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Jeremy Evans wrote:
Part 1: The players take the stage
AZUSA: This stage is MINE! Claudette! Claudette!
Chapter 1 - First Impressions
When dad got back from China he was feeling pretty low so
Dad (capitalize when used as a name)
low, so
Grandpa decided to cheer him up with a fianc�. Grandpa
fiancee
(Two "e"s when you're talking about a female; and please don't use non-ascii
accent characters, as they're not standard across platforms.)
Never was any good at understanding people. Grandma went
never (no reason to capitzlize this)
along to smooth things over with the Tendos and to
Make sure the girls were worthy of her son. Grandma
make (same here)
Used to have some crazy ideas about manliness but
used (and here)
She kind of let it slide with Dad because of the burden
she (and here)
He bore. She did at least expect him to give the
he (and here)
engagement a try. Interestingly they didn't tell
Interestingly, they
him about until they were on the way to the Tendo home.
about it until
I guess even grandma has her brain farts.
NODOKA: It's not polite to mention farts in public, dear.
Mr. Tendo did the same thing. I later asked his
daughters how they reacted. All told they took
told, they
It pretty well...
it
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEVER
MEET HIM!!!!"
met (unless Shampoo is a Tendo daughter in this AltUniv)
IMO, four exclamation points and all caps is going overboard with the emphasis.
If you want to impress us with how loud the shout is, a better way is to
describe in words how loud it is.
Soun shrunk back from his youngest. The
News she'd be sharing mastery of the dojo
news
With another hadn't gone quite as well as
with
He'd hoped, the fact he hadn't meet Ranma
he'd hoped; the
Had made things worse."
had
"She has a point daddy." Nabiki began "Besides I'm sure
point, Daddy," Nabiki began. "Besides, I'm
we'd all feel better about this if you'd meet this boy
met
before." Kasumi nodded slowly in agreement.
Soun laughed nervously "Well, I'm sure he'll
nervously. (missing a period)
Be fine, he is the son of a dear friend of mine after
be fine. He
All."
all."
"Great another stupid BOY to deal with." The youngest
"Great, another
with," the
Tendo said under her breath.
Nabiki looked like she was about to say more when
Someone knocked on the door.
someone
The accidental rhyme (more, door) here makes the sentence awkward. You might
want to change the wording.
"That must be them now." With a smile on his face
and a spring in his step Soun Tendo sprang from
step, Soun
his seat.
A few moments later the sound of a door opening could
Be heard. Followed by a few muffled voices then by
be heard, followed
or
be heard. It was followed
the Sound of Soun Screaming and a body hitting the floor.
sound of Soun screaming
The Tendo daughters looked at one another before moving
To find out what happened.
to
At this point, I'm presuming Ranma's curse is something different than it is in
the manga. If he still has the same old gender-changing curse, there's no reason
for this extreme a reaction.
Water has an interesting way of finding my father at the most
Inopportune times. This was one them. Fortunately Grandma
innoportune
Fortunately, Grandma
Was able to settle everyone down and explain the situation.
was
After which Akane Challenged dad to a match. Dad was surprised,
Afterwards, Akane
(If you want to keep the "after which," combine this sentence with the previous
one.)
He'd figured most of Japan would know who and what he
surprised; he
or
surprised. He
Was by then. The truth was few did. The cover up had gone
was
Quite well. Seems they'd gotten a U.S. official to consult
quite
them on such matters. He really wasn't interested in fighting,
but Grandpa insisted so he consented. So after a little hot water
dad was ready to go.
Dad
Now to understand how good a fighter my father is, you
Should know that he trained against guys like Akira
should
For fun. Fighting people who can lift 3 tons and move
for
At over 800 mph has a tendency to force someone to improve
at
or fall hard. Dad improved.
Showing a scene where Ranma exibits his power would IMO be a better way to
establish it than having your narrator tell us about it.
****
Soun and the assembled families watched as the Akane took
A normal Karate stance while Ranma simply stood with
a
His arms behind his back and waited.
his
This is really annoying. Is it some setting in your word processor that keeps
capitalizing the beginning of lines?
Akane charged in with a right cross. Intending to fallow up
cross, intending to follow
with a snap kick to the groin. It was an obvious male weakness
after all. Besides if he wasn't smart enough to protect it he
shouldn't be a martial artist.
I hope there's something in your AltUniv premise to explain why Akane fights
dirty here.
With the same lazy yet lightening fast movement as before Ranma
lightning-fast ("lightening" is the process of becoming less dark)
Akane fumed. How dare he give her tips like she was a
beginner! she was Akane Tendo, Heir to the Tendo school
She
of anything goes Martial Arts! She didn't need this...
this..BOYS help.
this... BOY'S
"I can get up on my own!" She snapped.
she
Tendo nodded "Very good Ranma." He looked to Akane "I'd
nodded. "Very good,
Akane. "I'd
Say he's proven himself a Martial Artist, right Akane?"
say
right, Akane?"
Akane mumbled something as she got up that sounded
Like 'Right'
like "Right."
Soun smiled "Well then I guess all that's left is to
smiled.
choose one of my daughters."
Ranma shook his hand up "I think we need to talk about
up.
that. There's something else you should know about me
before then."
RANMA: I've got a terminal, highly communicable social disease. That's not a
problem, is it?
Soun was of course puzzled and looked to Genma, who looked
to his wife. Turning back Genma nodded "Yes old friend there
"Yes, old friend, there
is something else."
Not liking the sound of that one bit. Soun ushered everyone
bit, Soun
Once everyone was seated Ranma raised his right, which was
Encircled by a silver bracelet. Nabiki gasped.
encircled
"You're a special!" Once said the others in the family
reacted as well. Akane Vocally.
AKANE: Darn! A special! If I'd beaten you, I'd have gotten a free game!
"Ah HA!" She stood up shoving an accusing finger in his
up, shoving
Face "You cheated! You probably read my mind or are inhumanly
face.
fast."
Ranma actually became indignant "My powers do not work like
indignant.
that. And if they did I would not use them in an duel."
Akane sat down and snorted "Yeah right! First you change
snorted.
into a girl. And you probably spend hours in front of a
mirror with that. Now you can read minds. Probably force
girls to your lust, pervert!"
In the manga, Akane called Ranma a pervert because she found him in her bathroom
naked when she was expecting a girl. What possible reason could this version
have for it?
Now Ranma was appalled "That is WAY out of line! You just met me
appalled.
and are ready to condemn me like that!! You have no right!!!"
"Listen here pervert, if you think you can trick me..."
here,
The sound of someone clearing their throat forestalled
clearing her throat (don't use "their" when you mean only one person)
further argument. All eyes turned to Nodoka. Who gave
Nodoka, who
"Now what my son is about to say
Does not leave this room. Understood."
does
The three girls nodded, Nabiki reluctantly.
She turned to Ranma "Go on son."
Ranma. "Go on, Son."
He smiled "Thanks mom." He turned to the Tendos "The power
smiled. "Thanks, Mom."
Tendos.
That was originally in my file was levitation. I can
that
levitate my self and whatever I'm in contact with about
myself
20 ft. off the ground. However not everything I can do
twenty feet off
(Don't use numerals or abbreviations in prose writing; they get in the way of
the reader trying to parse it.)
is in my file."
RANMA: I can juggle. I'm also good at tapdancing, and I'm learning the
accordion!
Nabiki paled as certain pieces fell into place. "Your
"You're
("Your X" means "the X belonging to you," not "you are.")
him. The one that killed Akira Kimoto with a single touch!"
Kasumi glanced from her sister to Ranma "Is that true?"
Ranma.
Ranma nodded slowly "Unlike the rest, my abilities stem
slowly.
from a control from the force that created us specials.
Through that I bring silence. None of the other specials
through
Have a clue as to what I could do before Akira. Now they
had a clue (no caps, and past tense)
know. Some may come after me knowing, correctly,
that I can and will take them down if they become a
threat humanity at large."
threat to humanity
Kasumi was white as sheet, while Nabiki was bringing
as a sheet
Herself under control. Akane looked disgusted, while
herself
Here Soun spoke up "Son, their will never be a better time.
Here, Soun spoke up.
There are already 3000 specials worldwide. As long as they
three thousand
exist you will be in some danger. This whole world could
one day be in danger because of a special. I would feel better
knowing a daughter of mine is married to a man who could save
her from one of those people if necessary."(1)
Please lose the footnote; direct author explanations should be avoided,
especially when they're no more than gratuitous digs at a character.
Ranma & Nodoka blinked in surprise. Not having expected him
Ranma and Nodoka
surprise, not
To take that attitude. Genma however smiled heartily and slapped
to
Genma, however,
his friend on the back. "Well Said Tendo! Well Said!"
"Well said, Tendo! Well said!"
Ranma looked at his mother who shrugged and then to the
Tendo girls. "Well what do you think?"
"Well, what
Kausmi's gaze rested on him for a long moment. He seemed
like a nice young man. Very responsible if he was willing
to carry out such a task at such a young age. The clincher
was his eyes. They seemed so hopeful. Like he needed
a few friend. She could guess why he felt that way.
friends. ("few" is plural)
She smiled warmly "I am curious about what it's like
warmly.
To be a special and it would be nice to have you and
to
your family over if nothing else. We get so few visitors
These days."
these
Kasumi was rewarded with a bright smile from the young
Saotome.
Nabiki took a far more calculating look. Secrets she couldn't revel,
reveal,
Minus. Potential to bring trouble minus. Might be convinced to
minus.
trouble, minus.
Start teaching a the Dojo big plus. Good Material for a book
start
dojo, big
material
Deal when this was over one-way or another, big Plus. Chance
deal
plus.
To have a handsome man on her arm for the world to see, major
to
Plus. Chance at friendship...undetermined.
Nabiki decided to take a chance "I'm not saying I'll marry him
chance.
but I'm willing to give it a try." If he did teach at the dojo maybe
she wouldn't have to pull anymore petty blackmails for a bit.
any more
It was getting hard to make money that way as people eventually
Wised up to her ploys. It was not like she was bothered by it morally
wised
Or anything.
or
She too was rewarded with a smile
Akane Stared at the man who beat her. He turned into a girl. He could
stared
Float in the air, which she was sure he'd somehow used to cheat.
float
And could kill with a touch. No Way.
way.
"I am not marrying some FREAK daddy! Who knows what he might
freak, Daddy!
Soun frowned "I apologize for my daughters behavior. I think
frowned.
daughter's
she's having a tough time at school. Anyway, as I understand
SOUN: I think the writer is getting her OOC. I'll talk to him about it.
your moving into the area?"
Nodoka spoke "Yes, I understand you wanted to reopen the Dojo
spoke.
so we decided to move here to make it easier for Genma and
Ranma to assist you."
Soun rubbed his chin "Wonderful! Now we'll let you kids get
chin.
to know each other. Ranma why don't you come by in the
morning and Nabiki can show you where the school is."
Gonna stop here. Though the grammatical mistakes are not exhausted, the C&Cer
is, and I think you get the point.
Frankly, your treatments of the characters are, so far, just not that
interesting. Ranma is a one-dimensional action hero type. Akane is a
one-dimensional violent maniac. We can argue over whether these treatments are
canon, and whether it matters, but the unfortunate truth is that these
treatments are just not that interesting to read about. Your Ranma just walks
dully through every conflict he gets involved in, and your Akane isn't likeable
enough for me to care what happens to her.
A hyper-powered Ranma *can* be done well; look at "Awakening of Demons" for a
good example. The important thing is that he still has a distinct personality,
and he gets involved in conflicts that challenge him, not only in fighting but
personally as well.
Finally, pay attention to your punctuation and capitalization. Doing these
things right is part of what makes a story readable, and if it isn't readable,
most people won't read it.
Hope this helps,
Gary