Nice story, but the end is a bit anticlimatic and you could the name at the
end with the name of about anybody else without affecting the story or its
effect.
Here is a suggestion to improve the story without changing to much of what
is already written. No offence intended to the original author.
------------------------------------------
As it is common knowledge Rumiko Takahashi's characters are entirely her
own.
""denotes speach
<denotes thought
~~denotes nothing at all (exept for two tildas)
Ranma stood silently in the Tendo Dojo, comtemplating whether or not
everyone would show. He had invited all those who felt or had decided they >had
the right to marry him. He could really care less who showed because >he
knew that the one to whom he would finally
reveal his heart would know of his decision, being there in personal
attendance or not.
"You may enter." he said in a simple mono-tone.
"Ranma..."
"Nice to see you Akane. Come in and make yourself comfortable."
Akane walked in, glancing left and right. There really wasn't much to
see, besides Ramna. Ranma was dressed in what appeared to be his usual
clothes but at a second look Akane noticed they were much nicer. His shirt
almost glowed in the places where the sun hit it and his pants seemed to >flow
around him in the light breeze that floated through the door.
Ranma watched as Akane sat in the middle of the dojo facing him. >She
really is kinda cute sometimes< he thought.
Ranma continued to wait, he knew that the others would be there. He had
more than enough time but that wasn't a problem either. It didn't matter
if he waited for every one to show up because he knew that the one to whom
he would finally
reveal his heart was always watching over him.
Ranma glanced towards the door "Ra-...Ran-chan"
"Come on in and have a seat"
Ukyo walked in and sat uncomfortably next to Akane. >I wonder what Ranma
meant when he said he had "made my final decision"?< Ukyo thought as she
watched Ranma.
"Nihao, Arien!" Shampoo called as she bounded throught the door moment
behinds Ukyo. "So you finally going tell everyone you pick me?!"
Ranma snorted."Now is not the time for games Xian Pu, if you would be so
kind as to have a seat there next to Ukyo..."
Shampoo was taken by surprise when Ranma correctly pronounced her name,
glancing around warily she sat next to Ukyo.
The three "formal" fiancees had arrived but Ranma felt that he should at
least wait until the time was right before he said anything. Besides he
knew that the one to whom he would finally
reveal his heart would be listening.
The "three" sat in an uncomfortable silence. But they all knew that
Ranma >had a good reason to bring them all here and decided it would be best to
wait.
Slowly people started to filter in, but it wasn't just those who felt
they >had a "claim" to Ranma.
Ranma asked those that were not fiancees or would-be-fiancees to wait
outside the dojo.
Genma and Soun showed up of course. They were expecting Akane to be
chosen and had no doubts in "the fine boy".
He told them to stay with Ryouga, Mousse and Cologne in the yard.
The Kunos were there, Kodachi seated herself next to Shampoo who inspite
of her warior upbringing inched away slightly. Tatewaki stood just outside
the dojo deeming it infested by a "fowl sorcerer" but claimed that he
would vanquish the "cur" if the reults were not favorable.
Kasumi decided to keep the group in the backyard company and more
important keep them from spying on the procedings in the dojo. This
time, there would be no interferences or intrusions.
Ranma had not spoken a word to anyone since Shampoo had showed up. Many
of those began to wonder why Ranma appeared to be so calm when they all
knew that he could be causing alot of trouble with what he had to say >today.
Ranma knew there would be trouble, several people would be hurt >and others
were going to be confused. Yet he stood in the dojo calmly it >didn't
matter what happened he knew that the one to whom he would finally
reveal his heart would hear what he had to say.
Ranma glanced around the dojo one last time as he prepared to speak. "I
am >glad to see that all who recieved my letter showed up. I would also like
to thank you for being patient, civilised, while you waited. As I said in
my letter I have made my final decision. And by that I mean that I have
decieded to whom I will formally propose to, after that I am no longer and
eliglble bachelor. This means that anyone else who felt that they could
claim me without my consent will have to settle in court with my lawyer. I >am
not joking, I amd not trying a new technique, this is real and this is
final.
The dojo was utterly silent as Ranma steped towards the crowd. He reached
behind his back and pulled out a small black box.
Kneeling on the floor opend the box and spoke into the hidden microfon:
"Will you marry me, Nabiki Tendo?"
_____________________
End
I think the story can be made work without giving much reason for his
decision as long as there is some foreshadowing and some kind of clou at the
end.
-Lars