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Hi, Latin D!
Sorry for the late reply (I'm saying that a lot, these days...), but this
is the fastest I could get back to you. Suffice to say that I will never,
never go on vacation for so long without making sure there's a computer
waiting for me when I get there. :p
Kill me, kill me now.
Ahh... Let's wait and see how the fic turned out before forming the lynch
mob, shall we? ^_^
Sorry for the double post, but I forgot to
word-wrap the fic. Won't happen again, I hope. Thanks to all of you who
pointed it out.
Personally, I try not to worry too much about an honest mistake. Lord knows
I've made my share of them in the two years I've been here. Double posted a
couple of times, too. Most of us here on the list are fairly forgiving and
easygoing folk, so you shouldn't be in serious trouble.
---
Hello again!
Well, just in time before the end of the year, I managed to finish this
little fic. For those of you who wonder why this took so long and where
is the next chapter of Silent Battles
Took the words right out of my mouth, pal!
So, where IS it? ^_^
(plug, yes, but it's better
than a status report), I'll inform that a couple of weeks ago my HD
decided to go on a trip, unfortunately taking with it the draft for
SB 7 and this fic. I've finally finished rewriting this one, but
SB 7 will be delayed till February. Sorry.
Ouch. I've had that happen a few times on my series, as well. Always
brutal, especially when you've already promised to be done by the end
of the week...
Now, for all of the DBZ fans out there, know that this story is based on
DBZ, _not_ in DBGT.
So noted. I'll be sure to keep that in mind.
Begging time. Please, people, send comments. Private, public, both...
everything is fine with me, and will be deeply appreciated. I crave for
the stuff; I _need_ it. Send me a mail, if only to say DBZ sucks and
that all the characters need new haircuts (though kind words of
encouragement are okay with me, too).
Now, now... a lot of the characters DID get new haircuts (Yamcha and Gohan
come to mind, as does Bulma). It just didn't help. ^_^
After these rather long-winded notes (which I'm sure _someone_ will
mention), let's move on. Enjoy!
Who me? Sorry, I was busy wondering when we'd get to the actual story. ^_~
Just kidding, of course. Considering the way I ramble on in my AN, I can
hardly fault anybody else without looking like a hypocrite or an idiot.
And I can do that on my own time. Just do me a favour, and remember that
anything I say is entirely IMHO, okay? If you disagree with something,
then heat up some tar and start gathering feathers. All I ask for is a
few minutes' head start. ^_^
� � � �A WARRIOR'S FALL
� � � �A DBZ fanfic
� � � �by Latin_D (latin_d@uol.com.ar)
�_________________________________
� � � � � The last lonely stars silently faded out, as the world
readied itself for a new autumnal day. The darkness receded, long
shadows lingering with obstinacy on every rock and tree, and nature
promptly dressed up in smoldering reds and ancient golds as it
impatiently waited for the sun's arrival. Out of the shadow cast by an
old, barren oak, like a wraith, he came.
I like this opening. It's descriptive, yet still leaves the readers
wondering exactly what's going on. Who is the man? What does he want?
� � � � � Walking slowly across the dark-green slopes, the old man
You don't have to hyphenate the words "dark green". In fact, if I were
you, I wouldn't. Just a tiny nitpick. (The first one's always the
hardest... I feel much better now...) ^_~
stood out in the pale light, his steps secure and his deportment proud,
almost regal.
I'm guessing either Vegeta, or Piccolo. Only two guys I can think of who
would be described as "regal" in their deportment.
Only his gray hair betrayed his advanced age, for his body
Okay, not Piccolo. Unless he's taken to wearing a toupee that I don't
know about, and that might interfere with his little antennae. ^_^
was still fit and healthy, primed for battle. And though his eyes were
old and tired, and his gaze had lost most of its once distinctive
belligerence, a hard, savage glint lived on in their depths.
Vegeta, then. In DBZ, Vegeta is the living definition of belligerance. And
arrogance, and fury, and... ^_^
� � � � � Following some unheard order, he halted his advance. A signal
was sent then, subtle and powerful at the same time.
He blew up the forest. ^_^
Hey, in DBZ, that counts as subtle!
Tilting his head
back, he serenely regarded the deep blue sky and the small, purple
clouds.
� � � � � "I'm here, Kakkarot," he whispered to himself, his breath
steaming in the cool morning. "Don't keep me waiting."
Goku:(sighs) Y'know, we've known each other for a really long time by
now. Can't you just call me by my Earth name? You know, the one I like?
Vegeta: No! I will never call you by that vile Earth name!
Goku: Why not?
Vegeta: BECAUSE IT WOULD BE OOC! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? I SAID IT! NOW GET
OVER HERE AND START FIGHTING, BEFORE I...
---
� � � � � � Vegeta gazed at the beloved specter, and his chest
tightened. Bulma's face was wrinkled, the years having taken their toll
on her once stunning features. However, in her eyes, her soul still
burned fiercely, untamed; in them, he saw his own past.
Vegeta: (winces) Ooh! I really should have learned how to duck when I was
younger... That one MUST have hurt... Can we skip past most of the time
I spent on Namek?
� � � � � � Many people stood around the bed; some were relatives, even
more were friends. Kakkarot was there, holding Chichi to himself and
smiling vacantly in a vain attempt to calm her.
This is mainly being narrated by Vegeta, right? Well, I doubt the mighty
Prince of the Saiyans would bother calling Chichi by her name. Maybe just
say something more like :
"Kakkarot was there, holding his mate and smiling vacantly in a
foolish attempt to calm the stupid woman."
Vegeta has pretty much no respect for anyone, IIRC.
Death had long since
lost much of its meaning to him. How could you grieve the departure of a
loved one when you yourself had spent decades in the afterworld? Idiot.
He didn't understand...
See? This is a bit more like Vegeta. Everyone but him is an idiot, a fool,
or a coward. He barely even needs to learn anybody's names, he uses those
three so often. ^_^
� � � � � � Kakkarot's child, Gohan, was also among those present, next
to his human mate. Any other day, he would have sneered at the sight of
the bespectacled Saiyan.
Might want to change that "he" to "Vegeta". Otherwise, you're saying that
Gohan would have sneered at the sight of himself (Gohan being the last
person you named, and all...) ^_~
Gohan, who had once been the most powerful of
his kin, a prodigy by his own right, stood serene now, domesticated and
docile. How he was able to ignore the call for battle, Vegeta would
never know. Unforgivable.
This is very well done, my friend. I like the way you mix a description
of who is at Bulma's deathbed with Vegeta's impressions of them all. It's
kind of a good way to see what kind of person Vegeta is, by seeing how
he views and judges those closest to him.
� � � � � � More familiar faces milled around. His children, both
holding one of their mother's hands in their own. Trunks was crying,
Vegeta noted with disgust. Wasn't he a grownup warrior, a member of the
strongest race?
Uh, I just can't see Vegeta using the phrase "grownup". Also, it's not
usually
a good idea to use contractions in narrative. Maybe cut out the one word,
and
expand the "Wasn't" into:
"Was the boy not a warrior? A member of the Saiyan race?"
I also changed the "he" because it refers to Vegeta, not Trunks. However, by
saying "boy", something Vegeta is not, it clarifies that Trunks is who you
mean.
Bra was a woman; it was different. His grandchildren
were behind them... Human brats, with little spirit in their bodies.
Wow. Dissing his own grandkids. Well, that's Vegeta for you: blow up a
planet
with one gesture, or go home.
� � � � � � And in the middle of it all, Vegeta saw the woman who would
have been his wife, too tired to walk, struggling at the brink of death.
Suddenly, with a barely perceptible wave of her hand, she beckoned him
over the bed, and, grudgingly, he complied.
� � � � � � "You can go now, Vegeta," she breathed, her voice a shaky
whisper. "I know how much you hate these things." She smiled.
� � � � � � "Bulma, I--"
� � � � � � "It's okay; don't worry. I'll be fine, you'll see." Bulma
closed her eyes, and continued in a tone so soft only Vegeta could have
heard, "Thank you."
I know what you're going for, here, and it DOES work -Vegeta at a vulnerable
moment, losing the woman he loves and leaving before anyone can see how much
it hurts- but I admit I'm a bit surprised he was so docile. I expected him
to
rant that no human female was going to tell him what to do, and whether she
liked it or not he was staying right where he was until HE decided it was
time
to go. Then again, I guess that in his old age, he may have mellowed a bit.
---
� � � � � � The old warrior waited, his arms crossed across his chest,
ignoring the subtle aroma of dried nature permeating the breeze,
disregarding the dawn, which bathed him in eerie, cold light. It can't
be long, he thought. Right at that moment, something pulled at his
senses, and he spun around, witnessing his oldest rival materializing
before his eyes.
Ah! A nice way to avoid the usual "flying" entrance. I like it! It's
surprising
how many authors forget that Goku knows how to teleport.
� � � � � � "What're you doing, Vegeta?" Kakkarot asked, puzzled.
"What'd you want?"
� � � � � � "You know what I want," Vegeta snarled, "what I demand: a
fight."
Hehehehe. I'm surprised Goku even bothered asking. I mean, what else has
Vegeta EVER wanted? ^_^
� � � � � � "But why? I haven't seen you in days, since--"
� � � � � � "Because," Vegeta cut in, scowling at him, "I'm a warrior,
and I'll be one till the day I die. Nothing will change that, nothing!"
"till" is wrong. I think you mean "'til", which is the short form of
"until".
"till" means to turn over soil.
� � � � � � He glared at the sterile wall in front of him, hearing the
old wooden clock hanging from one of the walls at the far end of the
hall as it clicked incessantly, signaling the seconds that slowly went
I think you might want to change that "hall" to "corridor" or something.
Otherwise, the way it rhymes with "wall" could ruin the flow of your
sentence.
by. It was driving him insane.
And many people would argue that it was a very short trip. I'm betting he
blows something up soon.
� � � � � � "You have exactly," Vegeta growled, his voice low and
dangerous, "one second to get into that room and find out what's going
on, human, or I'll destroy this hospital and the whole wretched city
around it. Understood?" Seeing the nurse, who couldn't be older than
thirty, nodding vigorously, he let him go. "Now go!"
Might want to change that "he" to "Vegeta", or "the warrior", or even
"the Saiyan Prince". "he let him" sounds a bit awkward.
� � � � � � He basked on the sight for an instant, careful not to
disturb the moment, but his eyes informed him of a very important fact.
The lack of a tail?
� � � � � � "What's this, woman?!" Vegeta exploded, wildly swinging his
arms around. The fact that Bulma hadn't been startled further angered
him, as it reminded him of the power she held over him. "All Saiyans
have dark hair! How's this possible?!"
Oh, the hair. You know, I never even realised that Trunks is the only
Saiyan without dark hair until just now?
<I'm snipping the fight scene, but suffice to say they are truly up to
Dragon Ball Z standards. There's just nothing quite like two Saiyans
going toe-to-toe and slugging at each other. ^_^>
� � � � � � Poised in the air, Kakkarot mirrored his own stance, his
features grimly set. "Okay, Vegeta," he conceded, "we'll fight. But then
we'll talk."
Nooo... I somehow don't think that ol' Goku is getting the point, here...
� � � � � � Vegeta shook his head. "There'll be no 'then', Kakkarot."
Pretty much what I figured. Ah, well, it's about the only way Vegeta would
be
willing to go, I suppose.
� � � � � � "Where do you think you're going, mister?" Bulma asked, and
Vegeta heard the angry note in her voice. What was it this time?
Cale Tucker: "Are you still bothering people? Go away."
� � � � � � "Leave me alone, woman," he grumbled, thinking that perhaps
if he ignored her she would go away. "I don't have time for this." He
was wrong.
Why does that never work? ^_^
� � � � � � Now the aura was plain visible, crimson flames flaring
wrathfully around the enraged warrior. "ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL SWEAR
I'LL DESTROY THIS WHOLE DAMNED PLA--"
� � � � � � "Oh, shush." Bulma put a finger to his lips, giggling
quietly. Vegeta's anger deflated like a burst balloon, but he kept
scowling at her. "You're so fun to tease." She took a step backwards,
and examined him critically. "To say the truth, your body isn't half-
bad. I mean, sure, you're short--a midget, compared to most people--"
� � � � � � "WHA--?!"
Hehehehehe. Only Bulma has ever -COULD ever- get away with saying things
like that to Vegeta.
� � � � � � A primal, uncontrolled rage seized him then, and his mind
raced with thousands of irrelevant memories of pain, regret, and fury.
Amidst the confusion, his body mutated, and although only a few changes
were noticeable in his outer shell, his core was far more corrupted.
Liquid fire now flowed in his veins, his heart a large furnace which
warmed his whole being. His eyes, once dark and full of emotion, were
now deep blue pools, cold and calculating--and yet equally menacing.
Wildly dancing and standing erect, his hair was no longer gray, but
instead a clear blond which easily lost itself with the golden aura that
pulsated around the warrior. This was the power he had for so long
sought, the one that was his right. And yet, in those moments of rare
reflection and nostalgia, he feared it. Because this was the power that
had destroyed his planet, and slew friends and family alike. No one
should be so powerful, no one. Not even him.
Okay, first of all, that is an awesome description of the shift to Super
Saiyan. It's especially interesting to see a Vegeta old enough -and maybe
wise enough- to realise that he possesses power that nobody should. In his
youth, he wouldn't be happy until he was practically a god. Maybe a few
decades with more than just battles to look forward to changed his outlook
a little? ^_^
� � � � � � Vegeta let his arms hung at his sides, and Kakkarot's
"hang", not "hung".
� � � � � � "Vegeta..." Kakkarot's face was stricken with sadness as he
gently held Vegeta's head upright.
� � � � � � "Y-You a-always were a s-sentimental fool," he growled
softly. He coughed violently, spitting thick glob of blood. Kakkarot's
eyes watered, and Vegeta glared at him, albeit with none of the old
scorn. "T-this w-was not our l-last fight."
Heh. I can just see Vegeta waiting at the gates of the afterlife, arms
crossed
and foot tapping as he waits for Kakkarot to show up. About as well as he
waited
in that hospital, I wager. ^_^
� � � � � � Kakkarot nodded solemnly, and Vegeta closed his eyes.
� � � � � � "Farewell," Kakkarot whispered, "Vegeta, King of the
Saiyan." He closed his eyes, and let his head rest against his chest.
� � � � � � With a last blast of wind, a tree shook loose its last
brittle brown leaf, twirling away from the forlorn and gnarled old oak.
Oh, gee, what to say? This was brilliant. Vaguely familiar to your earlier
DBZ
character sketches on Chichi and Goku, but much longer and more detailed,
with
some very well written fight scenes, to boot. In total, a very good read,
and
a great look into Vegeta's character. Keep up the good work, and I'm sorry
to
hear about your HD troubles.
So... any idea when you'll be finishing the next chapter of Silent Battles?
^_^
Farewell!
-Morgan Hudson
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