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$$Hi, my name is Troy. Comments follow the $$. All comments are in my opinion, so please do not take offense if anything I say seems harsh (which I am definitely not trying to be).
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is owned by Rumiko Takihashi and Viz Video and Gundam
Wing is owned by some other guys, to the point we don't own or claim any of
this. It's all written in fun, so enjoy!
The Devil's Symphony
Written by: Jon Hall
and Greg Housley
please C&C!!!!!!!
$$The very first thing I noticed was the line length. Personally, I wrap lines at a 40 characters length. I think most servers allow around 52 characters per line, but I like to play it safe.
$$The line length for the story is the very first thing which I suggest you fix, because most readers will not read a story, no matter the quality, if the lines read like a flight of stairs. For my own benefit, I'm reformatting the story.
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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: accessdenied1.txt
"Access denied." The figure stood before the doorway puzzled, but only for a moment. The computer voice that had activated had not accepted the code that he had been given to input. The system parameters haven't been changed yet. They only change the pass codes every week so this one should still work. He reached up and punched in the eight-digit code again and waited a second before the voice came back up again. "Access denied." Duo Maxwell scratched his head in slight puzzlement as it only took him no more than a fraction of a second to smile. "Access denied, huh?"
$$I suggest cutting everything in the paragraph before, &&"Access denied." Duo Maxwell scratched his head in slight puzzlement as it only took him no more than a fraction of a second to smile. "Access denied, huh?"&&, or else rewriting whatever is in front, because I could not understand what was happening.
$$Also, you need to drag the reader into the story, (kicking and screaming sometimes) by showing whom Duo Maxwell is. By showing (for this example, I'll use a line of yours' that I like), $$Duo Maxwell scratched his head in slight puzzlement...$$ (I like it because, Duo is shown to be a guy who scratches his head when puzzled), the reader is more involved with the experience, as though he's/ she's there him/herself. Anyway, let's continue.
Duo reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a small device no larger than a miniature rubics cube and hooked it to the keypad. A few steps back and a puff of smoke later, the keypad was obliterated leaving the doorway sliding open to admit the longhaired American. "I got to remember to thank those docs for these things." Duo took another of the devices out of his pocket and kissed it lightly before putting it back into his pocket. The devices were bombs that hardly made a sound as they emitted a heat field so intense that it would cause about the same amount of damage as a regular grenade, given the right setting. He smiled at the recollection.
$$Hmm, there seem to be two different ideas in this one paragraph. Try splitting it apart between the sentences, $$Duo took another of the devices out of his pocket and kissed it lightly before putting it back into his pocket. The devices were bombs that hardly made a sound as they emitted a heat field so intense that it would cause about the same amount of damage as a regular grenade, given the right setting.&&
He had been on Howard^�s ship, the Peacemillion 2 when the docs had been explaining the bombs to him and Wufei, considering that they were the only two gundam pilots that were willing to take up the cause gain. ^�Heh, talk about your Silent But Deadly!^� That remark had earned Duo a slap in the back of the head, to which he still had no idea why. It was just a stupid joke.
$$Okay, I'm completely lost. I have no idea who Howard, the docs, and Wufei are. This is a point I myself should follow (but don't...heh, lazy me), many people who read Ranma 1/2 fanfics do not read outside of those fics. I've never seen Gundam. Although it may sound difficult, you (two) are introducing first time readers to a Gundam fic (like me) to this universe and you need to approach writing a fanfic like an original fic, by introducing every new character you, the writer, come across, so (I) will know who they are.
He was in the Virazin Labs, home of the latest technologies of genetics and mind tampering, as Duo liked to call it. He was fulfilling his second part of the mission. The first part of the mission was to discover if there had been truth to the rumors that there was a gundam being built there in secret. Duo hadn^�t thought so but he agreed to take on the mission just because he missed the excitement. What he had found once he got to the labs made him angry and horrified at the same time.
$$This is an important point I learned myself through (lots of) criticism, show Duo being angried and horrified at the sight in the Virazin Labs. I, the reader, don't feel involved in the story if I'm told Duo is ex cetera and ex cetera every single time he opens a door.
$$I would handle this scene (feel free to use my example, but I'm not sure if it will help) like,
$$Duo looked into the lab, and his smile turned into a grimace. "What the hell?" he said, his stomach turing over in disgust.$$
$$Also, Gundum should be capitalised, since it's a name (all names are capitalised).
He had walked into a large warehouse-sized lab where he found evidence that left him speechless. He had walked over to the line of terminals that had been close to the doorway and began searching through recent documents, or what was left of them. The computers had been totally scrambled, but one piece of information did catch his attention. There had been a shipment of gundanium alloy to the warehouse only a few months ago. Most of the information was scrambled, but duo could definitely make out the order for the large flatbed freight truck used to ship out the materials only days ago.
Hmmm, same type of flat-bed that we used a lot to transport our gundams.
$$Is this a thought? If so, handle it like he was speaking,
$$"Hmmm, same type of flat-bed that we used a lot to transport our gundams." Duo thought.
$$Also, capitalise Gundam (oops, I've been spelling like Gundum. Oh well).
He just couldn^�t believe it. They were really about to start another war! Why else would these people be building gundams? Those idiots. ^�Why can^�t anyone just live in peace anymore? War is not what we need right now, especially without our own gundams to prevent it.^� He then saw out of the corner of his eye a large chunk of metal lying on the ground close to the doorway that he didn^�t see before. He walked over to it and picked it up, immediately recognizing it as gundanium alloy and placed it in his pocket.
$$Hey! I've noticed there isn't a one-line space between paragraphs (grr)! The FFML doesn't like tabs, so seperate each paragraph by one line. It also makes it easier for lazy dorks like me to comment on your work.
Duo still felt the weight of the chunk in his pocket as he walked through the doorway and into a large hall. The fluorescent lighting made it seem gloomy and bare, the simple colors making it look like a prison or mortuary. Doors lined the hallway leading into various laboratories dealing with various genetic experiments. It totally creeped him out. It seemed like a place where someone would find their doom, which was exactly why Death had come. Duo smiled at the thought. What he was looking for was on this floor. He glanced to either side of him and saw a small computer terminal embedded in the wall to his right. He quickly went over to it and began to check through all of the lab descriptions for the floor. He wanted to make sure that nothing else had been changed as well. If a single pass code could be changed in just a few days, then there was no telling what else had changed.
$$There are at least three ideas in this one paragraph. Try playing around with it to see how they can be seperated into three different paragraphs. I would suggest each paragraph have one theme: 1st paragraph, the lab's description (I really like how the lab has been personified by the way); 2nd paragraph, the metaphor of Dup being Death, and the lab's doom (I like it); and 3rd paragraph, Duo's work to destroy the lab.
His eyes began to scan the files as they ran over the computer screen in sequence.
^�C^�mon baby, tell papa you ain^�t gone anywhere since I last checked up on ya.^� It took a few moments to go through the list until he found the one that he was looking for. Duo smiled to himself and, pulling a disk out of his pants pocket he stuck it into the computer. ^�Now let^�s see what we have here.^� He quickly skimmed through the information to see if he was right on the money. Bingo. This was it. ^�And save.^� Duo saved the information to the disk and quickly pulled it back out once it was finished. It was a good thing too, because the alarm chose to go off then.
^�Aw, fuck me.^� He quickly put the disk back into his pocket and ran back to the door from which he had come. He stuck his head out to check his clearance but quickly saw the security guards closing in on his location. ^�Okay, it^�s safe to say that I^�m royally fucked.^� He spun around and started to run down the long hallway. The sound of footsteps closing in caused Duo to stop. ^�Shit, which one, there^�re too many fuckin doors! Lemme see, eeny meeny miney moe. Good enough.^� Duo punched the keypad to the nearest door and jumped through with the door sliding shut behind him.
He sat motionless waiting for the sound of the running steps to fade away. He slowed his breathing down to barely audible, the excitement making him breathe heavily. Once no more sound could be heard, he felt himself sigh in relief. ^�Shew, that was waaay too close.^� He looked around his new surroundings and confusion lit his face with each passing moment. ^�Where..in..the..hell^�?^� Centered in the large room was what looked like a large ice cube in an aquarium-like tank. But that in itself wasn^�t what caused his confusion. Frozen within the large block of ice was what appeared to be a young redheaded girl. Even though the distortion of the ice made it hard to tell any specific details about her, Duo could tell that she was quite attractive.
He slowly walked up to the large tank and began examining the computer vid-screens that surrounded the base of the tank. He punched a few buttons and got the information that he was looking for. From the data that Duo could gather, the girl had been frozen for around four hundred years. ^�Geez, a Stone Age babe!^� He quickly caught notice of one particularly large red button that was simply labeled DO NOT PUSH. ^�They have got to be joking.^� He rolled his eyes and continued to study the data on the large icy specimen, his interest growing as he did. As he read through all of the studies of the frozen girl, he found that he would keep glancing back at the big red button.
$$Heh, this is fine. I find myself smiling as I read.
He looked back up at the girl trapped in the large chunk of ice and noticed something that he didn^�t see before. There at the girl^�s side, frozen in the six foot block of ice was a large staff with a crescent shaped blade at the end. Duo leaned in for a closer look but was startled as the lights began to flicker wildly on the gauges and a large humming sound began to broaden. ^�Uh-oh, what now.^� He looked down just in time to notice his
hand propped up on the big red ^�DO NOT PUSH^� button.
^�Oh shit.^� He stepped back a couple of feet as the light around the ice block began to glow red with melting heat. The audible sound of cracking ice began to echo off the bare room walls. It took only a short moment before the ice cracked into a large puddle of water and the girl within began to start moving. Duo^�s eyes widened as he noticed a small sphere of light begin to form around the girls right hand. ^�This ain^�t good,^� was all he had time to think before the tank shattered and the water gushed out in all directions, completely soaking him. The girl slipped out with the rush of water knocking him to the floor. ^�Hey!^�
It was over in a few short seconds and the only sound that Duo could make was the forced breathing from the girl to the side of him along with her strained coughs. ^�Oh man, my head.^� Duo thought aloud, but felt the air catch in his throat as he realized the pitch was several octaves higher than usual. ^�What the-^� Duo quickly looked down at himself feeling a sense of nausea as he did, something was wrong! He pulled himself up to a sitting position and began to feel at himself. ^�Ahhh, what the-^� Duo could feel the blood drain from his head. ^�I got^�.. Boobs?^� And he was out like a light.
^�Yeah you ain^�t the only one.^� The strange girl said to herself as she finished hacking out the water from her lungs. She looked about her surroundings and was surprised to see that not a damn thing looked familiar, and then glanced over at the small girl lying on the floor next to her unconscious. She would have been cute to the girl if she didn^�t know she was really a guy. Yeah she^�d seen that reaction before. It had been slightly different, followed by a large panda fleeing for it^�s life, but the look on the sleeping girls face had been enough to tell her what had happened. ^�Nian-ni-chuan strikes again.^� She thought distastefully. She reached over and pulled the girl up to a sitting position and began to shake her at her shoulders. ^�Hey! Buddy, wake-up! Hey!^� The girl began to stir within the strange girl^�s hands and finally her eyes began to flutter open. For a brief moment the two stared at each other in silence^� ^�I^�ve got boobs.^� The girl announced, still in a state of shock. ^�Yes and a nice pair at that, but look you^�re gonna have ta help me here.^� The girl simply blinked. ^�For starters you can tell me where we are.^�
$$Just some questions, would Ranma (I assume) know what has happened? What would Ranma feel like after spilling out of a big tank filled with some odd liquid, groggy, nausous (nasous? naosous? err, sick?)? Is she even clothed? Also, Gundam readers might not know who Ranma is...
Duo-chan slipped out from the strange redhead^�s grasp and took a second to think. ^�We^�re in sector 827A of Virazin labs, genetics department^�^� Duo replied with a
somewhat distant tone.
^�Uh-huh,^� Was the only way the girl could think to respond. ^�And^� Okay, so how did I get here and how long have I been in that chunk of ice?^�
^�From what I could tell, somewhere around four hundred years, and I have no idea why you^�re here.^�
^�Four^� Hundred^� Y-years?^� The girl felt her heart catch in her throat. ^�I^�ve been frozen for four...hundred....years?^�
The redheaded girl slowly stood up and walked a few feet away, mildly mumbling something to which Duo couldn^�t quite make out. She began to rise to ask a few of her own questions when there was the familiar beeping sound of her watch.
^�Duo..? What^�s goin on in there? You^�ve got to get out as fast as you can. There^�s soldiers closing in on you and I mean fast!^�
$$Huh? Did Ranma say dat?
Duo acknowledged the new information and caught the still mumbling redhead by her shoulder. ^�Look, I^�d like to help you out, really, but we^�re not in the most safest of situations right now. So if you don^�t mind, what do ya say we get the hell outta here?^�
The redhead solemnly turned and nodded, and proceeded to pick up the crescent bladed staff that had fallen out beside her. They quickly made their way to the door to the lab and duo looked out the window to see if there was any security still close by. When she was sure the coast was clear, she opened the door and motioned for the redhead to follow her.
They followed along the hallway and exited out the door from which Duo had first entered in through. She craned her neck around the corner of the door and suddenly heard another beep from her watch. ^�There^�s no one there, just keep going down the hallway to your left and make a right at the corridor labeled 736B, you^�ll be clear beyond that point. Take the stairs to the loading docks and we^�ll pick you up at the rendezvous. Over and out.^�
Duo-chan glanced up and smiled as he saw the camera pointed in their direction. She then looked back at the redhead who still followed closely behind and cracked a smile.
^�Hildi; gotta love her.^� The redhead simply shrugged and they began to make their way on the route made out by Hildi.
$$Who is Hildi?
Their escape went unchallenged as they quickly made their way through the abandoned halls. Duo led the girl down the designated course until finally reaching the stairway Hildi had mentioned and they made their descent to the first floor.
It wasn^�t long before the two girls stood at the bottom of the stairway looking out into the large room that served as the loading docks. Only a handful of people was visible and all seemed preoccupied with their own business. Duo looked back at the girl and winked. ^�Just play it cool and act natural with me, then were outta here and it^�s smooth sailing, got it?^� The girl simply nodded. ^�Good, now follow my lead.^�
They walked out into the room with a mild yet determined pace. Duo found herself looking out of the corner of her eyes scanning to see if anyone had taken notice. Astonishingly enough, no one had. Duo smiled to herself and continued her pace through the loading docks. Crates upon crates consumed the docks for thirty or so feet before the ramp descended to the streets of the city. Duo creeped through the lines of crates that blocked the view to the other loaders, but when an opening came up in between the crates, she just walked with a confidence as if she belonged there. She glanced back behind her once to see if the redhead was still following and was surprised to see the calm expression that the redhead wore.
Finally they reached the ramps and quickly made their way down to the street. Duo quickly glanced aound to get her bearings and then motioned for her companion to follow. "This way. The rendezvous should be a short distance away, so it won't take long to get there." They began to run down the street at a slow pace, just to make the trip quicker than just walking. Duo's gait heightened as she remembered what she had on her. The weight of the gundanium banged into her leg as she ran down the street.
She felt down in her shirt and smiled even bigger as she felt the small disk still in there.
But then her hand felt one of the newly acquired breasts and her mood went downhill just as quickly as it had gone up just moments before. "Why me?"
The redhead, on the other hand, seemed to follow at a distant pace, her mind on other things. Like maybe the four hundred years she^�s missed out on, Duo-chan thought to herself. She kept glancing at the crescent bladed staff that she still clutched in her hand protectively. For a second, Duo thought that she caught a flash of anger in the redhead^�s, but she didn^�t think to ask about it, because they had reached the rendezvous.
As the two girls waited for the pickup, Duo finally took notice of what the girl wore.
A red chinese shirt and black pants that looked like they had seen better days from the rips and tears all throughout the material. Plus the fact that the whole outfit looked like it was way too big for her anyway. She just stood against the fence behind Duo and stared at the staff, moving her free hand along the blade, a tiny droplet of blood forming at her fingertip. ^�Hey, you^�re gonna hurt yourself with that thing!^� But as Duo watched, the droplet of blood fell to the ground, shattering in small icy slivers.
The redhead raised her cut finger and stared at it for the longest of time before looking back up at Duo-chan. ^�It has the power to freeze. That^�s how I was frozen in the block.^� Duo just simply stared back at the girl as she looked back down at the staff and began to whisper something to herself. Duo slowly turned around to face the street, her face toward the sidewalk. She looked at her watch and saw that it was almost time for the pickup.
Just then a large brown van pulled up to the curb in front of Duo.
She looked up in time to look into the eyes of Hildi and Lucretia Noin. Duo looked back at the redhead as she distantly stared back. ^�You comin?^� Both Hildi and Noin looked at each other and at Duo with astonished expressions. ^�Who are you?^� Hildi took on a mad expression and advanced on Duo. ^�I said ^�who are you?^� ^� Duo backpedaled a few steps before stopping Hildi short. ^�It^�s me, Duo! Who in the hell else would it be, Hildi?^� The dark-haired girl only grew even more impatient. ^�Duo is not a girl, for one thing. And where did you get his clothes? What have you done with him, you bitch?!^�
^�Now calm down, lady. I don^�t know who you think I am but there^�s only one person that I could be and that^�s Duo Maxwell.^� Duo-chan^�s voice took on a more serious tone as she progressed. ^�Besides, Hildi, who else would know about the time that you smuggled all of that information off of Libra just to help out us Gundam pilots?^� Hildi stood frozen in her tracks. She didn^�t know what to think. What the hell^�s going on? She thought to herself. A small snicker could be heard behind her as Noin assessed the situation a little quicker than Hildi. Duo only grit her teeth and clenched a fist at hearing the laughter.
Finally Hildi stammered herself back to slight sanity. ^�Wh..what happened to you?^�
Duo-chan looked at the ground shyly, clenching both of her fists. ^�I don^�t know yet, but I^�m gonna find out.^� Duo looked over to where the redheaded girl was staring at them with an only half-distant expression. Hildi looked over the girl for only a second before turning to Duo again. ^�And who^�s the red?^� Duo^�s gaze never left the girl, whose own eyes had shifted back to the crescent-bladed staff in her hands. The words that came out of her mouth were too low for any of the company to hear, the tone itself reaching their ears told them that the words were longing and tearful. ^�I^�ll tell you on the way back.^� Duo said finally.
^�You found her where?!^� Hildi^�s voice had risen up to another peak and could have shaken the van were it not for the van already vibrating from the motion that is was currently in. Noin had been driving with the other three passengers in the cargo area of the van. The outburst started only moments after the van had begun its motion. Duo had to backpedal a little more, also, waving her hands in front of her in defense. ^�Whoa, Hildi, take it easy for a second, would ya?^� Hildi dropped her voice to a hoarse whisper.
^�She might have been one of those genetic experiments that the lab was cooking up.
She might be dangerous or worse, and enemy.^� Duo-chan scratched her head, looking up in thought. ^�Well she doesn^�t look like a genetic experiment, does she?^�
$$"She might be dangerous or worse, an enemy.^�
Duo looked at the redhead, who was sitting quietly in the back corner of the van, still clutching the staff in her arms. Her eyes seemed glued to the side of the van, as if staring off into space.
^�Besides,^� Duo continued, leaning back against the side of the van with her arms behind her head, ^�I think I saved her life.^� Hildi sat motionless as Duo went on. ^�She was being studied at those labs, Hildi, not created. And from what I read of the data on the studies, it looked like she had been in that ice block for over four hundred years.^�
Hildi^�s eyes moved over to the girl in the corner once again to find her in the same position as before, staring at the wall. ^�But who is she?^�
Duo looked back at Hildi for a second and then to the redhead in the corner. ^�You know, I forgot to ask her in all of the rush to get out of that place.^� Duo-chan moved back to where the redheaded girl sat staring at the wall and sat down in front of her. Her eyes focused on Duo as she sat. Hildi was close behind Duo and sat down against the opposite wall as the girl. Duo was the first to speak. ^�Hey, red. I^�m just curious, since I forgot to ask you earlier when we were out of the labs, but what^�s your name?^� The girl stared at him quietly before looking down at the staff in her lap. ^�I^�m Ranma Saotome.
Sorry about all this.^�
$$History once again repeats itself. Although I must say I am intriged (intriged? Ah forget it! interested) by this chapter. I must say, write more!
As an overall impression, I believe with some work (I got a feeling this effort was rushed), you (two) could have something. You do need to remember the FFML's line limit (52 characters) and the FFML's distaste for tabs, and you could get a lot more readers.
As a last thought, the story started slowly, but it did pick up as it progressed. In fact, the second half of the story was much better than the first part, but I really wasn't looking for continuity mistakes as much as I was for grammatical ones.
Anyway, I wish you two luck, and wish you a good day,
Troy
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