Eric Hallstrom <hallcon@mindspring.com> wrote:
Please C&C or I Flit-chan will be sad.
You wouldn't make Flit-chan sad, would you?
No comment. :)
Strike that; one comment: It was your C&C of someone else's fic that motivated
me to do this, and not any sort of concern for Flitsy's emotional well-being.
^_^
But, as mentioned, all of the girls have _something_ in their makeup
that makes them unsuitable, or at least brings difficulty. After all,
it wouldn't be much of a story if the right choice was _really_
obvious.
Shampoo, for instance. She has a couple of problems, but they really
all boil down to one major one, and, unfortunately, it's a doozy. She
is, you see, a gaijin. And she even keeps the accent, just to make sure
you get the point.
Frankly, I didn't much care for the long author's introduction here. IMO, a
story should speak for itself as much as possible, so that the readers can read
with an unbiased eye and form their own opinions before hearing the writer's
view of it. Pre-story notes should, IMO, be limited to what a prospective reader
might need when deciding whether to read the story, e.g. what manga/anime/other
fanfic knowledge will be assumed, what spoilers are present, etc.
Your story, needless to say, so do as you think best; but I'd suggest either:
(1) just dropping these notes and making the points inside the story,
(2) moving them to the end of the fic, or
(3) making them into a sort of framing story -- perhaps a dialog between a
couple of extra-dimensional observers who are studying various alternative Ranma
futures. That way you could add some sort of conflict to this part and it would
be part of the story rather than just the author talking to the reader.
'Fighting on a *dodge, slide back* log! Again!'
'What the Hell *block high, feint low* am I doing fighting these
Warriors, anyway?'
You might want to take the action descriptions outside the quoted thoughts.
(After all, isn't the whole point of explicitly quoted thoughts to separate them
from everything else?)
"An opening!" Xian Pu ducked beneath a staff-blow that swung perhaps
That's not her name. The Chinese characters shown in the original series for her
name read "Shan Pu."
half-an-inch too far, foot swept the older woman, and slammed both
"Half an inch" probably shouldn't be hyphenated. Footswept should probably
either be hyphenated or just one word, but I'm not sure about this one.
Breathing deeply, she stood erect, making the formal gesture of triumph
Need a period after "triumph"...
, "Bi Da has fallen to my skill. I am the victor by the Law. Do any
... and take out the spurious comma.
dispute?"
WOMAN: Well, the Supreme Court has just ruled that you....
SHAMPS: Stop that! No election jokes here!
C&CER: Sorry.
A formal cheer was her reply, the massed Warriors to tense to do more.
too tense (I think you meant)
Xian Pu's voice hardened as she assumed the formal posture of Mastery,
one bonbori held across her body at the waist, the other straight down
at her side. "All the _female_ Warriors. I also call you to witness
that my husband, the Warrior Ran Ma, has conquered all the Warriors
If this is a Chinese version of Ranma's name, it should probably be Luan Ma;
Ranma was referred to as such in an Amazon newspaper in the Pink and Link story.
There was a subdued "Ahhh." from the assembled spectators.
Don't think you need the period after "Ahhh".
"Therefor, I call you all to witness _by the Law_, that the Warrior
"Therefore,
Again her voice cracked whip-like across the Dueling Grounds as she
glared at the table where the Matriarchs sat watching. "Do any dispute
these things?"
Given that there's more than one, you might want to use a different word from
"Matriarch," which (to me, at least) implies a singular ruler. Four queens might
be good in poker, but it doesn't really work in government. :)
In marked contrast to Xian Pu's, the voice of the Matriarch Bo Kei was
scratchy and querulous, "Foolishness! Xian Pu, you are far too
querulous.
(The verb "was" doesn't take the line of dialog as its object, so it's a
separate sentence.)
Even then she knew that Ranma could not be _forced_, but he could be
... _persuaded_. And _persuading_ him to come back to Josoketzuku would
be much better for everybody, she was sure. Airen didn't see it that
way, of course, but then males were foolish creatures. Just look at
Mousse. That was what the Goddesses had created Women for, to look out
for them.
RANMA: So women were created just for the benefit of men? Is that what you're
saying here?
KUNO: At last! What a perfect theology!
Memories of assaults by tattooed Yakuza with knives and of gallant,
foolish Mu Tse, dying in the process of shielding her from a drive-by
Again, the characters in the manga read Mu Si (though you might just use
"Mousse" here since you're using "Shampoo" for the flashback scenes)
Memories of love and tears, and the first time Ranma had said, to her,
"I Love you", and of the two hours she had wept because of it.
No reason to capitalize "love" here.
Memories of the quiet letters and of the shadow war that her blood-
sisters waged with money and quiet words back in Japan, far beyond her
protection, while she sat -no, _vegetated_ - here in the safety of the
Suggest: sat -- no, _vegetated_ -- here
(The single dash looks too much like a hyphen, IMO)
village and all that she _could_ do, all _anyone_ could do had been
done, and these ... these ... withered, dried up old harridans of she-
vultures sired on a dead camel by a syphilitic _hyena_ _dared_ ...
she-vultures (take out the space)
Stalking up to the Matriarch's Table, Xian Pu leveled a bonbori at Bo
Matriarchs'
Kei, her aura shattering the two thousand year old table into dust. Bo
Kei hopped backwards on her staff and the Matriarch Dao Wel actually
Suggest "Dao Wale" (there's no syllable "Wel" in Chinese)
Bo Kei's mouth flapped up and down like a stringless puppet. Koh Lon
Ke Lun (again, the Chinese characters for her name are explicitly given in the
original series)
grinned evilly, which would have put the fear of the Jade Emperor into
_some-body_ if only anyone had been watching her. Finally Bo Kei found
_somebody_
"Old woman, be still." The new voice was sibilant and deadly, Xian Pu
deadly. Shan Pu (run-on sentence)
turned half around to see a group of warriors approaching led by the
assassin Spi Tse.
Suggest: "Si Pisi"
Again, there's no syllable "spi," and "tse" is in a different Romanization than
"xian." For future reference, you might want to look at http://zhongwen.com,
which has a list of all the syllables in Mandarin. I'm not sure whether you care
or not, but for a reader who knows some Chinese, seeing these names is a little
like seeing Latino characters named "Manual" or "Hwan."
Xian Pu tried to prepare for anything. Spi Tse was a small, blue haired
Personal peeve here, and it *is* an anime convention, so you probably shouldn't
care, but I have trouble taking a person with blue hair in stride just as if
you'd described a man with a moustache.
>From somewhere in her cheongsam, Spi Tse pulled a drinking cup made of
aged, pale wood and ivory, chased with gold. Xian Pu gasped,
recognizing it as Spi Tse roared out, "I call upon the Tribe to witness
the Ritual prescribed by the Law. I as a Ranked Warrior of the Strong
Woman Hero Tribe, and these my sister Warriors do hereby mix our blood
with the blood of our sister, the Warrior Xian Pu, and our _brother_,
the _Warrior_ Ran Ma. So we swear upon the Stirrup-Cup of Hyppolyta!"
SHAMPS: Hyppolyta's cup? I didn't know she wore one!
SPICE: Indeed she did. And the blood in it came from--
SHAMPS: Thank you, but that much I can figure out.
The knife passed around a quickly formed circle, "... the Warrior Tao
Wel ..."
Suggest: Tao Wale
"... the Warrior Tsu Ga ..."
Suggest: Shu Ga
"... the Warrior Gar Lan ..."
Suggest: Ga Lan
"... the Warrior Ar O Ma ..."
Suggest: A Rouma
"... the Warrior Wa Tei ..."
Suggest: Wa Te, or Wa Tu
"... the Warrior Tsen Te ..."
Suggest: Cen Te
"... the Warrior Kor Tsaj ..."
Suggest: Kou Cazhi
"... the Warrior Per Fu Me ..."
Suggest: Pa Fume
Ranma grinned evilly and said, "As my sisters blood flows in my heart,
sisters'
"You know," Ranma's blue eyes twinkled, "that's a good suggestion. I
"You know," Ranma said, his blue eyes twinkling, "that's
(As written, "Ranma's blue eyes twinkled" would have to be a separate sentence
from the dialog.)
Xian Pu almost shrieked as Ranma grabbed her with both hands and gave
her a deep, searching kiss. Stunned she looked up into the wide blue
eyes of the red-haired girl who was her husband. "My hero," Ranma said,
lovingly, "Wo de, Airen. Wo ai ni!"
No comma after "Wo de"
The sudden blast of love and lust almost knocked Xian Pu down, and she
quaked against the need to start ripping at Ranma's clothes there in
the middle of the square. Then, beyond her husband's shoulders she saw
her cousin So Pu, exiting Xian Pu and Ranma's hut with a wink, carrying
Suggest: Sou Pu
Overall, a nice job conveying the atmosphere of a certain view of the Amazons.
However, I think a lot of gaps were there that could have been filled in. I
didn't really get a feeling for why Spicy all of the sudden decided to go
against the elders and recognize Ranma's victory, nor was it clear to me why
Ranma was going along with the whole thing.
That's my rather long-winded two yen on this; hope it was in some way helpful.
Gary