Just to let you know, this was written while the FFML was down.  We
decided to not post until the FFML came back.  (You know what they
say: "Every silver lining has a cloud.")

The title is, obviously, a homage to Douglas Adams.  We know he's got
his towel somewhere and is probably using it to get free Pan-Galactic
Gargle Blasters.

So, without further ado, (as most of you have probably already deleted
this), we present:

So Long And Thanks For All The Pain
The Final Revenge
By Andrew Wilson and Slacker (be very afraid)

"You call that a plan?"  To say Slacker was annoyed would be a gross
understatement.  The former author and her companions were in more or
less the same position they had been in since they were dropped in the
hellhole they had taken to calling the revenge-verse.  At the moment,
they were trying to devise yet another plan for survival.

Outlaw, who had taken to calling herself Scarlet ever since a
nano-virus turned him into a copy of the classic BGC Nene, sighed.
"Look, we've survived so far because of luck.  I don't like relying on
that.  We need training to keep up with our enemies."

"You're an idiot, Red," Andrew commented, using the group's name for
Outlaw (no way they were calling her Scarlet). "If they wanted us
dead, Conner could have done so when we took on the Dirty Pair."

"Don't say that name!" Slacker and Red chorused.

"Mmmmph!" Darth commented.  The muffled sound came from the fact that
he was bound to a chair and gagged with duct tape.  None of the other
authors trusted the demon-possessed man.  Every night (and a lot of
times during the day) they restrained him, so that he couldn't do any
damage.

"Whatever," Andrew said. "The point is we've been here for two bloody
months, and I want to get the fuck home.  Any actions we take should
be directed at that goal.  Any objections?"

"Hey, what about-OOMPH!"

Slacker removed her elbow from Red's stomach. "Sounds good."

"Mmphmmm!"

Andrew turned to Slacker. "By the way, how are the attempts to use the
Ginz-whatever going?"

"Ginzousho," Slacker replied. "It's there, and I have a few ideas
about how I might be able to use it."

"Good, we start in the morning."

"Hey," Red objected, "who made you leader?"

Slacker lifted Red by the collar. "We. Start. In. The. Morning." 

*What the hell is her problem?  Wait a minute....* Red began ticking
off fingers. "Let's see, two weeks in the spore body, three weeks
later...and that's been about a month..." She trailed off as she saw
the look in Slacker's eyes. "Oh shit."

Andrew had already done the math, and shuddered. "That's the other
priority, getting off this world before I have to go through...that
again."

*******

"Why are we waiting?" Nemesis asked. "Why can't we just blow them up?"

Thrawn sighed. "We need something from those annoyances.  And for
that, we need them alive."

"Then send in the damn lop again, it worked last time."

"Can't." Conner commented from his chair, "We already sent Bun-Bun
home with the complete Baywatch series on DVD."

"Oh, then what's next?"

"Patience, Nemesis," Thrawn advised.  "Everything is proceeding
according to plan.  Now what is the status of the mecha?"

*******

Slacker held a large knife in front of Darth's face.  "You are going
to play nice with Outlaw while we're practicing, got it?"  Not giving
the bound man a chance to reply, she stabbed the knife into the chair
between Darth's legs.

"Let's go," she said, nodding to Andrew.

The pair left, leaving Red and Darth alone in the room.  Darth looked
pleadingly at the knife.

"Forget it," Red said, hefting her katana, "I have some katas to do."

*******

"Do you have ANY idea what you're doing?" Andrew asked an hour later
as the pair stood in the center of a local gym.  Andrew had used her
MP-10 to scare away the patrons, so they had a few hours of privacy.

"I've read a few books."

"Great.  We're screwed." Andrew tossed her hands in the air.

"Hey, Usagi didn't know what the hell she was doing.  She managed it.
Hell, even the SPORE managed to use this damn chunk of glass.  Now,
I'd cover your eyes."

"Why?"

"I need to transform."

"So?  You're not in the spore's body, and haven't been for a while."

"Yeah, but you, despite your body, are still a guy."

Andrew sighed, then turned around. "Fine, be that way." *Little prick
wouldn't even care if it weren't for the hormones.*

One Standard Sailor Moon Transformation Sequence (TM) later, Slacker
was standing there in a bright pink fuku.

"That's the first thing that I've got to get rid of."

Andrew snorted. "What do you think I've been trying to do since I
found the bloody pen?"

"Then why don't we focus on doing THAT, then!" Slacker spat. "The nude
bit must go. But first...this damn bit of pink fluffy hell!"

"No," Andrew shot back, "first we get the hell out of this dimension. 
If it's still a problem after that, we work on it then."

"Good point. I will feel SO much better once we're away from Connor
and Nemesis."

"Then why don't you figure out how to USE THE BLOODY THING!"

Slacker smoothed her hair away from it's 'blown back' position. "I
have something to try this time."

"What is it?"

Instead of answering, Slacker pulled out the crystal.  It was clear,
without the glow that would indicate that it was active.

"Listen up, Ginzousho, either you let me use your power, or I'm
flushing you down the toilet."

The crystal immediately began to glow.

*******

"We're ho-ome!" Slacker's happy voice broke though Red's concentration
in the middle of a kata, disrupting her rhythm.  Instead of trimming
Darth's bangs, the katana sliced through the gag.

"Release me, mortals, and I will make your deaths painless." Darth
growled.

"Where'd I put the tape," Andrew said as she began rummaging through
the equipment pile.

"Doesn't matter," Slacker said, holding up the crystal.

"What do you think to do with that?" Darth/Slayer snarled. "I am
immortal, I have existed since eternity!  Nothing in the mortal realms
can so much as harm me!"

Slacker, Andrew, and Red put on sunglasses. "Then you won't mind
looking into this."

The world dissolved into a white light.

When the light faded, Darth was sitting dazed in the chair, while a
shadow took form at his feet.  The shadow appeared to be whimpering. 
Slacker smiled, then a beam of light lanced from the Ginzousho.  The
shadow dissolved with a pathetic scream.

"Well, that's it for Slayer," Slacker said.

"Is it dead?" Red asked.

"As dead as a demon can be," Slacker explained, "he's now becoming
some minor demons bitch. I LOVE this thing!"

"Very nice," an arrogant voice said from the doorway.  The authors
spun to see Nemesis standing in the doorway, Conner just behind him.

"What," Andrew said, "the Dirty Pair chickened out?"

Nemesis shrugged. "They left after they discovered they can't regain
their original forms on this planet.  We didn't need them anyway."

"What about Hunter?" Darth whispered.  In response, Conner held up a
large skull.

"Going away present from Bun-Bun," the soldier explained.

"Any last words?" Nemesis asked.

"Sure," Andrew said, handing something to Slacker.  "I've always
wanted to try this."

Nemesis stared as Andrew took a deep breath (giving Darth a nosebleed
in the process), and let go.

"OOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!!"

"Wow," Slacker thought with the portion of his brain that WASN'T
trying to escape through his nose, "I never thought I'd see Nemesis
scream like a little girl and run."

After close to a minute, Andrew finally stopped laughing. "I've always
wondered what that laugh would sound like in this body." She looked
around, and saw the condition of her companions.  Slacker was looking
around, not believing that the noise had stopped.  Red was slumped on
the ground and Darth in his chair, their ears bleeding.

Slacker slowly stood and removed the pair of earplugs Andrew had
slipped him before beginning the Naga imitation.  Red, Darth, Nemesis,
and Conner weren't so lucky.

Andrew tapped Slacker on the shoulder. "It's over.  Can we go home
now?"

Slacker twitched.  "Laugh go through earplugs.  Bad laugh.  Evil
laugh.  Home good.  Go home now.  Please?"

*******

Nemesis finally stopped running after five blocks.  Conner ran an
extra two before the realized the noise had stopped.

"What now?" Conner asked.

"Back to Thrawn," Nemesis said, "he didn't warn us about that."

"There is a reason for that."

Both Nemesis and Conner jumped when Thrawn's image appeared between
them.

"Report back to base, stage two is about to begin."

*******

"So how are we going to get home?" Red asked after she and Darth had
recovered.

Andrew glanced down at the green fuku she was forced to wear, and
grimaced.

"We focus the powers of the Ginz, along with the powers I gained
though this <ick> transformation, into creating a dimensional gate.

"You sure this will work?" Red nervously asked.

"It'll either work or kill us. I'm at the point where I don't care
either way." Slacker calmly answered.

"What about scattering us through an endless variety of dimensions?"
Darth asked. Everyone glared at him.

"Gee, thanks for THAT cheerful image." Red muttered.

"Hell with it. One way or the other, we're getting the hell outta
here!" Slacker growled. "Get ready."

Andrew nodded, and held out her Henshin pen. Slacker took a deep
breath, then let it out.

"Remember, focus on home." Slacker reminded Andrew, then touched the
Henshin pen with the Ginzousho.

The world disappeared in a wash of silver flame.

**********

"Perfect! Just like lemmings, they rush in to their fates." Thrawn
declared.

Conner and Nemesis shared a look. 

"Any idea why he's so happy?" Conner asked.

"Not a damn one."

**********

"Oh, God. My head." Slacker groaned.  Andrew groaned in agreement.

"Darth, Red? You okay?" Andrew mumbled.

"They're not here. I lost hold of them. But they ARE back." Slacker
groaned.

"So where are they?"

**********

"Why the hell are we in Millinocket, Maine?" Outlaw screamed.

Darth just lay on the ground, twitching.  Slamming into the ground
from thirty feet will do that to you.  Outlaw was lucky.  Darth broke
his fall.

*********

"I'm not sure." Slacker rolled over and started to rub his chest.
"God, I slammed into the ground hard.  My chest hurts.  Wait.  NO
BREASTS!  Hold on.  It's BACK!  YES!  I'M A GUY!  Owowowowowow!  My
head!"

"What?  Oh, thank you God!  I'm back to being me!" Andrew jumped to
his feet in joy, then collapsed in pain. "Owie."

*********

"So, where the HELL are we?" Andrew asked, after both of them had
regained the ability to walk without their heads trying to split open.

"Seattle." Slacker answered calmly.

"How do you know?"

"Well, it's raining. And I can see fifteen different coffee houses
from here.  So I'd guess Seattle. And the sign that says 'Welcome to
Seattle' gives it away." Slacker pointed to the sign behind Andrew.

********

"Hello? Mom?"

"Yeah, it's me.  AH!  Don't yell!"

"Where am I?  Seattle."

"How did I get here?  Long story, don't ask.  Can you wire me some
money to get home?"

"Yes, I'll explain when I get home."

"Love you, too. Bye."

Slacker hung up the phone and motioned to it. "Your turn. Now I have
to figure out what kind of lie to tell my parents to explain where I
was for the last several months."

Andrew looked up from the ticket book in his hand. "Right."

"What's that?"

"Train tickets."

"But how'd you buy them?" Slacker asked.

In response Andrew held up a credit card. "We're back in the same
condition we left, including the contents of our wallets."

"Damn!"

Andrew elbowed his way to the phone and slammed several coins into it.

"Hey, bro!"

"No, I'm not dead."

"Where?  Seattle.  Don't ask, just don't ask, okay?"

"I'll be back in town in a couple days."

"Yeah, you do that.  What about...?"

"Right, got it.  Just try to get everyone together.  Late."

Andrew slammed the handset down with enough force to crack the
plastic. "Shit," he spat.

"What?  We're home, be happy."

Andrew was silent for a few moments. "Yeah," he finally said, "we're
home.  But it's been almost six months since we left."

"Six? That's impossible, we were at that place for-"

"About two months, give or take a couple weeks," Andrew shuddered at
the memory. "How much you want to bet they kept us in some kind of
stasis while they figured out what to do with us?"

Now was Slackers turn to be silent. "Damn!"

"Yeah, that's my reaction.  Now I have to try and rebuild my life, if
that's even possible at this point.  What are you going to tell your
family?"

"Don't know, I'll think of something."

"I'm going to tell the truth."

"WHAT!"

"I'm going to tell my family and friends that what happened was
something I still don't believe, and it would take too long to
explain."  Andrew pulled out a card, scribbled a number on it, and
then handed it to Slacker. "If you figure out a better way to explain
it, or something goes wrong, give me a call."

********

Slacker sighed as he stepped out of the shower.  The last several
weeks had been great, compared to the prior months.

Sure, thinking up a believable reason why he was gone for so long was
hard. (He finally settled on just saying he couldn't remember anything
but some aliens and an anal probe.  After that, his family had stopped
asking questions.)

As he dressed, a chill swept his body and he sneezed.  He ignored it,
and exited the bathroom and turned on the TV.  The channel was turned
to CNN. (He was STILL trying to catch up to the news he had missed.)

He idly listened to the news as he swept his hair back and started to
pull it into a ponytail.

"And the top story is, of course, the large...robots that appeared on
the White House's lawn this morning at Six AM, Eastern time, and
demanded the surrender of the entire world to someone named 'Thrawn.'
No further details have been given as yet."

Slacker froze, then slowly turned towards the TV.  He twitched at the
image on it. A single lock of hair fell in front of his eyes.  A
single lock of pink hair.

"Oh, God, no. Please no." He looked down.  A scream echoed throughout
the neighborhood.

Slacker grabbed the phone and hammered in the number Andrew had given
him.  After what seemed like hours, the other end was picked up. 
Slacker didn't even wait for a greeting.

"ANDREW!  SIEBZEHN IS SITTING ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN ALONG WITH
TWENTY OTHER GEARS, THRAWN WANTS THE ENTIRE EARTH TO SURRENDER TO HIM,
AND I'VE GOT TITS AGAIN!!!" He shrieked.

"Do tell," Pluto's voice floated down the line. "How'd you do that
without taking a breath, anyway?"

"OH, FUCK!"

*******

Outlaw growled around at the wolf whistle some guy gave him.  He was
currently reclined on a towel at Daytona Beach and for the last five
minutes, guys had been whistling at him.  It was beginning to piss him
off.

*Why the hell are they doing that? I'm a guy!* Outlaw groused to
himself. 

"Looking good, Red!" A passing surfer called. Outlaw froze. 

*Red?  Oh, no.  Please no.* He looked down.  Her scream was heard five
miles away. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! DAMN IT!!! NOT AGAIN!!"

*******

Conner stood at attention as Thrawn made the final inspection of the
Balthazar-class gears.

"You found him?" Thrawn asked.

"Right where you said he'd be," Conner replied, "the doctors at the
mental hospital only needed a little persuasion."

"Very well, we shall take care of him before the other business. 
Bring the chu-chu nanites."

Conner paled. "I didn't think you would be that cruel."

"He keeps informing me that he's going to feast on my soul. I am just
taking the...most enjoyable route to shutting him up."

*******

"So, what do we do?" Slacker asked, staring at the TV.  Andrew was
beside him, having teleported there.

"Well, it's obvious that Thrawn followed us here. And, as soon as he
showed up, we changed back to...this.  So all we have to do is wait
until the US Army forces him to retreat." Andrew calmly answered.

Slacker and Andrew shared a look, then broke out in bitter laughter.

"Well, now that we've done THAT, let's think of plans that might
work." Andrew said, after he had stopped laughing.

"A plan that might work?  Screw that.  I'm DONE jumping through hoops
for that bastard.  Right now, I'm more concerned with how to explain
to my parents that their 'baby boy' is now their 'baby girl!' Then, I
have to worry about the government finding me, or, even worse, a
Sailor Moon fanboy!  And, to top it all off, I have to figure out how
to explain to my professors that I'm me!" Slacker was nearly frothing
at the mouth by this point. "I say screw Thrawn, screw Pluto, screw
Nemesis and Conner, AND SCREW GETTING REVENGE ON THEM!!"

Slacker slumped back. "I just want to get on with my life. Thrawn'll
give up soon enough.  There's nothing here to keep him occupied for
long."

Andrew pondered for a few seconds, then spoke. "Good points, but you
forgot one thing."

"What's that?"

"What are you going to do about the fact that your hair looks like
pink carrots?"

Slacker just looked at him, then started to laugh a bit hysterically. 
Andrew soon joined in.

On the TV, the President was formally surrendering the United States
to Thrawn.  The UN Secretary General was waiting for his turn. 

*********
Slacker's bit:

And that's the end for me and Andrew's little bit. We finally decided
that the Revenge-verse needed to be laid to rest. (Of course, we still
left an open ending so we can come back and do it again if we ever
chose to.)

Hey, it was fun. It was a kick. And now it's done. (Until I get bored.
Heh heh heh.)

Ja Ne!
Slacker (Who's gotten used to the hair. Really. Truly. Oh, Doctor?
Time for my pills!)

Andrew's bit:

You've gotten used to the hair?  Time to up the medication.

Seriously, though, after the last chapter that I wrote, I suggested to
Slacker that we just put the thing to rest.  It had lost it's novelty
a while ago, and was quickly degenerating into a multi-author
cluster-f**k (to quote a list of fanfic types).

Late!
Andrew


Epilogue: You didn't think we were done, did you?

Eventually, Andrew and Slacker tired of the news (which consisted of
details of the new world, which was the same as the old one but with
less fighting).  In response, Slacker powered up her computer.

"So how are you going to explain all this?" Andrew asked, as the modem
squealed.

Slacker shrugged. "I'm thinking of using the Ginzousho to change our
records, that'll simplify things.  How I break it to my family...?"

"Won't be too hard," Andrew replied in a thoughtful voice, "after what
happened today."

"Good point," Slacker commented. "We can always- OH FUCK!"

"What?"

Slacker stared at the computer screen. " I wish I'd stayed in the
Revenge-verse."

"Why?"

"Douglas Adams died while we were gone."

"WHAT?!?! FUCK!!!"

"Precisely."

"That, after what happened in DC...." Andrew's voice trailed off.

"You're thinking of something.  Spit it out."

"Thrawn came into this dimension in DC, right?"

"Yeah?  I bet Darth is screwed."

"That isn't the point, wasn't White Wolf in the DC area?"

"Um, I think so."

"Thrawn invade, and the FFML is gone. You follow now?"

Slacker grimaced. "I'm really beginning to hate Thrawn.  Trapping me
in this body, fine. Pink hair, fine. Invading the US, well...I can
live with it.  He's a better choice to run the planet anyways. 
Screwing with my fanfiction supply?  He's going DOWN."

"I thought we were going to leave him alone?" Andrew said.

"That was before he messed with the FFML!" Slacker snarled.

"There are other lists, you know.  We can get our revenge on them with
those."

"How?"

"By giving them real reasons to hate us."

Slacker smiled. "Let's do it."

"You just have to get the last word in, don't you?"

"Yes."

-- 

***********************************************

STUDENT: Master, what is the secret of a popular fanfic?
MASTER: Child, the secret is simply this: You must serve the fans.
STUDENT: So the secret is fanservice?
MASTER: You begin to learn, grasshopper.


After finishing a story: 
If you liked the story, drink a bottle to celebrate. 
If you disliked the story, drink two bottles to cheer you up. 
If you're apathetic, then drink till you care, dammit!
(From a Slayers drinking game.)
	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'