--
Jack and Jill Staik
(Yes, we know...)
http://home.earthlink.net/~jstaik1043/otaku.htm
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: owd11.txt
DISCLAIMER: This fanfic was not involved in any African or
European swallows being injured while carrying coconuts.
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Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 11
by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
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At TokyoTV ...
"What do we know about this fortune?" a news 'journalist'
aked her staff researcher.
The researcher pulled out his notes. "The trust was founded
by industrialist Hitoshi Matsuhara for his grandchild. It
was set up in Matsuhara's will so that his daughter's
husband, one Genma Saotome, wouldn't get his hands on it."
"What about this 'Genma'?"
The researcher snorted. "He's got a police record stretching
back over thirty years in twenty-two countries!"
The 'reporter' leaned in, smelling blood. "A master
criminal? An international drug kingpin? A white slaver or
smuggler?"
"I wish! A petty thug. Offenses include loitering, vagrancy,
skipping out on hotel and restaurant bills, panhandling,
stealing housepets, and pilfering food. There are also
numerous notes on file by various police agencies suspecting
him of child abuse."
"Ugh," the 'reporter' said. "Hardly a ratings grabber."
The researcher grinned. "Oh, you'll
*love* this! His wife,
Nodoka Matsuhara, is suing for divorce!"
"Oh? What grounds?"
"Non-consummation."
The 'reporter' grabbed the research material. "So this
'heir' is -"
"- conceived by her lover," the researcher confirmed.
"Oooo!! Now
*this* is better! Who's the father?"
"A man named Ichiro Hibiki."
"Ichiro-chan?"
"Huh?"
She shook her head and let it drop. "Nothing. What about the
heir?"
"It's still unclear whether the heir was Ranma Saotome or
Ranko Saotome. Records show that a Ranma Saotome married an
Akane Tendo not more than a few days ago, and there was a
death certificate for Ranko Saotome - Ranma's stillborn twin
sister - from seventeen years ago."
The 'reporter' looked puzzled. "But if she's dead -"
The researcher shook his head. "Ranko Saotome was enrolled
at Furinkan High School along with both Ranma Saotome and
Akane Tendo. Further research found her to be working for a
local physician by name of Ono Tofu."
The researcher handed over a photo of the girl in question.
"Not bad," the 'reporter' commented.
"Wait," the researcher said. Then he handed over a cocktail
napkin with a picture of the same girl, her hair in a
braided pigtail, topless, in a casually provocative position.
"Oh my," quoth the 'reporter'.
"These were sold internationally over the internet a few
months ago by one Nabiki Tendo - the sister of Akane
Saotome, who just married Ranma Saotome."
The 'reporter' grew a feral smile. "I smell ratings! Not
little OJ-type, but
*big* ratings!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranma and Akane prepared for school in their room, wasting
time on touch and talk before they headed downstairs.
He loved her, loved her dearly. He'd fought for her, he'd
suffered for her, he'd even killed for her.
Yet, the thoughts kept pounding on the door to his
consciousness. Nasty little naughty thoughts concerning the
girl most forbidden to him.
Ranma knew he loved Akane, even when there wasn't sex. He
wanted to make a home with her, have children, grow old
together. Things that most marriages thrive on, things that
will always be there even at seven in the morning when they're
getting the children ready for school. That kind of love.
Were these feelings a last chance to 'sow his oats'? (What
are oats, anyway?)
Nuh-uh!!! The doc said it was magic. He didn't start having
these dreams until a few days ago, and last night was too damn
vivid for him to come up with!
Yes, he was jealous! The doc was in Ko-chan's bed; a rival
was taking away the one person who will always be with him,
who always
*was* with him in the most intimate of ways -
within his own flesh!
"Ready, Ranma-sama?" Akane asked.
"Yes, my ichunnohito," he replied, kissing her face.
Akane smiled, even as a chill passed through her. She
*knew*
he was thinking of Ranko. But she also knew that he loved her
- a love totally different from the way he felt about Ranko.
Worst of all, she couldn't just pummel her. That's what was
frustrating about the whole mess - she could hold her own,
and probably beat her in a fair fight. And it would force
Ranma to take sides, for which he'd never forgive either one.
Akane knew that she couldn't compete with Ranko. And that
she shouldn't have to. But there was still that mean, sour-
tempered little tomboy in her heart grabbing Ranma and
yeling 'mine-mine-mine!'
* * * * * * * * * *
"What do you mean you have to leave Nerima?" Ranko asked
calmly as Tofu finished drinking his tea.
"My suspicions regarding what occurred last night have lead
me to the conclusion - "
"Like hell," she muttered. "'Love-'em-and-leave-'em' type,
should have known."
"It's not like that," he countered, taking her hand in his.
"I'm sorry to tell you this, Ranko Saotome, but I care about
you, and I'm going to find out why someone is mucking around
with our affections."
She yanked her hand away. "It was just sex," she stated,
crossing her legs and turning away. Her arms crossed her
chest, then lowered under her ribcage; she found her breasts
were tender.
"And who had who pinned?" he asked.
"At what point?" she replied.
"Point taken. I must go and confront this person; I want to
know what they have to gain by trying to turn this place into
a brothel."
"You didn't like our ... ?" she mumbled, lowering her face.
He smiled gently, tracing her cheek. "I loved it, my darling
girl. But it wasn't real."
"It wasn't real," she repeated. "I feel violated." She
looked up, then hit him with a slipper. "You took advantage
of me, you pervert!!"
He pulled off his own slipper and swatted her back. "
*Who*
did
*what* to
*whom*, Little Miss 'The-Light-Fixtures-Can-
Hold-Our-Weight'?"
"You knew what was going on and took advantage of my
vulnerable state, lecher!"
"If I did, why tell you about it the next day?"
"You're a weirdo is all."
He smiled sadly. "I forgive you for saying that."
She lowered her eyes, ashamed. He wasn't going to get away
with it that easy, though.
"Get out."
Tofu allowed his shoulders to slump. "I'll go. I'll find who
did this, and make sure you're safe. And I'll prove myself to
you."
Ono walked away quickly. He didn't want anyone to see the
tears on his face.
Ranko kept her eyes closed as she felt him leave the room.
She buried her face in her arms on the table and sobbed.
"Don't leave me, Ono. Don't leave me."
Akane saw Tofu leave, then went to the dining room to find
Ranko weeping. Thoughts of jealousy were pushed out of her
mind as she comforted her sister-in-law.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ryoga followed the yellow string Shampoo set up for him to
the mailbox. He located the bills and letters and followed
the yellow string back into the kitchen. Why the yellow
string made a detour through Oz, he wasn't sure. (Oh, well,
it was good to see Charley Horse again.)
Water bill, electric bill, gas bill, junk mail, letters from
China ...
And one addressed to him, using his full name. The script
was in an ornate style done up with black ink and shimmers
of sliver.
He turned the envelope over and gazed at the silver rose
seal, brilliant in the flourescent lights of the kitchen. He
open it and read the following:
[My Grandson Ryoga,]
[It is with light heart that I write you with my
congratulations on your impending marriage with the
Amazon warrior-woman Xian Pu. I sincerely hope that
you defy family tradition and are blessed with a happy
home.]
[With this note is also a warning. I know your mother
'loses' herself constantly and most likely has not
told you what you should be aware of. Since she
herself is unaware of many things that I should have
warned her about long ago, I hold myself responsible
for that. The sins of the fathers are passed down to
the sons, it seems.]
[You are a grown man and must make your own decisions,
but I must warn you not to consort with anyone
claiming to be related to me. I don't want you to be
entangled in family problems you have no stake in.
Besides, they're all ruthless, unprincipled bastards -
especially me.]
[I shall visit you soon, my Grandson. I'm not sure
when, but you shall know me.]
[Your Grandfather]
Ryoga scratched his head, puzzling over the message. He
received a few notes from his mother's father throughout his
life, and each was always confusing. What was most unusual
was that they arrived wherever he was at the time, no matter
how lost he was.
Well, he had dishes to do at the moment.
* * * * * * * * * *
The front gate of the Tendo-turned-Saotome Dojo was swarmed
with tabloid and 'legitimate' reporters and cameramen, eager
to sink their fangs into the young heir and his/her in-laws.
The fact that there may or may not be two heirs, along with a
bizarre mystery concerning a girl who may or may not be alive
(plus the naughty pictures), was fodder enough for several
volumes of tabloid articles.
Puzzling to the reporters was the fact that the neighbors
refused to speak with them concerning the Tendo and Saotome
families. The reporters detected the scent of fear like pigs
sniffing trash, and it had to be investigated.
Last night's shenanigans regarding the sudden sexual activity
(loud enough to be heard from thre street) was the juiciest
story they could hope for.
Another was making its way out.
Sasuke, mumbling incoherently about damn-fool perverts and
weirdo employers, hauled a prone Kuno with his bokken glued
to his chest outside. The ninja took a deep breath and
pitched the human rubbish over the wall, landing him face-
down in the garbage can.
Several reporters crowded around to loot (what else do they
do, really?) through the garbage (what else is Kuno, really?)
and find out what happened. Headlines of 'Human Sacrifices
Found In Saotome Garbage' danced through their dung-addled
brains.
Kuno awoke to being manhandled by several people. "What is
this?" he asked, shaking his head to clear what cobwebs
wouldn't go away. "I have survived the embraces of both my
Akane-chan and Ranko-chan?"
Reporters scribbled furiously in their notebooks. He looked
down at the females among the throng, and smiled widely.
"Ah, my lovelies! I need nourishment from thy bosoms!"
An undeterminded amount of time later, Kuno was being hunted
down by the mob of female reporters for not only copping
feels but for stealing various undergarments as well. He
bounded down the street, laughing maniacally, energized from
the drains and the loving he got from his darlings.
"I shall woo thee proper, my voluptuous loves!" he cried,
seeing ultra-kawaii versions of Akane and Ranko in the
clouds above him. "Today, tomorrow, forever!"
A Bicycle of Death landed on him as Shampoo swerved into the
Saotome Dojo, thus allowing the mob to kick him while he's
down (tabloid reporters being experts at such things).
Shampoo noted the Beating of the Pervert (a fine old Nerima
tradition) with some approval, and went to enter the Saotome
home.
Just as a mob of reporters surrounded her, babbling
questions at her in a language that she had only passing
fluency in at best.
"Shampoo not have time for this!" she cried, punching her
way through the crowd while she held her son close to her
chest in his carrier. Soon, the press of reporters lightened
up as the closer-in ones began to flee for their lives, only
to be blocked by the ones further out trying to press their
way in.
"Is Ranma Saotome your child's father?" someone yelled out
quite distinctly.
"No, Stupid!" she chided.
Shampoo grabbed one at random in a choke-hold and leapt to
the roof, then went in a window. Conditioner chose that
moment to spit up in the reporter's face.
Sasuke looked up from the pile of unmentionables he was
putting in a garbage can and raised the visor on his NBC
suit. "Hello, Miss Shampoo and child. May I help you? Please
don't touch anything - this was Happosai's old room."
Shampoo shrank back from
*everything*. Much as she loved her
son, his former life as the Grand High Pervert of Japan (and
possibly all Asia) still made her nauseous. "ICK! Where door?"
He pointed, and Shampoo hopped over him and into the hall.
"Is Saotomes here?"
"Downstairs."
"Arigato."
"Hey!" the reporter cried. "Ack! Please let me go! Urk!"
Shampoo paid him no mind as she hopped off the second-floor
balcony down to the first-floor walkway.
The ear-splitting scream he emitted as she hopped did
attract some attention.
"What
*now*?!?" Ranma snapped, coming into the hall.
"Nihao, Ranma!"
"Hiya, Shampoo. Who's this?"
"Prisoner from mob seiging dojo. For interrogation."
"BWAAAK!!" the reporter commented, trying to get away from
the petite Chinese girl.
Shampoo bonked him with a small mallet. "Cut that out! Take
torture like man!"
"TORTURE?!? YAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
"Stop screaming - make baby upset!" She dropped the man and
cuddled Conditioner.
"Shampoo-chan," Kasumi chided gently, "Please don't scare him.
Don't worry, sir - we have no intention of torturing you."
"Arigato - URK!!"
"But," Ranma added, holding the reporter off the floor by
his throat, "I would like to know why you people are
surrounding our house!"
"It's news! Huge fortune - mysterious heirs - sex - AKKK!!!"
"You've been spying on us?!?" Ranma yelled.
Ranko came in, Akane and Nabiki right behind. "Can't you
guys keep it down? I want to wallow in self-pity in peace!"
She glanced at the man Ranma was strangling. "Who's that?"
"One of the reporters," Ranma said. "I was gonna beat him up
and hang him from the dojo roof to scare them away."
At this point, the reporter started crying.
Nabiki shook her head. "Nah, that would just make the rest
hungrier. The best way to handle this is to put out some
counter-rumors. Let him go, Ranma."
Ranma shrugged, acknowledging Nabiki's superior skill in
Martial Arts Rumor-Mongering, and let his captive fall to
the floor.
Nabiki picked him up and brushed him off. "I'm Nabiki Tendo
- executor and press agent for the Saotome estate. I'll be
happy to give you an exclusive interview, Mister - ?"
"Hitori Dezaki, 'Tokyo Intruder'," the reporter coughed.
"When did you become our press agent?" Akane asked.
"Just now. And believe me, my services don't come cheap."
As Nabiki led the traumatized-and-thus-easily-manipulated
reporter away, Kasumi asked, "What brings you by, Shampoo-
chan?"
"Oh!" Shampoo exclaimed. "Almost forgot! Wanted to warn Airen's
family!"
"Warn us?" Ranma said, all three Saotomes tensing up. "About
what?"
"Shampoo attacked on delivery route by gang of ninja pigs!"
"Huh?" Akane and Ranma said.
"Akari?" Ranko said. "But she seemed like much too nice a
person to train ninja livestock."
"Pig-Girl nuts!" Shampoo stated. "Might try nastiness with
Airen's family!"
"Most likely she'll concentrate on you," Ranma said. "But
we'll keep an eye out. And if you need help, let us know."
"Arigato, Ranma," Shampoo said, giving him a hug.
Ranma glanced over nervously at Akane, as if expecting to be
malleted.
But the hug was brief, and Akane just smiled at him, making
him release the breath he'd been holding.
"Why so tense?" Akane said. "You act like I'm some sort of
insanely jealous uncute tomboy who'd mallet you just for being
hugged by some girl!"
The brief silence following that statement was shattered by
everyone in earshot breaking into laughter.
Nabiki poked her head back in the hallway. "What's the fuss
about?"
"Akane-chan's developing a sense of humor!" Ranko chortled.
Nabiki nodded. "Good. About time."
* * * * * * * * * *
"BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!"
The Evil Laugh echoed through the sewers under Nerima, making
rats and certain mutant turtles check their backs and scuttle
away.
Akari closed her mouth and scowled (cutely).
"I've
*got* to stop doing that," she murmured. "Report,
Unsanmushou!"
The ninja pig that survived the morning's attack reported to
her in pig tongue (no relation to Latin) of how a band of
Amazons jumped to the girl's rescue, overpowering his clan
with sheer numbers and magical weapons.
"I knew the harpie used magic!" Akari exclaimed. She paced
the room, her cloak billowing around her.
Akari's new look involved a frilly pink cloak that swept
around her with every move. The cloak had a subtle pig motif
woven into it, as did the pink bustier, the pink tap-pants,
the pink garters and stockings, and even the pink stiletto-
heel shoes, which had little pink pigs securing the ankle-
straps.
"She used evil spells to ensnare my Ryoga-sama! She used evil
magic to enchant this helpless piggie!" She squeezed the
bound-and-immobile piglet that hung from her neck to her
bosom. "But we'll rescue my darling Ryoga-sama from that evil
witch!"
The piglet looked at the ninja. "Bwee??" [Help me! Don't
leave me with her!]
"Grunt," the ninja pig replied. [I got my own problems, Mac!]
"Bwee-bwee-bwee!!" [You don't know how sick she is! She'll
turn me human again and get mad at the Lost Idiot and beat
me up!]
"Grunt-snork." [What can I say? Things are tough all over.]
"Squeal!" [I'm just a helpless piglet!]
"Grunt-grunt." [Oh, cry me a river.]
"Bwee?" [Oh, you know Soun, too?]
"Poor widdle piggie-wiggie snookum-wookums!" Akari cooed,
hugging the black piglet (which was rapidly turning green).
[Oh gods! What did I do to deserve this?] P-Chan prayed.
"We'll turn everything right again! I promise!" Akari said.
"Now, Unsanmushou! I want you to keep an eye on her and
Ryoga-sama and find out the best way to take him in the
middle of the night. Perhaps kidnapping will be best."
"Grunt." [As you wish, mistress.]
Akari hugged P-chan closer and patted his head. He struggled
against his bonds, squealing for help, to no avail.
* * * * * * * * * *
Shampoo arrived home to find a couple of early customers
amusing themselves by trying to give Ryoga contradictory
directions to their tables with their orders.
Shampoo snorted, grabbed the tray, and tossed the orders to
the partons without spilling anything.
"Watch how you treat Shampoo's man!" she snarled.
"Hello, Shampoo-chan," Ryoga said.
"Nihao, Airen," she said, giving him a quick kiss.
"Not bad," Tofu said. "Good toss."
"Arigato, Tofu-sensei," Shampoo said. "Come by for
breakfast?"
He shook his head. "I came to ask you about Cologne."
Shampoo turned to Ryoga. "Take red line to kitchen, Airen.
This Amazon business."
He nodded and went to the kitchen, carefully following the
red line painted on the floor.
"(I see you have a handle on that problem,)" he said
approvingly in Mandarin.
"(Working on it,)" she said. "(What do you want with Cologne?)"
"(A spell was cast on the Saotome house last night. I believe
it was directed at Ranma and Ranko - and that Cologne cast it.)"
Shampoo was puzzled. "(What would her motive be?)"
"(I don't know - but I intend to find out. And stop her.
What route was she taking into China?)"
"(North Shadow Port. Willow Tree Secret Route. She should be
docking today.)"
He nodded. "(Then I can meet her before she gets home.)"
After exchanging pleasantries, Tofu left, heading for the
airport.
Shampoo hoped that her great-grandmother wasn't trying
anything with the Saotomes. After all, they were becoming
friends, and would soon be considered a sept of her clan by
marriage.
Going to the kitchen, she looked for Ryoga, but he wasn't
there.
She sighed. "(Where are you now??)"
"Right here," he said, spooking Shampoo.
"(Where the devils did you come from?)" she said.
"I'm not sure," he said. "I was following the red line, then
as I was walking along the edge of the gorge -"
"(What gorge?)"
"The one the red line runs alongside of."
Shampoo looked at him blankly, then shook her head. "(There's
no time for that.)" She went into detail about the attack
she suffered at the hands of the ninja pigs.
"Wow," he said. "Who would attack with ninja pigs?"
She whapped him with a rolling pin. "(Akari, you dip!)"
He looked puzzled. "Where would Akari get ninja pigs?"
"(If she can teach pigs to be sumotori, she can teach them
ninjitsu!)"
He nodded slowly. "I guess ..."
"(We have to improve our defenses. I won't have this silly
girl trying anything!)"
"Don't worry, Shampoo-chan. Akari's really a nice girl. She
won't try anything really nasty."
"(I hope you're right.)"
* * * * * * * * * *
In her hidden lair, Akari sneezed, then she sniffed and
directed her minions in the assembly of the Doomsday Device.