allow them to fall unto the mercy
of Sachiel. But being essentially a gutless wimp, he did as he was told,
drove the prog rose (which actually did cut very well) into the laughing
Angel's core and destroyed it.

"Well, that was certainly exciting," Shinji said dryly as he looked at the
dissolving Angel remains. After he took off the cloak and mask -the only
way
to make the others stop laughing at him- he returned to the holding cage
where his mother and the other waited for him.

Usagi Ikari had once again composed herself. Her voice was cold and devoid
of emotion. "Excellent work, Shinji. You showed grace and poise out there,
risking your life to save humanity."

"I looked like a clown and stabbed a monster that couldn't defend itself
with a rose. This is easily the lowest moment of my life."

"Ha!" Usagi said. "You think you have it tough? When I was your age, I ran
around in a tiny fuku, shouting ridiculous things like 'In the name of the
Moon, you shall be punished' at ludicrous monsters that looked like
refugees
from a Grade-B 50's Horror movie. You do that during your entire formative
years and see how much integrity you have left."

"The uniform always made my thighs look fat," Ami admitted. "It was really
embarrassing and ruined my self-esteem. It's probably why the boys almost
never hit on me."

"That and the fact Minako usually greeted every guy we met with her legs
wide open," Makoto agreed.

Usagi pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose again. "I believe I've
done enough parenting for today. It's time to decide where Shinji's going
to
stay now that he's a part of NERV."

"I'm not staying with you?" Shinji asked.

"No."

Shinji breathed a sigh of relief.

Usagi left things in Ami's care and exited the room, tripping over her own
ponytails only once. After Usagi was gone, Ami began to consider their
options. "How old are you Shinji?"

"Thirteen."

"Still a virgin?"

Shinji blushed. "Ah, what does that have to do with trying to choose a
place
to stay?"

"Everything. Now answer the question."

"Yes."

"Want to stay that way?"

Shinji's blush deepened. "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship like
that, so yes, I'd like to stay that way for now."

"Cross Minako off then," Makoto said. "If it's male, she sleeps with it.
You
know her motto, 'if it can get hard, it can get off'."

"Would you mind living with a couple of lesbians?" Ami asked.

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that either." After Shinji met Kaji, and
admitted he had passed up the opportunity to stay with a couple of
lesbians,
the older man beat the living crap out of him for "passing up the
opportunity of a lifetime!"

"Cross Haruka and Michiru off," Makoto said.

"How do you feel about religious fanatics that see visions in their fires?"

"What are you talking about?!"

"Forget Rei," Makoto said.

Ami looked up to the ceiling. "How do you feel about drunks?"

"HEY!" Makoto shouted.

"I don't mind someone that likes to drink," Shinji said, afraid of what
other options were going to be presented to him. Hanging out with a lush
sounded at least relatively normal.

Makoto felt flattered that he'd pick her. She placed an arm around Shinji
and brought him closer. "I guess it would be kind of fun having someone
like
you around. Buck up, Shinji. We've saved the world and you're going to be
living with me. Let's go out and celebrate with my buddies, Jim and Jack."

"They're foreigners?" Shinji asked.

"They're not domestics, no," Makoto said. She felt happier than she had in
a
long time. It wasn't like she was getting close to marriage, and this might
be the closest thing to a son she was ever going to have. A pity he
reminded
her of one of her old boyfriends though. That might complicate things. "I
think we're going get along fine. Just fine, Shinji."


"We're home!" Makoto shouted as she ushered Shinji into the house.

Hearing the door open, a small animal made its way to the entryway.

"That's Pen-Pen," Makoto said as her pet came into view. "He's a special
moon penguin."

"He's a bit furry."

"It helps to keep him warm."

"He has four legs."

"It's not like penguins can fly. His wings were useless anyway."

"And the tuxedo?"

"A problem with his coloring. He wouldn't be a penguin if he wasn't black
and white."

"What about the pointed ears on the top of his head?"

"The better to hear you with, my dear."

"Of course. And the yellow bill?"

"What about it?"

"Not much. It's just plastic and is attached to his face by a rubber band."

"A horrible accident with a razor and a runaway zit."

"I see. You do realize THAT'S A CAT DRESSED UP LIKE A PENGUIN!!!" Shinji
finally snapped.

Makoto was unaffected. "His grandfather was a cat, you know. Strong family
resemblance is all that it is. He really is a penguin."

'Pen-Pen' sighed. "Hey, Mako, we'd better tell him the truth. He's not
buying the disguise."

Shinji nodded his head in understanding. "Oh, he's a talking cat. Now it
makes sense." Of course it didn't really make the least bit of sense, but
his mind was ready to go bye-bye now, and it didn't particularly feel like
dealing with talking cat/penguins.

"All right," Makoto finally relented. "His name is Artemis, and he is
really
a moon cat, not a moon penguin. He's hiding out here to avoid his former
owner, Minako 'I carry more sperm in me than a boatload of horny sailors'
Aino."

"How come?" Shinji asked Artemis, afraid of the answer while knowing deep
down inside that he would never know sleep again unless he found out, no
matter how twisted and sick the answer was probably going to be.

"I was tired of being used as a sex toy."

Oh, it was way worse than Shinji could have possibly imagined.

"All the time it was 'lick me here, Artemis. Lick me there, Artemis.' I
swear I lost over half the feeling in my tongue from all of that licking,"
the moon cat snarled.

"Okay, I think you've done your work well. I'm now permanently
traumatized,"
Shinji said, really wanting to run away.

It was too late. Artemis was in full rant mode. " Orgies, orgies, orgies.
And there was 'Hamsters are your friends, Artemis. Let them do that to
you.'
And then of course there was 'go ahead and let that nice man play with you.
It'll be fun.' Artemis cringed. "The things that guy, Osca-"

"No more!" Shinji pleaded. Even Makoto was turning green.

Makoto picked up the moon penguin/cat and began stroking him.

Stroking his fur. Of course.

"Don't worry about it," she cooed. "You're safe here. Minako will never
find
you."

Shinji snorted in disgust. "Oh, and like that disguise is going to fool
her.
A five year old moron could see right through it."

"Mina's complimented me on my choice of pets and said she was considering
getting a penguin herself," Makoto said.

"Only after she asked if she could borrow me." Artemis gave a shudder.

Deciding that he had enough of tales of sex, lies, and pussies (meaning
cats, you perverts), Shinji decided to change the subject. "What's for
dinner?"

"Jello shooters," Makoto answered. And the people at work thought she
didn't
know how to make a decent meal.

"That doesn't sound too healthy," Shinji said.

"Don't worry, I'll mix some screwdrivers too. A growing boy needs his
vitamin C."

"Of course." After today, Shinji decided that getting drunk sounded like a
pretty damn good idea to him. Like Makoto said on the way over, there was
no
problem so big that excessive amounts of alcohol couldn't solve it. Shinji
suddenly had a lot of problems to solve. It was now evident that being a
neglected child was infinitely preferable to being raised by his Mother.

And this was just the first day.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The NERV Official Trademark: We're just here to stop the Angels and not
take
over the world. Really.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Scene from later in the series:


Usagi Ikari stared at the members of SEELE before her. "I need more
funding."

Lorenze Keele carefully considered that...for point five seconds. "No."

Usagi Ikari adjusted her glasses.

"No!" Keele shouted out, jumping out of his chair and trying to prevent the
inevitable from happening.

"WAHHH! Why?! I'm just trying to save the world from the Angels! And I'm
not
trying to situate things just to use Third Impact to create Crystal Tokyo
and make Earth into a Utopia whereby I will be supreme ruler, and separate
my husband from the EVA-01 he's trapped in! Why can't I have my funding?
WAHHH!"

"Fine!" Keele shouted as the rest of SEELE began covering their ears. "You
can have all the funds you want! We'll sell Ecuador! That should raise
enough money for you. Just stop crying, Ikari!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There now, That wasn't so good, was it? Some characters just weren't met to
fit into the role of others. Sure, Gendou/Usagi works fine. But
Ami/Ritsuko?
Luna/Fuyutsuki? Shinji/Shinji? No. Just a bad idea all around. Let that be
a
lesson to you all in things not to do.

Ciao.
D.B. Sommer

PS: No. Nothing in this was meant to be serious, you silly people you.

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