charset="iso-8859-1"
X-archive-position: 17193
X-listar-version: Listar v0.128a
Sender: ffml-bounce@fanfic.com
Errors-To: ffml-bounce@fanfic.com
X-original-sender: bert.miller@unisys.com
Precedence: bulk
X-list: ffml
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
X-MIME-Autoconverted: from quoted-printable to 8bit by ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu id
MAA12677
[The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set]
[Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set]
[Some characters may be displayed incorrectly]
Nevermind this corny title, but kind of a romantic original fic.
Given recent traffic on the list, I suppose I should
answer the question, why did I decide to comment on
THIS fic? One reason is the length: it's short.
I honestly don't think that much of this fic, but I did
read it all the way through (which I often don't do if
a fic doesn't interest me), mainly because of the unusual
narrative strategy: a play. Script fics often don't
have a specific _type_ of script in mind: play, screenplay,
whatever, but _this_ one claims to be specifically a
play. This means (grin, rubbing hands) that it can
be judged as a play (and I've read a few of those).
What Is This Thing Called Love...
A Fantasy play
Most of your readers, if they've read any plays at
all, have probably read Shakespeare. With this in
mind, you probably don't need the word "Fantasy".
Cast of Characters:
Velnea - daughter of King Phileas and Amazon of the Freganal Jungles
King Philea - King of Alumen and father of Velnea
Lysander - Prince of the nation of Amn
Gabriev - the gardener
You don't need this list, either. You have each
character introduce themselves, or the others, at
their first appearance on stage. If you want to
set the scene specifically, you might try a spoken
prelude, or a "Narrator" character (like in "Our
Town").
Scene 1
Act 1, Scene 1.
(A ceremony has taken place in the Grand Palace. The King is
seated on his throne, while the nobles and the public is in
the Grand Hall.
I think the norm is for scene descriptions to be in present
tense. And, for a play (as opposed to a screenplay), you want
to be somewhat sketchy with stage details, as these are the
main way in which one play director differentiates herself
from the next. Example: "Enter King, Chancellor, Nobles,
and Public. King seats himself at center rear, facing audience.
Chancellor stands to left of and slightly in front of King.
Nobles and Public stand with sides to audience, facing King."
King Phileas was a noble old man that was dressed in royal
clothes and an elaborate crown on his head.
Unnecessary (in a play). Appropriate for screenplay or normal
story.
The preparations and d�cor were seemed to be celebrating
an arrival of a person.
The royal chancellor stomped his staff to gain everybody's
attention to announce his message.)
Chancellor: Order! Order! King Phileas has an announcement!
Most of this is wrong; you want to Chancellor to SAY all
this. Ex:
(The Nobles and People converse in low tones. The Chancellor
stomps his staff. The Nobles and People stop talking
and listen attentively.)
Chancellor : People and Nobles of the Kingdom of Alumen!
King Philea bids you welcome!
King Philea: Ladies, gentlemen, my people! This day has brought
happiness to me, pulled me from my sadness, and made rejoice!
..made me rejoice!
Henceforth, to this day, I present you to this day, my
daughter Velnea!
I present to my people today, for the first time, my royal
daughter Velnea, with whom I have been reunited after a
long separation!
(Give the entire situation up front, in the character's
speeches.)
(A grand door opens, revealing ladies-in-waiting coming through. They
laid flowers upon the tapestry on the floor to honor the
arriver. Then, a female stepped out of the door.)
Chancellor: Her Highness, the princess, Velnea!
(The figure revealed to be a young woman. She had blonde
hair tied to a
ponytail, and had a firm but beautiful face. Velnea had a strong and
lean build, with some scars that showed some signs of battles
fought long
ago. She was wearing a scarlet and brass Amazon armor that
signifies a
high authority that Velnea has attained for her deeds.)
In a play (again, as opposed to a story or screenplay),
you need not give ANY of these particulars, except possibly
with respect to items of dress.
Velnea: Hail to all!
I assume the point of this is to alert us that Velnea
is an assertive personality?
Public: Hail princess!
King Phileas: Let the feasting begin!
Scene 2
(A week later since Velnea's stay in the palace, there had been slight
arguments between King Phileas wanting Velnea to be in marriage so he
could have an heir to the throne. Velnea refused, seeing that all men
were useless to her.
No. You can say "Scene 2: One week later". THEN, you have Velnea
refer to the fact, in her first speech, that this is the umpteenth
discussion of this sort the two have had since her arrival.
This talk that is taking place in the garden is no strange
matter. Velnea, still in her battle garb, and her father are
walking around the garden, talking.)
Ex: "Scene 2: One week later, the palace garden.
Enter King and Velnea. Velnea is still dressed in battle garb.
King: Look at the suitors, aren't they good-looking for you?
Is this intended to make the King sound illiterate? If so,
well and good. Otherwise: "Look at all your suitors! Are
none of them good-looking?"
Velnea: Yes, and leering at me with their perverted gazes...
King: Come now daughter, why must you be so offended of men?
"..offended by men?"
Velnea: That is easy. Men treat women like jewelry and
breeding animals
to fill their lust instead of treating them as equals.
King: Well, not all men are like that...
Velnea: You still cannot convince me.
King: Ah... I have such a stubborn child.
Velnea: That you do. (laughs humorously)
Is it appropriate, or intentional, for Velnea to laugh her
if the King has not? Or do you want to give a stage
direction for the King as well?
(Suddenly, Prince Lysander, from the nation of Amn, comes in.
Lysander was the most handsome man in the nation of Amn. He
was dressed in a noble suit that furthers his charming looks.
But those charming looks seem to not affect Velnea. Lysander
has his eyes set at Velnea.)
Ex. "Enter Lysander stage right.
King: Ah, 'tis Prince Lysander of Amn, the most handsome
and eligible bachelor of his land."
Lysander: Your Highness, it is an honor to meet you.
Lysander (clearly looking Velnea over): Your Highness,
it is so nice to see you again.
(Since the King must introduce Lysander to Velnea,
it is necessary that this NOT be their first meeting.
In fact, it can't be, or it would be VERY against any
royal protocol I've ever heard of for this guy to be
walking up to them like this.)
King: Ah, Lysander. How are you these days?
Lysander: Fine your Majesty. (looks at Venlea and smiles) You have a
beautiful daughter your Majesty.
King: Yes I do, as long she doesn't bite you first.
Lysander: It is an honor to meet such a beautiful maiden.
(Lysander tries to reach Velnea's hand to kiss it, but Velnea
pulls her hand away.)
Velnea: Keep your hands away from me.
Lysander: (feeling embarrassed) uh... well... ahem ... it's nice to
meet you.
King: I'll leave.
Velnea: (angry) Farewell Lysander.
Lysander: Farewell.
You should supply a stage direction here. Does Lysander
leave with the King? After him? In a different direction?
Given that you want a soliloquy next, you probably want
Velnea to follow her father out.
Lysander: (In thought) That beauty, that fiery one, oh I must
have her!
A lot more interesting than all the other peacocks I've met.
Her armor
impresses her bodily beauty! If she's really an Amazon,
imagine what she
would do in bed. She is exotic, and I like it! Like a
tigress in need
of taming, and I shall tame her! She will be mine!
This is NOT in thought; you can't DO thought in a play.
This is a soliloquy, spoken aloud to himself, while alone
on stage.
(Somewhere in the garden, Velnea realizes the gazes the she
was receiving from all the other men.
This is either the next scene, or Lysander exits abruptly
after his soliloquy and Velnea reenters. And, if there
are other men present (need there be? Why not just give
Velnea a soliloquy where she expresses her frustration
with gazes she has been receiving?), you need to give
stage directions for them.
Then, she notices a young man that seemed to be
the only man that is not fixated on her. He seems to be busy with his
gardening. She approaches the gardener.)
This suggests that you do NOT want other men present. You
want Velnea to re-enter the stage from a different direction
from where Lysander left it, to have a brief soliloquy
while standing to one side of center stage, then
have the gardner enter from the side Lysander left,
bent over and gardening.
Velnea: What is your name gardener? You seem to be the only
man who is not affected by my presence.
(The gardener looks up. He had a boyish face and build. His face was
partially covered with dirt. He smiled as a greeting and started to
speak.)
Gabriev: I have to prepare the garden for the coming winter.
Gabriev (looking up and smiling): I have to prepare the garden
for the coming winter.
Velnea: Ah. You care for the garden as if they were your own.
Gabriev: Yes your Highness.
Velnea: Would you like to be friends?
Gabriev: Okay. As you wish Velnea.
Is this deliberate, to have a gardner address the Princess so
familiarly? If so, you might want to have it be drawn out:
Gabriev (aside): Friends? With a Princess?
Gabriev (to Velnea): As you wish, ...Velnea.
If not, the Princess ought to be visibly taken aback by his
presumption, before deciding that it is okay with her.
Velnea: Hey, that's a good start!
Gabriev: (chuckles) Do you like to play chess?
Velnea: Of course I do!
Scene3
Castle of Amn
(Meanwhile, Lysander is pondering on the new specimen he had just met:
Velnea. He had refused other maidens and had sight on the amazon
princess. He sits on his throne, pondering on how he could be able to
capture Velnea's heart.)
Servant: There are two maidens that request your attention Sire.
Here you want to reveal the above information to the audience
by a brief conversation between the servant and the maid, perhaps
on the front of the stage while Lysander sits at the rear.
Lysander: Send those boring hags outside; they are not worthy of my
attention.
Servant: Yes Sire. (bows and leaves)
Lysander: Maid, how goes the wooing, presents, letters and all?
Maid: (curtsies) So far, the fair Princess Velnea has not responded.
Lysander: Away, maid.
Maid: Yes Sire. (leaves)
Lysander: (In thought) Oh! That beauty of an Amazon still eludes me!
Why? Am I not worthy enough for her? She is a tigress, a huntress,
stubborn to admit her love for me, but soon she fall to my clutches of
love! I shall be her savior of love, her greatest lover than
any other suitor of the realms! She will be mine, oh yes she will be
mine!
(Ah... excuse the megalomania exhibited in the play. It's
unintentional, really. I think.)
In a play, you often need more bombastic speech than would
otherwise be appropriate. At any rate, don't make excuses.
Scene 4
The Gardener's Quarters
(Four days have passed, and Velnea and Gabriev have begun to know each
other. They are now sitting near a table playing chess, and
with great competitiveness.)
Gabriev: It is now four days since we met, Velnea. What
do you say to that?
Velnea: Checkmate.
Gabriev: Whoa! That was the eighth loss! How ever did you
learn how to play?
Velnea: Tzung's Art Of War. (This book is not real, nor has
anything to do with Sun Tzu.)
Gabriev: So, you use your skill of war in chess?
Velnea: Exactly.
Gabriev: Wow. Tell me, how did you become an Amazon?
Velnea: My father left me behind during the Succession Wars
when I was a baby, thinking I was dead.
Which raises the question of where her mother is.
Then a stranger who was actually a respected
Amazon took me and raised me to become a fighter. I trained different
I trained in different
battle techniques and became the strongest Amazon, and a highly sought
mercenary. Every realm wanted me to fight for their cause,
but they had useless causes. Most of causes were petty, so I only carried
out a few operations. But father's realm held a reasonable cause. The
realm
wanted peace throughout all of the Realms. So, I joined
Father's army of loyal Peacekeepers, and found out he was my father.
Sometimes he always asked for forgiveness although I already forgave him.
Gabriev: Wow. That's some tale.
Velnea: Hmmm?
Gabriev: You're a lot exciting and fun than any other girls I've met.
..a lot more exciting and fun..
Velnea: Really? (interested in Gabriev's compliment)
Gabriev: Sure! Oh yeah, another game! I have still yet to
gain my 3rd
win!
Velnea: (chuckled at Gabriev's declaration of challenge) I accept your
challenge.
Scene 5
The Finale
"The Finale" is not a stage direction. WHERE is this scene
set?
(Velnea and Gabriev became close friends. Every night, Velnea would
sneak out, interrupt Gabriev's sleep, and would play chess with him.
Gabriev charmed Velnea, well... unnoticeably, with his storytelling.
Velnea would come and help Gabriev with his gardening while
teaching him
the martial art.
Meanwhile, Lysander had noticedall of this, and was
feeling great jealousy.
ESPECIALLY if you're writing a play, you need to SHOW us
all this. I recommend: one more short scene, set in the
garden one week after scene 4. Gabriev needs to tell the
audience that Velnea is sneaking out and waking him up to
play chess with him. Lysander needs to enter, hide behind
a bush or something, and spy on the two, showing his
jealousy, possibly by soliloquy after Velnea and Gabriev
have left.
Lysander is now hiding outside of the Palace.)
And this is then Scene 6.
Lysander: (In thought) No doubt that villainous gardener had
bewitched my
love. He is a dark sorceror I say! That villain seduced the
fair maiden
with his spells and potions, and no doubt will he spawned his
cursed seed
in her! This cannot go further...
(Door opens and closes)
Lysander: Hark! She comes out to meet the villain! I will call the
guards, no, the King himself!
( Lysander bursts into the palace to alert the King.)
Lysander pounds on a door.
Lysander: (frantic) King! Dark sorcery is loose! Your
daughter has been 'napped!
"'napped!"? Why not just "kidnapped"? Or "ensorceled"?
(The door opens and the King enters, rubbing his eyes.)
King: What's this I hear? Speak and make sense, you are
interrupting me from my sleep.
Lysander: Follow me sire! Your gardener is making beast with your
daughter! He has put a spell on her!
"Making beast"? How about "making his way"? Or "making away"?
King: (worried) My daughter? Guards, guards! Help, ho! Seek out the
gardener! Save my daughter!
Guards: Yes sire!
(Meanwhile in the gardener's cabin, Velnea and Gabriev are
near the table playing another round of chess.)
Scene 7: The gardner's cabin.
Velnea: Checkmate. (feeling very smug)
Gabriev: That's the 40th time you've beaten me!
Velnea: How very observant are you.
Gabriev: Another game! I still have confidence in my skill!
Velnea: Another game then! (amused and excited)
Narrator: Suddenly, guards burst in the cabin, arresting the gardener.
Since you haven't had a narrator before, this should probably
be a stage direction.
Guards: By the Law of the King, you are under arrest!
Gabriev: W-w-w-what's going on? Velnea?
Velnea: Guards! What is happening?
Lysander: Why Princess, he has bewitched you...
Velnea: YOU!
Lysander: Yes fair maiden, it is I! I have saved (WHAM) OW!!!
Narrator: Hearing this, Velnea punches Lysander.
Same here.
Velnea: You cur, how dare you!
King: Oh Velnea, thank the gods that you are all right!
Velnea: Father!
King: (Worried) Gabriev, what have you done to my daughter? Why?
Gabriev: All I did was play a few chess games with her...
Velnea: I shall tell the truth father. Gabriev and I were friends for
"..have been friends.."
over a month. But then suddenly, I started to fall in love
Given the accusation, I think "suddenly" is not a good choice
of word here.
with him. I
love him father. He's unlike any other suitor; he treats me
as a friend
instead of an object.
Gabriev: (shocked) V-V-V-Velnea? You're in love with me?
Velnea: Yes...
King: (sighs) I approve of this engagement. I'm proud of you,
son-in-law.
That was quick. Why? Would you mind telling us?
Velnea: Did you hear that? I am filled with happiness!
Gabriev: Uurk... hack... uh... can't breathe...
Velnea: Oh, sorry.
King: Guards, escort Prince Lysander to the exit. I need my sleep.
Guards: Yes sire!
(The guards "escort" Lysander out.)
Lysander: NO! I deserve her! She should be mine! I must
have... (fade out)
( Gabriev and Velnea married and had healthy babies. Yes,
it's a happy ending, so now go home! The end.)
I suggest giving the King an ending speech to the effect
that they WILL get married and have healthy children,
and that it therefore IS a happy ending.
In general: technically, the play format needs some
work. You appear to have trouble with English tenses,
so I suggest a proofreader. Bad grammar may be okay,
in a play, if you WANT the character to come off as
badly educated. But the King shouldn't come off that
way.
And WHY did you pick the play format? While it interested
me as a critical challenge, I see no particular reason
for choosing this format in your material.
As a story, it's too short and there isn't enough conflict
to be interesting. You ended it about where it should
have just been getting started: the King should be
angry with Velnea, taking Lysander's side, AND he should
be trying to mend her amazon ways. THEN you'd
have a lot of material with which to work.
Naturally, all opinions are only mine, and offered
with the best of intentions.