Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
EPISODE THIRTY FIVE: Ai In Ohtori.
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori
Academy where the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida
Mamiya are seen sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no
longer plays faintly in the background.
MIKAGE: (Looks up at the title.) Uh oh.
MAMIYA: (Plays with Mikage's hair.) What is it,
Mikage-kun? You sound worried.
MIKAGE: (Points up at the episode title.) It's that.
MAMIYA: (Looks up at reads the episode title.) Hmm. If
that means what I think it means then this place is going to
get a hell of a lot weirder fast. And it's not going to be--
MIKAGE: (Interrupts as eyes get wide.) A wonderland.
MAMIYA: (Nods wisely.) Exactly, Mikage-kun.
SCENE: The Rose Garden. Himemiya Anthy stands there,
looking utterly miserable as she paints the roses green and
orange. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
ANTHY: (Sounds stuffed up. Sniffles.) Stupid clause in
my contract. What sorta jackass writes it in that if any of
the roses die so do I? Dammit. I hate caring for these
stupid flowers! It just pisses me off!
(She suddenly takes notice of a scuffling noise
accompanied by a soft and charming hum. Moving
through the roses in the garden, Anthy comes upon the
figure of Chiba Mamoru. He's hunched over a bed of roses
and is watering them with a can.)
MAMORU: (Looks up at Anthy.) Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't
know someone else took care of these roses.
ANTHY: (Sniffs and rubs her nose.) Yeah, well, it's not by
choice. It's my job around here. But what about you?
Don't tell me you like being in this allergy causing place.
MAMORU: (His eyes get sparkly and he clasps his hands
to his chest rather girlishly.) I love it here! All of the roses
are so nice to me and they're just terribly friendly!
ANTHY: (Looks at Mamoru warily.) Uh huh...
MAMORU: (Eyes get even more sparkly as he does a
slight twirl at lightly touches the petals of nearby roses.) I
think this is the most wonderful place in the world! If only
I could stay here forever... I'd be so happy. (He sighs
morosely as he continues.) No more trying to fight and
getting beaten up, no more evil girls kidnapping me to be
their sex slave, and best of all... no more tuxedo! (Now
tugging on his tuxedo, he grimaces.) This thing is so
formal and I wear it all the time. I want a change.
ANTHY: (Considers all he's said carefully.) So... you
really like it here then?
MAMORU: (Sighs wistfully as he looks around.) Oh, I
love it here. I feel like I belong here. The roses don't judge
me, they simply accept me for who I am.
ANTHY: (Slow and wary tones.) Right... (She forms an
almost evil smile then continues on.) If you like it here so
much then how would you like to take over my job and
care for the roses yourself? You can become the Rose
Bride in my place and live here always.
MAMORU: (Gets excited.) I would love that! (His face
suddenly falls.) But... I have my own duties, I'm afraid. As
the future King of the Moon I have to be Usako's hunky
sex slave for as long as she wants me.
ANTHY: (Considers this.) Hmmm. Well, what if we
traded? How about that?
MAMORU: (Blinks.) Traded?
ANTHY: (Nods eagerly.) You take my place as the Rose
Bride and the prize in the duels here in Ohtori and I'll take
your place as future King of the Moon and Usako's hunky
sex slave. How does that sound?
MAMORU: (Skeptical.) I don't know...
ANTHY: (Sneezes abruptly. Wipes her nose and looks
utterly miserable.) Please? I hate it here, always having to
take care of these roses and painting them green and
orange but you... you'd love it! And aren't you unhappy
with the way your life is going? I bet anything that I'd
enjoy living it far more than you are.
MAMORU: (Murmurs thoughtfully.) That's true... (His
eyes light up and he nods his head firmly.) All right! I'll do
it! I'll switch places with you! From now on, Chiba
Mamoru is the Rose Bride of the duels!
ANTHY: (Smiles widely and takes his hand to shake it
strongly.) And Himemiya Anthy is Tuxedo Kamen, the
future Moon King and virtual sex slave!
MAMORU: (Eyes sparkle enormously.) I'm so happy!
ANTHY: (Eyes sparkle as well.) Me too! (She turns
serious and locks their gazes.) But before we can really
trade places, we need to take care of some things.
MAMORU: (Blinks dimly.) What?
ANTHY: (Forms a slow smile.) Just this...
(Anthy drags Mamoru off and there's the sound of clothes
being removed and loud thumping noises. When they both
are in sight again Anthy is wearing Mamoru's tuxedo, top
hat, and white mask. Mamoru in turn is wearing Anthy's
Rose Bride dress, gold crown, and wire rim glasses. The
both of them hold large boxes in their hands.)
MAMORU: (Slightly stern.) Remember, read the Manga
before you watch the Anime. It's more accurate and has a
few characters that don't show up in the Anime.
ANTHY: (Nods obediently.) And you remember to only
watch the Anime, don't read the Manga because it's damn
scary with Juri being in love with Touga.
MAMORU: (Smiles happily.) I'll remember. Good luck
with your new life, Tuxedo Kamen-sama.
ANTHY: (Returns his smile.) And you with yours, Rose
Bride. I wish you happiness.
MAMORU: (Watches Anthy walk away.) I wish the same
for you. (As soon as she's gone, he sets down the box full
of Utena Anime tapes and hops around joyfully.) It's all
mine! All of the pretty roses to paint and take care of are
mine now! Can life truly get any better than this?
SCENE: The lobby of the French Le Ramada Inn.
Arisugawa Tenoh Ai hangs on the arm of Kaioh Michiru
as the two of them walk through it. The Sunlit Garden no
longer plays faintly in the background.
AI: (Looks around and catches the eyes of several
convention goers who stare at her in shock before they
start drooling uncontrollably.) Uhm... Michiru?
MICHIRU: (Smiles at Ai.) Yes, Ai-chan?
AI: (Points a bit nervously at the gathering crowd of
Anime women who surround them. All looking more than
a bit wild with lust.) What do they want?
MICHIRU: (Frowns and her eyes narrow.) All of you get
back! She's just a child!
FATORA: (Snorts.) She doesn't look that way to me.
(Ogles Ai who scoots behind Michiru now.) Where did she
come from anyway? An obscure OAV?
MICHIRU: (Sniffs.) It just so happens that Ai is the
daughter of MY Haruka and Juri-san. Washuu had a hand
in creating her in a test tube apparently. She might look
like a normal Anime teenager but she's only a few days
old. Which is why I think you approaching her at this time
would hardly be appropriate as--
AI: (Interrupts in a somehow kawaii and smooth way as
she gives a sparkly smile.) Actually, I'm a week old. But I
already know the complete history of the world. Even the
icky stuff. Oh! And for some reason, Auntie Washuu gave
me a lesson on advance hypothermodynamics and ratial
components of time and space. Did you know that if you
warp a turnip enough it can turn into a black hole?
MICHIRU: (Blank expression.) Really...?
AI: (Smiles and nods quickly.) Oh yes! It's fun to watch!
PRISS: (Quirks an eyebrow.) Did she teach you anything
about romance, hmm? What about that?
AI: (Faces Priss and smiles again.) She just had a few
books programmed into my memory about the subject.
MYLANDAH: (Curious.) What books?
LAHRRI: (Leaning on Mylandah.) Yes, what books?
AI: (Smiles again, very perky now.) Kama Sutra! The
version made for Anime lesbians, of course. Auntie says
I'm the most well versed person in the world about all the
different techniques they have in that book.
(The entire crowd stares at Ai for a long moment before
they suddenly reduce into a riot like status and all rush at
her at the same time. Ai freezes for a moment but Michiru
rushes to stand in front of her and transforms into Sailor
Neptune, using her powers to hold off the mob.)
SAILOR NEPTUNE: (Turns to yell at Ai. Is barely
holding off the mob with her attacks.) Run for it, Ai-chan!
I'll keep them away from you as long as I can!
AI: (Eyes wide. Uncertain.) But I can't leave you...
SAILOR NEPTUNE: (Grimaces and shouts.) Go!! If
anything happened to you Haruka and Juri would surely
skin me! Just try to find someone normal, they'll help you
find your way back to them, Ai-chan!
AI: (Uncertain still.) Someone normal...?
(Just then, Mokona hops past making his usual 'puu'
noises. Ai fixes her eyes on him and he waves one of his
useless arms to her, as if telling her to follow him and he'll
take her to someone normal. So Ai runs after Mokona and
out of the convention.)
SAILOR NEPTUNE: (Watches Ai exit. Huffs.) Good
luck, little one... (She's tackled by several horny Anime
lesbians.) Hey! Don't wrinkle my butt bow!!
SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Mokona is leading
Arisugawa Tenoh Ai away from AniLesboCon and to
someone who's, hopefully, normal. The Sunlit Garden no
longer plays faintly in the background.
AI: (Running after Mokona.) This sucks and other four
letter words Auntie Ryoko would use but Mommy Juri
told me I can't say anymore! (Frowns.) Why did they all
have to act that way? Just because I'm the daughter of the
two coolest Anime lesbians in existence? (Sniffles.) I just
want to be myself and be left alone! (She considers this in
thoughtful tones.) Well, maybe not left alone... I do want
to have a girlfriend if I ever meet the right person...
MOKONA: (Pauses in his running. Looks back at Ai and
waves his useless arms.) Puu! Puu puu puu!
AI: (Shades her eyes and runs after Mokona who has just
dashed into a cramped cave/tunnel thing.) Follow after you
in there, you say? But it's awfully dark... and I don't think I
have any sort of light powers.
MOKONA: (Runs into the cave/tunnel thing.) Puu puu!
AI: (Blinks and exclaims.) Hey, wait up! (She runs after
Mokona into the cave/tunnel thing.) You're supposed to
take me to someone normal! You promised!
(Soon Ai finds herself running through the cramped
cave/tunnel which gets smaller and smaller. Finally, she
sees a light ahead and sighs in relief until the floor of the
cave/tunnel suddenly disappears on her and she's now
falling downwards at a strangely leisurely pace. All around
her float various things like Sailor Moon mangas, Utena
wallscrolls, unwrapped ding dongs, and multicolored
roses.)
AI: (Grabs a Sailor Moon manga. Reads.) Wowww. I
didn't know Mommy Haruka liked to show her midriff this
much! (Frowns and murmurs.) She's sorta racy. (Out of
nowhere, the falling pace speeds up enormously and Ai
now finds herself plummeting downwards quickly. Shouts
in kawaii panic.) This isn't good!! I don't know if I was
born with a parachute!
(There's a loud thump, groans, and a 'puu' noise. When Ai
then opens her eyes she finds herself inside of the infamous
elevator for which this spamfic is named. She sits on top a
squashed and somewhat irate Mokona.)
MOKONA: (Groans weakly.) Puuuuuuu...
AI: (Leaps off Mokona.) Oh! I'm so sorry, Mokona-chan!
MOKONA: (Wearily sits up. Rubs his back with his tiny
useless hands.) Puu puu puu....
AI: (She looks up to see two shadowed figures staring
down at her and rises to her feet hesitantly.) Hello...?
(The two figures in the shadows step forward to reveal
themselves as Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya.)
MAMIYA: (Eyes narrow.) It's a girl, Mikage-kun.
MIKAGE: (Eyes narrow also.) So it seems, Mamiya-chan.
AI: (Hesitant still.) Uhm... can you help me? I'm sort of
lost and I need to find someone normal. So they can help
me get back to AniLesboCon. Do you--
MAMIYA: (Interrupts. Cool tones.) Normal? Do we look
normal to you, girl?
MIKAGE: (Cool tones also.) Yes, do we look normal?
AI: (Perplexed. She rubs the back of her head.) You look
normal enough to me... why?
MAMIYA: (Sniffs derisively.) Well, we're not! We're
anything but normal! Because we are...
MAMIYA & MIKAGE: (Hold onto each other and sing
while batting their eyelashes.) Bishonen beauties!
MIKAGE: (Spins Mamiya in his arms smoothly. Gives a
glinting and charming smile.) Tell me if you think it's true,
there isn't a thing a beautiful bishonen can't do!
MAMIYA: (Clasps his hands and gives Mikage doe eyed
look.) We bishonens can skip and hop!
MIKAGE: (Pulls Mamiya to him by the waist so they're
pressed together.) And we never have to pick up a mop!
MAMIYA & MIKAGE: (Sing together as they remain in
their romantical pose.) Oh, we're bishonens, yes it's true!
Oh, we're beautiful, but you can't sue!
MIKAGE: (Eyes glittering, he looks down at Mamiya.)
I'm a bishonen beauty and I have a thing for you...
MAMIYA: (Eyes glittering, he looks up at Mikage.) I'm a
bishonen beauty and I have a thing for you too...
AI: (Frowns and mutters.) Suddenly what they said seems
all too true. They're not normal at all.
MOKONA: (Looks disgusted. Waves his tiny useless arms
and runs towards edge of the elevator.) Puuuuu! (Mokona
then hurls his poofy form out of the elevator.) Puu puu!
AI: (Eyes go wide.) That was extreme. (She looks over at
Mikage and Mamiya who are still singing and grimaces.) I
guess I really don't have any choice but to follow. (With a
sigh, Ai walks to the edge and looks down.) Here's hoping
that Auntie Washuu did give me a parachute.
(After jumping out of the elevator, Ai once again finds
herself falling at a strangely leisurely pace but this time,
there isn't any various things floating all around her. Same
as before, out of nowhere the pace of her falling speeds up
and she thumps on the hard floor to some unknown area.
This time Mokona is unsquashed and stands safely next to
where she sits on the floor.)
AI: (Groans and rubs her butt.) This can't be good for my
ultra kawaii posterior...
MOKONA: (Solemn tones. Points a useless arm towards
two forms ahead of them.) Puu puuuuu.
AI: (Eyes narrow.) Talk to them, you say? Well... okay. I
hope they're better than the last ones though.
(Nearing the forms, Ai soon sees that they are two
handsome men, who look spectacularly alike and more
than a bit dimwitted. The readers of this dinky spamfic
know them best as Ohtori Akio and Dios. The men sit in
recliners and one is talking to the other as they attentively
watch some television program.)
AKIO: (Watching TV.) Is there a reason why Judge Judy
is so mean all of the time?
DIOS: (Scratches his chin.) ...
AKIO: (Tilts his head to one side.) Hmm, you're right. It
could be a result of some horrible childhood trauma.
DIOS: (Shrugs.) ...
AKIO: (Nods slowly.) Or she could just be a bitch.
DIOS: (He stiffens suddenly and whirls around to face Ai
who is standing next to his recliner.) ...!
AKIO: (Blinks and looks at Ai.) Hey, a cute girl. What do
you know... I didn't know they could be delivered.
AI: (Laughs kawaii nervous.) I wasn't exactly delivered.
I'm just here by accident but I was wondering if maybe you
could help me find my way back to AniLesboCon?
DIOS: (Frowns and looks at Akio.) ...
AKIO: (Nods severely.) Yes, you're right. She has no
concept of manners at all. You should always introduce
yourself to someone before you ask for favors.
AI: (Eyes go wide.) I'm sorry. I'm--
AKIO: (Interrupts and gives a smooth smile.) But first let
me introduce myself! I'm Ohtori Akio. (His smile turns all
glittery and his eyes sparkle.) Sexy man on campus.
AI: (Very nervous. Backs away.) I see...
DIOS: (Stands in front of Akio. Bows lowly.) ...
AI: (Smiles softly.) Nice to meet you too, Dios-chan!
AKIO: (Scowls at Dios.) Suck up.
DIOS: (Smirks at Akio.) ...
AKIO: (Mutters.) I'll show you who's a lady killer... (He
flashes Ai another charming smile.) So! What's your name
pretty lady? You never told us and remember--
AI: (Wary tones.) You should always introduce yourself
to someone before you ask for favors, I know.
AKIO: (Smiles happily.) I knew you were smart.
AI: (Sighs.) Why me? (She focuses back on Akio and
Dios.) I'm Arisugawa Tenoh Ai, the test tube genetically
created daughter of Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka. If
all studies are correct, I'm the most superior Anime lesbian
to ever exist. Plus I'm supposedly a hottie.
DIOS: (Quirks an eyebrow.) ...
AKIO: (Chuckles.) Yeah, and I thought Anthy had a high
sense of self esteem. She has nothing on this girl.
AI: (Frowns slightly.) Anyway. Can you tell me how to
get back to AniLesboCon? Mokona led me to you and I'm
hoping that means you're both--
DIOS: (Interrupts. Looks curious.) ...
AI: (Blinks.) Why would I want to stay?
AKIO: (Brightly exclaims and hops around.) Yes, stay! If
you stay we could have a duel for you!
(Akio and Dios both pull swords out of nothingness and
pose with them so they look dangerous and cool.)
AI: (Sweatdrops.) Eh... no thanks. I just need--
DIOS: (Peers at Ai closely.) ...?
AI: (Blinks again.) Yes, I was escaping from a mob of
horny Anime lesbians. How did you know that?
AKIO: (Mysterious tones.) We know many things.
AI: (Wary tones.) I see.
DIOS: (Leans close to Ai.) ...
AKIO: (Happily claps.) Yes! Lets tell her the story of the
girl groupies and those who escaped them!
AI: (Reluctant.) I'm sort of in a hurry so--
DIOS: (Sniffs and looks at Akio.) ...
AKIO: (Nods his head sadly.) Yes, those trapped by the
girl groupies insane love were in a hurry too. In a hurry to
unload them as fast as they could. But I guess she doesn't
want to learn how to do that for herself.
AI: (Looks curious.) Unload them how?
DIOS: (Waves his hand dismissively.) ...
AKIO: (Nods in agreement.) That's right. You said you
were in a hurry. You don't have time to hear the story.
AI: (Slowly.) Well... maybe I have some time.
AKIO: (Brightens immediately.) Really?! Great! (He rises
to his feet and grabs Ai and propels her into his recliner to
sit down. Dios rises to his feet as well.) Here's the story of
the obsessive girl groupies orrrr...
DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...!
AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) There
are so girls far and wide, you just can't get rid of them and
you just can't hide!
DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...!
AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) These
girls are scary, these girls are true, these girls always seem
to move around in large groups!
DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...!
AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) They
come after those of talent, they come after those of grace,
they even go after those who like to wear lace!
DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...!
AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) There
is one way to get rid of them, one way that's true! They all
love a pedestal to put you on! That's for sure!
DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...!
AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) To be
alone, to be in peace, to be free of them there is only one
thing you need to do! Fall off that pedestal, ooh, ooh!
DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...!
AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) This is
something you must realize, girl groupies can't stand faults
in those they think make the gods rise! Make one mistake
and they leave for good, it's as easy as eating food!
DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...!
AKIO: (Waves his hands about.) The enddd, taaa daaaa!
AI: (Sweatdrops and claps.) That was very nice.
AKIO: (Beams.) Really??? Want to hear another?
AI: (Reluctant. Stands up.) Uhm, that's okay...
AKIO: (Hops up and down.) Oh, I know you do! (Clears
his throat.) Here we go! The story of abusive duelists...
(While Akio and Dios begin their next story, Ai sneaks
away from them and follows after Mokona. They end up
walking out of the Upside Down Castle and into the forest
surrounding the dueling arena.)
AI: (Frowns at Mokona.) None of these people that you
end up taking me to are normal. Are you sure you really
know what your job is here?
MOKONA: (Looks insulted.) Puu!
AI: (Rolls her eyes.) Easy for you to say. (She looks off
into the distance and notices some smoke billowing out of
the forest a little further ahead.) What's that? (Ai turns to
face Mokona.) What do you think that is? (On seeing that
the fluffy white bunny thing is missing, she blinks dimly.)
Mokona? Where did you go? (Scowling deeply now, Ai
gives an irate shout.) You were supposed to take me to
someone who's normal!!
(Shaking her red gold head, Ai mutters something under
her breath and rolls up the sleeves to her ultra cool and
slick looking blue and gold uniform as she walks further
into the forest and towards the billowing smoke. After a
few minutes of walking, Ai comes upon the figure of one
Shinohara Wakaba. She's lying in a hammock that's high
up in between two trees and has a large... uhm... uh... a
large and very special relaxing cigarette with her.)
WAKABA: (Squints and takes a drag.) What the hell are
you babbling about, stupid author? I got a blunt with me.
AUTHOR: (Grimaces.) I was trying not to say that!
WAKABA: (Squints again.) What for?
AUTHOR: (Mutters.) I don't need people after me for
promoting drug use, y'know. I have enough problems with
people after me for promoting so much lesbianism in this
spamfic. Of course, I like promoting lesbianism...
WAKABA: (Shrugs nonchalantly.) Whatever. (She takes a
long very drag from her, uhm... god, okay... blunt then
fixes her gaze on Ai who stands in front of her. Wakaba
squints and leans over, as she says all the words, they form
out in smoke in front of Ai.) Who... are... you...?
AI: (Coughs and waves blunt smoke letters away from her
face as she does so.) I'm Arisugawa Tenoh Ai.
WAKABA: (Ponders this. As she says all the words they
form out in smoke in front of Ai.) Explain yourself...
AI: (Dodges the blunt smoke letters.) Okay, uhm, I'm the
genetically created daughter of Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh
Haruka who was made by Washuu in a test tube.
WAKABA: (Eyes narrow. She leans off her hammock
closer and booms all the words as they form out in smoke
in front of Ai.) But WHO... ARE... YOU...?
AI: (Scowls and produces a cool looking sword out of
nowhere that looks like a cross between Juri's own fancy
sword and Haruka's space sword. She then uses the rather
cool sword to cut up the smoke words.) Are you even
listening to me?! I just explained who I was to you!
WAKABA: (Leans back in hammock. She gazes up at the
sky, seeming relaxed and asks the word as it forms out in
smoke in front of Ai.) Why...?
AI: (Dices the smoke word with her cool sword then
sheathes it in a scabbard that has somehow appeared to
hang at her side loosely. Sighs heavily.) Please stop being
so confusing. (She looks off into this distance.) Why must
everyone around here be so strange?
WAKABA: (Chuckles and flips on her side to study Ai
coyly. As she says all the words they form out in smoke in
front of Ai.) It's not that strange really...
AI: (Scowls again and waves the smoke words away from
her face and mutters.) That's it. I'm leaving.
WAKABA: (Watches Ai exit with lidded eyes. Suddenly,
she flies forward in her hammock, hanging half off of it to
shout to Ai's now disappearing figure.) Wait, wait! I have
something important to tell you!
AI: (Further ahead in the forest. She pauses in her walk to
look back where Wakaba is. Shaking her head, she then
mutters to herself.) I'm going to regret this.
(She then wanders back towards Wakaba and finds the
other girl still lying in her hammock. Ai looks up at her as
she puts her hands on her hips.)
AI: (Expectantly.) Well? You said that you had something
important to tell me? So what is it?
WAKABA: (Eyes closed, very relaxed, as she says the
words they form out in smoke and fly into the sky.) Keep
your charm. It'll do you good in this place.
AI: (Frowns a bit.) Is that all you had to say?
WAKABA: (Pops open one eye to study Ai leisurely. As
she slowly says all the words they form out in smoke in
front of Ai.) What... is your... problem?
AI: (Eyes narrow.) You're all weird here.
WAKABA: (Face turns bright red and she starts to twitch
uncontrollably.) Weird?! I'm here! Am I weird?! And what
is wrong with being weird?! It's better than being normal!!
AI: (Eyes go wide. Nervous.) I only meant--
WAKABA: (Face is red as a tomato and she's raging
now.) I'LL SHOW YOU WEIRD!!
(There's a huge blast of smoke and nothing can be seen but
Ai coughing heavily is heard quite clearly. When all of the
smoke clears away, Wakaba and her hammock are gone.)
AI: (Blinks at this.) She's right. That is weird.
SCENE: Unknown location. Lucrezia Noin stands there in
her cool uniform and gives the tiniest of smiles. The Sunlit
Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
NOIN: (Smiling still.) I am desirable.
SCENE: The dueling arena forest. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is
back to wandering through it. The Sunlit Garden no longer
plays faintly in the background.
AI: (Frowns.) What was the point of that scene anyway?
AUTHOR: (Shrugs.) Dunno. I'm throwing a bone to all
the Gundam Wing fanatics on A.F.U. For some reason
they seem to like that chick a lot.
AI: (Ponders this.) Well... she IS desirable...
AUTHOR: (Nods.) I think it's the uniform. There's just
something about a lady in uniform, y'know.
AI: (Inspects her own uniform which is, of course, very
cool looking and shows off her trim figure.) So I have
something about me in this uniform then?
AUTHOR: (Coughs.) I'd comment but your mothers
would probably try and kill me.
AI: (Sighs and nods.) You're right. (Her eyes light up.)
Hey! Since you are the author of this dinky spamfic you
should know where I can find someone normal!
(Overwhelming silence fills the air and the only thing that
can be heard is the Sunlit Garden no longer playing in the
background. Which is pretty bad news.)
AI: (Heaves a deep sigh.) Abandoned again.
(She walks for several minutes then comes upon a large
tree with tons of signs that form arrows nailed to it. There
is just one problem with all the directional signs. They just
happen to be written in French.)
AI: (Twitches severely.) I'm... not... French!!! (She heaves
several deep breathes and calms herself.) Whoah. I must
get that from Mommy Juri. I don't think Mommy Haruka
hates the French that much. (Rubbing the back of her head
she studies the signs some more.) Still, what sort of moron
puts up French signs in a Japanese school?
(Before she can ponder the annoying French signs
anymore, Ai hears a distant sound on the wind. It's almost
sing songish and is sort of charming as it nears her.)
AI: (Narrows her eyes.) What's that...?
(Slowly on the branch to the tree that has all the French
signs nailed to it, a toothy smile alone appears.)
AI: (Blinks.) I'm sorry Mommy Juri but... FUCCCK!!!
(While Ai is still feeling guilty about disobeying Juri and
using one of the words Ryoko taught her, tiny little eyes
appear, then mouse like ears, and finally a head, then a
body on the tree branch before her.)
CHU CHU: (Smiles.) Chuuuuu chuu.
AI: (Slow step forward.) You're a monkey?
CHU CHU: (Smiles again.) Chuu chuuuu.
AI: (Looks doubtful.) You're a monkey mouse? Why did
you appear body part at a time back there?
CHU CHU: (Shrugs.) Chuu chuu chu.
AI: (Shakes her head.) Whatever. Listen, do you know of
anyone normal who can lead me back to AniLesboCon?
CHU CHU: (He smiles and his head disappears to just
leave his smile and his hand points to the right.) Chuuu.
AI: (Follows his hand.) Huh? (She looks at Mokona who
is happily hopping and 'puu-ing' away.) Mokona!! (Ai then
dashes after him quickly.) Thanks monkey mouse thing!
CHU CHU: (His whole body disappears now.) Chu.
(Running after Mokona now, Ai finds herself at a random
wall in Ohtori during an unusually frequent sunset. She
sees Mokona sitting in front of Shadow Play Girls A-ko,
B-ko, and C-ko who are singing and dancing around a
long table that sits in front of their chosen wall.)
A-KO: (Sings and dances around table.) A very happy
cloning day to us!
B-KO: (Sings and dances around table.) To who?
C-KO: (Sings and dances around table.) To us!
SHADOW PLAY GIRLS: (Sing and dance around table
all together.) Ohhhh, a very happy cloning day to us!
AI: (Grimaces slightly.) I like singing and dancing as much
as the next Anime lesbian but does everyone have to do it
all the time in this place?
B-KO: (Notices Ai. Screams.) Intruder!!
A-KO: (Frowns at Ai.) When did she get here?
C-KO: (Scolding tones.) It's very rude to interrupt
someone's cloning day party without an invitation.
AI: (Perplexed.) Cloning day?
C-KO: (Looks at A-ko and B-ko.) Did you hear that? I
don't think she knows what cloning day is!
B-KO: (Scoffs.) Everyone knows what cloning day is.
A-KO: (Studies Ai.) Unless they're not a clone.
(A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko all whip around to study Ai closely
who is now sweatdropping.)
AI: (Nervous laugh.) Heh... caught me... I'm no clone. So
maybe you can tell me what cloning day is?
B-KO: (Suspicious.) If we do... how do we know you
won't impersonate a clone so you can celebrate it to?
AI: (Waves her hands.) I would never do that! Besides, if I
did I would have to deny my heritage as the only daughter
of Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka. That's something I'd
never be able to do.
C-KO: (Eyes water up.) J-J-Juri-sama's... daughter...???
(She's bawling now.) She reproduced without me!!
AI: (Studies C-ko warily.) Uhm... what's...?
A-KO: (Consoles C-ko. Looks up at Ai.) She has a thing
for your mother. Just try to ignore it best you can.
B-KO: (Snorts.) Yeah, good luck with that.
MOKONA: (Hops onto table. Talks to B-ko.) Puu, puu!
B-KO: (Eyes get wide.) No way, Hikaru said that?
MOKONA: (Conspiratorial tones.) Puu puu, puuuuu.
A-KO: (Stops consoling C-ko and lets her fall toppling
and crying to the ground.) She and Umi did what?!
MOKONA: (Leans closer to them.) Puuuu puu, puu.
C-KO: (Head pops up curiously.) Fuu? Really?!
(Ai watches this gossip session go on for a few minutes
before she grits her teeth and getting frustrated, she gives
up on them and walks off on her own. She doesn't get too
far when Chu Chu appears before her. Well, his smile does
at least. Ai stops to study him warily.)
AI: (Sighs heavily.) What now?
CHU CHU: (Ears and eyes appear.) Chuuu chu chu.
AI: (Arches an eyebrow.) I dumped him, I'm afraid.
Mokona isn't helping me at all. If I want to find someone
normal to lead me back to AniLesboCon I'll have to do it
my own way.
CHU CHU: (Head appears suddenly. Panicked.) Chu!!
AI: (Looks surprised. Repeats.) All ways are Miki the
Hut's ways? Why do you say that?
CHU CHU: (Body appears slowly.) Chu chu, chu. Chu!
AI: (Doubtful tones.) He's a gangster who runs all of
Ohtori? But I thought he was a cute and sweet blue haired
bishonen boy who liked to play the piano?
CHU CHU: (Shakes his head sadly.) Chuuuuuu.
AI: (Wisely.) Ah, I see. The author got to him. (Blinks.)
Wait... do you think Miki the Hut could help me get back
to the convention? If he runs everything around here then
he surely must know a way back, right?
CHU CHU: (Considers this.) Chu, chu chu chu.
AI: (Ponders his words.) I think it's worth the risk. You
can't gain anything without trying. So... do you know how
I can find Miki the Hut?
CHU CHU: (Points towards the nearby greenhouse.) Chu,
chu chu chu.
AI: (Nods her head.) A secret passage way is located in
the Rose Garden, huh? Thanks a lot, monkey mouse!
CHU CHU: (Watching Ai run off.) Chu chuuu.
(Slowly Ai pushes open the delicate glass doors to the
Rose Garden and finds Chiba Mamoru, who is wearing his
new constant outfit of the dress of the Rose Bride. He's
busy painting the roses green and orange.)
MAMORU: (Sings to himself happily as he paints.) I'm
painting the roses green and orange... painting the roses
green and orange... if I don't they... uh... I'm painting the
roses green and orange...
AI: (Observes curiously. Despite him being in drag
Mamoru seems normal enough.) Excuse me... sir...?
MAMORU: (Looks up from his painting and gives Ai a
beautiful smile.) Hello! How are you?
AI: (Blinks and smiles back.) I'm fine. Yourself?
MAMORU: (Holds up his paintbrush.) I'm doing just
lovely painting the roses green and orange. They're such
pretty colors, don't you think?
AI: (Smiles softly.) Yes, they are pretty. (She frowns.) But
why do you have to paint them green and orange?
MAMORU: (Looks up at the ceiling of the Rose Garden
thoughtfully.) I know this... I just read it in her notes a few
seconds ago... (His eyes light up.) I remember! (He smiles
at Ai.) I'm painting them green and orange because those
are the colors of the duelists and today is Tuesday. I get to
paint them red and blue on Wednesdays!
AI: (Considers this.) Okay... (She looks at Mamoru
carefully and now decides he's definitely the most normal
person she's met so far. Despite the fact that he's a very
strangely perky man in a fancy dress.) Do you happen to
know of a secret passage way located in here?
MAMORU: (Looks cute yet perky as he frowns
thoughtfully.) No, I haven't seen one so far. Why?
AI: (Sighs heavily.) I need to find the passage way so I can
visit Miki the Hut. I wanted to ask him for some help.
MAMORU: (Claps his hands happily.) Is that all? His
minions are always walking around here! I saw them leave
just a few minutes ago on a ding dong run, I bet that they
get back here any second, then you can follow them!
AI: (Blinks and echoes.) Ding dong run?
(Before Ai can ask Mamoru more questions, the recently
converted girl groupies of Miki the Hut, aka his minions,
appear in a large crowd all chanting the same thing.)
GIRL GROUPIES: (Chanting as they rush into the Rose
Garden and open up the secret passage way that leads
back to Miki the Hut's catacombs.) We're late, we're late!
For a very important dueling date! The ding dongs that we
got for Miki the Hut-sempai are top rate!
(Ai dashes after them and manages to sneak into the
passage way before the door slams shut. Mamoru stands
and watches all of this occur with wide eyes.)
MAMORU: (Girlish and cute.) Oh dear... I hope she
doesn't get into any trouble. She's a nice Anime lesbian.
(He shrugs and goes back to his business.) I'm painting the
roses green and orange... green and orange...
SCENE: The catacombs of Ohtori Academy. Kaoru Miki
aka Miki the Hut is seen lying on his bed. He is a huge
blob of... well, fat. His breathing is raspy and he's almost
completely surrounded by ding dong wrappers. Next to his
bed stands Kaoru Kozue and at the front of it sits Kiryuu
Touga who is still in his Princess Leia knock off skimpy
metal bikini. Touga smirks as the girl groupies rush into
the room holding several hundred bags of ding dongs. The
Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly. Can't understand due
to how fat he is. We now require a translator.) ...
KOZUE: (Looks at girl groupies. Droll tones.) 'Is that all
you got? I said I wanted a snack!'
GIRL GROUPIE #34: (Bows her head.) We're sorry, Miki
the Hut-sempai but we bought out the whole store!
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Looks at girl groupies. Droll tones.) 'Fine. I
accept your answer... for now. Just don't let this sort of
thing happen again. Or I'll send you back to Touga.'
GIRL GROUPIES: (Wail together.) Noooo! Don't do that
Miki the Hut-sempai!! We worship you!
TOUGA: (Grumbles.) What's wrong with me now?
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly. Yanks on the chain
that's attached to Touga's collar.) ...!
KOZUE: (Looks at Touga. Droll tones.) 'Quiet, slave!'
TOUGA: (Smirks sensuously at Miki.) Yes, 'Master', I'll
do whatever you say. And I do mean whatever.
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly and shudders.) ...
KOZUE: (Snickers.) I told you he was a pervert.
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly and eyes narrow.) ...!
KOZUE: (Narrows her eyes and looks across the room to
see Ai emerging from the secret passage way.) A spy!
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Nears Ai and says in dangerous tones.) My
brother, Miki the Hut, wants to know why you dare to
enter what is known through all of Ohtori as his sacred
domain and/or his crib without permission.
AI: (Meets Kozue's gaze steadily.) I need his help and I'll
do anything-- (She pauses to look at Touga then grimaces
on remembering what he just said.) Well, almost anything
to get it. As long as it's not perverted.
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly and studies Ai.) ...
KOZUE: (Looks at Miki then back to Ai.) Miki the Hut
says: 'Before I would help you, you must prove your own
worth to me. Despite appearances, my not so humble and
perverted slave is an expert duelist. Will you fight him? If
you win, I'll grant you whatever you wish.' (Kozue smirks
now and leans in to whisper in Ai's ear.) Though I doubt
that you'll win. He's feeling frisky.
TOUGA: (Hears this somehow and smirks also.) Frisky
like a cat in heat, baby doll.
AI: (Shudders then looks at Miki the Hut.) Very well. I
agree to your terms. Even though he is a pervert.
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Walks over to Touga and unlocks the chain to
his collar and hands him a sword that she produces out of
nowhere. She then sticks a red rose in the little cleavage
point in his metal bikini top.) 'Don't try to escape, slave.'
TOUGA: (Takes the sword. Turns to smile sensuously at
Miki the Hut.) I wouldn't even dream of it, 'Master'. (In a
smooth movement, he stands across from Ai and appraises
her with his eyes as Kozue tucks a gold rose in the lapel of
her cool uniform.) You're quite the sexy one, aren't you? I
hate to damage something as pretty as you but... well, that
is the life of a willing slave boy, is it not?
AI: (Grimaces at Touga.) You won't win.
TOUGA: (Smirks widely.) We'll see.
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...!
KOZUE: (Stands by Miki the Hut and raises her hand into
the air.) 'Begin the duel!'
(Ai and Touga jump into the duel with flashing swords and
dramatic music that comes out of nowhere. All that can be
heard is the clang of metal and the music, their bodies are
flashes of clothing and skin. Until suddenly, Ai ducks very
low and produces a flask of water. She tosses it at Touga
who is surprised but soon finds himself immobile while his
metal bikini begins to rust and harden, making it next to
impossible for him to move. Ai smirks at this.)
AI: (Quirks an eyebrow.) Beauty and brains. I have it all,
buddy. (She then swiftly slashes the rose away from where
it rests in Touga's metal bikini top.) I win.
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...!
KOZUE: (Blinks. Looks back at Miki the Hut. Blinks
again. Then faces Ai.) 'Off with her head!'
AI: (Eyes go wide.) Wh-wh-what????
(The girl groupies all look at each other wide eyed then
shrug and do as their new sempai commands and rush
towards a frozen Ai who gets quickly unfrozen, yelps, and
races back up another secret passage way to escape.)
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly and frowns.) ...!!!
KOZUE: (Blinks yet again.) What? You mean you didn't
want them to chop off her head? You just wanted to give
her a ding dong for a reward before granting her favor?
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...!
KOZUE: (Nervous laugh.) Well, I'm sure she'll be okay, if
she beat Touga the girl groupies should be no problem.
MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
TOUGA: (Slinks back to his usual sitting place at the foot
of Miki the Hut's bed.) You're right, this is bad P.R.
SCENE: The Ohtori Campus. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is
running quickly across it at top speeds. On her heels are
Miki the Hut's girl groupies. The Sunlit Garden no longer
plays faintly in the background.
AI: (Wails loudly.) This succccccccks!!!!
GIRL GROUPIES: (Shout together.) Off with your head!
AI: (Wails still.) Why is this happening to me?!
(She stops wailing to notice Mokona waving her down.
Despite her earlier mistrust of him, she runs towards the
poofy bunny thing. When Ai reaches him, Mokona hops in
front of her to wave his tiny useless arms about and a huge
smoke cloud appears in front of them. When it clears, the
girl groupies are gone.)
AI: (Blinks at this.) What did you do? That was like what
Wakaba pulled earlier. (She narrows her eyes as she looks
at Mokona.) Have you been toking it up?
MOKONA: (Looks somewhat innocent.) Puu, puu puu!
AI: (Muses.) Magic powers, yeah, okay... I'll believe that.
For now, at least. (She sighs.) But I suppose you still don't
know of anyone normal to help me out, huh?
MOKONA: (Smiles and uses a tiny useless arm to point to
a figure sitting under a tree in the shade.) Puuuuuu.
AI: (Narrows her eyes.) They'll help me? You sure? The
last time you... (She trails off and sees Mokona is gone. Ai
sighs again and squares her shoulders.) Might as well suck
it up and go for, Ai. What's the worse that can happen?
(She mutters now.) I shouldn't say that... (Ai walks over to
the figure and clears her throat politely.) Hello?
(The figure tilts their head back to reveal intelligent dark
blue eyes that aren't at all obscured by the wire rim glasses
they have on. Short blonde hair obscures half of their face
just slightly, but is pushed back by a delicate hand. They
wear a simple yet elegant black suit that fits their trim form
well. Ai stares dimly at the woman before her.)
AI: (Repeats softly.) Hello.
WOMAN: (Smiles teasingly.) You already said that.
AI: (Snaps out of her daze. Laughs a nervous but
charming laugh.) Oh yeah, sorry... (She bends down to
peer seriously in the woman's eyes.) Can you help me?
WOMAN: (Blinks.) With what?
AI: (Waves her hands quickly.) Nothing ecchi! I just need
to find my way back to AniLesboCon, that's all.
WOMAN: (Gets a knowing look in her eyes.) Oh? Is that
all? (She rises to her feet and reveals that she's just a little
bit shorter than Ai.) I can help you find your way back no
problem. After all, I am their official Mascot.
AI: (Eyes go wide. Echoes.) Mascot...?
WOMAN: (Looks apologetic.) Sorry! I never introduced
myself, did I? (She gives a slight bow as she keeps their
gazes locked.) I'm Yuriko, the official Mascot who was
created specifically for AniLesboCon. (Smiling now, her
eyes twinkle a bit.) And how about you?
AI: (Returns the smile.) I'm Arisugawa Tenoh Ai, the
genetically created daughter of Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh
Haruka, made by Auntie Washuu in a test tube.
YURIKO: (Whistles.) Impressive.
AI: (Blushes a bit.) I guess. (She averts her eyes.) So
you'll help me get back then? My parents must be very
worried by now and Michiru... well, I think I should check
on her after that whole mob incident.
YURIKO: (Smiles easily.) Sure, I'll help you find your way
back. I said I would, didn't I? (She offers her arm to Ai as
she continues talking.) Shall we get going?
AI: (Hesitates and studies Yuriko before she smiles and
hooks her arm in the other woman's.) Yes, lets!
(As Ai and Yuriko head back to AniLesboCon, the scene
fades to black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote
when extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series
when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just feel
like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo
seriously. It's just for fun.
Send comments to: dreiser0@earthlink.net
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next
time?! Will AniLesboCon (now) 2001 still be going on?! Is
Yuriko really the convention Mascot?! Stay tuned!
Chat with me on Yahoo Messenger! My i.d. is: dreiser3
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, Yuriko really is the official
Mascot of AniLesboCon. Just check out the webpage
below to see what she looks like. She's a nice gal and I
please, no worries, I got permission to put her in my fic.
I'm hoping her creator(s) approve of how she's written.
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/Dreiser/dreiser.html
To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to:
http://michiru.com/utena/
AniLesboCon 2001; Because the best women are
animated: http://www.shoujoai.com/~anilesbocon/
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:
"Rejoice meteor balls, you will taste blood again!"
-Suboshi; Fushigi Yuugi OAV-
NANAMI: (Stares at quote.) That is just wrong.
MAZE: (Stares at quote. Nods.) Yep.