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This is a short fic that came to me in Math class one
day when I was feeling rather depressed. It's
probably best described as an angst fic, though it
also contains WAFF and Dark elements. It probably
won't win any awards for originality, but I think it
came out pretty well anyway. Comments and
constructive criticism are greatly appreciated.
-----------------------------------
I open my eyes, and look around at my surroundings.
In the dim
light of early morning, I see that I have stumbled
onto a small park.
Several feet away is a deserted playground, and the
swings creak softly
in the gentle breeze that blows through the field.
It isn't what I would have picked as my first choice,
for
somewhere to spend the night. But then, I rarely get
to choose where I
spend the night.
I don't remember how I got here. I remember running
away...
desperate to get as far as possible from Nerima.
Akane married Ranma.
The thought courses through my mind like a lightning
bolt. It is
harsh, illuminating, and very painful. The events of
the past day come
rushing back to me, and I remember everything.
Akane married Ranma.
That's right... she has. The one person I loved more
than life
itself, my very reason for existence, is gone.
Akane married Ranma.
I grimace in pain, telling my mind to shut up. I lay
back down
on the ground, and for long moments I watch the clouds
overhead. They
seem to get further and further away as I sink deeper
and deeper into
the abyss of my depression.
Akane married Ranma.
I roll over, trying in vain to silence the voice in
my head that
mocks my pain with its constant reminder.
Akane married Ranma.
I chuckle bitterly at the irony of it all. After all
this time,
after all the years of pain... Ranma finally won.
These past few years
of my life has been nothing but pain and turmoil- and
it has all been
in vain.
I might as well have never lived.
I suppose I could go after him now. Yell "Ranma,
prepare to
die," like I always do. Somehow, though, I can't
bring myself to do
that. I haven't forgiven him, but carrying on my
vendetta just doesn't
seem like it's worth the effort anymore. In every way
that matters, he
has won. After all, he married Akane.
It occurs to me that the day is getting lighter; the
Sun has
almost risen, and soon people will come to the park.
Children will
come to play on the playground, and they won't want to
see a vagabond
me like sitting here.
Maybe I should move.
What's the point? I think angrily. The worst thing
that will
happen is that a police officer will tell me to get
lost. When that
happens, then I'll do something. It's not worth the
trouble to move
yet.
But now that I know... what I know, is anything worth
the trouble
anymore?
It's times like this that I usually just use the Shi
Shi Hokodan
to get rid of my depression. But there's really no
use... it always
comes back. Even if I made a billion Shi Shi
Hokodans, it would still
come back.
I make a small ball of light appear at the end of my
finger.
"Shi Shi Hokodan," I mutter softly, and let the tiny
point of light
sail away harmlessly into the atmosphere. After a few
seconds the
point of light has disappeared, swallowed up by the
dim light of the
early morning.
Akane married Ranma.
I know that as long as that thought exists in my
head, this cloud
of depression will hang over me. Sighing, I get up,
and roll up my
mat. Slinging my backback over my shoulders, I walk
toward the exit.
I might as well leave. All I care about now is
putting as much
distance between myself and Nerima as is physically
possible. Maybe if
I get far enough away, I can eventually forget.
A jogger runs by the park entrance, and then does a
double take.
She looks at me. "Ryoga?"
My knees almost buckle I realize who it is standing
there.
Akane.
Damn it! I shouldn't even be near Nerima! I left
yesterday
afternoon, and walked hours before I finally stopped!
Why the hell am
I still in Nerima?
My sense of direction. My eternal curse. Jusenkyo
is nothing
compared to this.
"Ryoga, are you all right?"
I snap out of my thoughts and look at her. She's out
of my
reach, now... she might as well be a thousand miles
away.
I wish she was.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Akane." I try to smile at her, to
prove my
point.
Of course, she sees right through me. "You look
terrible,
Ryoga. Why don't you come home with me? You can get
a bath, and some
food... it's no problem."
Why don't you come with me, she asks. What does she
think I am,
her pet?
Oh, wait. I am her pet. Correction- was her pet.
Not anymore.
"No thanks, Akane. I'd better get going." I smile
sadly, and
walk away from her. "Have a nice life, Akane."
She yells something at me, but I don't hear what she
says. I
just keep walking. Eventually, I can't hear her
anymore. Now I'm free
to leave. Finally...
But wait. An image comes to me... something that
happened
countless time in the past. Wherever I went in my
travels, I always
seemed to show up at the Tendo Dojo. If there was one
place to which I
kept returning, it was always the Tendo Dojo. Will
this keep happening?
I don't think I could live with myself if I kept
having to see
Akane. Or worse... Akane and Ranma.
So that's it, then. I'm doomed. Akane and Ranma
will always be
part of my life.. always, there, smiling and reminding
me of my
complete and utter failure.
The thought brings me so much pain that I make a
decision. I
will keep walking on this road. I will keep walking
straight, until I
am safely away from anything or anybody that could
stop me.
Then I will die. It's not hard. I could use a Shi
Shi Hokodan,
properly executed, and in my current state pulling off
a Shi Shi
Hokodan would be the easiest thing in the world.
Easier than
breathing... easier than living.
I have a knife in my pack. I could use that, too.
It would
probably be a more painful way of going, but it seems
strangely
appropriate- I suppose it would be more traditional,
you know, honor,
the old ways, and all that crap. Besides, the pain of
death could not
be anything compared to the pain I feel now.
The Sun rises high in the sky, beating down on me.
It doesn't
matter anymore. I keep walking, ignoring the sweat
that is beginning
to pour down my face. The constant exertion is
starting to put a
strain on my body, but I don't feel it. My body may
be walking down a
road, but my mind is somewhere else- sinking deeper
and deeper into the
hell that my depression has created, and growing
increasingly distant
from the physical world around me.
All I know for sure is that I am still traveling
along the same
road that I have been for hours. With a great deal of
willpower, I
finally stop walking and look around. I am out of
Tokyo now; I have
reached the country. There is nobody in sight, and if
I disappear out
here then the chances are slim that news of my death
will ever reach
the ears of anybody who cares. Kami knows there are
few enough of
those people.
I walk off the road a bit, into a densely wooded
area. I still
haven't decided how I'm going to do this. Stabbing
myself would
require taking off my backpack, rummaging through it,
finding the
knife... much more effort than a simple ki blast.
Right now, all I
want is to end the pain as quickly as possible.
A ki blast leaves an obvious signature, though. Very
few people
can do a ki blast, and if Akane or Ranma ever heard
about it they'd
know it was me.
I don't want them to mourn me. I don't want to be
part of their
life, in any sense of the word. If I use the knife,
then it will be
much more anonymous- something anybody could do.
The knife it is.
I take off my backpack,and rummage through it. I
pull out some
cooking pans, a length of rope, a small cooking stove,
a kettle...
I smile. I won't be needing that anymore. Once I'm
dead, I
won't have to worry about that stupid Jusenkyo curse.
It's just one more reason to get this over with.
I have to laugh at the next thing I pull out. It's a
ziploc bag,
and in it are pictures. Pictures of Akane, that I
bought from Nabiki
on the all-too-rare occasions when I visited the Tendo
Dojo in human
form. I am tempted to look through them one last
time, but I put them
aside. I don't want to prolong this any longer than I
have to. No
more Akane. No more pain.
I pull out the knife. It's a simple blade, but more
than enough
to do the trick. It was given to me by my father many
years ago.
I hesitate for the first time. My father.. my
family. Maybe I
shouldn't do this after all.
I angrily push those thoughts out of my mind, wiping
away the
tears that have suddenly formed in my eyes. With all
of us wandering
around Japan, we hardly ever see each other anyway.
it'll probably be
years before they even realize that something's
happened to me.
I load everything back into my backpack, except for
the knife, a
lighter, and the pictures of Akane. The pictures are
the only things I
carry that could link me back to the Tendos, and as
they burn I feel
the agony of loss, but I also find that a strange calm
has descended on
me. With the burning of the pictures I have severed
my last link with
my old life, and I feel strangely free.
Enough of that. With a bitter determination, I pick
up the knife
from the ground. I look at it for a moment,
reflecting on the way the
Sun glints off the blade. It's quite beautiful.
Almost wistfully now,
I grip the knife and hold it quivering several inches
from my gut.
Suddenly, I hear a twig snap nearby. I snap my head
around, and
see a figure standing there. I don't recognize it at
first, but then
she speaks.
"Ryoga?"
You would think that it's impossible to have your
spirits soar as
high as the Sun at the same time as they plummet
downward. I can tell
you that it is very possible, and it is very painful.
I don't know
what to say.
"A-Akari?"
I don't know what to say. I want to leap up and hug
her, and I
want to curse her very existence.
She steps forward. "I thought I saw you walking this
way. I
tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me. Are
you all right?"
I rack my brain trying to think of a response. She
steps toward
me, and I hang my head in shame. I never thought
about Akari. The
pain that Akane's marriage caused me overwhelmed me so
much that I
couldn't think of anything else. I still don't know
whether to be glad
she's here or not. I think it would have been better
if she had left
me to die.
She is at my side now, and I quickly tuck the dagger
into my belt
so it is out of sight. She kneels down next to me,
and looks at me. I
turn away.
Sometimes I wonder if my sense of direction is as
random as I
think it is. First Akane, then Akari. It's almost as
if it takes a
perserve pleasure in leading me where I don't want to
go, tormenting
me- why else can I get so lost, yet at the same time I
can find my way
back to places when I never want to be there?
Somehow, I have come to
Akari's home.
Fate is either trying to save my life or cause me as
much pain as
is humanly possible before I die. I'm not fond of
either answer.
Akari is in front of me now, trying to look into my
eyes. I close
them. "Ryoga dearest, speak to me. What's wrong?"
Finally, reluctantly, I look up at her. She looks at
me
expectantly, and I sigh. I can't lie to her, but at
the same time I
don't want to tell her the truth. I settle for an
evasion.
"You wouldn't understand," I say.
She looks at me with a confused look, and reaches
forward. Her
hands clasp my shoulders, and she brings herself
forward to hug me. I
find it comforting, and cannot help but hug her back.
We release each
other, and I look into her eyes again.
Part of me is thinking that her face is the most
beautiful thing
in the world to look at. The other part is thinking
that her face is
the most painful thing in the world to look at. But I
know that's a
lie- Akane's face has already claimed the latter
distinction, and
possibly the former as well.
Do I love Akari? I don't know. But it's hard to
ignore what I'm
feeling now. She's watching me with a concerned look,
and I can't help
but feel touched. It's good to know someone still
cares about me, even
when I don't.
"Come on, Ryoga... why don't you come home with me?"
I have to chuckle at that. Akane used those same
words just this
morning. It seems like everyone thinks I'm a pet of
some sort.
Still... there's a difference. In Akane's voice,
there was
pity. She felt sorry for me. That was the only thing
she ever felt
for me. Pity. She might have loved P-chan, but that
was as a pet. As
a human, I realize that she never loved me.. only
pitied me. Ranma,
stop picking on poor Ryoga. Ranma, leave him alone.
Ranma, don't
bully the weak.
That's all I ever was to her... a weak thing, to be
pitied and
sheltered... never to be loved.
In Akari's voice, though, I hear something more... I
hear love.
She is asking not because she feels sorry for me, but
because she loves
me.
That must count for something, right? I smile at
her, and I
nod. "Okay."
She smiles back, and in that smile I see a future.
My life might
have been destroyed by Ranma and Akane, but in Akari's
smile I see a
chance for a new life. I see hope, I see.. well,
actually, I'm not
sure what I see, but it's wonderful.
We both stand up, and I offer her an apology for
making her
worry. She smiles understandingly. Now that I'm
here, I don't think I
could ever get enough of that smile. I pick up my
backpack, and swing
it over my shoulder. She puts her arm around mine,
and we walk back
toward the road.
As we walk, I feel something slip on my belt.
Looking back, I
see that the knife has fallen to the ground. The
knife my father gave
me. I pause to go back and get it.
She stops, and look at me questioningly. "Is
something wrong,
Ryoga dearest?"
I look at the knife again. It glints in the
sunlight, and I make
another decision.
"No," I turn back toward her. "Nothing's wrong."
She smiles at me, and we walk away from the woods.
By leaving
behind the knife, I feel that in a sense I leave
behind my old life, my
old mistakes; I leave behind what might have been, in
exchange for what
might yet be. And while I still may not be sure where
I'm going, at
least I'm on my way.
-THE END-
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