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GF wrote:
* * * * *
[Dirty Pair / Iria: Zeiram, the Animation]
- - - - -
Title: Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot chapter 5
Genre: Crossover
Summary:
Pieces of the Zeiram puzzle start to fit together. Kei and Yuri have a
little disagreement. More fighting and bloodshed as the body count
rises. And the introduction of another 'old acquaintance'.
...eh.
The discussion of How The Plan Came Together feels considerably... off.
What
was it again... right. Show, Don't Tell.
Hmm. Not quite sure how I would change it to fit that. Thought I was doing
more show than tell. *Shrug* I know I was a bad boy in the next chapter
about that sort of thing, but to a degree it couldn't be helped since things
WERE being explained. The only problem is how much of what was told is
actually the truth.
"the large tiny projectile" <-- I'll assume you missed that. It breaks the
flow of what was otherwise a very nice scene.
_<
Why do authors persist in referring to characters by their hair color/eye
color/other distinguishing features? There are proper names and pronouns
freely available.
Constant use of 'Kei,'Kei, Kei Kei, to describe her can get repetitive real
fast.. Still, I might have overdone it here. Will consider just using names
more often.
Adrian Tymes will now write a fanfic, using only oblique inference, that
seems to talk about one character but instead refers to _someone else
entirely_, and it's _funny_!
I guess the gist of it is that I like the _situations_, but all over the
place the prose tends to fall rather short of potential.
Hmm. I guess I can expand on it in some places. Anywhere in particular come
to mind.
Thanks for the comments.
D.B. Sommer