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First comment: try wrapping your story, as the FAQ
suggests, at between 66 and 74 columns. I read it
just fine, but some people have problems reading
unwrapped text.
Anyways, here's a Ranma fanfic that I'm sure you'll
find either humorous, or downright fuqued up. It's
based on a Guns N' Roses song of the same name. If
you've heard this song then you'll get the joke.
I'm afraid that I'm more of the latter persuasion.
Without your prefactory explanation, I wouldn't have
even noticed any song reference, and this would have
been *ONLY* an exercise in Akane-bashing (or maybe
Ranma-bashing, given how OOC he is). As it is,
it is STILL a fic of this type. I'd suggest, if you
want people to read the story and enjoy the joke, that
you make it a LOT shorter, like about three paragraphs
total. Additionally, there are probably other pairings
you could use which, or non-lethal ways to make the
same joke, which don't leave the same bad taste
in the reader's mouth as murderers getting away
scott-free.
I Used To Love Her...
A not so common Ranma 1/2 fanfic
By Ryo Muhoshida
<clip>
Saffron. Even when he had bested the god and saved the day
for the 104th consecutive time, he had almost lost Akane. He
tried to express his feelings then, but she had done the
unthinkable. She woke up and opened her mouth.
Your meaning is not really clear here. Why "lost Akane"?
As in, she almost died? Your next two sentences suggest
that you mean something else. And why "unthinkable"?
Ranma inwardly cursed. Akane was so sweet and cure as long as
I think you want 'cute', not 'cure'.
she wasn't talking. When she did talk, she would annoy Ranma
without fail. It was as if her voice was a powerful weapon
that could strike even a great martial artist like Ranma down
like a fly.
Besides being way outside canon characterizations, this is
not common even for Akane-bashing fics. (In canon, Ranma
says things which annoy Akane, not vice-versa. Akane
physically strikes Ranma as a response to something he
says.)
Also, there is a discrepancy between "annoy" and "was a
powerful weapon" which you don't explain. If you're
going to take liberties with canon characterization,
it is especially important to be very clear in the
new characterizations you attribute to your characters
(or you will end up just confusing your readers).
You might consider giving one or more examples of this
behavior on Akane's part, rather than just omnisciently
informing the reader that this is true.
Then he had the mallet to deal with. The constant
punishment he endured at her hands would put even the Spanish
conquistadors to shame.
This comparison struck me as odd. The Spanish conquistadors
aren't the first thing that come to MY mind when I thing
about historical examples of great punishment endured (or
given out; the direction of your comparison is probably
the reverse of what you intended), and it would be less
likely to occur to a not-terribly-studious Japanese
teenager. For "endured", how about the Forty Ronin?
For "given out", you might consider the Khmer Rouge for
modern times or various instances of Bakufu suppression
of farmer's revolts in Japan, for historical examples.
Ranma sighed. Not even Ryoga should have to deal with her.
That was the main reason Ranma had sabotaged every chance
Ryoga got to be close to Akane. He didn't want the Lost-boy
to have to endure any more hell than necessary.
Well, that's an innovative interpretation, not to mention
contrary to Ranma's own thoughts at the time(s).
around. The now female Ranma hauled herself out of the pond
and removed her shirt in order to please all the drooling
fanboys, as well as to wring out the saturated article of
clothing. Ranma considered providing yet another fan service
by repeating the action with her pants but thought better of it.
Breaking the fourth wall like this _can_ work, but doesn't,
IMO, here. It's hard to carry off well. In a story of
this length and mood, I wouldn't even try. Also, if you
_must_ try, keep it at "fan service", not "drooling fanboys".
You want to keep the tone very light.
indoors where the rest of the family was gathered. Ranma
narrowed her eyes at Akane; already a terrifically evil plan
forming in her mind.
A semicolon connects two sentence fragments which should
be able to stand alone; the second half of your sentence
above does not have a verb. Suggest "...evil plan
started to form in her mind."
* * *
Dinner came and went as usual. Ranma had gotten a kettle of
<clip>
After dinner, Soun and Genma engaged in yet another game of
I suggest you skip all this and just transition to
the development of Ranma's plan: "After dinner, Ranma
snuck up to Happosai's room..."
watching him. He quietly slid open the door to Happosai's
room and slipped inside; closing the door behind him.
That semicolon should be just a comma.
* * *
Much later that night, Ranma was pretending to be asleep in
his room. He clutched a small pouch to his chest. Turning to
his left, he found his father to be sound asleep. The snoring
that had kept him awake for all those nights would finally be
a welcomed sound.
In canon, Ranma is a very sound sleeper, hard to awaken.
This might be BECAUSE of Genma's snoring, but either way,
"kept him awake..." doesn't really fit (and isn't necessary).
Also, "welcome", not "welcomed".
"Damn that pig. When'd he show up." Ranma quickly covered his
mouth after realizing that he wasn't using internal
monologue.
See above for comments about breaking the fourth wall.
Here, it is particularly unnecessary; all you had to
do was say "..mouth after realizing he'd spoken aloud."
didn't notice it. Being far more observant than his roommate,
While it is canonical that P-chan awakens to middle-of
the-night entrances by Ranma, while Akane doesn't, this
is not the same as "observant". It would be _very_
difficult to think of a character less "observant",
in the usual meaning of the word, than Ryouga.
Ranma motioning for him to come outside. The pig obliged for
once in his life and hopped off the bed without stirring the
sleeping Akane.
Actually, this is not all that unusual for Ryouga.
There are a number of instances in the manga where
P-chan darts off in one panel, and in the next we
see Ryouga sitting and conversing with Ranma.
the bathroom. Ryoga had a grave expression on his face.
"Are you sure you want to do this Ranma?"
Ranma's face mirrored Ryoga's. He nodded in response.
"I have to be free. This is the only way."
"I don't like it Ranma, but I'll go along with it."
Given what we find out later, this is UNBELIEVABLY
out of character for Ryouga. Even late in the
manga, an announced intention by Ranma even to
leave would trigger outrage in Ryouga; earlier
it would trigger opportunism.
"No problem. If it wasn't for you I'd still be pining over
Akane instead of having hot sex with Akari."
- All right, who are you and what have you done
with the real Ryouga? The real Ryouga couldn't
get that phrase out if his life depended on it.
"Speaking of which, why are you here?"
"Uh... I got lost?" Ryoga smiled weakly. Luckily, Ranma
bought it and stood.
And what was this about? You appear to be suggesting
that Ryouga showed up to have sex with/romantically
pursue Akane, but then why leave? I don't follow
the logic your own versions of these characters are
employing.
like that, he thought. He steeled himself again and held out
the pouch he had stolen from Happosai. He pulled on the
drawstring to open it. The string didn't budge. He gritted
his teeth and pulled harder. Yet the string gave no quarter.
Ranma sighed and put the pouch on Akane's nightstand.
He hadn't wanted to resort to using it, but it was his only
option now. He held up the Colt 45 revolver and it glinted in
the pale moonlight like the Reaper's blade.
This description is a bit confusing. After several
readings, I think you mean that Ranma wanted to try
using the contents of the pouch to kill Akane, but
couldn't, so the Colt 45 was his only other option.
So where he get the Colt 45? They're not easy to come
by in Japan. And why is this his only other option?
He's perfectly capable of killing Akane with his bare
hands. Using the revolver hardly seems like the best
way to cast suspicion on Happosai, either.
pillow from the side Akane's bed and placed it over her face.
"..side of Akane's bed.."
He pressed the gun against the pillow, closed his eyes and
pulled the trigger.
Ranma has trained in martial arts his entire life. The
LAST thing he's going to do here is close his eyes; he
has presumably spent years overcoming any impulse to do so
on ANY occasion.
Nine hours later, a teenager with a pigtail was approached by
a flight attendant. She was rather pretty with straight,
shoulder-length black hair. Ranma smiled up at her.
Is there a point to describing the flight attendant?
If so, it escapes me.
back to the newspaper. An article on the front page read:
GIRL MURDERED IN NERMIA. SUSPECT APPREHENDED.
It's "Nerima", not "Nermia".
Early this morning, 17 year old Akane Tendo was found shot
dead in her home in the Nermia district of Tokyo.
If so, how did this story make it into a newspaper on board
an America-bound airplane perhaps four hours after the
body's discovery? The front page, yet!
was apprehended shortly after returning to the scene of the
crime. The police matched the evidence found in the room, a
small pouch with a toxic dust in it, to the suspect, an old
man of indeterminable age. He is now in police custody and
waiting a hearing. No bail has been set as of yet.
BTW, how are the police managing to hold Happosai?
The whole family is distraught over this occurrence and...
Story continued on page A-7.
No mention of the _other_ missing houseguest, the murdered
girl's fiance?
Ranma put the paper on his lap and turned to his companion.
She smiled back at him lovingly.
"Well Ucchan? What'll we do when we reach the United States?"
Ukyo shook her head.
"I have no idea Ranchan. And quite frankly, I don't care. I'm
The two of them left for the U.S. at the drop of a hat,
without any plan at all? <Sarcasm> Well, that's certainly
the first destination _I'D_ think of if I were a penniless
Japanese teenager who spoke, at best, broken English...
I _certainly_ wouldn't consider China; after all, I've
been there before, know a little of the language, and
there's no extradition treaty with Japan... </sarcasm>
back in his seat. "I'll use the Nannichuan water that Mr.
Tendo had been saving for the wedding when we land in Hawaii.
This implies that the failed wedding attempt never happened,
since the water still exists. But Ranma only found out
about the water during the wedding, so how does he know
about it? You don't explain.
"Ranchan. Won't they figure it out when they see that it's gone?"
"Nah. They'll never figure it was me who did Akane in. And if
they do, we'll be long gone."
This is not merely bad strategy, but very bad tactics:
the kind of mistake Ranma seldom or never makes. Akane is
dead by gunshot and Ranma is vanished, and NOBODY is going
to consider that he might have done it? The vanished
Nannichuan does tend to rule out the hypothesis that
Happosai did in Ranma and Ukyou as well, without leaving
any bodies...
"I used to love her... but I had to kill her."
--End--
To summarize: for a one-line joke, you want your readers
to wade through 10 KB or so of bad plotting and
characterization that is not only EXTREMELY non-canon,
but not even consistent with itself: why doesn't
Ranma just leave? Why does he have to kill Akane?
And what is Ryouga's motivation?
And having Ranma get away with murder, and Ukyou
and Ryouga get away with being accessories to it,
leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I'm left with the
impression that you, the author, think Akane so vile
that murder without punishment is well justified.
BUT... you don't give us any examples of behavior
on Akane's part which even come close to justifying
this assessment. For example, many readers nearing
the end of Zen's "The Bitter End" might welcome a
plot development such as yours, given Akane's behavior
there. A hot-blooded manslaughter by Ranma of Akane,
with witnesses, might even have worked as an alternate
ending (NOT a cold-blooded murder, mind you, and I do
not suggest that it would have worked as well as
the actual ending); the readers probably could have
swallowed Ranma getting off. Ranma getting off does
NOT work in your story, however, because we don't
hate Akane enough: if you want us to, you have to
describe misdeed after unprovoked misdeed to us.
IMO, it would have been FAR funnier to write a much
shorter story, and put the punchline into Happosai's
mouth. Something like:
Kodachi (at home): Where are my black silk panties?
I spent so much time preparing them for Ranma, too!
At the Tendo's, Happosai burns something over an
outdoor fire.
Kasumi: Grandfather, why are you burning a pair of
panties? I thought you loved them?
Happosai: I do... But this particular precious
darling is covered in some toxic substance.
I used to love her, but I had to kill her.