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Check Back Later
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
by MrThou
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 was created by Rumiko Takahashi, but is owned by someone else. Doesn't that suck?
Chapter 4
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The subject of curses comes up in a wide variety of literature. For example, 'SAM's Teach Yourself Magic' series(1) touches briefly on it in the latter segments, as does 'Magic for Dummies'. Using these books, however, won't even get you past making the spot under one's left big toenail itch.
The definitive work on the subject, 'Dr. Bob's Guide to Curses, Hexes, and Spells', contains detailed instructions on the preparation and cures for over 200 curses, but only if you can read Sanskrit, and have more than five years experience in spell-casting. Obviously, not much help for this tale.
Most people, however, are not interested in casting curses, but rather avoiding them, and identifying the ones they might have picked up along the way. For those people, there is 'The International Field Guide to Magic'.
'The International Field Guide to Magic' contains a geographical reference to all forms of enchantments that a body might encounter in hitchhiking around this wonderful sphere we call earth. Each region is further broken down into magical categories, clearly distinguishing between curses, hexes, enchantments, etc. There is also an alphabetical index of symptoms, so that you can easily flip to the section on North American curses and determine whether that unwholesome desire to eat fruitcake is a curse, or simply a sign of oncoming dementia.
The Guide describes in detail 42 different kinds of magical conditions one can acquire while traveling through the remote regions of China. Further, it lists more than 200 other conditions one may acquire, grouped by symptoms, and rated on a scale of 1 (no danger whatsoever) to 10 (May whatever god you believe in have mercy on your soul), all based on painstaking and thorough research(2).
Jusenkyou curses achieve a 2, which is roughly interpreted as "mostly harmless".
Clearly, the author goofed.
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Ranma sat back in his chair, and stared at nothing in particular.
"If Pop were here, I know exactly how he'd start." He reached for a nearby glass of cold water(3), and dumped it over his head. "He'd a done something like that, o' course."
Akane boggled slightly. Sure, she'd seen Uncle Saotome change a few times, but he always went out of his way to stay out of sight. He seemed afraid of his curse, or maybe ashamed. To see someone so casually transform from one gender to the other, right in front of her, was a bit disturbing.
"An' then I'd probably do the same thing ta him, and we'd fight for a bit. An' then about fifteen minutes later, after some hot water, we'd finally get ta the point.
"Fortunately, he ain't here, so it ain't gonna take fifteen minutes." Ranma shifted her gaze to Akane, and smirked. "'Course, I could just ramble like this for awhile, but I'm not gonna do that."
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Three figures trudged through the early morning mist. A mountain loomed ominously ahead of them, outlined by the rising sun. As they approached the training ground, they became recognizable as two pudgy men -- one wearing a Mao suit, the other a gi -- and a black haired teenager, also wearing a gi.
"Here, sir. Is legendary 'Training Ground of Accursed Springs'," the pudgy man in the Mao suit said in choppy Japanese.
[Akane: Wait. Didn't the name tip you off?]
[Ranma: Nah, not really. We'd already picked up several curses, an' I assumed my old man had checked this one out beforehand. Now don't interrupt, I'm tryin' ta tell you a story, here.]
The other fat man turned to the teenager, and said, "Are you prepared, Ranma?"
Ranma replied, "This place ain't so bad."
The guide looked on, expressionless. "You very strange ones, no? This place very dangerous. Nobody use now."
He gestured to the springs. "Is more than one hundred springs, and each one have its own tragic legend."
The two travelers ignored him.
"Ranma, follow me!"
"Ah, sirs! What you doing?" shouted the guide.
In apparent defiance of gravity, the two gi-clad figures leapt forward and landed atop two of the bamboo poles sticking up from the pools.
[Ranma: 'Course, the most difficult thing was the fog, or so I thought. It's hard ta fight when you can't see more'n ten feet in any direction.]
"I won't go easy on you," the older man warned.
"That's just the way I like it, Pop."
The guide, meanwhile, was panicking. "Please, sir! Very bad if you fall in spring!"
They continued to ignore him.
The two leapt at each other, and Genma threw a kick. With practiced ease, Ranma pushed down off the extended leg. He landed gently on another pole. His father landed in the spring below.
"Gotcha!" A pause. "Hey Pop, what's up? We done already?"
A panda jumped from the pond, and landed on the pole Ranma had just vacated, taking a crane stance.
[Akane: That must have been a surprise.]
[Ranma: Yeah, it was. That's the only reason why I got cursed. I was too shocked ta do anything.]
"That spring of drowned panda," the guide explained. "There is legend, very tragic, of panda who fall in spring two thousand year ago! Now whoever fall in that spring take body of Panda!"
"Oh no..."
The panda lunged at Ranma. Ranma jumped over the attack. "Now wait a second! You never said anything about..."
Before the youth could get any farther, he was knocked off a pole into a spring.
"Ohhhh! Not spring of drowned girl! That very tragic legend of young girl who drown in spring one thousand five hundred year ago! Now whoever fall in that spring take body of young girl."
Ranma surfaced, and opened the front of her gi. She stared in shock.
"See, now you young girl!"
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(1) Only available in 24 hour and 21 day editions. Even they are smart enough to realize that you can't possibly learn magic in 10 minutes.
(2) *cough*bullshit*cough*cough*
(3) Law of the Ranmaverses. Cold water can appear spontaneously at any time. It's the hot water that can't be found.
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"'Course, we asked about a cure, but the guide said there was none. Turns out he was lyin', or maybe just mistaken, but by the time I found out, I stopped caring.
"I don't really blame my father for the curse any more. After all, he did have this." Ranma pulled a book out of nowhere, and handed it to Akane(4).
"The International Field guide to Magic... what's this?"
"That is the single-most useful book for a traveling martial artist ta have," Ranma said. "Turn ta page 296."
Akane flipped the pages. "'An alphabetical listing of rare Remote China magic conditions...'" Ranma pointed to a spot near the bottom. "'Jusenkyou - water curse, danger level: 2.' So what does this mean?"
"See, the curse is listed as mostly harmless. We already had a couple o' mostly harmless curses, so Pop figured there wasn't a problem." Ranma smirked. "'Course, at the time, I wouldn't've listened to his excuses."
"I... see," said Akane in a tone that made it perfectly clear she didn't.
"Said the blind man," Ranma quipped.
"Are you laughing at me?"
"Hmm... Don't think so. That'd sound a bit different. More like... this: Ha ha!(5)"
"Ha! I was right! You are a jerk!" Akane accused.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but..." Akane rolled off the couch and threw a punch at the redhead. Ranma fell backward out of her chair, and rolled to her feet. "... Hey, relax! I'm just teasin' ya!"
"You jerk! First you spy on me in the locker room, now you insult me!" She threw another punch, which Ranma caught.
"Jeez, you need ta loosen up a bit." Ranma spun her around and pinned Akane's arms behind her back. "Didn't my old man teach you anything? Never fight angry!"
Akane struggled for a moment, then stopped when it became obvious she couldn't break free. "Let go of me."
"Only if you promise not ta attack me."
"Fine." Ranma released her hold, and stepped back. "Now what?"
"Now... you finish your half of the bargain," Ranma said. "My story, in exchange for a trip ta your dojo, so I can talk ta your father. So, lead the way."
Akane hmphed, and stormed out the door. Ranma scooped up Akane's backpack and umbrella and stood at the door.
Five seconds later, Akane stormed back, snatched the umbrella, and went back out. This time Ranma followed.
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It was still raining when they arrived at the dojo. Akane had cooled off a bit, finding that it took too much effort to stay angry over minor slights. Especially when the target of her wrath looked so wet and miserable. She had relented, and shared the umbrella.
As they passed through the gate, they heard the sound of shouting emanating from the dojo. Not the sound of students practicing the art, but rather the sound of several people chasing another, and being tossed around like leaves in the wind. Very heavy leaves.
Akane ignored it, apparently well acquainted with the noise. Ranma thought it sounded familiar, though...
"Sweeto!"
"Oh no, not _him_!" Ranma moaned. "I'm not ready to deal with him, yet."
Akane stopped and looked at her, startled. "You know the Master?"
"Master, my ass," she spat. "That little freak isn't worthy of the title."
A figure came flying from the dojo, and latched on to Ranma's chest. Ranma grabbed the creature's scalp, and smiled wickedly. Her battle aura started to flare. "Hello, happy. Remember me?"
Happosai looked up, and smiled uneasily. "Hello, Ranma, girl! How's Cologne doing?"
Ranma pried the aged pervert off her chest, and threw him at the nearby koi pond. "Oh, she's quite well, thanks," Ranma said. Happosai flipped, and landed lightly on a rock.
Ranma knew she was outclassed. The old man had raided the Amazon village several month ago, and no one, not even Ranma, had come close to catching him. Only Elder Cologne had managed to drive him off, and just barely. If the Matriarch had difficulty with him, Ranma knew that she couldn't. She was good, but not quite that good.
However, Happosai was, as they say, only human -- which is to say that he was a carbon based life form thought to be descended from apes(6). Ranma, though she didn't know it, was not(7).
"Why can't you just let an old man have his fun?" whined the Master of Anything Goes.
"Fun. I don't object ta you having fun, Gramps, but I do object ta bein' groped."
"But I don't mean any harm!" He looked at everyone with giant Bambi-eyes. Ranma snorted her disbelief. "No, really. I don't want to hurt anyone. All I want to do is liberate my silky darlings."
"Don't give me that, old man! You don't care a lick about what happens to no one but yourself."
"Now Ranma, how could you say that? I'd never hurt my favorite student on purpose."
"Yeah, right," Akane muttered under her breath.
Happosai heard her, and held up a hand in pledge. "No, honestly. May lightning strike me if I'm lying."
It has been mentioned before that Ranma is a rain goddess. That is not entirely correct. Rather, Ranma is a goddess of bad weather. The clouds will gleefully pour down rain, as well as sleet, snow, hail, thunder, lightning, and all manner of other stormy functions.
Ranma felt a boiling rage overtake her when she heard those words, and wanted nothing more than for God to prove that the old freak was, in fact, lying.
Ranma, as also mentioned before, had no clue of her own divinity. It came as a great shock, therefore, when Happosai was immediately struck by lightning.
Happosai's last comment before falling unconscious was, "Owie."
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"... An' anyway, that's how I obtained my curse. I'm sure my father told you somethin' similar."
The five of them were gathered around a short table, the three Tendo sisters on one side, Ranma (currently female) opposite them, and Soun sitting at the head. "Yes, Saotome did mention some of this," the Tendo patriarch said, "although he neglected to mention _your_ curse. He merely said that you were dead."
"Pops abandoned me!" Ranma spat angrily. "The old fart up and left me as soon as I started chokin'."
"What do you mean, choking?" asked Nabiki, the middle Tendo sister.
"I mean, we was tryin' to escape from a village of Amazons, and he ran away while I was chokin' on a goat bone."
"Hmm... well, your problem doesn't seem so bad after all..." remarked Soun.
"Yeah, I think I said as much," said Ranma. "Gives me a rather unique perspective on life."
"Well then, these are my daughters: Kasumi, age 20, Nabiki, 18, and Akane, 17. Choose any one you like; she'll be your fiancee."
A low pressure system spontaneously generated itself inside the house, and wind blew through the room. Four sets of eyes glared at Soun Tendo. Four voices chorused, "What!?"
"Saotome and I made a promise many years ago to join our families to secure the School of Anything Goes... Honor demands that you go through with it."
"Oh, he definitely wants Akane," Kasumi said after a moment.
"I couldn't agree more," Nabiki chimed in.
"What! Don't I get any say in this?" shouted Akane.
The response was a unanimous and emphatic "No."
Akane jumped to her feet. "I refuse to be engaged to that pervert!"
Ranma's grin expanded. Akane turned to say something rude, and stopped short. The redhead's grin gave the unnerving impression that she was about to go for the neck, and her left eyebrow was busily conducting the 1812 Overture.
"... Never mind," she said instead, and sat down.
"Well, then, it's settled," Kasumi announced. "Akane, I'm so proud of you. You finally have a boyfriend."
"He's not my boyfriend!"
"Girlfriend, then," Nabiki interjected. "My Akane, I didn't know you were like that."
Akane glared at her sisters, then jumped up and stomped up the stairs. A few seconds later, a door slammed, altering the low pressure system, and causing another wind to blow through the house.
"Nabiki, you shouldn't say things like that," Kasumi said.
Nabiki shrugged, and said, "Well, it's not my fault she's so easy to tease."
"No offense, Mr. Tendo," Ranma said sarcastically, "but just what are you smoking?"
Mr. Tendo blinked, and answered, "Well, I had a Cuban cigar after we mailed the Master overnight to Tibet..."
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Somewhere in an airplane cargo hold, a package sneezed.
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(4) Law of the Aniverses. Females can pull objects from a pocket dimension called "hammer space" -- so called because the most common object to be pulled is a large, male-bashing mallet. There is no know restriction, although in some universes the weight of a single object may not be greater than the weight of the girl.
(5) Think "The Simpsons".
(6) Actually, all humans are descended from a flying pig that temporarily fell through a time warp to a time about a million years ago. Thus is the adage upheld: All men are pigs.
(7) Chronological footnote: Ranma first obtained the girl curse, then Happosai showed up. Later, Ranma obtained the Rain-goddess curse, but didn't know it, because it didn't seem any different from the girl curse.
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Author's Notes:
Okay, this is a beta version of chapter four. Normally I wouldn't have posted this, but, with the list going down for a while, I thought I'd join the deluge of posts and say good bye.
All chapters will be posted on www.fanfiction.net when completed, and possibly on the FFML2 or some other mailing list.
Also, all chapters will be posted (in HTML and text format) at http://homestead.juno.com/mrthou. The page is really ugly at the moment (a half-hour job), and the nice page doesn't work yet, because I haven't had time to work on it. Also, this and other works, as mentioned above, will be posted at http://www.fanfiction.net.
Comments welcome, flames ignored. Any suggestions to help improve the story or the writing style would be much appreciated.