--
Jack and Jill Staik
(Yes, we know...)
http://home.earthlink.net/~jstaik1043/otaku.htm
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: owd15.txt
DISCLAIMER: We did not invent the fictional nation of Lower
Slobbovia! Al Capp did! (And for those of you who don't
know who Al Capp is, shame on you!)
-------------------
Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 15
by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
--------------------
"What does the weirdo want?" Ranma sighed, poking around
his bento box of lunch.
"Who knows, Saotome," Hiroshi shrugged in reply. "But the
principal wants to make a school announcement after last
period."
Akane squeezed Ranma's hand across the table and added, "I
hope it doesn't have to do with the graduating class
finals. Nabiki was looking forward to getting out of here."
Daisuke remarked, "I hear he's gonna make us all take our
finals while bungee-jumping."
Ranko whipped a fishcake from her lunch across the aisle at
the teenager. "I just hope the macadamia nut doesn't extend
the year and interfere with family plans."
"I hope not, too!" Akane agreed. "I have the photographer,
florist, and musicians already picked out and we're almost
done with my kimono, and then there's the handing out of
invitations, and - Ranma! Are you listening to me?"
"Yes, dear," the martial artist replied absently, stuffing
his face with rice.
Ranko giggled and decided to yank his chain. "Akane already
registered for your bed linens; chicken fat yellow sheets
and avocado green pillowcases, I believe."
Akane chuckled. "With a poppy floral design comforter."
"Yes, dear," he said absently. "Whatever you say, dear."
Ranko grinned. "And your sexy transparent pajamas
embroidered with the words 'Ranma Is A Crossdresser'."
Ranma just nodded absently.
Akane looked thoughtful. Then a light bulb went off over
her head. "Oh yes, and don't forget we're redoing the dojo
in a Hello-Kitty motif."
"WHAT?!?" Ranma looked up. "That's disgusting! All your
taste is in your mouth, otemba-chan."
Akane giggled. "And you have no taste at all. We don't need
to register, Ko-chan. If anyone wants to bring a present,
they can."
"Nix it," Ranma shook his head. "Nabiki will tell everyone
to bring money anyway and keep a hefty sum."
"Well," Ranko chuckled. "Not like you guys need the money."
"I could use it," Hiroshi volunteered. "I need to take
Sayuri out to dinner tonight. Then the love motel."
"Does she know this?" Ranko said. "Where is she? I'll just
ask her."
"YAHH! NO! EEEK!" Hiroshi slid under the table, quivering
in fear.
"Hey, Ranko," Daisuke leaned over to the redhead. "You've
got the biggest dowry this side of the Pacific. How about a
husband?"
"I don't have one for you to borrow," she said. "But I hear
there are certain bathhouses -"
A student within earshot squirted juice out of his nose in
a laughing fit, as several girls blushed and giggled in
unison.
"How about you and me go to the janitor's closet and make
some nasty wet sounds?" he breathed in her ear.
Ranma almost got up to kill the hentai, but Akane's hand
on his arm stopped him.
"Get off me, moron, before I send you face-first through
the ceiling." Her battle aura lit around her, making Ranma,
Akane, and Hiroshi scoot their chairs back.
"Aw, c'mon, babe," he began. "You know you - URK!"
As the idiot turned blue, the redhead pulled him close to
her face. "No one. Calls. Me. 'Babe'. Got it, you little
punk?"
"AKK!" he said, nodding.
She smiled and released him as he lost consciousness.
"Always was thick," Hiroshi mumbled.
Ranma and Akane resumed feeding each other lunch and cooing
endearments to each other, disgusting everyone around them.
One guy whispered to another, "I think I liked it better
when they were trying to kill each other."
His companion nodded in agreement. "You gonna tell them
that?"
"Hell No! I want to live!"
* * * * * * * * * *
At three o'clock, the bell rang and the students gathered
in the schoolyard for the dreaded announcement.
Kikuko was managing bets, taking wagers and spilling
secrets.
"Hey, Nabiki!" one of the guys called out across the lawn.
"I heard something about you and Kuno!"
Nabiki turned from bullshitting with Ranko and some other
students, and asked, "What did you hear?"
"Oh, come on," he approached and nudged her. "We all know
about you and the 'Blue Hentai'."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow, and Ranko scooted away to Ranma
and Akane.
"Really?" she asked. "Who informed you of this?"
"Kikuko, of course. Reasonable rates, too."
Nabiki nodded. "Excuse me a moment."
Ranma got a pained look on his face. "Oooo, this is gonna
be messy. What was that American saying?"
"[The shit is going to hit the fan,]" Ranko answered in
English.
Nabiki made her way to her aide-de-camp - no, she corrected
herself,
*former* aide-de-camp, and soon to be a new pair
of shoes. Snakeskin shoes.
Kikuko looked up and smiled nervously. "Yeah, boss?"
Nabiki smiled sweetly, dripping with razors, and inquired,
"Someone has been spreading rumors about myself and a
certain person we both know. Would you know who started
these rumors?"
"Yep," Kikuko said. "You did, when you told me about it."
Nabiki's eye twitched. "And you decided to say something
anyway - despite the promised retribution?"
"The videotape? I already sold it to a movie producer."
"NANI?!?" Nabiki gasped in surprise.
"Got a hundred thousand for it, too," she continued. "I
thought about it, and I decided that making a huge pile of
cash was more important than my reputation." She stepped up
to Nabiki and stared her down. "So what are you going to do
about it?"
Nabiki smiled, a small tear in her eye. "My little girl's
finally grown up." She burst into a Soun-wail. "I'M SO
PROUD OF YOU!! WAAAAAHHHHH!"
Ranko rushed over, terrified at the sound of Nabiki crying.
"What is it?"
"KIKUKO-CHAN'S A DIRTY SNEAKY BACKSTABBING BLACK-HEARTED
GREEDY SCOUNDREL!" Nabiki wailed. "I LOVE HER SO MUCH!"
Ranko blinked and decided to leave the situation before it
got too weird for her.
"You're not mad at me?" Kikuko asked in surprise.
Nabiki hugged her tight. "Not at all! In fact, you have
finally proven worthy of being my heir!"
Kikuko would have facefaulted except Nabiki was holding her
too tight.
Nabiki smiled. "When I depart to take over the underworld
of some college,
*you* will be the Hard Bitch of Furinkan,
Mistress of Bookies, and Holder of All The Secrets!"
Several people nearby quickly bowed, hoping to get into
Kikuko's good graces right off.
"Yes,
*you*!" Nabiki continued. "You'll have the Secret
Photo Lab, the Hidden File Cabinet, the Master Password to
the Computer System, and even... the Little Book!"
Kikuko's eyes grew wide. "
*THE* 'Little Book'? The one with
...
*those* phone numbers in it?"
Nabiki nodded, and Kikuko decided to faint.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ina looked around her Ono-sama's apartment as she stirred
her tea.
It took a bit of work, but she finally finished
redecorating the place. It wasn't easy to get daisy-themed
lace-trimmed chintz drapes, and even more difficult to get
furniture that matched, but she did it.
(Azusa Shiritori wandered by briefly, saw the d�cor, and
ran into the night screaming that there was such a thing as
too much kawaii. She was later found shuddering in an alley
in profound shock.)
It had been about two days since her Ono-sama had run off
after she had passed out from the falling debris. She had
waited for him, preparing him supper, redecorating his
apartment, putting manacles on his bed and in his shower,
and generally tidying up the clinic for his arrival. Still
no sign of her true love and soul mate.
She had disregarded the visit from the nasty tentacle demon
as mere sleep-induced dementia, and hoped that the
nightmare would not return. There were some things that
were just too naughty for her.
Concern for her darling held her attention, and she debated
what action to take to find him. He could be all alone,
hungry and sick ... or he could be shacked up with that
bitch calling herself 'Ranko'.
If that top-heavy tramp had cornered her sweet, shy Ono-
sama in any way, she was going to smear that redhead's
entrails all over this place called Nerima.
Briefly, she wondered about these bursts of temper she'd
been having. Ina was a dedicated pacifist; her motto was
'Peace and Love'. She felt that Good Will Triumph, and Love
Conquers All.
Except when it came to anything getting between her and her
Ono-sama!!
"She won't get him!" she growled to the empty room, her
rage erupting out of nowhere. "I don't care about her
spells and those fake snack-trays! I'M Ono-sama's little
daisy!" She snorted. "'Ranko Saotome'! Does she think she's
fooling anyone?! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!"
Eldritch forces swirled around the somewhat-demented girl.
"I'LL GET YOU, LINA INVERSE!!"
Lina Inverse sneezed.
She'd been looking around this city for nearly four days.
All she found out was that gold was fantastically valuable,
magic was really different (but her own still worked), and
this city was larger than some countries she'd blown up ...
er, visited.
"How am I supposed to find Miss Goody-Two-Shoes in this
weird place?"
A burst of mystic energy erupted on the horizon, virtually
invisible to the untrained eye.
But Lina Inverse had the best-trained eyes currently in
Japan.
"A-HA!" she cried. "Once again, the incredible intellect of
Lina Inverse solves the insoluble! RAYWING!"
Flying into the air, she headed in the direction of the
mystic energy burst.
* * * * * * * * * *
Standing in perfect straight lines in perfect rows, stood
the Furinkan High School student body. The perfect blending
of blue jumpers and black uniforms were spotted with shocks
of a red shirt and another of red hair (The usual suspects,
of course).
Noticeably gone was Ukyo in her boy's uniform, but that
sight was becoming regular. The rumor that she was in an
insane asylum was the mildest conjecture of where the
okonomiyaki chef could be.
"A-LOOOO-HA!!!" the familiar oddly-accented Japanese cried
out. "Dis be de day study for finals start to pass on to
next grade, yah?"
A mutter of consensus and fear was raised among the
students.
"Get on with it, you old fart!" Ranma shouted.
"It be well known fact that de hormones make students
forgetful, yah? Dat dey don' pay no mind to the teachers."
"Yeah!" Daisuke said. "Ain't it great? Yay hormones!"
Those in a ten-meter radius jumped on the fool and pounded
him. "Don't encourage him, baka!"
"So," the madman continued. "It now be de policy of de
school dat any students gettin' married durin' de school
year gotta take summer classes, den gotta take de whole
year over!"
"WHAT?" Ranma and Akane roared, leaping to the podium,
their feet landing on either side of the palm tree (which
failed to wipe the smile from the principal's demented
face).
"
*We're* the only students that have gotten married here in
the past year, you fruit loop!" Ranma yelled. "Or in the
past
*ten* years!"
"This is aimed solely at us!" Akane agreed.
"Yeah! Ain't it great?" he said. "De Big Kahuna's most
disobedient keikei and wahini gonna get whole 'nother year
to learn respect!"
Nabiki leaned over to Ranko and remarked, "I thought he
wanted to get rid of them. Go fig; I thought it was a
semester thing."
Ranko shook her red head. "You never fought him like me and
Niichan did. He doesn't want Ranma gone - he wants to break
him. He wants Ranma to crawl. This is just another way to
break his spirit."
"You can't keep us here like that, you demented freak!"
Ranma said, his fist descending.
Moving with amazing agility for a man in such obviously
poor physical condition, the principal dodged the blow.
"Sucks ta be you, keikei!" He leaned close. "And guess
what? I AREDDY DOOD IT! WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-
HA-HA-HA!!!"
"And will you STOP TALKING LIKE THAT?!?" Akane shrieked,
trying to smash the rapidly dodging loony with a mallet.
"IT SOUNDS STUPID! Even a Hawaiian tour guide would rather
cut his throat than talk like that!"
"Make et harder on youself, wahini!"
"I SAY THEE NAY!!"
Everyone turned to the pompous yell.
There, on the roof of the school building, lightning
illuminating the sky behind him (which was rather odd,
since it was clear everywhere else), was Tatewaki Kuno, the
rather silly-looking Blue Thunder.
"Damn," Ranko stated. "I gotta learn that trick!"
Nabiki nodded. "The one thing he does really well."
Kuno stood in a noble heroic pose, spoiled somewhat by the
bag of underwear, the t-shirt with the words 'How's my
window-peeping? Call 1-800-PERVERT', and the boxers with
the giant ant on the front. Not to mention the now-infamous
Bokken of Perversion.
"FOUL MISCREANT!" he cried in an admittedly impressive
tone. "I, THE MIGHTY BLUE THUNDER, SHALL PROVE MY MANLINESS
TO THE FAIR LADIES AKANE TENDO AND RANKO SAOTOME BY ENDING
YOUR REIGN OF EVIL ONCE AND FOR ALL!"
Akane hid her face in shame. "I'm
*MARRIED*, you incredibly
dense [CENSORED]!"
Ranko matched her hair color and moaned, "Where's a hole so
I can pull it in after me?"
Daisuke leaned close. "You can hide at my place."
Ranko demonstrated the Secret Amazon Gelding Grip (lessons
available from Matriarch Shampoo c/o the Nekohanten,
Nerima, Tokyo, Japan, for a modest fee). Daisuke fell to
the ground, screaming two octaves higher than ever before,
while every male who witnessed it fainted.
"An' how you gonna stop me, sonny-boy?" the principal
cackled.
Ranma grinned. "Hey! Maybe they'll kill each other! Oh
boy!"
Akane grinned along with him. "Good luck for a change,
Kuno!"
"I SHALL DEFEAT THEE WITH THY GREATEST WEAKNESS!" Kuno
proclaimed, whipping a piece of paper from the fly of his
shorts.
"EWWWWWW!!!" commented the crowd.
"BEHOLD!" Kuno stated in arrogant tones, "THINE OWN BIRTH
CERTIFICATE!!"
"YAAAAAHHHHH!!!" the Principal of Furinkan screamed and ran
over to a bust of himself. Pulling it open, he yanked down
a concealed lever.
Hidden doors opened under the students, causing them to
scramble to safety. Mighty engines hauled forth from its
underground hiding place the Principal's Greatest Secret.
"Behold! DE ULTIMATE TEACHING AID!" he cried in his
dementia. "MECHA-HAVAIIA-ZILLA!!"
The student body gazed in shock (and deeply offended
sensibilities) at the giant mecha made out of palm trees,
coconuts, and what appeared to be tiki statues, all topped
off by a humongous floral-print Hawaiian 'tourist' shirt.
"Please tell me he's kidding," Ranko said.
"'Fraid not," Nabiki said.
"My mighty beast!" the Principal shrieked. "KILL!!"
It just stood there.
"KILL!!"
Again, nothing happened.
"What's it supposed to do?" one student asked.
"Whatever it is, it's doing it," another answered.
One student shook his head. "Are you
*sure* this isn't a
'Project A-Ko' rip-off?"
The Principal whapped his own head. "Oops! De Big Kahuna
took de money for de motors an' spend it on educatin' de
students! Well, De Big Kahuna never make
*dat* mistake
again!"
"INDEED NOT!" Kuno said. "FOR NOW THY DOOM IS NIGH! AS
SURELY AS THOU ART NAMED-"
A flurry of exploding tropical produce flew toward Kuno,
ripping the new facade off the building.
"That's the key!" Ranma said to Akane. "The Principal's
name! We get his birth certificate, and we win!"
"How do we get it?" she asked.
"Steal it from Kuno, of course."
Nabiki sighed. "Of course. You'd never think of doing
anything simple - like asking the one person who knows
*all* the secrets."
"Right!" Ranma said, marching off. "Let's get that
certificate - URK!"
Ranma found himself face-down in the dirt, with his sister
and wife standing on his head.
Akane looked all sweet and innocent. "Oneechan? Do you know
the principal's real name?"
"Yep."
After a brief silence, punctuated only by the sounds of
exploding bananas in the distance, Akane asked. "Oneechan...
what is the principal's real name?"
Nabiki looked around at all the people who were craning
close trying to overhear.
"SCRAM!" she bellowed.
"When did Daddy teach you the Demon-head Trick?" Akane
asked as the eavesdroppers scattered.
"That's another question," Nabiki said smugly.
Nabiki crooked her finger, and Akane leaned close, so
Nabiki could whisper it in her ear.
She pulled away in shock. "THAT'S THE PRINCIPAL'S REAL
NAME?!?" she said, startled. "Oh the poor man! No wonder he
turned out that way!"
Ranma, Ranko, and the battling Kunos halted.
"You know THE NAME?!?" the Kunos said in shock.
"What is it?? What is it??" the Saotomes asked excitedly.
"It's - NO! I CAN'T!!" Akane said, covering her eyes with
her arm. "IT WOULD BE TOO CRUEL!!"
Ranko and Ranma's eyes bugged out as they screamed in
horror and anguish.
"Akane-chan!" Ranma insisted. "If we don't get rid of him,
we'll have to repeat the whole year!"
"But it's so - horrible!" she said.
"Who cares?" Ranko said. "This is
*Principal Kuno* we're
talking about! Do the bastard before he does us!"
"I can't!" Akane insisted, weeping. "After I married Ranma,
I promised myself that I'd never be so cruel and sadistic
again!"
One student cried out, "I got five hundred yen that says
it's 'Paulette'!"
"Covered!" Kikuko cried out.
Ranma felt steam coming off of him. "AKANE SAOTOME! IF YOU
DON'T TELL ME THAT NAME RIGHT NOW, I'LL NEVER SPANK YOU
AGAIN!!"
... silence reigned ... (Except of one voice crying out "I
knew it!")
Kuno visualized Akane being spanked (and enjoying it), and
his eyes rolled back in his head as he passed out.
Unnoticed, one Hikaru Gosunkugi, visualizing the exact same
thing, suffered a near-fatal nosebleed at this point.
Akane blushed, then leaned close and whispered to Ranma.
Ranma looked horrified. "Oh geez .."
Ranko hopped up and down, shaking her fists in rage. "WHAT
THE BLEEDING GREEN PUS IS THE FRIGGING
*NAME*?!?"
The Principal fell down on his knees before Ranma. "I'll
give you perfect grades! You'll be Class Valedictorian!
You'll get SCHOLARSHIPS! Jus' DON'T SAY IT!!"
Ranma looked at his sister. "Koneko."
Ranko was shocked. "What?"
"His name. Koneko."
A grinning Kikuko grabbed a five-hundred yen note from a
sad-faced student.
Ranko looked at the lei-wearing weirdo with pity. "Your
parents named you 'Kitten'??"
Principal Koneko Kuno squealed and curled up in a fetal
position.
A rumble started... the rumble of a whisper spreading in a
crowd. It grew louder, occasionally resolving into the word
'Koneko' before dissolving...
... into laughter.
As one person, the entire student body of Furinkan High
School (plus faculty) fell on their asses and laughed.
Chibi-Hinako dashed up to the shaking and pale Principal.
"Ooooh! Poor Kitten! Is oo embawassed?"
With an inhuman shriek, Koneko Kuno, Principal of Furinkan
High School, Hawaii fanatic, and sole survivor of the Kuno
School of Martial Arts Barber Sciences, burrowed into the
ground and vanished from human ken.
Hinako piku-pikued. "Was it something I said?"
Ranko elbowed Ranma and pointed at the unconscious Tatewaki
Kuno.
The twins looked at each other, evil grins spreading over
their features.
* * * * * * * * * *
In the distant nation of Lower Slobbovia, some time later...
(For those who do not know, Lower Slobbovia is a nation
that produces the ugliest women on Earth. Male children are
never born in Lower Slobbovia, since their pre-born souls
look down from Heaven, see the quality of the women, and
decide to be born elsewhere. They maintain their population
only by kidnapping men from other nations to breed with.)
A crowd of fantastically-ugly women gazed at the heavens.
The low-flying aircraft dropped a package, which deployed a
parachute and drifted to earth.
When the large crate hit the ground, the sides fell away,
revealing the bound and gagged form of Tatewaki Kuno.
Kuno came awake, sensing powerful female force nearby. He
gazed at the crowd.
"Where are the women?" he asked.
"LAND ALIVE!" one hideous woman cried. "A MAN!"
"A frisky one, too!" a yet-more-hideous woman cried.
An utterly-horrific female lunged forward. "MINE!!"
Kuno snapped his bonds in one amazing burst of fear-induced
adrenalin and leapt out the path of the horny harridan.
A disgusting-looking female creature ran toward him, a look
of depraved joy in her alleged face. "COME TO ME, MY STUD-
MUFFIN!"
Kuno beheld the mob of women, each one uglier than the
last, charging toward him, expressions of lust on their
faces, and screamed like a little girl.