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I originally released this a few months back, inspired by a the trickle of
I originally planned to WRITE tonight, but my muse had other ideas. :)
Feedback, C&C, and other goodies are more than welcome and are
appreciated.
Ah, good. Well, here you go, then. ;)
BTW - I know _nothing_ about Guyver, unless you count seeing one movie,
one time, a long while ago (a live-action movie; I'm not sure if there're
animated ones or not...). So, expect some, ah, confusion... :)
One hour from now, another species of life form will disappear off
the face of the planet...
Forever...
And the rate is accellerating...
Megadeth -- Countdown To Extinction
Ominous. Very ominous. :)
(btw - sp: accellerating -> accelerating)
============================================
Alkanphel surveyed the devastation around what was once Mount
Minakami, the flaming ruins of the Iseki lying beneath his feet. The First
One smiled, a sight not for the faint of heart, and his laugh echoed
throughout the vast forest that surrounded the artificial mountain that
once
served as the seat of power in Kronos, Japan.
"Lord?"
Alkanphel turned to gaze upon his remaining ten Zoalords, the
traitor Gyro having met an appropriate end. One of them held the dying
form
of Masaki Murakami, the prototype for Gyro's Zoalord form, against his
chitinous chest.
"Your orders?" asked another.
"Halmical, come forward."
"Yes, lord?"
"You have served me well over the centuries. I hereby place you in
command of all Kronos operations in light of former commander Gyro's
betrayal."
"Thank you, my lord!" Balcus bowed deeply, joy evident in his
mixed
voice.
"First, you shall take this Murakami and complete the process of
adjustment. He shall become the twelfth Zoalord and sit at my left hand."
Alkanphel saw Balcus nod, knowing that the latter had understood his
unspoken explanation.
"And then?"
"The time has come," he said to all present. He felt the immense
joy
from each Zoalord warm his telepathic receptors, the sensation spreading
through him as well. "We have waited long enough!
"It is time for Kronos to reveal itself, and for mankind to know
his
true masters!
"My children... X-Day has come!"
Their shouts of joy threatened to rend the heavens, daggers of
fear
stabbing through the hearts of the five fugitives desperately making their
escape far below...
Five fugitives?
What five fugitives?
You'll probably do better to clue us in a bit, with a new scene between
this one and the next, perhaps, or a scene prior to this one.
==============================================
Washington, D.C.
United States of America
"Mr. President!"
He awoke at the urgent shout, faintly annoyed at the Secret
Service
agent standing over his bed. Peter Duncan's bleary eyes fixed on the
stern,
Might work better to say:
Peter Duncan woke at the urgent shout, faintly ...
and then use 'he' for the next sentence.
[snip scene]
Okay, you've got some nifty stuff going on, here. But I have ta tell
ya, the code-words were a little annoying... possibly because they are so
... um, odd?
I mean, SANDALWOOD? (and if it's a RL something that you're using, then
I guess I'll be wearing some eggs... :)
I dunno, I imagine the gov't is whacked enough to come up with stuff
like that, but I'd find it easier to accept if they were something a bit
cooler. Y'know? ;)
Come up with a nifty acronym, or something...
Off the top of my head -
SEPIA (Supernatural Engagement and Preternatural Investigation Agency)
Or, at least, use something that COULD be an acronym.
Maybe it's just me... :)
=================================================
Province of Nekonlon
People's Republic of China
They came charging through the mists generated by the myraid
geysers
sp: myraid -> myriad
[snip]
Their only exit was blocked by no less than six of those demons.
There was no choice, they had to go through.
"I shall draw their attention," Cologne whispered into her ear.
"Take Mousse and run."
"Shampoo no leave without..."
"Do it!"
Shampoo kept the hurt from her gaze as she returned her attention
to
the demons. She clamped down on her fears, but she still felt them lurking
in the back of her mind. Cologne would be fine, she said silently. She
could
take care of herself.
"Go ahead," another monster rumbled. "Distract us." Several of its
comrades chuckled, and Shampoo wanted to choke them with their own humor.
*blink* That'd be a neat trick, if she could do it. :)
Without warning, a sphere of dark power burst through the now
merrily burning roof. Shampoo's eyes could barely make it out as the ball
slammed into the lead monster.
It barely had time to scream as the orb hit with murderous force,
leaving a showering fountain of gore where the top half of its body once
was. Time seemed to slow as both human and creature gawked at the mangled
demon. Shampoo scarcely heard the thump as one of its arms hit the floor a
short distance away.
Oooh... gruesome. Effective weapon. I like! ;)
[snip]
The carnage ended, their armored ally panting slightly amongst the
reamains of the Nekohanten and the demons. Blood ran down his body in
sp: reamains -> remains
[snip]
"Jeez, they're *everywhere*!"
Ranma Saotome gritted his teeth as another wave of oni smashed
through the ruined walls of the Tendo Dojo. Mad howls of inhuman joy
shattered the air while monster after monster rushed their fragile
position.
A battle cry erupted from his throat as he launched another blast
of
ki toward the charging horde. The blast managed to tag one, an enormous
bat-thing with thick purple fur, as the others dodged clear. Ranma cursed
to himself, the damn things were getting faster all the time.
This last sentence needs some work. Maybe:
Ranma cursed to himself. The damn things were getting faster all the
time.
or
The damn things are getting faster all the time! Ranma cursed to
himself.
(personally, I prefer the last one)
Ranma spared a quick glance over to Akane, still clad in her
yellow
pajamas. The material clung to her skin, held in place by the sweat that
coated her skin and hair. The girl's face was set in a mask of
determination, eyes radiating unbridled fury.
Yikes. Akane in full I'm Pissed mode. Eep. :)
No matter what, he told himself, I ain't gonna let nothin' happen
to
her.
Akane Tendo breathed in deep, panting gasps. Her muscles were on
fire from the exertion of battle, adrenaline singing in her veins and
setting her nerves to tingling.
She ignored the blood seeping from her ruptured knuckles, the ache
deep in her bones. She was a martial artist, damnit, and she had been hurt
Nitpick Alert!
Technically, 'damnit' should be two words... but I usually see it
spelled 'dammit' in most fiction. I don't think it really matters, but...
hey, I'm in a weird mood. :)
worse than this!
Akane clamped down hard on the sudden surge of terror at the
renewed
Suggest: Akane clamped down hard on the sudden surge of terror that came
at the renewed ...
assault of the monsters and the nagging voice that insisted that she would
soon be hurt a lot worse than this. Worse than she had ever been.
At least Kasumi and Nabiki were safely behind them.
[cue Jaws music]
Tofu Ono steeled his nerves and readied his fists. It had been
awhile since he had to engage in hand to hand combat without the aid of
shiatsu pressure points. The demons seemed immune to them, forcing him to
resort to techniques he didn't learn in medical school.
Though he would never admit it, he had missed the thrill of
combat.
He only wished he could have felt it again under less dire circumstances.
They neared the smashed outer wall of the house, and stopped cold.
Their fierce eyes glared at the assembled fighters, mutated muscle and
sinew
bulging behind taut flesh. Tofu narrowed his eyes, shifting his gaze from
one to the other. What were they doing?
As if on cue, the wall behind them vanished with the sound of
dissolving plaster and wood.
Ranma spun about, eyes wide as the wall was reduced to a puddle of
greenish slime. He had a feeling that this was what the demons had been
waiting for.
He didn't have time to react as a pair of gigantic hands loomed
from
the darkness, red-tipped claws gleaming evilly in the light of day as they
lunged forward.
Kasumi! Nabiki! They were in the way! Ranma's blood turned to ice
as
the hands wrapped around the defenseless pair he and the others had been
fighting to protect.
"LET THEM GO!" Akane shouted as her sisters were easily hoisted in
the air.
"Don't think so," the voice from behind the shadows grumbled as it
stepped out.
Y'know, I think I kinda like these baddies. I mean, yeah, they're Evil,
and Not Nice, and Fugly As Sin, but hey - they got good lines. :)
Ranma felt his breath catch in his throat at the sight. It was
enormous, by far larger than any of the other monsters. White fur coated
its
suggest: ... by far larger ... -> ... larger by far ...
ungainly body, save for spots of black armor plates. Four long, wicked
looking tentacles extended from dark lumps of flesh on its back, ending in
white-trimmed pincers. Its neck stretched from its shoulders out like a
snake, bulbous red eyes sat on each side of its insectoid face. Green
drool
formed around the mandibles of what may have been its mouth as it neared.
Kinda sounds like some critters from Spawn...
[snip]
"Those two are the ones Doctor Balcus wants alive," it replied.
There was little doubt as to whom it was referring.
They want us alive? Akane thought with a start. Me an Ranma? Then
typo: an -> and
what about...
Oh, no. Please, God, NO!
"Kill the other ones here."
"NO!" For a brief moment, she couldn't believe such an enraged
roar
could come from her throat.
Shook the pillars of Heaven...
(sorry, been watching too much Big Trouble In Little China recently...
:)
[snip]
Enzyme took a wild swing which Guyver Three easily leapt clear
from.
Now or never!
"THREE! MOKO TAKABISHA LEVEL TWO!"
"SHI SHI HOKODAN!"
Um... ow?
[snip]
"Okinawa. Kyoto. Kansai. They are *everywhere*." Agito allowed the
silence to stretch between him and the others as the revelation sank in.
It
was now time to reel them in. Time was of the essence.
"Other countries," Nabiki countered. "They'll be sending help!"
"No, they won't."
"Why?"
"Mrs. Saotome, when I said they were everywhere, I didn't mean
just
in Japan."
Whups! Continuity error! Aah-oooh-ga!
:)
So, um... when did Nabsie marry Genma? ;)
[snip]
Agito could see the struggle Ranma was having with himself. He
began
charging the megasmasher to full, hoping that it would not leave him
completely helpless afterward. If they didn't decide soon, he would
disintegrete them and leave. Dead or alive, his goal was to keep them
*out*
of Halmical Balcus' hands. God only knew what abominations he would create
with them.
Um... ouch? Like, harsh, man...
[snip]
"What rough beast, its hour come 'round at last, slouches toward
Bethlehem to be born?" he muttered. What rough beast, indeed?
Okay, so Duncan is Tatewaki Kuno in disguise, I take it? ;)
(speaking of which... is our Shakespeare-spouting friend gonna make an
appearance, or was he butchered already?)
=====================================
I'd like to take a moment to thank those who offered their
assistance. I appreciate it!
This fic was written to the songs:
Awake -- by Godsmack
Civil War -- by Guns N Roses
Anthem for the Year 2000 -- by Silverchair.
Well, damn. I have to say this is some of the best writing I've seen
from you yet, quality-wise. And I don't mean in the lack of spelling errors
and such; I mean the sophistication of the writing. Very good work.
Plot-wise... well, I really can't say much. The set-up is good, and the
action is very cool, but not much actually _happens_, if you follow me. Not
to say that I don't like it; it hooked me, at least. But it could do with a
bit more. And by all indications, it'll show up in chapter two... so I'll
shut up now and wait for the next release. :)
Good job on this. :)
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org