C&C Below. No snippage.
[Author's comments ignored]
I Used To Love Her...
A not so common Ranma 1/2 fanfic
By Ryo Muhoshida
* * *
"Ranma 1/2" is owned by Rumiko Takahashi.
"I Used to Love Her" is copywritten by Axl Rose
gram: copyright Axl Rose
(Copywrite means to write the words in an advertisement.)
of Guns N' Roses. I'm not making money off
this, so please don't sue.
* * *
Please add some white space between your section breaks and
paragraphs. An extra carriage return makes it twice as legible.
Ranma Saotome sat alone on the roof of the Tendo family's dojo. His
face was set in an uncharacteristic expression of deep concentration.
He thought back to the battle with Saffron. Even when he had bested the
god and saved the day for the 104th consecutive time, he had almost
lost Akane. He tried to express his feelings then, but she had done the
unthinkable. She woke up and opened her mouth.
Ranma inwardly cursed. Akane was so sweet and cure as long as she
sp: cute
wasn't talking. When she did talk, she would annoy Ranma without fail.
This I can deal with....
It was as if her voice was a powerful weapon that could strike even a
great martial artist like Ranma down like a fly. Then he had the mallet
to deal with. The constant punishment he endured at her hands would put
even the Spanish conquistadors to shame. No man should have to go
through what he went through on a daily basis, Ranma thought. It just
wasn't worth it.
....this, however, sounds like the cliched fanfic-Akane. Why not get
rid of the cliches and just focus on Akane's voice? Or her speaking?
After all, Akane was nice to Ranma when she "woke up and opened her
mouth" after the fight with Saffron, so it can't just be the insults
that annoy him.
Ranma sighed. Not even Ryoga should have to deal with her. That was the
main reason Ranma had sabotaged every chance Ryoga got to be close to
Akane. He didn't want the Lost-boy to have to endure any more hell than
punc: Lost Boy
(Drop the hyphen)
necessary. Of course, with all the time spent as P-chan, Ryoga probably
knew that. It would explain his sudden switch to Akari.
Ranma abruptly stood with a determined look in his eye. He stuck out
his chest and assumed a dramatic pose.
"No more! I'll free myself and date whomever I wanna!" he boldly
suggest: date whoever I want!
(Ranma wouldn't use "whom.")
proclaimed with a fire of passion in his eyes. He stuck his chest out
even more and threw his arms to his sides in traditional madman
fashion. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Cute. :j
Ranma's laughter was interrupted as Akane yelled to him from somewhere
suggest: called to him
(You yell *at* people.)
on the porch.
"What was that Ranma? Did you say something?" Ranma visibly cringed.
punc: that, Ranma?
(When addressing a person, set their name of with commas.)
The action caused him to lose his footing on the tile and fall off the
roof and face-first into the pond.
It would be a neat trick falling off the dojo into the pond;
it's next to the house, a separate building. Suggest you put
him on the roof of the house, instead.
Ranma's first thought after his sex change was that roof tiles were not
meant to walk on when kawaiikune tomboys were around. The now female
suggest: uncute tomboys
(As an English fanfic, it's always best to use English words.
Arbitrarily dropping in Japanese can only confuse the readers
unfamiliar with it.)
punc: now-female
(I believe there should be a hyphen here.)
Ranma hauled herself out of the pond and removed her shirt in order to
please all the drooling fanboys, as well as to wring out the saturated
article of clothing. Ranma considered providing yet another fan service
by repeating the action with her pants but thought better of it.
Since you haven't actually described any drooling fanboys,
this reads like one of those annoying author's commentaries.
Instead of saying "look, she's being hot!" I'd suggest you
either:
a) Describe what it is that would make the fanboys drool:
"....removed her shirt, letting drops of water trickle
down the curvature of her pert etc."
b) Add fanboys to the scene (perhaps peering over the fence)
and show their reaction. Hiroshi and Daisuke are always
happy to appear in fanfics...
Akane just stared at her for a moment, and then retreated indoors where
the rest of the family was gathered. Ranma narrowed her eyes at Akane;
punc: moment and then
(The "and" isn't being used as a conjunction here,
so you shouldn't use the comma.)
punc: indoors, where
I found this reaction promising. Despite the earlier comments
by Ranma, you avoided the typical cliched response.
already a terrifically evil plan forming in her mind.
* * *
Dinner came and went as usual. Ranma had gotten a kettle of hot water
from Kasumi and changed back while Genma stole food off his son's
punc: back, while
plate. Ranma returned to the table to defend what was left of his meal.
You're implying that there'd be anything left of his meal
if Genma could steal the food without interference. :j
Other than the brief scuffle between the two Saotomes, nothing special
occurred during the meal.
After dinner, Soun and Genma engaged in yet another game of Shogi,
cap: shogi
(There's no reason to capitalize this.)
Kasumi did the dishes, while Nabiki and Akane watched TV. Ranma stole a
glance at Akane and silently left the room.
In the hallway, he snickered to himself. Everything was going according
to plan. He looked around to be sure no one was watching him. He
quietly slid open the door to Happosai's room and slipped inside;
closing the door behind him.
suggest: Quietly sliding open ... he slipped inside and closed ...
(Avoid the similarly structured sentences "He did this. He did
that." Add some variety.)
* * *
Much later that night, Ranma was pretending to be asleep in his room.
He clutched a small pouch to his chest. Turning to his left, he found
his father to be sound asleep. The snoring that had kept him awake for
suggest: father fast asleep
(The "to be" is unnecessary.)
all those nights would finally be a welcomed sound. Ranma got to his
feet and quietly tiptoed out of the room. He continued down the hall
and stopped at Akane's door. He glanced down at the pouch and steeled
himself. He opened the door just enough for him to peek into the room.
He saw Akane sleeping peacefully. He shook his head when he saw P-chan
suggest: Inside, Akane was sleeping ...
(Again, vary your sentences.)
in her arms.
"Damn that pig. When'd he show up." Ranma quickly covered his mouth
punc: show up?"
(End questions with a question mark.)
after realizing that he wasn't using internal monologue. An idea struck
Ranma and he cupped his hands around his mouth.
"Bwee, bwee, bweeee." Ranma called in a less than convincing impression
of Ryoga's cursed form. Luckily for him, Akane didn't notice it. Being
suggest: than convincing little black piglet impression.
(A more useful description than "cursed form.")
far more observant than his roommate, P-chan's head shot up. He glanced
suggest: Having far more sensitive hearing than his roommate
(By no possible stretch of the imagination could
Ryoga be called more observant than Akane!)
Probably just as well that you called Akane his
"roommate" and not his "bedmate".... ^_^;
over to the door to see Ranma motioning for him to come outside. The
pig obliged for once in his life and hopped off the bed without
stirring the sleeping Akane.
A few minutes later, Ranma and the now human Ryoga were in the
punc: now-human
bathroom. Ryoga had a grave expression on his face.
"Are you sure you want to do this Ranma?"
Ranma's face mirrored Ryoga's. He nodded in response.
"I have to be free. This is the only way."
AKANE: I'm sorry, Ranma. You'll never be free.
NABIKI: We won't rent you out for less than 800 yen per hour.
"I don't like it Ranma, but I'll go along with it."
punc: like it, Ranma,
(You're addressing Ranma.)
"Thanks man. I knew I could count on ya."
punc: Thanks, man.
(You're addressing "man.")
Ryoga smiled. He put a hand on Ranma's shoulder.
"No problem. If it wasn't for you I'd still be pining over Akane
punc: for you, I'd still
instead of having hot sex with Akari."
Uh.... ^_^;
Ranma's face turned even grimmer.
"Speaking of which, why are you here?"
"Uh... I got lost?" Ryoga smiled weakly. Luckily, Ranma bought it and
stood.
"Luckily, he bought it"? The story is pretty much in Ranma's point
of view, so why this little peek into Ryoga's brain? Also, what's to
buy? Ryoga *does* get lost.
You're implying that Ryoga purposefully seeks out Akane, which suggests
all sorts of sinister things about him that you don't really address.
As such, I'd suggest you drop the remark, or change it.
suggest: "Hello? I got lost."
"You'd better go. You won't wanna be around here in the morning."
Ryoga bid his friend and rival goodbye and left the house. He leapt
over the wall and promptly got lost.
Ranma watched him go and then turned to go up the stairs. Once at the
top, he snuck down the hall and into Akane's room. Without making a
sound, he made his way to the side of her bed. The only light in the
room was coming from through the half-opened shutters on the window.
Ranma looked down at Akane and noted how peaceful she looked. She
looked so cute like that, he thought. He steeled himself again and held
out the pouch he had stolen from Happosai. He pulled on the drawstring
to open it. The string didn't budge. He gritted his teeth and pulled
harder. Yet the string gave no quarter. Ranma sighed and put the pouch
punc: harder, yet the string
on Akane's nightstand.
He hadn't wanted to resort to using it, but it was his only option now.
He held up the Colt 45 revolver and it glinted in the pale moonlight
The Japanese are not a gun culture. It's almost impossible
to get one in the country, and you don't explain where the
hell this one came from.
like the Reaper's blade. He took the dress pillow from the side Akane's
bed and placed it over her face. He pressed the gun against the pillow,
closed his eyes and pulled the trigger.
* * *
Nine hours later, a teenager with a pigtail was approached by a flight
attendant. She was rather pretty with straight, shoulder-length black
hair. Ranma smiled up at her.
"Would you like something to drink young man?" Had her voice sounded
punc: drink, young man?
any sweeter, she would have bled saccharine. Ranma kept his smile and
politely refused. As she left, he turned back to the newspaper. An
article on the front page read:
GIRL MURDERED IN NERMIA. SUSPECT APPREHENDED.
sp: Nerima.
(Why does everyone spell this wrong...?)
Early this morning, 17 year old Akane Tendo was found shot dead in her
home in the Nermia district of Tokyo. The suspect was apprehended
shortly after returning to the scene of the crime. The police matched
the evidence found in the room, a small pouch with a toxic dust in it,
DETECTIVE: We're got the murder weapon! This toxic dust!
BEAT COP: You mean the *unopened* bag of toxic dust?
DETECTIVE: Yes!
BEAT COP: So you think that bullet hole in her head didn't
have anything to do with it?
DETECTIVE: Probably just a stray bullet from a hunting accident.
Purely after-the-fact.
ASSISTANT: I got everyone's statements. Well, expect from her
fiancee Ranma Saotome and her rival Ukyo Kuonji. I couldn't
reach them as they skipped town on a flight to Hawaii.
DETECTIVE: We don't need their statements. This case is wrapped up!
to the suspect, an old man of indeterminable age. He is now in police
HAPPI: Indeterminable? Couldn't you
have just said indeterminate? [pout]
custody and waiting a hearing. No bail has been set as of yet. The
whole family is distraught over this occurrence and...
Story continued on page A-7.
Ranma put the paper on his lap and turned to his companion. She smiled
back at him lovingly.
"Well Ucchan? What'll we do when we reach the United States?"
punc: Well, Ucchan?
Ukyo shook her head.
"I have no idea Ranchan. And quite frankly, I don't care. I'm just
The above two lines should be in the same paragraph.
happy to be with you." She blushed a little bit.
"Heh. Me too. Y'know, I've never felt so free before in my life. I've
finally get to make my own decisions." He leaned back in his seat.
UKYO: Yes! We can finally be free, selling okonomiyaki from a
cart. We'll live together, wandering by the sea. We won't
have a home, but it won't matter because our love for each
other will sustain us! [starry eyes]
RANMA: Uh, what happened to *my* decision...?
UKYO: Well of *course* you want to live with me and sell
okonomiyaki! We'll have two kids -- a boy and girl -- and....
suggest: I'll finally be free to do whatever I want."
(Ranma's repeatedly shown that he's incapable
of making meaningful decisions.) ^_^
"I'll use the Nannichuan water that Mr. Tendo had been saving for the
wedding when we land in Hawaii. I'll finally be cured of this
ridiculous curse."
Ranma doesn't know about the Nannichuan casket. Suggest you delete
this.
"Ranchan. Won't they figure it out when they see that it's gone?"
"Nah. They'll never figure it was me who did Akane in. And if they do,
we'll be long gone."
Realistically, Ranma is the *only* suspect; making this comment
only draws attention to that fact. Suggest you delete this.
Ukyo smiled again. She had been meaning to ask Ranma this ever since he
came to her restaraunt that morning.
sp: restaurant
"Why did you do it Ranchan? I thought you loved Akane?"
punc: do it, Ranchan?
Ranma just smiled.
"I used to love her... but I had to kill her."
----
I'm not sure what to make of this story. If you're suggesting
that this is something Ranma could ever actually do, then I'd
have to say it sucks, plain and simple. It's completely
implausible. However, I don't think that is what you've intended.
There's plenty of indications to make me think otherwise.
Unfortunately, a lot of other Ukyo fanboy and/or first time
writers have written similar stories where Ranma inexplicably
drops Akane and/or the other fiancees after the Saffron
incident. Since you (foolishly, in my opinion :) labeled this
as your first fic, I don't know whether you're part of this group
or not.
(The rest of this commentary assumes that this was just an
attempt as some fun, based of the song.)
I think this would work better if you removed the extraneous
bits -- specifically those parts which make it unclear whether
you're being serious or not. Exaggerate! Make it *obvious*
that this isn't trying to be serious. The mad laughter scene
was good, as was Ryoga's out-of-the-blue comment about Akari.
You might want to drop the reference to Saffron. Ranma could
have saved Akane some Kidnapper-of-the-week. That way you
don't bring in the emotional baggage of the manga.
I like the idea that Ranma thinks Akane is cute, but only
when her mouth is shut. I don't think you need to refer to
mallets or insults. It works better when *anything* Akane
says irritates Ranma, even if it's nice.
Don't describe Ranma getting the gun. There's no way you
can rationally explain this, so don't even bother. After
the "but it was his only option now...." just go
immediately to the next scene on the airplain. Reading the
description of the gunshot in the paper is more of a surprise,
and funnier that way.
Address the obvious implausibility of Happosai being the
suspect. "The unidentified man claimed he had been
framed, and knew the real murder. However, before he
could identify anyone, he assaulted a female officer,
attempting to remove her shirt. He was subdued by the
nearby officers, and is now recuperating in Nerima
General, suffering from a coma..."
I don't know if you want to add this final bit, but I
think it would add to the humor, and tie things together
nicely. At the end, have Ukyo hold Ranma's arm, and he
twitches. "Ranma turned to Ukyo, forcing a smile. Ukyo
was so sweet and cute as long as she wasn't pawing at
him..." (Make sure to use the same phrasing as you did
describing Ranma's thought about Akane.) "Ranma's mouth
curled into a smile. 'I used to love her... but I had to
kill her.'"
Good luck,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"