Help me, please, by giving me C&C on this. I've been trying to give more
C&C of my own, but God only knows if I've been successful, but, anyways,
please give me C&C.
Thank you.
Haven't seen this done this way before. Strange twist, if you ask
me.
Haven't posted in a while. Strange occurrence, if you ask me.
Haven't stopped thinking about this idea for a while. Strange
scheisse, if you ask me.
***
I tried a first person voice this time. I haven't done this before,
so tell me what you think, and,
hopefully...
Enjoy!
As always, C&C is appreciated, flames are tolerated, the weak are
inundated, and graves are
desecrated.
That's just the way things work here. Get used to it.
***
I leapt out of the water, yelping in surprise. Falling through the
air like a twenty-five pound bag of
Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup, my feet landed hard on the ground, when I
lost my
balance, and the rest of my body joined them in the dirt.
That just doesn't happen to a martial artist.
That Darn Transsexual!
By: A Depraved Sociopath With Psychotic Tendencies
Of course, as I hit the ground face-first, I felt padding where
there hadn't been padding before.
Breasts.
I yelped, on my feet and racing back to the pool instantaneously.
Checking my reflection, I
smiled. "Shit."
Having expressed the situation I found myself in, I sat down next to
the pool and contemplated
WHY it was shit. 'One minute, I'm a male martial artist, and the next...'
My train of thought was
interrupted when the one part of my body that was not in shape cramped up.
After the headache subsided, I attempted to ascertain what type of
shit that situation was
comprised of. After all, you do have to warm up before exercise.
Especially when you haven't used your brain for at least three years. But I
digress. Starting out small, with the type of shit I was in, I attempted to
utilize that muscle that no one knew I possessed.
Have you ever heard of the American space shuttle Challenger? Yeah,
that's about how much
success I had.
While I waited for the smoldering debris in my cranium to cool, I
noticed a strange man walking
towards me with a little girl by his side. As they approached, I noticed
that the man had a shirt that said
'Jusenkyo guide: If you find yourself cursed, or have any other questions,
ask me!' printed on it in big,
black letters.
My brain was still MIA, so I asked the guy "Hey, are you a Jusenkyo
guide? I may be cursed; can
You help me? Do you have any other information pertinent to Jusenkyo?"
When I woke up, I had a splitting headache. The size of the lump on
my head attested to how
much I had annoyed the Jusenkyo guide.
Yeah, it hurt.
As soon as I felt that I could sit up without fainting, I sat up.
Then I fainted.
I awoke again that night, with another headache, as can be expected
when one is hit with
A transdimensional hammer. 'How,' I'm sure you're wondering, 'did he get
hit with a transdimensional
hammer?' Easy: the Jusenkyo guide warped it in. You see, extremely potent
feelings of hate or of
annoyance have an adverse affect on the space-time continuum. By the same
rule in which gravity affects
the space-time continuum - according to Einstein - these feelings create a
fold, which allows any of a
number of different objects to be called forth. Most of the time, in
situations where this happens, a mallet
is called forth; however, it is not unheard of for someone to use a baseball
bat or golf club. There are even
some well-documented cases of a 1957 Buick LeSabre being used.
But, again, I digress.
As I was saying. My head throbbed, and flat refused to quit, even
as I begged it to do so. Of
course, having a concussion the likes of which had never been seen before, I
didn't realize that I was
actually speaking out loud, and the Jusenkyo guide slowly edged away from
me, keeping himself in
between his daughter and me.
I'm still not sure why, but I had the sudden craving for raw little
girl meat. Growling, I hunched
on all fours, and growled at the two fearful, tender, juicy, barbecue
cutlets looking to escape.
"Please no eat girl!"
Damn. He had found my only weakness. Asking me not to.
"Fine," I said, crossing my arms across my chest and pouting. "What
else is there to eat?"
For some reason, an extremely, exorbitantly large sweat drop fell
from his head. I completely
forgot to ask about it, though, when I realized that I had breasts again.
Thinking quickly, the guide mallet-ed me again while I was
distracted with the fleshy orbs on my
chest.
I woke up again, in the same place as before, but this time I did
not have the strange voices in my
head telling me to eat 'little girl meat' and to 'think bule count one tow,'
whatever that means. A short
aside, if you'll allow it: once in a while, these voices come back to haunt
me, and I lose all control of my
body. So, if, for some reason, I start to ramble incoherently, or babble on
and on about the same thing for a
long time, or even become extremely strange, do not be alarmed. It is just
the disembodied voices telling
me things again. And yes, these 'episodes' will be left in the book.
That's because I don't like to
proofread. A proofreader attacked me when I was a child, and I've been
afraid of proofreaders - and
proofreading in general - ever since.
Anyway, I woke up. We've covered that part. I looked around to see
that I was in the same place,
the Jusenkyo guide and his little girl were still making dinner, and the
walls weren't telling me to wake up
the dragons. I groggily shook the cobwebs out of my brain and put my hand
to my throbbing head.
This sudden action precipitated the startled jumps of both Chinese
people in the room.
I jumped as well, not expecting the two to jump, and that, in turn,
caused them to jump again.
My headache caught up with me about that time, and I grimaced,
doubling over and clutching my
Head.
"I sorry, but you try eat Plum."
I heard what the Jusenkyo guide had said, but I did not understand
it. I asked "Huh?" and
Regretted it as my head throbbed again.
"You try eat Plum," he said matter-of-factly.
"No, thanks, I'm in too much pain to eat right now." I laid back
down, hoping that the darkness
creeping into my field of vision would claim me once again.
I couldn't see what was happening, of course, but I got the distinct
feeling that both Chinese
People had confused looks on their faces. "No, Plum my daughter. You try
eat her."
"Can I?" I asked in jest. Where I mustered up enough strength and
presence of mind to actually
make a dry remark like that I have no idea, but I did.
Apparently, the Chinese don't have as great an appreciation of dry
humor as I do. Plum ran
Screaming from the house, sending more sinusoidal waves of anguish through
my head. I groaned, and
Croaked "It was a joke," before I curled up into the fetal position and
waited for death.
After several minutes of waiting, the Jusenkyo guide gently probed
my quivering body by poking
it violently with a sharp stick. I gently Stretched out on the bed, careful
to not jar my brain case, and
quietly asked "Yes?"
"I sorry about Plum, but she not take kindly to being eaten. Scared
of it. You alright?"
I rolled my eyes in what I hoped was an exasperated way. I then
realized the complete and utter
Uselessness of my action, opened my eyes, and repeated it. This time it had
the desired effect.
"Ok, so you not alright. How you feel about being girl, then?"
I answered unconsciously. "I'm a boy."
There was a slight pause. "No, you a girl."
I took a couple of seconds, located the relevant information, called
it up. Scanning over my fall
Into the pool of water and the events that followed, I sighed. <Great,> I
thought, <this is just great. I may
As well make sure...> I reached down to my chest and...<Yup, I'm a girl.>
The guide was shocked as the author stopped this installment of the
story without going anywhere,
but only writing exposition.
++++++
A Depraved Sociopath with Psychotic Tendencies