charset="iso-8859-1"
X-archive-position: 17473
X-listar-version: Listar v0.128a
Sender: ffml-bounce@fanfic.com
Errors-To: ffml-bounce@fanfic.com
X-original-sender: bert.miller@unisys.com
Precedence: bulk
X-list: ffml
[The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set]
[Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set]
[Some characters may be displayed incorrectly]
Congrats! This "scene" is EXTREMELY effective. And, it
works very well as a standalone story.
Nodoka slowly rocked her child in her arms while her mind
attempted to process the horrors of the last 12 hours. Looking down
at Ranma, her only child who had just now managed to fall asleep in
the security of his mother's arms, Nodoka finally allowed the tears
and later the soft crying escape her...
...because no child, whatever their age, should ever utter such
a terrible prayer...
THAT'S for sure. :(
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She had answered the door that morning thinking that it was her
Don't think you need the "had"; ordinary past tense is okay.
neighbor wanting company on her usual Sunday shopping.
An event which she had grown to anticipate in her lonely life.
Sentence fragment.
Pushing herself into speech she replied, "Yes. How can I help
you Officers?"
you, Officers?"
Due to traffic the ride was long, which she tried to
ignore while talking with the officers.
I think this would be more effective if broken into two sentences at
the comma.
And was confronted by the site of her son. His gaunt face and
"sight", not "site".
form a screaming contradiction with the memory in her mind. Bandages
covered a large majority of his body and multiple IV drips
were hooked
up to him, almost concealing the large white straps that held him
rigid to the bed. The dark shadows of his face spoke volumes of the
rest he obviously had not been getting, and his eyes...
This last sentence was very effective, for me. Should probably be
"spoke volumes about", though. Sleep deprivation in another is
very unsettling...
At that point she collapsed, the nurse conveniently standing
behind her catching her on her way down to the floor. Covering her
face with her hands, she shook her head in rejection of the site in
"sight" again
front of her. Denying the evidence so clearly displayed.
"front of her, denying..." The fragment starting with "Denying" is
not a sentence.
"Mrs. Saotome? Is this your son Saotome Ranma?"
Moving her gaze back to the bed she finally managed to choke out
a quiet "Yes. Yes, this is my son."
Slight verisimilitude issue: she hasn't seen him for four years, and
Ranma is now six (I take it). How did she recognize him so quickly?
Since you need her to, I'd recommend adding a sentence to set your
reader up to accept this: something like "Nodoka scrutinized the
boy's face, mentally tracing those all-too-familiar features: the
nose, from her father; the eyes, from Genma's family."
For several moments nothing happened, but finally the boy's head
turned and he looked directly at her. Caressing him face gently she
"his", not "him"
said, "That's right, I'm here. It's me. It's Mom..." but stopped
from saying more as her voice broke.
This paragraph confused me a bit. I think what's missing is Ranma
asking "Mom?" as a standalone paragraph just before. I keep reading
Nodoka's line as coming from Ranma, since the preceding speed was
Nodoka asking Ranma a question.
She was half-asleep herself when Ranma woke up screaming.
Very nice; the more effective for being in a paragraph by itself.
Right then a nurse and four orderlies ran into the room, only to
find the sight before them. Nodoka turned to face them and said,
"Everything's fine, we're both fine."
Suggest Nodoka be crying here.
Moments later, Ranma's tiny voice spoke. "Mom, I'm tired. I'm
really tired."
"Then go back to sleep. I'll hold you; you're safe now. Go
back to sleep, and when you wake up, I'll still be here. I promise."
The boy shifted a little bit before settling in. Just when she
thought he'd already fallen asleep, however, she heard him speak.
"And now I lay me down to sleep..."
Nodoka almost laughed. Memories of teaching Ranma that silly
night prayer because of his fear of the dark momentarily flashed
through her mind.
"I give to Cat my soul to keep..."
And suddenly the smile on her face vanished. This wasn't the-
"And should I dream before I wake..."
...
"I pray to Cat that death me take."
Ewww! How in the world did you ever think of that prayer? That's
horrible!
An EXTREMELY effective sketch, and, as I said, it works as a
standalone story (ONLY because you set up some suspense in your
introductory paragraph, I think).