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Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2001 17:47:11 -0500
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Thanks for writing, and for your usual detailed comments!
Conventions: telepathy is delimited > <
I don't think this is necessary. It's easy enough to figure this out
from context.
Hmm... probably true, at least in this case. It guess I should
drop these.
Okay, I got you, Kodachi.< Ranma sent as his hand clasped her
Kodachi,< Ranma
(The verb (sent) refers to the line of (mental) dialog, so
the dialog is part of the same sentence.)
Right. Will change.
Ukyou and Kodachi left immediately, Akane after a short
backwards glance. Moments later, Nabiki arrived to find only
Ranma standing, feet spread and knees slightly bent, in the
middle of the dark, empty street. Nabiki hovered in the air, ten
feet up, still enveloped in a burning orange aura which outshone
the streetlamps. Nabiki smiled and licked her lips.
Three Nabikis here. How about a "she" or two?
Good point; will change.
"These 'four great champions' got any names?" Ranma asked drily.
Dryly, I think it's spelled.
Yep. Will change.
"Now, son, yew may have a parcel of pretty young things pantin'
after yew," Chingensai started, then "OWWWW!" he exclaimed as
Ukyou hit him on the head. Rubbing his head, he continued, "but
UKYO: How DARE you call me pretty and young!
I still haven't read the earlier episodes of this. Is Chingie an
original character? I like the accent. :)
He's an anime-only (single episode) character, an old pal
of Happosai's. In the dub he's given a _really_ hick accent,
which I've tried to preserve as best I can. His association
with Ukyou is completely my invention.
"The Kagema disguise technique don't work the same as what
I taught you 'n the girlies," Chingensai nodded at Ukyou, Akane,
girlies." (he's just nodding, not nodding the dialog)
Right.
"Ya see, young feller, them Kagema have a wee problem with magic.
Suggest "a li'l problem" ("wee" sounds too Scottish, when you're
obviously going for cowboy)
This one I'll have to think about. I see your point about "wee",
and "li'l" does seem like an improvement, but there may be
better choices yet.
The next day, the fifth day after Christmas, Kunou Tatewaki
answered his telephone. "It is I, whose voice alone can silence a
crying child, the Purple Dinosaur of Tokyo University! What
service can I render unto thee?" Kunou listened, then spoke
again. "Of a surety I shall aid thee, my fierce tigress of love!
I come at once!" Grabbing his bokken, Kunou dashed out of the
house.
Erk. Kuno's Barney? When did this happen?
KUNO: o/~ Two love me... I love two...
Dave Roeder didn't like this joke either; or, rather, it doesn't
quite work with him. A pity. Kunou's deciding on a new
appelation is new to this chapter. I'll have to think about
this; I like the joke, but clearly it isn't working terribly
well for my readers.
A glowing Nabiki glided into the clearing and hovered over the
group. "You MUST be joking. THIS is your challenge? I know all
your weaknesses, remember." Nabiki gestured, and a wave of water
came out of nowhere and crashed over the group, rendering Ranma
female, Shampoo feline, and Ryouga porcine. Kunou immediately
glomped Ranma from behind; Ranma reached back and grabbed a hand-
full of shirt, then threw the kendoist straight at Nabiki, who
idly swatted Kunou away with one hand.
The description in this scene is very matter-of-fact, and zooms
through a lot of different actions very quickly. IMO, it would
really read better if you'd slow down a bit and put in more
"color." Just getting a play-by-play of what's happening isn't
that interesting to read. Let us experience the action through
the perceptions and sensations of one of the characters. Give
us the character's thoughts as the battle runs, and use more
vivid descriptions (metaphors can be especially useful) to
enhance the experience, especially in places where you want the
reader to react strongly to what's going on.
Good advice; I'll work on it.
"Nighty-night, little sis," Nabiki grinned nastily as she plonked
sis."
Right.
Look, Akane, I'm sorry, but its gotta be tonight.<
it's
Right.
Ranma checked himself in a mirror. "Well, THAT'S gonna make real
life awkward. Gonna have to see about damping this or hiding it
or something before my leave's over. But not now," his face
now." His
Good catch.
"I hate waiting. Is there nothing we can do, great-grandmother?"
Great-grandmother?" (capitalize when used as a name)
Right. And I'm usually so good at this point...
"So?" Nabiki replied, without turning her head. "My little
sister. The one who's SOOO good at martial arts, whom all
the boys chase after."
Suggest "who all the boys chase" (okay, "whom" *is* grammatically
correct, but really sounds odd. Besides, if you want to be really
correct, you'd have to say "after whom all the boys chase.")
Hmmm.. I see the point. It IS dialog, so I think I'll take your
suggestion.
Shampoo slammed the heel of each hand, in her own variation on
the Bakusai Tenketsu, into each mixing vat as she came to it.
They shattered, spilling florescent green sludge onto the
fluorescent, I think.
Probably.
On the astral plane, his own lances of red-hot ki disrupted his
enemy's footing even as, on this plane, his giant aura-body
evaded a sideswipe and landed a paw-strike on his opponent's
aura-jaw. When needles of doubt began to creep into his
awareness, Ranma was ready; noting their external origin, he
sent his own feelers snaking back along the direction from which
they came.
from which they had come.
Ack! Will change.
As more well-armed guards ran into the warehouse, Ukyou grinned,
then willed herself invisible. She leapt for a catwalk, landing
as silently as she could. Pitching her voice low and disguising
its source, she started to laugh loudly, calling on her memory of
How did she disguise its source, considering that she's invisible
anyway?
I guess I need to clarify that. I had in mind ventriloquism of
some sort, so that even the direction her voice came from couldn't
be detected. I'll think about how to rephrase this.
Colors rioted madly in Ranma's perceptions. Up and down became
indistinct as he spun dizzily. "This some kinda weird defence?"
defense?" (with a "c" it's the British spelling)
Ack!
"Nabiki, I disagree. You WILL fix it, or... GOOD HOUSEKEEPING
APPROVAL!" In a swirl of light, Kasumi transformed. Clad in her
tiara and fuku, she posed, pointed her wand at Nabiki, and
pronounced, "...in the Name of Tidiness and Order, I WILL PUNISH
YOU!"
"AAAUUUGGGHHH!" Nabiki screamed.
Gack! You gotta be kidding. This bit had better be a dream. :/
Well (he says apologetically), I put it in an epilog because it IS
sillier in tone than anything else in the series, and I DID have a
few complaints about that when I came out with Part 10. (In fact,
I think I promised someone that the whole concept was going to
die a quiet death. Oh well.) But one of my prereaders (who shall
remain nameless) wrote a little bit into my previous draft, right
at the point where Nabiki creates the hole, about Kasumi fixing it...
MARTHA STEWART RECONSTRUCTION ESCALATION, I think it went, which
amused me, and got me thinking... and this was the result.
Anyway (quick backstory): Kasumi received an amulet in Part 10 which
SHE thinks is of magical origin, but is in reality purely technological
(future tech, actually). The ONLY thing it does is holographically
conceal her actual clothing with the fuku/tiara combination. Just
the thing to shock Tofu-sensei out of his fogged state of mind...
Some nice character development in this chapter; I liked the look into
Kodachi's past, and the interplay between her, Akane, and Nabiki. The
writing got better toward the latter half of the chapter, but overall
the description could've used more color, more character thoughts and
feelings, and not so much matter-of-fact.
More description is something I'm still working on. I'll work on
it.
Hope the next part won't take another year. But then, I'm not one to
talk. ^_^;;;
Thanks again for the commentary!