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Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day"
Fourth of The Tales of Ranma and Ranko
by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
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Chapter One
Nabiki and Ranko nodded to each other as they sat down to
breakfast. Neither of them was a morning person, not to
mention they'd had trouble sleeping.
The reasons they had trouble sleeping came in, arm-in-arm,
fresh from their wedding night.
Akane was positively *glowing*, and Ranma had the most
incredibly smug grin on his face.
"Ick," Nabiki commented.
"Ugh," Ranko chimed in.
They made little other comment as Mr. and Mrs. Saotome sat
down.
"This feels odd," Akane stated.
"Don't it, though?" Ranma said. "No old farts."
"I still half-expect to see that damn-fool panda waddle in
here and try to steal our breakfast," Ranko added.
"And Daddy buried behind the paper, too," agreed Nabiki.
Kasumi sighed, gazing at her family as she served breakfast,
humming to herself. "Strange, isn't it? We just kicked
Father out of the house, and I feel rather calm about it.
No qualms whatsoever."
"Because he was a swindling, lying, deceitful bastard?"
Nabiki said.
Kasumi nodded. "Yes, I believe so."
Everyone noticed Kasumi even appeared to be more cheerful
than usual. Perhaps dating that pain-in-the-ass Jiro Hibiki
(formerly the pain-in-the-ass Pantyhose Taro) was good for
her.
Nabiki and Ranko looked on as Ranma nuzzled Akane.
Nabiki snorted in disgust. "If you two are going to breed,
could you at least do it upstairs? Some of us are trying to
eat."
"It's our house, oneechan," Akane mentioned. "We'll breed
where we darn well please. Right, anata?"
"Did someone say something?" Ranma said, gazing into Akane's
eyes. "I was too busy looking at you to notice."
Akane smiled and kissed him gently.
"EWWWWWWW!!!" Ranko and Nabiki commented, dashing from the
room.
Kasumi sighed. "Newlyweds."
"Actually, oneechan," Akane said, "We were thinking of an
actual ceremony - a proper one, without maniacs and mobs of
weirdos showing up."
"Just for family," Ranma said. "Besides, I want Akane to
have nice memories of her wedding - not just signing papers
in a clerk's office."
"Oh, that's nice," Kasumi agreed.
Ranko and Nabiki dashed in. "Can we help?"
"I could help you with your wedding kimonos," Ranko
suggested.
"And I could send invitations, and collect the wedding gifts
-" Nabiki began.
Ranma and Akane glared at her, the force of the glare shattering Nabiki's glass of orange juice.
"- or maybe I could just mix punch for the reception."
"When will the ceremony be?" Kasumi asked.
"Summer holiday begins in two weeks," Akane said. "That
would be perfect."
"I can plan the menu," Ranma said helpfully. "I'm a good
cook - BWAAAK!!"
Akane smiled lovingly even as she pulled on his ear. "You,
my baka and One True Love, are - as you're so fond of
pointing out - a *guy*. All you do is stand at the altar and
look decorative. Weddings are a *girl* thing."
"But it's the only wedding I'll ever have!" he protested.
"Can't I help a little?"
Akane released his ear and looked thoughtful. "Well, we can
use you as a model for altering kimonos -"
<ZOOOM!>
Nabiki shook her head. "Some things never change."
"What about the guest list?" Ranko asked.
Soon, the Tendo and Saotome women were hip-deep in wedding
plans.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Oh, wonderful day! Oh, happy day!" the Goddess Benzaiten
cried out, pleased with herself. A promotion would probably
be in order for her work on the Saotome boy and Tendo girl.
O-Kuni-Nushi smiled indulgently at her as she danced around.
"What a fine little mess You made, my dear Benzaiten-san."
"Oh?" She paused, locking eyes with him in surprise. "What
have I done wrong, oh, Great One? I thought You would be
happy in Your pairing of the physician-sorceror and the
sister of my Saotome boy?"
"Little One, there is more going on than You know - and
Eryala's big mouth didn't help matters - "
"Oh, that succubus!" she exclaimed. "I could just wring her
little neck for revealing everything!"
"Unfortunately, she is not in Our 'jurisdiction'," the
Senior Deity explained. "But You still have not taken care
of a few of Your other pets."
"Which ones?"
"The ones who still oppose the union of the Saotome boy and
Tendo girl. They *will* come back."
She sighed. "They always do. What shall I do, O-Kuni-Nushi-
san?"
He smiled gently. "If You are old enough to get Yourself into trouble, You are old enough to get Yourself out of it.
To rise in the Divine Ranks, You must be able to take care
of what problems develop from Your works. As of now,
everything is going according to plan. However, the
presence of Jealousy, Fear, and Misunderstanding will eventually manifest."
"In other words: the usual," she murmured. "I don't remember
being like this when I was a mortal teenager."
"These children are special. They have the potential to
become Gods themselves if they choose to. That's why it is
the hardest project to be taken upon by a Goddess as young
as Yourself."
She blushed in flattery. "I shall correct it, then."
"Acceptable." He turned as if to leave, then faced her
again. "And Benzaiten-san?"
"Yes, Great O-Kuni-Nushi-san?"
"Do not, under any circumstances, speak with a fellow called
Random."
She noted the nervous tone her Senior had in conjunction
with the name, and knotted her fine brows in puzzlement. She
knew of no God called 'Random', and such nervousness
couldn't be caused by a mortal.
"Why is that?"
"Please don't."
"Yes, Great One."
* * * * * * * * * *
Shampoo, now Matriarch Xian Pu, was whirling around the
kitchen in morning preparation frenzy. Her newly-named
adopted son Conditioner switched between giggling and crying
in his back-carrier.
Rose Petal returned from her morning exercises (translated:
went to beat on her father Ichiro Hibiki), gazing in
admiration as Shampoo cooked and Ryoga packaged the delivery
orders in assistance. They moved like dancers, transforming
food preparation into a ballet with food flying through the
air.
It was especially amazing since Ryoga had been helping just
a short time. But he handled the kitchen work as if he'd
been practicing it all his life.
"{Anything I can do to help?}" she asked.
Shampoo smiled in relief. She handed her new employee a map
of Nerima with various locations marked on it. "{You can
deliver these orders Airen just packed.}"
"NANI??? {How the hells do I do that?}"
Shampoo paused to lead her out back and show her the
notorious Bicycle of Death.
"{On this. It's the best transporation, and it's well-
balanced and aerodynamic enough to not have to use the
streets. I often use rooftops.}"
Rose Petal nodded, snapping her steel-edged fan out and
grinning. "{I shall not fail you, Matriarch.}"
"{Thank you. Get going, but take your time to know the
neighborhood. And watch out for Stick-Boy - he's becoming
quite a pest.}"
"Stick-Boy?" she repeated as Shampoo tossed the packages of
ramen out to her and slammed the door shut.
* * * * * * * * * *
Sasuke was impressed, he had to admit. The young master
managed to bound effortlessly up to the roof of a two-story
building, and run at amazing speeds. His new skills were
quite impressive.
In fact, his new skills were the only thing keeping him
ahead to the mob of nuns (Christian and Buddhist, with a
sprinkling of Shinto temple maidens) that were now pursuing
him, various instrument of death and dismemberment in their
hands.
"KILL THE PERVERT!!" they cried. "DIE, PANTY-THIEF!!"
Sasuke shook his head, then hefted his bags over his shoulder.
No way could he stay around here - Kuno had become just too
damn weird. (He didn't even want to think about the Cantaloupe
Incident - brrrr.) Perhaps he could find employment with that
nice Nabiki Tendo girl.
Kuno dashed ahead of his admirers, attracted away from their
holy callings by his amazing virility. Alas, while their
wholesome female energies strengthened him, he must save his
strength for his wooing of the fair Ranko.
He spotted a wholesome blonde girl ahead, dressed in a daisy
motif. A last burst of energy to outrun his admirers,
perhaps.
Ina was startled when a strong hand reached around her waist
and grabbed her breast.
"SWEETO!!" a male voice cried.
Ina screamed and pulled away. Turning quickly, she saw ...
what had to be one of the weirdest persons she had ever
seen. And he had an overflowing bag of *panties* in one hand
and a bokken shaped like a ... OHMYGOD!!!
"Small, but nice," Kuno commented. "'More than a mouthful is
a waste,' as the Master wrote. I thank thee, fair maiden,
for thy gift," he said holding up Ina's bra. He looked at it
oddly. "Vinyl?"
"You - you PERVERT!!" she cried, her eyes blazing. "Only
Ono-sama can do that! EXPLOSION ARRAY!!"
The eruption of the pavement was seen up to half a kilometer
away.
Kuno, however, was knocked out by the shockwave almost
immediately. So when he landed just a few meters in front of
his pursuers, he was (unfortunately) unconscious when they
started beating on him.
When Kuno awakened, he was saddened that his recent trophies
had been taken ... especially the one from the Daisy Maiden.
"HOLD!" Kuno exclaimed. "She did say 'Ono-sama'?? Obviously
yet another helpless maiden held by the foul sorcerer. And
he even used magic to keep me from her! But I shall save
her!" He thrust his bokken into the air and struck a heroic
pose (utterly spoiled by what he'd carved his bokken into).
"So swears the Blue Thunder!"
* * * * * * * * * *
This was the place.
A Holy Quest was nearing completion; in this place called
'Nerima' would be found the Godslayer.
They would find the Godslayer, and a New Age would begin.
"Soon, brethren! Soon our Faith shall be rewarded! The
Destiny of our people and the Destiny of the Godslayer shall
be joined!"
>From the assembled fanatics there came a cheer.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Oh, yeeeesssss ... " Ranko gasped.
"You like that, my love?" Tofu cooed.
"Oh, I can't stand it anymore! Please!"
"Please, what?"
"Please do with me as you will! I must - *gasp* - have -
*moan* - you, Ono!!!"
"Yes. Ko-sama! Let me feel your femaleness embrace me in hot
need!" he cried.
"Ono?"
"Yes!"
"Ono?"
"*moan*"
"Wake up, you dip!"
Doctor Ono Tofu awoke with a start as a splash of cold ice
water presented itself in his face. He gazed around in
blurry morning vision (heightened with near-sightedness) as
he felt for his glasses.
"Ko-sama? Er, Ko-chan?" He shoved his glasses on and found
his (fully-dressed) true love leaning over him, an empty
glass in her hand and smirking gently.
"And *you* told *me* to take it slow, darling?"
He cleared his throat, blushing, and sat up. "Hey, how'd you
get in here?"
She grinned, letting the key hanging off a neckchain around
her neck dangle in front of his eyes. "You gave this to me
last night, remember? The key to your private apartment. I
just wanted to know something."
"Yes?"
"Will you be my date to Niichan and Akane's wedding?"
He chuckled, wrapping his arms around her and nuzzling her
neck. "I'd be delighted."
"Not 'let me feel your femaleness embrace me in hot need'?"
she asked, wiggling her eyebrows.
He blushed deeply again and she giggled, kissing his forehead.
"You have a perverted subconscious, but I love you anyway,"
she said sweetly. "The wedding's in two weeks. I'll keep your
calendar clear."
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranko went downstairs and did a bit of straightening up
behind the receptionist's desk, humming happily all the
while. (He called her 'Ko-sama' in his dreams!) As she did,
the newly repaired door to the front opened.
"Hello, may I help you?" she said, then got a good look at
the person who had entered. "Oh, Sophia-san!" she continued
very loudly while pressing the intercom button to the
upstairs apartment. "Darn, you just missed Tofu-sensei - he
had a house call!"
"Oh, my! I can't believe I missed him *again*! My widdle-
bitty heart is just broken all to pieces!" She sobbed a bit.
"Oh, fudge!" she gasped, then blushed. "Oh, pardon my bad
language!"
<Ick!> "Oh, well, you can always try later!" Ranko offered,
waving her hand toward the door.
"Don't worry - Ranko, isn't it?" Ina Sophia said, smiling in
a sweet and generous fashion. "I'll just wait here!"
"Um, here?" Ranko knew there was only one way out of Tofu's
apartment - straight through the reception area.
"Oh yes!" she giggled sweetly. "We'll get to know each
other! We'll make lemonade and swap recipes and paint each
other's toenails and do each other's hair and have a really
super-duper peachy-keen time!"
<Ono seriously expects me to believe *this* is a closet
dominatrix?!?> "Er - uh -"
"Gosh and golly, that's swell!" Ina said.
Ranko gulped, letting her shirt slip off her shoulder and
expose a black bra strap in disbelief.
* * * * * * * * * *
A rapid fire knock pounded on the door of the Hibiki house.
"Damn you, bastards!" Jiro mumbled. "Let a guy have some
peace, for Gods' sakes!"
Ichiro closed the door of the guest room where his eldest
son slept and dashed down the stairs to the front door. On
the other side was Doctor Tofu, panting and panic-stricken.
He pressed in and shut the door, locking all the locks
attached to the door and dragging a hall table in front to
barricade it. He then proceeded to hide behind his friend.
"Um, Ono?"
"Yes, Ichiro-san?"
"Does this have to do with my daughter?"
"Not at all. Remember Ina Sophia?"
Ichiro chuckled. "The little girl from Medina with the
fondness for daisies."
(Ichiro had met the girl once, and found Tofu's description
ludicrous; no doubt his friend was just trying to keep her
for himself.)
"Hai - she's found me! Ko-chan warned me and I managed to
escape out my window."
"Uh ... huh ... " Hibiki Senior stated slowly. "Listen, Ono-
san, if this is a bizarre way of you telling me that you
don't want to date Ranko, you should tell her, not me. I'm
only her biological father."
Tofu blinked in confusion. "Um, Ichiro-san, can I just hide
out here until Ina leaves?"
Ichiro nodded. "Of course, old friend. Whatever you say.
Excuse me." He quickly went to the next room.
As Tofu continued to barricade the door, he found himself
annoyed by Ichiro's braying laughter.
* * * * * * * * * *
"NO, AND STAY OUT, YOU REPROBATE!!!"
Genma was quite surprised when he landed face-first in a
pile of fish. Not because he landed in the pile of fish,
but because his dainty and submissive wife had thrown him
bodily out of her house through the hole in her garden wall
(created by Ranma a few days before by accident).
He spat out a flopping fish and looked up to see Soun Tendo
stare him down with the sulk of sulks upon his thin face.
"This is all your fault, Saotome!"
"How the hells is it *my* fault, Tendo??"
"For taking her son away for ten years, for swindling her
out of her trust fund, for making her believe her father
hated her when he died."
"Don't forget, Tendo, we *both* planned on taking that
inheritance of my son's - "
"He's not your son, remember? Your wife had an affair while
we were on mission."
"How do you know he's not mine??" Genma got up in his best
friend's face.
"Because you can't get your wife pregnant while you're on
mission, stupid! No wonder your son couldn't bed my daughter
- you kept him as stupid about sex as you are!"
"Your daughter is a bull-dyke - GWAAAAAAAKARGLEBARGLE!!!"
Soun tightened his chokehold on Genma's throat while the
bald man flapped his arms in balance, sending both tipping
backward and into a canal.
A large panda sprung out of the water, holding a screaming
Soun over his back. Genma-panda hit him with a sign spelling
out <Shut up, you!> then spun around to read <We're both
screwed on this.>
"You're right, you're right, Saotome," Soun crawled up and
sat on the panda's shoulders. "But what can we do?"
The two co-conspirators thought, Soun on the panda's
shoulders, the panda standing in the canal.
"I HAVE IT!" Soun cried. "We should *break them up*! We
might be able to save our billions yet!"
Soun saw it in his mind:
<AKANE, crying, leans on SOUN.>
<AKANE: Oh, father! I am so sorry I kicked you out! Please
come back and stay with us and I'll divorce Ranma, get a
huge settlement, and let you handle the money matters from
now on!>
Genma thought about it:
<RANMA, crying, leans on GENMA.>
<RANMA: Oh, how horrible! She never loved me! From now on,
I'll trust only you, my wise, kind, all-knowing *true*
father! And I'll even give you all the money!>
The panda nodded, both heading back to Nerima.