--
Jack and Jill Staik
(Yes, we know...)
http://home.earthlink.net/~jstaik1043/otaku.htm
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: owd16.txt
DISCLAIMER: Sorry for the delay, but we're struggling for
survival in the inhospitable wilderness of Eastern Florida,
living on raw alligator and swamp water.
-------------------
Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 16
by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
--------------------
Ranma awoke, feeling cheerful and happy. Since he took on
the Estate of Manhood by claiming his bride and his home,
he'd found that he didn't sleep in as much. In the past,
he'd looked upon sleep as a blessed escape from the pain of
life, but now his life was his, and he intended to enjoy it.
Speaking of enjoying life ...
He rolled over and kissed his wife on the cheek. "Good
morning, my love," he said, his hand gliding over her hip.
"And how is my Goddess of Love today?"
"Bloated. Cramping. And I look awful."
"Nonsense - you never looked lovelier." Then her words sank
in ...
Bloated.
Cramping.
Oh crap.
"Damn! I thought I marked it on the calendar!"
"What was that, Ranma?"
"Uh - why don't you just stay in bed, Akane-sama, and I'll
fetch you up some breakfast?"
Quickly jumping out of bed, he dashed downstairs. "Midol-
laced orange juice, that'll be first -"
And as he looked in the kitchen, he saw Kasumi pouring some
of the precious, life-saving Midol into her hand, keeping some
for herself and giving some to Ranko. Both were chomping on
chocolate bars ... at nine in the morning.
"Eep!" he commented. As he turned to dash away, he almost
ran into Nibiki, who was wearing her pajamas and a nasty
frown.
"Who used up all the tampons?" she snapped.
A second later, the front door was shattered by a screaming
Ranma dashing into the street.
* * * * * * * * * *
Lina flew over the district, noting in passing a large
statue made of tropical artifacts being pulled down with
ropes by an angry mob and some lunatic in a red shirt
screaming and running across the rooftops.
"Weird place," she muttered. "Figures that she'd hang out
here. Not a genteel, refined person like myself."
Lina made a graceful two-point landing on a street corner
and considered her options.
"I know the magic force came from around here. But without
another burst, how do I narrow it down?"
She snapped her fingers. "I know - I'll ask someone!"
She looked around and saw a merchant sweeping up near her
shop. "Excuse me! Has anything abnormal or unnatural
happened around here recently?"
The shopkeeper (whose shop was halfway between the Saotome
Dojo and the Nekohanten) fell on the ground and rolled
around, laughing hysterically.
Lina got slightly steamed and exploded the shop a bit,
which made the shopkeeper stop laughing.
"You want The Dojo," she said nervously. (In Nerima, all
dojos are mentioned by name except one, which is THE Dojo.
Guess which one. C'mon. Guess.)
Lina looked puzzled. "What's a 'dojo'?"
The shopkeeper was confused. "You know - a dojo. Where they
teach the Art?"
Lina suddenly comprehended. "Oh - a magic academy! That
makes sense. Which way?"
The shopkeeper was about to explain her misapprehension, but
decided against it - just get rid of the weirdo, and let the
Saotomes and Tendos handle it. "That way - big compound.
Can't miss it unless you carry an umbrella."
Lina was about to ask about that, but decided that it was
some weird local phrase and didn't bother.
"Thanks," Lina said, tossed a silver coin at the shopkeeper,
and shouted "RAYWING!"
Nothing happened.
Lina flapped her arms. "RAYWING!" she repeated.
More nothing happened.
Lina stewed for a moment, then pulled out a small notebook
from her back pocket. "Calendar ... Lessee, two days ...
then five more before that ... OH CRAP!"
"Anything the matter?" the shopkeeper asked.
"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" Lina yelled, then she stomped off,
mumbling to herself. "Can't come on gradually, no! It has to
hit suddenly, all at once. At least I packed the stuff I'll
need ..."
The shopkeeper sighed in relief as the crazy girl departed,
then took a good look at the remnants of her shop and
screamed.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranma raced into the Nekohanten, a look of desperation on
his face.
Ryoga looked bug-eyed as Ranma fell on his knees and begged,
"Ryoga! Pal! Brother! HIDE ME!"
Sasuke peaked out from behind Ranma. "Me, too."
Ranma almost jumped out of his skin. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU
GET THERE??"
"I
*am* a ninja," Sasuke said.
"What's the matter, Ranma?" Ryoga asked, worry in his voice.
"It's TIME! All of them! ALL AT ONCE!!" he howled in despair.
Ryoga looked confused.
Shampoo came out of the kitchen at the sound of the howl.
"What silliness men-folk up to?"
"All of them! All at once! Chocolate! Mood swings! THE HORROR!
AAAAGGGGHHHH!!"
Shampoo nodded in understanding. "[It's quite natural,
Ranma,]" she explained in Mandarin. "[When a group of women
have lived together a long time, their cycles begin to
synchronize. Since Ranko
*has* been living with the Tendos a
full year - in a way - it's natural that her cycle would
start to match up with the Tendo girls.]" She chuckled.
"[You should see the Amazon Villages around the full moon;
Men cowering in the underbrush, trembling in terror. Except
for the traveling salesmen selling chocolate and Midol.]"
"Cycle?" Ryoga asked.
Shampoo patted his cheek. "[I'll explain later, sweetheart.]"
"But why do
*you* need to hide?" Ryoga asked Sasuke.
"I grew up with four older sisters and I was married for
twenty years," the ninja explained. "
*And* I worked for
Kodachi Kuno! I know
*exactly* what's going on, and I'd
rather run away! Better a live mouse than a dead lion!"
Ranma moaned. "And I've lived in that house and shared a
body with Ranko for a year - I know what's going on even
better! Right now I'll bet they're all sitting around the
dining room table, gobbling chocolate, complaining about
cramps and water retention, and blaming any male who crosses
their path for existing! I NEED TO HIDE!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Akane, Ranko, Nabiki, and Kasumi sat around the dining room
table, looking annoyed. This was normally supposed to be
breakfast, but the moods of the four women demanded
something else - a Bitch Session.
"Why the hells is this still happening?" Ranko snarled,
stabbing at her chocolate-flavored breakfast cereal. "It's
the second day! This must be the longest Time in history!"
"It is your real First One," Kasumi said. "But it's usually
three or four days. At least you don't have these annoying
cramps."
The other two sisters grunted their agreement.
"I've gained almost half a kilo from water retention alone!"
Akane complained, twisting a spoon into a pretzel. "Ranma
thinks I'm bloated and hideous!"
"Did he say that?" Ranko asked.
"No, he said that I looked lovely - but he can't fool me!"
The other three nodded, grunting their agreement.
"Damn bastard," Nabiki snarled in a low voice, ignoring the
others. "Takes six times to get it right, and doesn't even
bother to call afterwards ... probably out stealing some
girl's underwear ... "
They desperately needed a victim to happen to.
Fate did not disappoint.
The four women watched with disgust as a familiar figure
in a red Chinese shirt and a braided pigtail entered the
dining room.
"Akane - I've decided to leave you and get a divorce," he
said, holding himself tall. "I'm going to devote my life to
getting drunk and sleeping with tramps. Don't worry - I'll
let you keep all of the money."
Akane shook her head. "Father, that is a pathetic disguise."
Nabiki hid her face in her hands. "Now I wish Ichiro had
been my father."
"Truly sad," Ranko commented.
Kasumi nodded in agreement. "You could have at least shaved
off your moustache."
Soun (in the Ranma suit) looked outraged. "I'd
*never* shave
off my moustache! And this is an
*excellent* disguise!" He
looked surprised for a second, then said, "I mean - I'm
Ranma."
A few moments later, the silence of the neighborhood was
broken by a high-pitched scream.
* * * * * * * * * *
Lina stomped along the street, complaining under her breath.
"Bad enough my magic cuts out, but do my feet have to swell,
too? Where is that damn magic academy, anyway?"
Then she heard it - a lyrical voice singing a cheery song.
Not just any cheery song, but a cheerful grape-stomping song
from her homeland, sung in her native language. A song she
hated with a passion, ever since she was a little girl and
slipped and fell in the vat and the other girls kept
stomping, dyeing her hair and skin deep purple for almost a
month.
>From out of a square building came a figure with blonde hair
in a daisy-print skirt.
"The color-spell can't fool me - it's HER!"
Lina remembered that Xellos had said that this counterpart
to herself was becoming unstable, that she might be
dangerous. And her own magic was temporarily unavailable.
So Lina decided to use subtlety.
Taking a huge mallet out, she ran up to the blonde, yelled
a mighty yell, and walloped her in the head.
* * * * * * * * * *
The mob of reporters besieging the Tendo Dojo the past few
days had shrunk somewhat (partially due to new scandals in
the Diet, and partially to utter fear of what might happen
to anyone else who tried to sneak in).
Hitori Dezaki of the 'Tokyo Intruder' (the expert on the
Nerima Desk) just relaxed and watched the younger crowd
work. He'd learned the hard way about getting too damn close
to that house, so he didn't try. After all, he knew he just
had to wait, and something tabloid-worthy would come along
any moment. (not to mention he had a good relationship with
the Saotome press flack, Nabiki Tendo - not as good as he'd
like, though.)
Sure enough, in a few minutes a badly-injured man in a
garbage bag was thrown over the wall. The photographers and
reporters ran up to get a picture, probably a quote (one
even had the silly idea of calling the police or an ambulance,
but he was new to the job), but they were beaten to the punch
as a giant panda ran up, grabbed him, and dashed away.
In their eagerness, some of the reporters gave chase, but
they accidentally ran into a small-breasted red-haired girl
in a outfit with huge shoulder-pads who was dragging a
trussed-up blonde girl behind her. The collision knocked the
redhead down and gave the blonde a chance to escape. This
caused the redhead to pull out a European-style short-sword
and try to hack the reporters up, all the while cussing in
some unknown language.
Hitori shook his head in despair. He knew better than to try
damn-fool things like chase people in Nerima (he tried that
covering his very first story - the Kodachi Kuno Sport
Sabotage Scandal - which resulted in his being tossed off
the roof of a four-story house; after that, he just observed
from a discreet distance).
Since the crowd had thinned, so he pulled out his bouquet of
daisies, marched up to the house, and rang the bell.
The young woman who tended the house - Kasumi, he recalled -
answered the door.
"May I help you?" she asked, an edge to her voice.
"Is Nabiki Tendo available?" he asked.
"Just a moment," she said.
As the door shut, Kasumi yelled out "NABIKI! YOUR PET
REPORTER IS HERE!"
"OH HELL!" Nabiki's voice rang out. "WHAT'S THE JERK WANT
NOW?!"
"HE HAS FLOWERS!" Kasumi replied. "I THINK HE'S GOING TO PUT
THE MOVES ON YOU!"
"NICE FLOWERS?"
"DAISIES! I THINK HE SWIPED THEM FROM THE CEMETERY!"
Hitori, being a tabloid reporter, was accused of that and
worse every day, so he just grit his teeth and bore it. But
he did feel that his chances with the fair Nabiki might not
be as good as he had hoped at this time.
Nabiki pulled the door open. "Couldn't swipe roses from one
of the nicer graves?" she snapped.
"No," he replied. "They were all mixed in with lilies. Besides,
I'm just asking you on a date, not trying to marry you."
"And why not?" she asked. "Just because I'm all bloated you
think I'm not good enough to marry?!"
"Please! We only just met!"
Akane barged out poking him in the chest with her finger,
shoving him backwards. "What kind of girl do you think my
sister is anyway, you - you MALE!"
Ranko did an end-run and got behind him, shoving at his back.
"Just like a guy! Romance a girl, get your naked romp, then
dump her without even calling when you run off to China!"
"China?" Hitori asked. "What's China have to do with
anything?"
"Don't change the subject!" Nabiki shouted. "You just
confessed that you were just trying to get into my pants!"
"WHAT!? I DIDN'T!!"
"Oh? Isn't my sister good enough for you?" Kasumi accused.
"You show up here with flowers and sweet lines, leading her
on, then decide that you'd rather have someone else?" She
turned her back on him. "Just like a high-school Home Ec
teacher!"
"Who mentioned someone else?" Hitori wailed in despair. "I
just wanted a date!"
"You jerk!" Akane yelled. "How dare you take advantage of
poor Nabiki like that?"
"Pervert!" Ranko added, whapping him on the head.
"HELP!!" he cried.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Meanwhile, at the Northern Shadow Port in China, not far
from the borders with Korea and Russia ...
Ono Tofu sighed in exasperation. "I know you arrange trips -
I have to get to the Amazon Village as quickly as possible!"
"No speak Japanese!" the harbor master said in a sing-song
tone.
"We're speaking Mandarin!" he snapped.
"How's a guy supposed to tell with your thick-as-grease
accent?" the harbor master commented. "Anyway, this is a
respectable, law-abiding port, no smuggling here, so get
back in your boat and go home!"
Tofu waved his hand in the air. "You want to help me."
The harbor master grinned and held up a charm hanging around
his neck. "Nice try, Obi-Wan. You ain't the first goob to
try that in the past three thousand years."
"Look, I'm desperate." he said, hauling out a big pile of
yen. "I'll pay double your normal rates!"
"Ha! You been following the currency exchanges lately? I
wouldn't use that stuff as spare tissues!"
Tofu brought out a stack of gold coins.
"Like hell! This is an honest shop! Besides, those things
all have serial numbers on them!"
Sighing, Tofu was about to give up. Then a notion struck him.
With a grin, he reached into his jacket and brought out a
videotape labeled 'Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace'.
The harbor master's eyes got wide. "I thought that wasn't out
yet!"
"Bootleg. From some friends in California."
He looked around, grabbed the tape, and put it in his coat.
"Okay, one first-class round-trip to Joketsuzouko - will you
want meals served?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Jiro Hibiki was headed for the abode of the lovely Kasumi
Tendo for congenial companionship (and perhaps some light
snuggling), but the sight of the man hanging from the front
gate (hogtied, in a pink taffeta dress and blonde wig, with
a placard reading 'Male Scum!' around his neck) made him
turn around and decide to go elsewhere.
Perhaps a Chinese lunch, he thought. After all, with his
half-brother about to marry the owner, he might be able to
swing a discount.
He arrived to find Ranma-chan doing the 'cute waitress' bit,
with Sasuke sweeping floors.
"If you're looking for family discounts, Jiro," Ranma-chan
said while delivering five orders simultaneously, "Forget
it! Shampoo runs a tight ship when she's engaged to someone
else!"
"We wouldn't have to do even this," Sasuke grumbled, "If a
certain gender-changing baka hadn't helped himself to the
stir-fry without even asking!"
"I hadn't had breakfast, okay?"
Jiro shook his head. "Pathetic." Then he got a grin on his
face. "Well, Oh Kawaii Waitress," he said, plopping down at
a table. "You can bring me a menu, and a kettle of Orange
Mandarin tea. And be quick about it - chop-chop!"
Ranma-chan aimed a blow for his head, but Shampoo rushed out
of the kitchen and got between them.
"Waitress is POLITE!" she scolded. "Waitress take order with
SMILE! And Waitress never forget that Waitress still owe two
hours service to pay for gluttony!" She smirked. "Unless
Waitress want to pay for ten orders of Cantonese stir-fry
Waitress gobbled up like vacuum?"
Ranma-chan growled. "I told you - I left my wallet at home!
You know I'm good for it!"
"Produce cash or get back to work!"
"I can't go home right now!"
She pouted. "Poor Ranma - afraid of woman's cycle."
"Damn straight!"
Jiro laughed harder. "Is that why you're running around in
that little ruffly pink skirt? You're afraid of falling victim
to the Tomboy's mastery of Martial Arts PMS?"
"It's all four of them!" Ranma-chan snapped.
Shampoo swatted her head. "POLITE!"
Ranma-chan smiled and continued in a sweet voice. "Whenever
this would happen in the past, Genma and I would go on missions
or training trips, usually with Soun. This time, it caught me
by surprise."
Jiro shook his head. "Little Brother, you are whipped."
Ranma-chan just snarled.
Shampoo hit Ranma-chan's head with a wooden bowl from across
the room. "You taking orders or just flirting?"
Ranma-chan rubbed her head as she handed him a menu. "She's
getting more like the Old Ghoul every day. Don't know how
Ryoga stands it." Looking over her shoulder, she called out
something in Chinese, then spun and caught the teapot and
cups on the lacquered tray and put them on Jiro's table.
"It's obvious," Jiro said, looking through the menu. "You and
him have the same problem. Living with all these females is
sapping your Vital Manly Essence. You've got to go out and
reassert your manhood." He frowned. "Lot of pork dishes. But
reasonably priced."
"New shipment," she said, pouring a cup of tea. "We're trying
to clear it out. And I don't see you rushing to Kasumi's side
to 'assert your manhood'."
"Hmmm..." Jiro said with exaggerated care. "Do I want this?
Or this? Or this? So many decisions - my head is swimming!"
"Oh, just order already, you reject from a kaijuu film!"
"MANAGER!" he yelled. "This waitress is being rude to me!"
Ranma-chan ducked the first bowl, but the second hit her.
"BE NICE OR SHAMPOO CALL RANMA'S WIFE!"
This got Ranma-chan a few stares, but Ranma-chan recovered
with a big smile. "May I recommend the shredded pork?"
Jiro sighed. "I can't stand to see my baby brother reduced
to this."
"Heck, she's got Ryoga scrubbing the garbage cans. Aside
from a few bottom-pinchers, this is a lot better."
Jiro looked up at his female brother with a large degree of
pity. Then a plan formed.
"Keep tonight's calendar open," he said. "You and Pig-Boy."
Ranma-chan looked suspicious. "Why?"
"Because, after you bring me my Wushu Pork, I am going to
plan for the two of you the Ultimate Male Experience,
guaranteed to restore your Vital Manly Essences and enhance
your manhood."
"The last time a guy offered me something like that, I was
twelve and he got arrested."
He hopped up on the table and struck a heroic pose, microphone
and all. "Have no fear, my girly baby brother, for I, Jiro
Hibiki, am going to - ick! - do something nice, and throw my
brothers A BACHELOR PARTY!"
Outside, Ryoga got chills up and down his spine for no reason.
* * * * * * * * * *
In the sewers beneath Nerima, a cute girl in a naughty pink
outfit (Akari Unryuu, in case you couldn't figure it out)
looked with maniacal glee upon the Doomsday Device.
"Soon, my precious Ryoga-sama, you will be mine once more!
I shall save you from the evil gaijin whore and restore you
to my sweet embrace!" She giggled cutely. "After, of course,
I teach you a lesson about why naughty piggies shouldn't
stray outside of the pen!"
The ninja pig servants cringed before her mad cackling.