PHOTO STICKER QUEST
A BAILESUCOM Game
by JOHN WALTER BILES
Asleep
You float in the misty void of sleep.
GOAL
To find the holy grail.
REALLY?
No.
THEN WHAT IS IT?
Didn't you read the manual?
NO.
Did you read the title?
NO.
You're playing this game, and you don't know what the game is?
THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP.
You are eaten by a grue. Game over. Now, go give me to someone who knows
what they're doing.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
Sigh. You're right. Okay, here's the scoop. I'm only going to repeat
this once. Your name is Keitaro. Your favorite color is green. Your
quest is to get a photo sticker of yourself with each of the women who
lives in the women's dormitory you're the kanrinin (manager) of. Once you
put them all in your scrapbook, you win. Do I need to repeat that in one
syllable words for you?
NO.
I refuse to go any further until you use at least one word with more than
one syllable.
ABOUT HAS MORE THAN ONE SYLLABLE. HAH!
Punk. Anyway, can we get back to actually playing? I need to kill you to
relieve my stress.
I CAN DIE IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY?
Hey, you said you didn't know what this was about!
I LIED.
Punk.
HOW MANY WOMEN LIVE IN MY DORMITORY?
That would be telling.
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Inability to Pass College Exams
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight
Exhaustion
Keitaro's Pajamas (Worn)
Pajama Fluff (in Pajama Pocket)
LOOK OBSESSION
You are obsessed with photo stickers. You have billions of them, but
they're all of you by yourself. That's why you want to get a photo
sticker of yourself with each of the ladies of your dorm: Naru, Mitsune,
Shinobu, Motoko, Su, and Mutsumi (although technically she doesn't live in
your dorm, but she is cute, so that's all that matters to you)
WAKE UP
You don't want to wake up.
YES, I DO.
Look Exhaustion.
WHO'S PLAYING THIS? YOU OR ME?
Please don't make me answer that.
LOOK EXHAUSTION
You're too worn out to get up because you had to clean up the hot spring
for five hours last night, after Su tried to use it to make hard boiled
eggs, then got busy working on building a functional Gundam and forgot
about them.
UGH.
Exactly.
SLEEP UNTIL RESTED.
You sleep for a while, but then someone starts trying to shake you awake.
IGNORE SHAKING.
You do your best to ignore them, but they're shaking you harder now.
AM I FULLY RESTED YET?
You can't rest very well while someone is shaking you.
WAKE UP THEN
There's no one named 'then' here.
WAKE UP
You wake up, staring into Su's idiot savant face. "FEED ME, SEYMOUR!"
she shouts.
LOOK FOR SEYMOUR
There is no Seymour, only Zuul. Well, Su, anyway. She shakes you again.
"I'm hungry! Feed me!" You suspect she might try to see if you're tasty
if she doesn't get fed soon.
LOOK ROOM
Keitaro's Bedroom
Your bedroom is fairly spartan. The walls are largely unadorned, although
you have sliding doors to your closet. There's a hole in the ceiling with
a board over it on the top side. You have a fair number of books,
especially your sticker collection scrapbooks. There's also a bedroll
currently unrolled with sheets on it. You're lying on the bed.
There is a bed here.
There is a scrapbook of stickers here.
Su is standing on the bed, shaking you. "FOOD!!!!"
FEED SU
Feed Su what?
FEED POCKET FLUFF TO SU
You don't have any pocket fluff.
FEED PAJAMA FLUFF TO SU
You stick the Pajama Fluff in her mouth. She eats it. "Thanks!" Then
she runs off. You get one brownie point.
...
I just tell it how I see it.
CHASE SU.
Please tell me you're joking.
NO. THIS IS MY BEST CHANCE TO GET HER TO TAKE A STICKER PICTURE WITH ME
WHILE SHE'S STILL GRATEFUL.
Your funeral. You run after Su.
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su runs east.
EAST
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su runs east.
EAST
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su runs east.
EAS...WAIT, THIS ISN'T AN INFINITE LOOP, IS IT?
That would be telling.
EAST
You sure about that?
YES. EAST! I GO EAST AND I DON'T STOP UNTIL I CATCH UP WITH SU!
As you like. You run east, through the door into Su's room. You fall
into the large puddle of water just inside the door and begin to sink.
Puddle of Water in Su's Room
This is a small lake of water. You can make out lots of jungle plants
growing all over inside Su's room. You can't see Su anywhere, though.
There is an albino crocodile here.
DOES THE CROCODILE TICK?
No.
SWIM TO SI...SAVE. SAVE!!!!
Game saved.
SWIM TO SIDE.
The crocodile eats you. Game over. (RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A COMEDY!
Hey, I'm laughing.
RESTORE
Game restored.
TAKE OFF SHIRT.
You take off your shirt.
The crocodile blinks in confusion.
WRAP SHIRT AROUND MY HEAD
Clever. Played Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I take it?
YES.
Sadly, this is not the Bugblatter Beast of Braal. It eats you. Game over.
(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)
RESTORE
Game restored.
TAKE OFF SHIRT.
Haven't we already gone down this road?
SHUT UP AND TAKE OFF MY SHIRT ALREADY.
I don't swing that way.
TAKE OFF MY SHIRT!!!
Okay, okay, you take your shirt off.
The crocodile blinks in confusion.
WET SHIRT IN WATER
It's already wet.
ROLL SHIRT UP INTO A 'RAT-TAIL'. TIE KNOT ON FAR END.
Okay, your shirt is now rolled up and rope like, with a knot at one end.
You hear Naru say, "Have you seen Keitaro? He's supposed to be making
breakfast for everyone."
USE SHIRT AS WHIP TO DRIVE BACK ALLIGATOR.
What alligator?
CROCODILE
This sentence no verb.
USE SHIRT AS WHIP TO DRIVE BACK CROCODILE
You drive the crocodile back, repeatedly whacking its nose. You get one
brownie point.
"Oh, he's playing with my crocodile," Su says. "But he fed me first, so
I'm happy."
MOVE TO EDGE OF POOL
You are now at the edge.
"He fed you before he fed me?" Naru sounds angry.
HIDE FROM NARU
The crocodile tries to drift over close to you.
WHACK CROC IN NOSE WITH SHIRT
It retreats, yelping.
"Yes! I had a wholesome breakfast of yummy fluff!" Su sounds very, very
perky.
GET OUT OF POOL
You clamber out, dripping wet and shirtless. Your pajama pants cling to
your legs, and anyone who cares to could see your red heart boxers under
them.
Su stares at you.
Naru stares at you.
Su's Room
Su's Room is rather like a micro-jungle, complete with puddles of water,
wildlife, and tons of plants. It's hot and humid in here.
Su is here.
Naru is here.
SAVE
Game saved.
PUT SHIRT ON.
You can't do that while there's a knot tied in it.
Naru stares at you some more. "You're half-naked in Su's room! You
PERVERT!" Her fist is coming at you.
CATCH FIST.
No male in anime can catch a woman's fist when she's trying to hit him for
being a pervert. The fist connects, knocking you back into the pool.
Puddle of Water in Su's Room
This is a small lake of water. You can make out lots of jungle plants
growing all over inside Su's room. You can't see Su anywhere, though.
There is an albino log here.
WHACK CROCODILE ON THE NOSE WITH SHIRT
The crocodile looks offended that you didn't fall for the 'I'm just a log'
trick. It retreats.
GET OUT OF POOL
You clamber out, dripping wet and shirtless. Your pajama pants cling to
your legs, and anyone who cares to could see your red heart boxers under
them.
Su stares at you.
Naru stares at you.
Su's Room
Su's Room is rather like a micro-jungle, complete with puddles of water,
wildlife, and tons of plants. It's hot and humid in here.
Su is here.
Naru is here.
"Now you've come dripping and half-naked into Su's room again! There's
just no appeasing your perversion!" Naru proclaims.
SAVE
Game saved.
TAKE NARU'S SHIRT.
...
C'MON, TAKE HER SHIRT ALREADY.
You quickly pull off Naru's shirt. She's now topless also.
Su blinks, then takes off her shirt.
CAREFULLY AVOID SEEING HALF-NAKED SU
How do you do this?
STARE AT NARU'S CHEST
That works quite well. This game is PG-rated, so I won't go into details.
It's worth seeing, though. Maybe even worth the inevitable pain and
suffering you're about to endure.
Naru shouts, "PERVERT!"
PUT ON NARU'S SHIRT
You are no longer topless.
"GIVE ME BACK MY SHIRT!" She covers her chest with her arms.
Su puts her shirt back on. "What game are we playing?"
SAY TO SU, "THE DON'T LET NARU KILL ME GAME"
"That sounds like fun!" Su begins to bounce around, getting in the way as
Naru tries to punch you for being hentai. You get one brownie point.
RUN AWAY
You turn to run away, only to fall into the pool AGAIN.
Puddle of Water in Su's Room
This is a small lake of water. You can make out lots of jungle plants
growing all over inside Su's room. You can't see Su anywhere, though.
There is an albino crocodile here. It stares at the knotted shirt in your
hand, sighs, and retreats away from you, then begins to grumble and whine.
CROSS TO SIDE BY DOOR.
Done.
GET OUT. GO TO MY ROOM.
You get out, leaving Naru shouting at you and the Crocodile whining and Su
demonstrating she must be the love child of Plastic Man and Radical
Edward.
NOW I'M GOING TO BE SICK
Not on the keyboard please.
AM I IN MY ROOM YET?
No.
LOOK
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su runs east.
EH, WHAT IS SU DOING HERE?
Oops, my mistake. Let's try that again.
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su doesn't run east, because she's not
here. But the door to her room is to the east.
GO TO MY ROOM
You don't know where your room is, relative to here.
I'M THE MANAGER AND I DON'T KNOW?
Everything seems really weirdly blurry.
HEALTH
You are in good health. But you're also tired and nearsighted and not
wearing your glasses.
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Inability to Pass College Exams
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight
Tiredness
Dampness
Naru's Pajama Top (Worn)
Pocket Fluff (in Naru's Pajama Top's Pocket)
Wet Keitaro's Pajama Bottoms (Worn)
Rolled up, knotted Keitaro's Pajama Top
BUT NO GLASSES?
You were sleeping. Sleeping in glasses equals broken glasses or bent
face.
GOOD POINT.
So now what?
HMM. SAVE.
Game saved.
WEST
You walk into Motoko's room just as she's trying to figure out which side
of her pants are actually the front and which are the back so she can put
them on.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, I'M ABOUT TO GET HIT.
That about sums it up. You learn quickly. You get one brownie point.
SAVE.
Game Saved.
POINT OUT WHICH SIDE IS WHICH.
She blinks, then nods. "Stay there so I can crush you after I put my
pants on." She starts to put her pants on.
RUN FOR LIFE.
You flee out the door. You get one brownie point.
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn.
You hear pants being put on in the distance.
I MUST HAVE VERY GOOD HEARING.
When it comes to things likely to lead to you being beaten, yes.
RUN AWAY FROM THE PUTTING ON OF PANTS
You flee.
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn.
You hear a door opening in the distance.
RUN AWAY FROM THE DOOR OPENING
You run and run.
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn.
You hear running feet coming closer.
GO THROUGH A DOORWAY
You run through a random door.
Mitsune's Room
Mitsune's room is neatly furnished with a very nice bed by the window. As
with all the rooms, there's a sliding door to the closet, a window, and a
sliding door to the hallway.
Mitsune is lounging on the bed.
Mitsune looks at you. "Do you normally wear that when you make
breakfast?"
TAKE OFF NARU'S TOP.
You take the shirt off.
Mitsune begins to laugh hysterically as she looks at you, falling off the
bed onto the floor. Fluff rises from under the bed due to the impact.
TAKE FLUFF
Taken. You get one brownie point.
Mitsune laughs even harder, her face turning red from the strain.
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Inability to Pass College Exams
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight
Tiredness
Dampness
Wet Keitaro's Pajama Bottoms (Worn)
Rolled up, knotted Keitaro's Pajama Top
Naru's Pajama Top
Pocket Fluff (in Naru's Pajama Top's Pocket)
Bed Fluff
PUT ON MY SHIRT
You can't wear it while it's knotted up.
Mitsune points at your effort to put your shirt on, laughs even more, then
gasps and starts having trouble breathing.
APPLY HEIMLICH MANUEVER
That's for when people have something caught in their throat. But you get
1 brownie point for wanting to do it.
TRY TO HELP MITSUNE HOWEVER I CAN.
Too vague.
KISS MITSUNE
You're a very brave man.
JUST DO IT!
You kiss Mitsune. She stops choking and stares at you in shock, then
passes out.
CHECK PULSE
Her pulse is racing wildly.
APPLY CPR.
She is still breathing.
I JUST WANT TO BE SURE.
Right...
You bend over her and start to push on her chest and breathe into her
mouth. Her eyes snap open as you hear footsteps in the hallway.
SAY "MITSUNE, ARE YOU OKAY?"
She blushes for just a second, then says, "I'm fine. I haven't had such a
good laugh in a long time."
SAY "MITSUNE, ARE YOU GRATEFUL ENOUGH TO TAKE A PHOTO STICKER PICTURE
WITH ME?"
She looks at you, then grins impishly.
You have a sinking feeling.
SAY "MITSUNE, IS THAT A YES?"
"Only if I get to decide what you wear."
SAY "OKAY."
She grins so broadly, she could eat Tokyo with one bite. "Okay, we can go
later. You need to make breakfast." You get two brownie points.
UNKNOT MY SHIRT
Done.
TAKE OFF NARU'S SHIRT.
Done.
PUT ON MY SHIRT.
Done.
The footsteps are right by the door.
SAY "CAN YOU HIDE ME?"
She glances at the door. "It'll cost you."
PAY PRICE
She hasn't named a price yet.
GIVE BLANK CHECK TO MITSUNE
You don't have a blank check.
SAY "I WILL PAY WHATEVER YOU WANT."
Mitsune grins evilly. "Okay, I'll have to find something appropriate, so
you can pay me later."
Someone knocks on the door.
SAY "HIDE ME NOW!"
"Or lose you forever?"
SAVE
Game saved.
PANIC
In your terror, you run right through the door and crash into Motoko.
Mitsune says, "Hey, where are you going?"
Motoko falls down.
You fall down on top of her, your face buried in what passes for her
bosom, though not very well.
COMMEND MY SOUL TO BUDDHA
Buddha is not here.
GET OFF MOTOKO
You SURE you want to do that?
WHAT, YOU THINK I SHOULD STAY ON HER?
Oh, THAT's what you mean.
You get up off Motoko.
Motoko howls at you, "Foul man, trying to grope me!"
SAY "YOU HAD NOTHING WORTH GROPING."
I'm just going to point out for the record that you're not carrying a
death wish or anything.
Motoko stands up and raises her sword. "Prepare to taste the wrath of
heaven!"
Naru arrives. "Give me back my shirt!" She has wrapped Su around herself
as a sort of impromptu bra.
Su says, "Hi! This is fun!"
GRAB SU AND USE HER AS A BODY SHIELD
You quickly yank Su off Naru.
Naru wraps her arms around her chest. "GIVE ME BACK MY SHIRT!"
You attempt to interpose Su between you and Motoko, but all this does is
cause Motoko to knock BOTH of you into the stratosphere. And Su ends up
inside your shirt, somehow.
SCREAM IN HORROR
Me too. I feel your pain.
High Above Japan
You are floating somewhere in the lower atmosphere above central Japan.
Su sticks her head out of your left sleeve. "I didn't know you could fly,
Keitaro."
SAY "CAN YOU MAKE US A PARACHUTE?"
Su looks thoughtful. "If I had some Bed Fluff, I could."
You fly upwards, even higher.
Very High Above Japan
You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Japan. The air
is thin here.
Su puts a breathing mask and air tank on you, and another one on herself.
SAY "THANK YOU" AND GIVE BED FLUFF TO SU.
Su says, "You're welcome." She takes off your shirt, then quickly weaves
the Bed Fluff into string which she begins using to sew the shirt into a
parachute.
You drift upwards, even higher.
Extremely High Up Over Asia
You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Asia. The air is
almost non-existent here. It's very cold.
You have no shirt on and you're wet. You can feel ice forming on your
body. Fortunately, Su's warm body keeps you from freezing to death, as
she's somehow clinging to your torso with her legs while making the
parachute.
Su says, "Give me your pants."
SHOULD I JUST RESTORE FROM MY SAVED GAME NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH?
No.
GIVE MY PANTS TO SU.
Your legs cover with ice. Su turns the pants into a harness to attach the
parachute to you and her.
You begin to fall, slowly at first.
Very High Above Japan
You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Japan. The air
is thin here.
The ice on your torso and head melts. The ice on your legs begins to
melt.
The Parachute opens, but there's not enough air up here for it to do much
good.
Su points down at a speck, "Look, there's the Inn! The wind currents
should carry us into the hot spring if we're lucky. You do know how to
swim, right?"
SAY "YES, I CAN SWIM."
"Good, good."
You fall more swiftly now.
High Above Japan
You are floating somewhere in the lower atmosphere above central Japan.
As you speed up, the remaining ice on you burns away.
WAIT FOR PARACHUTE TO OPEN
It lacks the ability to open itself.
You plummet like a rocket.
High Above The City You Live In
You are hundreds of feet above the city you live in. You can see it
spread out below you.
You will soon splat.
OPEN PARACHUTE
It opens, slowing your fall. You gain three brownie points.
You drift gently downwards.
"Oh wow, it actually worked!" Su says in surprise.
Tama-chan flies up to you. "Meow!" she says cheerfully. There's a
photosticker stuck to her belly.
LOOK PHOTOSTICKER
It's a photosticker of Mutsumi and Tama-chan, surrounded by flowers. You
think it's one of the most Kawaii things you've ever seen.
Your Obsession with Photo Stickers says, "I want it!"
TAKE PHOTOSTICKER
Tama-chan flies out of your reach. Su grabs Tama-chan. "Lunch!" she
announces.
TAKE TAMA-CHAN
You grab Tama-chan away from Su. "Don't eat our friend," you say. Su
pouts.
You drift downwards.
High Above Something or Another
You're over some part of the city, but you can't see clearly enough to
tell where exactly you are.
TAKE PHOTOSTICKER OFF TAMA-CHAN
You take the photosticker off Tama-chan. You get one brownie point.
Su is pouting.
SAY "SU, CAN I MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?"
"Give me something!"
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Inability to Pass College Exams
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight
Tiredness
Red Heart Boxers (Worn)
Naru's Pajama Top
Pocket Fluff (in Naru's Pajama Top's Pocket)
Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi
Breathing Mask (Worn)
Air Tank with 6 hours of Air (Worn)
Parachute Harness
Parachute
Su (Clinging to Flesh)
GIVE INABILITY TO PASS COLLEGE EXAMS TO SU
Su takes your Inability to Pass College Exams and begins making a plasma
rifle, forty watt range, with it.
BOGGLE
You boggle.
WELL, THAT SOLVES ONE OF MY PROBLEMS. WHY DIDN'T I GET ANY BROWNIE
POINTS FOR IT?
Su's first field test turns your parachute into rags.
...
That's why.
You plummet like a rock.
Rootop Rushing Up to Meet You
You're headed right for someone's roof, which is rushing up at you as you
fall.
USE SU AS IMPACT CUSHION
You manuever Su into position. She blows the roof open with her plasma
rifle.
You and Su fall through the hole.
Some sort of room or something
You're in some sort of room, you think. Everything is blurry, thanks to
bad eyesight plus impact shock. The ground is strangely soft and yielding
beneath you, but also oddly lumpy.
You have a bruise on your head.
SAVE GAME BEFORE GRUE EATS ME
Game Saved.
SHAKE HEAD TO CLEAR IT.
Your vision clears somewhat. You realize you're lying on top of someone.
Two someones, in fact, since Su is still clinging to your body.
SEE WHO IT IS.
Mutsumi, dressed in a bathrobe, is lying under you. You can now feel hot
air escaping the bathroom; she must have just taken a shower.
GET OF...GET UP OFF MUTSUMI
You scramble to your feet.
Su is still clinging to you, despite being unconscious.
USE TAMA-CHAN AS A LEVER TO PRY SU OFF ME
Small flying turtles make poor levers.
USE BAD EYESIGHT AS LEVER
Oh yeah, right.
TAKE PLASMA RIFLE FROM SU
Taken.
USE PLASMA RIFLE AS LEVER TO PRY SU OFF ME
Su falls off you onto the floor. The impact wakes her up. "Hi!"
TRY TO WAKE UP MUTSUMI
How?
KISS MUTSUMI
Your Crush on Narusegawa Naru says, "Out of character! You love Naru, and
you're not bold enough!"
IGNORE CRUSH
You ignore the crush.
Crush on Narusegawa Naru says something.
KISS MUTSUMI
Her lips are too far away from yours.
KNEEL DOWN OVER MUTSUMI
You kneel down over her.
Crush on Narusegawa Naru says something.
KISS MUTSUMI
You try, but you're wearing a breathing mask.
TAKE OFF BREATHING MASK
Done.
KISS MUTSUMI
You kiss Mutsumi gently on the lips. Her eyes open and she smiles at you.
"Good morning, Keitaro."
Crush on Narusegawa Naru shouts something.
IGNORE CRUSH AND KISS MUTSUMI AGAIN.
You kiss Mutsumi a little more firmly. She says, "Did you come over to
take a bath?"
ASK HER IF SHE WILL TAKE A STICKER PICTURE WITH ME
"You need a bath and something to wear first," she says sensibly.
TAKE BATH
It's too heavy.
Mutsumi giggles. "Do you need my help?"
SAY "YES."
Crush on Narusegawa Naru shouts really loudly.
LOOK AT CRUSH
Hey, that's not a crush! It's Naru herself! She's still topless and
shouting at you. "GIVE ME BACK MY SHIRT! AND STOP TAKING ADVANTAGE OF
OTAHIME-SAN!"
ASK MUTSUMI TO KISS NARU AGAIN
Mutsumi stands up, goes over, and kisses Naru on the lips.
Naru faints.
You get one brownie point.
GIVE NARU NARU'S SHIRT
Given.
LOOK
Mutsumi's Room
It's a small, fairly traditional apartment. There's a large footwarmer
shoved into one corner, and a bedroll which is only half rolled up in the
middle of the room. One door leads outside, one leads to the kitchen, and
one leads to the bathroom. The walls are bare.
Mutsumi is here.
Mutsumi asks, "Ready for a bath?"
She puts a hand on your shoulder.
Your nose feels weird.
IGNORE NOSE
That worked real well with your crush, now didn't it?
HEY, I WORKED PAST THAT.
Your funeral.
TAKE MUTSUMI'S HAND
Taken.
"Can I have my hand back? I'm going to need it."
...
Your nose feels a little less weird.
GIVE MUTSUMI'S HAND TO MUTSUMI
Given.
HOLD MUTSUMI'S HAND
She smiles at you.
Your nose feels weird again.
OH, I GET IT.
Would you like to be more vague?
I'M ABOUT TO NOSEBLEED
Could be.
SEAL NOSTRILS WITH TAMA-CHAN
...
DOES IT WORK?
"Would you like a tissue?" Mutsumi asks.
SAY "YES."
Mutsumi hands you a tissue.
REMOVE TAMA-CHAN, THEN STUFF TISSUE IN NOSTILS
Tama-chan looks at you reproachfully, then flies off into the bathroom.
Mutsumi goes into the bathroom.
ENTER BATHROOM
This small bathroom has two toilets and a double shower. In fact, it
looks like someone knocked out the wall between two bathrooms to make it
bigger. One door leads to Mutsumi's apartment, the other leads somewhere
else.
Tama-chan is here, taking a shower.
Mutsumi is here.
Mutsumi undoes her belt, showing off the swell of her cleavage, but not
yet passing the bounds of decency. She looks at you expectantly.
SAVE GAME
Game Saved
HAVE MAD NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI
You have No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi, so you can't.
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight
Tiredness
Head Bruise
Red Heart Boxers (Worn)
Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi
Breathing Mask
Air Tank with 6 hours of Air (Worn)
Parachute Harness (Worn)
Plasma Rifle, 40 Watt Range
HEY, I DIDN'T HAVE NO NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI LAST TIME I CHECKED!
Crush on Narusegawa Naru whistles innocently.
Mutsumi looks at you expectantly.
DROP NO NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI
Dropped.
Mutsumi picks up your No Nookie with Mutsumi and hands it back to you.
"You dropped this."
DROP NO NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI
Dropped.
Mutsumi picks up your No Nookie with Mutsumi and hands it back to you.
"You dropped this."
DROP...HRM. OUT.
Out what?
OUT BATHROOM
You attempt to reveal the bathroom is gay, but you fail because everyone
already knows about his sexuality, since he marched in the last gay pride
parade with Danny the Street.
GO MUTSUMI'S ROOM
You don't have a Go Board.
GO TO MUTSUMI'S ROOM.
You go out to Mutsumi's Room.
Mutsumi's Room
It's a small, fairly traditional apartment. There's a large footwarmer
shoved into one corner, and a bedroll which is only half rolled up in the
middle of the room. One door leads outside, one leads to the kitchen, and
one leads to the bathroom. The walls are bare.
Naru is here, still stunned.
DROP NO MAD NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI
You drop it. It lands on Naru, waking her up, then bounces back into your
inventory.
Naru sits up and rubs her eyes. "What's going on?" She fumbles for her
glasses, which she doesn't have.
FLEE INTO BATHROOM
You flee into the bathroom.
ENTER BATHROOM
This small bathroom has two toilets and a double shower. In fact, it
looks like someone knocked out the wall between two bathrooms to make it
bigger. One door leads to Mutsumi's apartment, the other leads somewhere
else.
Tama-chan is here, taking a shower.
Mutsumi is here. She looks at you expectantly.
SAY "NOW WHAT?"
"You need to take off your clothing, so you can get clean all over,"
Mutsumi says, smiling.
TAKE OFF BOXER SHORTS
You take them off.
You hear footsteps outside the door.
Mutsumi looks at you expectantly.
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight
Tiredness
Head Bruise
Red Heart Boxers
Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi
Breathing Mask
Air Tank with 6 hours of Air (Worn)
Parachute Harness (Worn)
Plasma Rifle, 40 Watt Range
TAKE OFF PARACHUTE HARNESS AND AIR TANK
Done.
Mutsumi looks at you expectantly.
There is a knocking on the door.
HIDE BEHIND MUTSUMI
She blinks.
There is a knocking on the door.
Mutsumi says, "Can you see who it is, Keitaro? I'll get the shower
running. Oh, and you'd better not carry that plasma rifle into the
shower, or we'll both be electrocuted."
ANSWER DOOR
It didn't ask you a question.
PUT ON BOXER SHORTS
Wise choice.
OPEN DOOR.
Naru is standing there, completely dressed.
Naru says, "My head hurts. Where am I?"
SAY "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?"
Naru looks contemplative. "No."
SAY "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
Naru looks contemplative. "No."
SAY "WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A PHOTOSTICKER PICTURE WITH ME?"
Naru looks contemplative. "I need a bath and some better clothing,
first."
Your nose feels weird.
SAY "MUTSUMI AND I WERE ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH."
"Oh, well, I'll join you then, I guess." She squints her eyes at you.
"You're kinda mannish looking, you know."
SAVE GAME.
Saved.
SAY "I AM A GUY."
"PERVERT!" she screams and kicks you into the stratosphere.
RESTORE
Game Restored.
SAY "I HAVEN'T PUT ON ANY MAKEUP YET."
"Oh, that makes sense."
Naru comes in.
Mutsumi finishes fiddling with the shower. "It's ready," she says.
AM I NAKED?
I don't want to know.
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight
Tiredness
Head Bruise
Red Heart Boxers
Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi
Breathing Mask
Air Tank with 6 hours of Air
Parachute Harness
Plasma Rifle, 40 Watt Range
DROP PLASMA RIFLE
Dropped.
ENTER SHOWER
The one with or the one without Tama-chan in it?
ENTER SHOWER WITHOUT TAMA-CHAN
You get into the shower. The warm water is invigorating.
Mutsumi and Naru both take off their clothing.
STARE AT THEM
They're quite naked, but sadly for you, this game has no graphics.
Your nose feels really weird. So does...
CENSOR WHACKS PARSER
Oww! Well, you can guess what else feels weird.
HEY, I DIDN'T TYPE THAT!
NO, I DID.
CAN I AT LEAST GET SOME SUGGESTIVE TEXT?
Can he?
GO RIGHT AHEAD. HEHEHE.
You gaze at Mutsumi's ample bosom, your eyes following the curves of her
body and...
You nosebleed explosively, firing a tissue from each nostril. One strikes
Mutsumi in the forehead, knocking her out. She falls. The other beans
Naru between the eyes. She slips, kicking the plasma rifle. It flies up,
striking you in the groin. You pass out in agony.
AND A GRUE EATS ME?
No.
WHERE AM I?
Unconscious.
WAKE UP.
You wake up.
Mutsumi's Room
It's a small, fairly traditional apartment. There's a large footwarmer
shoved into one corner, and a bedroll which is only half rolled up in the
middle of the room. One door leads outside, one leads to the kitchen, and
one leads to the bathroom. The walls are bare.
Shinobu is in the kitchen, making soup.
Tama-chan flies out of the bathroom, circles your head, then flies out the
window.
WHAT IS SHINOBU DOING HERE?
Are you illiterate? She's in the kitchen, making soup.
LOOK AT ME
You are lying on Mutsumi's now spread out bedroll, wearing one of
Mutsumi's dresses.
I'M WEARING WHAT?
One of Mutsumi's dresses. You do have your boxers on under it, though.
ASK SHINOBU WHAT HAPPENED
"I came looking to see if Motoko-chan hurt you, but you were asleep here
in a dress," she says. "Are you going to a costume party?" she asks
nervously.
SAY "YES."
She relaxes. "Would you like some soup?"
Mitsune arrives. She is dressed snappily in a nice navy blue suit and is
wearing a fedora. She makes a beeline over to you. "There you are!"
SAY "YES, I WOULD LIKE SOME SOUP."
Shinobu gives you some Miso Soup.
Mitsune grabs you by the hand. "Come on! We have to go get our picture
taken right now!"
GO WITH MITSUNE
Mitsune drags you somewhere.
Somewhere
You're in a street, maybe. Or it could be a canyon. Without your
glasses, you can't tell for sure.
Mitsune is here, dragging you along and grinning.
SAY "WHERE ARE WE GOING?"
"To make you up for the Five Hundred Thousand Yen Transvestite Challenge.
This time, I'll win for sure! And afterwards, we can take that sticker
picture I promised you."
Mitsune drags you to a lot of places, and then...
Mitsune's Room
Mitsune's room is neatly furnished with a very nice bed by the window. As
with all the rooms, there's a sliding door to the closet, a window, and a
sliding door to the hallway.
Mitsune is here. She gets out all her makeup and sits you down in front
of the mirror.
LISTEN TO SEE IF MOTOKO IS COMING TO KILL ME
You don't hear any footsteps.
Mitsune starts making you up.
TELL MITSUNE TO HURRY.
"You can't rush a makeover, Keitaro," she says.
LISTEN FOR FOOTSTEPS.
There is only silence.
Mitsune works on making you up.
LISTEN FOR FOOTSTEPS.
There is only silence.
Mitsune works on making you up.
LISTEN FOR FOOTSTEPS.
There is only silence.
Mitsune works on making you up.
ASK MITSUNE TO TREAT MY HEAD BRUISE
"Do I look like a doctor?" She does cover it up with makeup so it won't
show, though.
Mitsune finishes making you up. "Let's go!"
ASK MITSUNE FOR MY GLASSES
"Do I look like an optometrist?"
Mitsune drags you across town.
A Stage Somewhere
You're on a big stage, in the wings, waiting your turn to go on with
Mitsune.
Kentaro is on the stage with Shinobu and Su. Su is wearing her native
garb and holding a guitar, while she has dressed Shinobu up as Elvis.
Shinobu looks rather displeased by this.
EH? HOW AM I OUT THERE AND OVER HERE?
He's Kentaro, you're Keitaro.
LOOK KENTARO
He's handsome, rich, well-dressed, and quite slick. And he's after Naru.
Crush on Narusegawa Naru urges you to keep him away from Naru.
Kentaro notices you looking at him. He smiles at you, and his teeth
glint. "Hey, cutie, you busy after the show?"
Your stomach churns.
"Hey, she doesn't come cheap, you know," Mitsune says. "Hundred thousand
yen per minute. But she's worth it."
SAY "I AM NOT A WHORE!"
"Yes, yes, you're a geisha, not a whore," Kentaro says reassuringly.
"Can I leave yet?" Shinobu asks.
"We have to do the Safety Dance first!" Su says. She starts dancing about
wildly with Shinobu.
TRIP SU
Su falls down.
SAY "RUN, SHINOBU, RUN!"
Shinobu runs for it.
Kentaro waggles a finger. "You could get disqualified."
BAT EYELASHES AT KENTARO
He smiles confidently. "But not when you look so nice." You get one
brownie point.
He steps up to the mike. "And our next couple, Keiko and Mifune Yoshida!"
STEP OUT WITH MITSUNE
You step out onto the stage. Dozens of cameras flash, and a TV camera
feeds your face all over Japan, as you realize this is on national TV.
Far away, your mother howls in shock and faints.
Mitsune poses with you for photos, eating up the adulation.
TAKE ADULATION
You're certainly getting a lot of it. Taken.
WIN CONTEST
You're being an awfully good sport about this.
I WANT MY CUT OF THE MONEY
Who said anything about you getting a cut?
...
Kentaro says, "Now, you must show off your talent!"
WAVE OBSESSION WITH PHOTO STICKERS TO THE CROWD
The crowd goes wild, cheering. You get one brownie point.
Mitsune twitches, then relaxes. "I got Keitaro to dress up in that outfit
for free!"
The crowd goes wild, cheering. "Keitaro! Marry me!" someone shouts.
SHUDDER
You shudder.
"Okay, now for our next couple..." You get ushered off the stage to wait
in the wings to see who wins.
The Wings
You're in the area just off stage. It is full of ropes and curtains and
old props from productions. A ladder leads up to the sound and light
booth, a door leads somewhere, and you get on stage from here.
There is a photo sticker booth here.
Mitsune is here, in drag.
POINT TO BOOTH
Mitsune blinks, then nods. "Okay, we can do it right now." She enters
the booth.
ENTER BOOTH
You enter the booth with Mitsune.
ACTIVATE BOOTH
You snap off a good two dozen photo stickers in various poses, then each
take half of them. You get TEN brownie points. Only five more
photostickers to go!
I DON'T SUPPOSE I COULD COUNT THE ONE I HAVE OF MUTSUMI AND TAMA-CHAN
TOWARDS MY TOTAL?
No.
LEAVE BOOTH
You leave the booth.
Mitsune follows you.
Kentaro enters.
Kentaro says, "Ahh, there you are." He stares at you intently, trying to
hypnotise you with his eyes.
GIVE ADULATION OF FANS OF TRANSVESTITES TO KENTARO
He takes it, polishes it with a handkerchief for you, then hands it back.
"Kiss me and I'll declare you the winner."
SAY "I'M A GUY, YOU IDIOT!"
He blinks. "Isn't this the Hina Love Contest?"
SAY "NO, IT'S A TRANSVESTITE CONTEST."
Kentaro turns pale. "But...but...I've been kissing all the women!"
SAY "THEY'RE ALL MEN."
Kentaro turns white as paper and passes out.
Mitsune begins to rifle through his pockets.
LOOT KENTARO
This isn't D&D, you know.
LOOT THE BODY! NOW!
Okay, okay. You and Mitsune shake him down. She takes the prize money
and gives you his bus pass, an Unabridged Works of Shakespeare, and a bag
of Scooby Snacks.
SAY "MITSUNE, GIVE ME MY CUT OF THE PRIZE"
She shakes her head. "I just did. I never promised you any money.
But..." She looks impish. "Would you like a kiss of victory?"
SAY "YES"
She steps in closer to you, wraps her arms around you, and...
Shinobu enters, still wearing an Elvis suit. "Sempai! Hide me...Sempai?"
Her eyes widen.
SAVE GAME
Game Saved.
KISS MITSUNE
Mitsune starts in surprise, then leans into it, blushing. "You know,
you're not half bad at this." She sounds thoughtful.
Su walks in. "There you are, Shinobu! Oh, hi, sempai! You look good in
a dress!"
Shinobu just stares at you in abject shock.
GRAB SU AND SHINOBU
Mitsune blinks as you run over and grab both of them.
"Sempai?" Shinobu asks in confusion.
"Whee! Are we gonna fly again?" Su asks.
ENTER BOOTH
You drag them into the booth.
ACTIVATE BOOTH
You take a photosticker of yourself with both of them. Now you have three
of your six you need. You get twenty brownie points.
Shinobu faints from all the stress.
Su puts on a doctor outfit. "Stand back, I'll give her CPR."
STAND BACK
It's too crowded in here to stand back.
Mitsune comes in. "Hey, we weren't done kissing!"
Su bends down to give Shinobu mouth to mouth, and her butt sets off the
photo sticker machine.
There is a Very Embarrassing Photo Sticker here now.
TAKE VERY EMBARRASSING PHOTO STICKER
Taken. While you bend to get it, Mitsune wraps herself around you from
behind.
Shinobu wakes up. "Sempai, am I dead and in hell?"
GIVE MISO SOUP TO SHINOBU.
She takes it and starts eating it so she won't have to think about what's
going on. You get one brownie point.
Su stands up triumphantly, unbalancing how everyone is arranged. The
booth topples over, falling on the side with the door. You are now
trapped in the photo sticker booth with Shinobu, Su, and Mitsune.
You hear footsteps.
IS IT MOKOTO?
Your hearing isn't good enough to tell.
KISS MITSUNE
You smooch with Mitsune, figuring that if you're going to die anyway, you
might as well enjoy life while you can. She cuddles up to you. The floor
feels strangely lumpy.
LOOK AT FLOOR
You're on top of Su and Shinobu and a bowl of Miso Soup.
HELP SHINOBU UP WHILE STANDING ON SU
That's not very nice.
DO IT ANYWAY
"Thank you, Sempai," Shinobu says. She's now lying on top of you, as
there isn't actually anywhere for her to stand.
Su wriggles through the corner of the photobooth, vanishing into the
angles of time.
...
Me too.
Mitsune kisses your cheek. "Oh, Keitaro..."
KISS MITSUNE
Shinobu turns red. "Sempai! What about Naru?"
Crush on Narusegawa Naru drops No Photo Sticker Booth Nookie with Mitsune
into your inventory.
CURSES, FOILED AGAIN
Mitsune puts her hand over Shinobu's eyes. "Kiss me again, Keitaro."
Someone knocks on the photo sticker booth. "Is there anyone in there?"
SAVE GAME
Game saved.
SAY IN FALSETTO, "NO ONE HERE BUT US GIRLS."
"That pervert Keitaro isn't in there, is he? I hear he's been
crossdressing today," Motoko says.
BLAME CANADA
"A curse on those evil Canadians! So they made him into a pervert?"
BLAME AMERICAN TV
"Yes, the Brady Bunch could do that to anyone! I'll go destroy them both
right now!"
ASK MOTOKO TO GET US OUT OF HERE
"No problem." She chops the booth into toothpicks.
TAKE TOOTHPICKS
You don't HAVE to take everything I mention
TAKE TOOTHPICKS!
Taken.
Motoko looks at you with narrowed eyes. "You look like Keitaro."
CLAIM TO BE HIS TWIN SISTER
"Oh, that makes sense," she says. "So why is your brother so...so..."
SAY "SEXY?"
"Exactly." She freezes up. "No, I mean, why won't he leave me alone to
wallow in my angst? I'm supposed to be lonely and bitter because my
sister gave up the sword to marry a man! But then he comes around and I
get these weird thoughts!"
Mitsune kisses your cheek. "C'mon, let's go make out."
Motoko narrows her eyes. "Is this...man...bothering you?"
SAY "NO, HE'S MY FIANCEE."
Mitsune blushes. "You want to get married? But I...uh...I mean...we're
so young...and you don't have a job yet...But I mean...maybe once you get
into Tokyo University so you can get a degree and support me..."
Crush on Narusegawa Naru pimpslaps you.
Shinobu blushes. "Sempai, you're marrying Kitsune-san?"
Motoko turns red with anger. "Demanding a woman take care of YOU? You
are a truly evil man!"
INTERPOSE SELF BETWEEN THEM
You sure about that?
YES
Good for you. You stand between them. "Don't hurt my fiancee!" you say.
Motoko raises her sword. You recognize this as that nifty attack that
goes right through one thing without hurting it to smash whatever is
behind it.
SAVE GAME
Game saved
OFFER MOTOKO A SCOOBY SNACK
She doesn't notice. The sword comes down and the chi passes through you
and into Mitsune, knocking her through the wall, through twelve buildings,
and into an iron foundry, which promptly collapses on her.
RESTORE
Game Restored.
POKE OUT MOTOKO'S EYES WITH TOOTHPICKS
Your arms are too short to reach her from here. The sword comes down and
the chi passes through you and into Mitsune, knocking her through the
wall, through twelve buildings, and into an iron foundry, which promptly
collapses on her.
RESTORE
Game Restored.
GRAB SWORD WITH BOTH HANDS
Your arms are too short to reach her from here. The sword comes down and
the chi passes through you and into Mitsune, knocking her through the
wall, through twelve buildings, and into an iron foundry, which promptly
collapses on her.
RESTORE
Game Restored.
GRAB MITSUNE AND PUT HER IN FRONT OF ME
You quickly switch places with her. The blow strikes you, leaving Mitsune
unharmed. She stares in shock as you go flying up into the air.
"Keitaro! You..." You can't hear the rest of what she said.
You zoom upwards.
High Above Something or Another
You're over some part of the city, but you can't see clearly enough to
tell where exactly you are.
BRACE FOR LANDING
You zoom upwards.
High Above The City You Live In
You are hundreds of feet above the city you live in. You can see it
spread out below you.
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Photosticker of you in drag with Mitsune
Photosticker of you in drag with Shinobu and Su
Very Embarrassing Photosticker
Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi
No Photo Sticker Booth Nookie with Mitsune
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight
Tiredness
Adulation of Fans of Transvestites
Head Bruise (hidden by makeup)
Red Heart Boxers (Worn)
Breathing Mask
Air Tank with 6 hours of Air
Parachute Harness
Mutsumi's Blue Dress (Worn)
Bus Pass
Bag of Scooby Snacks
Unabridged Works of Shakespeare
Toothpicks
You zoom upwards
High Above Japan
You are floating somewhere in the lower atmosphere above central Japan.
PUT ON BREATHING MASK AND AIR TANK
Done.
You fly upwards, even higher.
Very High Above Japan
You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Japan. The air
is thin here.
PUT ON PARACHUTE HARNESS
Done.
OPEN PARACHUTE
What parachute?
You drift upwards, even higher.
Extremely High Up Over Asia
You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Asia. The air is
almost non-existent here. It's very cold.
Fortunately, the dress you're wearing is very modest and it's keeping you
warm. And you're not dripping wet this time.
TURN DRESS INTO PARACHUTE
A good idea, but you need some string or something else to tie it into the
right shape with.
TAKE OFF DRESS
Done.
You start to get cold.
USE TOOTHPICKS TO ATTACH BLOUSE ARMS EACH TO OPPOSITE SIDE OF SKIRT AND
TO PIN TOP OF SKIRT SHUT
...
WELL?
You do so. You get three brownie points.
You begin to fall, slowly at first.
Very High Above Japan
You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Japan. The air
is thin here.
You feel a little bit warmer.
USE TOOTHPICKS TO PIN BLOUSE TO PARACHUTE HARNESS
Done. You get two brownie points.
The air is too thin for the parachute to work here.
You fall more swiftly now.
High Above Japan
You are floating somewhere in the lower atmosphere above central Japan.
As you speed up, your legs start getting hot.
OPEN THE PARACHUTE
Done. You get three brownie points.
The skirt billows, slowing your fall. You drift gently downwards.
High Above The City You Live In
You are hundreds of feet above the city you live in. You can see it
spread out below you.
STEER FOR THE HINA INN
You try to steer, but you can't see well enough, and you're not very
experienced at this
You drift downwards.
High Above Steps
You're over a long staircase, you think. There's some balding blurs on
the stairs
AVOID BLURS
You manage to do so.
You touch down gently, and then the parachute falls on you.
SAVE GAME
Game Saved.
CLIMB OUT FROM UNDER IT
You are eaten by a retired, hot springs loving grue while you try to climb
out.
I ALWAYS KNEW THOSE OLD MEN WERE UP TO NO GOOD.
Yep. Do you want your final score?
RESTORE
Game Restored.
TOSS OUT VERY EMBARRASSING PHOTOSTICKER
You throw it out, and the old grues begin to look at it and laugh
hysterically. You can feel your male pride shrivelling as they laugh
about you in a dress. But you do get one brownie point.
RUN BACK TO THE INN WHILE THEY ARE BUSY
You start to run, but the dress is slowing you down.
The old grues are still laughing, but not as hard.
ABANDON HARNESS AND PARACHUTE
Done.
The old grues chuckle.
RUN UP STEPS TO INN.
You sprint up the steps.
Front doors of Hina Inn
You're at the top of the long steps, in front of the Hina Inn. The doors
hang open welcomingly.
GO TO MY ROOM
You can't see your room.
GO IN
You go inside.
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn.
NORTH
You go north.
Keitaro's Bedroom
Your bedroom is fairly spartan. The walls are largely unadorned, although
you have sliding doors to your closet. There's a hole in the ceiling with
a board over it on the top side. You have a fair number of books,
especially your sticker collection scrapbooks. There's also a bedroll
currently unrolled with sheets on it. You're lying on the bed.
There is a bed here.
There is a scrapbook of stickers here.
FIND GLASSES
You find your glasses
TAKE GLASSES
You take your glasses
PUT ON GLASSES
You put on your glasses
LOCK DOOR
Sadly, your door has no lock.
PUT MY PHOTOSTICKERS IN SCRAPBOOK
You do so. There's three empty slots waiting for the ones you don't have
yet.
LIE DOWN AND TAKE NAP
You can't do that.
WHY?
You're wearing your glasses.
TAKE OFF GLASSES
Done.
LIE DOWN AND TAKE NAP
You don't see any nap.
LIE DOWN
You lie down on the bed.
SLEEP
You sleep for several hours, finally getting the rest you need. You get
one brownie point. Eventually, you wake up with some sort of warm
cylindrical thing on your back.
PUT ON GLASSES
You do so.
LOOK
Keitaro's Bedroom
Your bedroom is fairly spartan. The walls are largely unadorned, although
you have sliding doors to your closet. There's a hole in the ceiling with
a board over it on the top side. You have a fair number of books,
especially your sticker collection scrapbooks. There's also a bedroll
currently unrolled with sheets on it. You're lying on the bed.
There is a bed here.
Bed Contains:
You
Naked Mutsumi sprawled with one leg on your back
There is a scrapbook of stickers here.
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi
No Photo Sticker Booth Nookie with Mitsune
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight (Corrected by Glasses)
Adulation of Fans of Transvestites
Head Bruise (hidden by makeup)
Glasses (Worn)
Red Heart Boxers (Worn)
Breathing Mask (Worn)
Air Tank with 3 hours of Air (Worn)
Bus Pass
Bag of Scooby Snacks
Unabridged Works of Shakespeare
LOOK SUSPICIOUSLY UP AT HOLE IN CEILING
Naru sticks her head down through the hole. "Hey, Mutsumi, you need to
watch out for the hole..." She sees you. "Keitaro, are you naked in bed
with Mutsumi-chan???"
SAY "I'M WEARING BOXERS, A BREATHING MASK AND AN AIR TANK!"
"Oh, right, you are. Here, give Mutsumi-chan this clothing while I come
down to you." She throws you a red dress.
GIVE DRESS TO MUTSUMI
Mutsumi is unconscious and can't accept your kind gift.
WAKE MUTSUMI WITH A KISS
You're still wearing a breathing mask.
EXPERIENCE DEJA VU
Feel free.
TAKE OFF BREATHING MASK
Done.
KISS MUTSUMI
She wakes up and smiles at you. "Hello, Keitaro."
GIVE DRESS TO MUTSUMI
She takes the dress and puts it on.
You hear footsteps in the hallway.
GET CLOTHING FOR ME
You get up and go to your closet to get dressed.
There is a knock on the door.
SAY "COME IN."
Motoko comes in. "Is Keitaro here?"
HIDE IN CLOSET
You press back in among your clothing.
"He's hiding in the closet," Mutsumi says helpfully.
WHIMPER
You whimper.
"Hey, Keitaro, did you know your sister is getting married?"
SAY "YES"
"She sacrificed herself to save her fiancee. I can respect that, for her
sake, I won't beat you up any more until you deserve it."
PUT ON SOME CLOTHING
You get dressed.
SAY "MOTOKO, WOULD YOU TAKE A STICKER PICTURE WITH ME?"
"I can only take a sticker picture with a man who defeats me in hand to
hand combat."
WHIMPER
You whimper.
Mutsumi says, "Keitaro, are you okay?"
You hear footsteps in your room.
COME OUT OF THE CLOSET
We've already done that joke.
LEAVE CLOSET
You step out into the room.
Keitaro's Bedroom
Your bedroom is fairly spartan. The walls are largely unadorned, although
you have sliding doors to your closet. There's a hole in the ceiling with
a board over it on the top side. You have a fair number of books,
especially your sticker collection scrapbooks. There's also a bedroll
currently unrolled with sheets on it. You're lying on the bed.
There is a bed here.
There is a scrapbook of stickers here.
Naru is here.
Mutsumi is here.
Motoko is here.
DEFEAT MOTOKO IN HAND TO HAND COMBAT
You rush her, and she casually flicks her scabbard at you, as that's all
she needs. You go flying up into the air.
You zoom up over the city, but she didn't give you much force this time.
You come crashing down through a roof into...
Seta's Workplace
You're in Seta's Archaeology workshop, full of old artifacts and tools for
working on them.
Seta is here.
Sara McDougal is here.
Broken Artifacts are here.
Mi-Go Brain Case is here.
Excalibur is here.
Large Urn is here.
Sarcophagus is here.
Rare Artifacts are here.
Seta says, "Hi, Keitaro. Can you clean up those artifacts you just landed
on while I go get a soda?"
SAY "YES, IF YOU TRAIN ME IN HAND TO HAND COMBAT"
"Trying to beat Motoko?"
Sara stands behind her father, juggling Rare Artifacts.
POINT AT SARA
Seta turns, but Sara puts the artifacts down before he can see her. "You
need to defeat Sara?"
SAY "NO, MOTOKO."
"You don't need to beat Motoko?" He turns back to you.
Sara stands behind her father, juggling Rare Artifacts.
SAY "I NEED TO BEAT MOTOKO"
"Then you'll need to train with a swordsmaster. I'm too busy with my
work."
SAY "CAN I HAVE EXCALIBUR?"
"If you'll babysit Sara for a while."
You get a feeling of impending doom.
SAY "YES"
"Okay, I'm going to go have mad passionate sex with Haruka-san. I'll be
back in a few hours. Just keep an eye on Sara, okay?"
Sara drops Rare Arfifacts.
Rare Artifacts break.
"Daddy, don't leave me with that punk! Take me with you!" Sara clings to
his leg.
CLEAN UP ALL THE BROKEN ARTIFACTS.
You start cleaning them up while Seta argues with Sara.
Seta finally says, "I'm off to get some! See you two later!"
Seta leaves.
Sara begins looking at the Mi-Go Brain Case, then at you, then at it
contemplatively.
AM I DONE CLEANING UP ARTIFACTS?
No.
FINISH CLEANING UP ARTIFACTS
While you work on that, Sara takes a tape measure and measures your skull
circumference.
AM I DONE?
No.
FINISH CLEANING UP ARTIFACTS
While you work on that, Sara begins digging through her father's tools.
AM I DONE?
No.
FINISH CLEANING UP ARTIFACTS
While you work on that, Sara pulls out a chainsaw.
TAKE EXCALIBUR
Taken
Sara approaches you with the chainsaw.
SAVE GAME
Game Saved.
PARRY WITH EXCALIBUR
You block her attack. She tries again.
PARRY WITH EXCALIBUR
You block her attack. She tries again.
PARRY WITH EXCALIBUR
You block her attack. She goes for a leg shot.
JUMP KICK SARA
You jump kick her, dodging the attack. She staggers back towards the
sarcophagus, dropping the chainsaw.
KICK SARA INTO SARCOPHAGUS
You kick her into the sarcophagus.
CLOSE SARCOPHAGUS
You close it. She starts to pound on the lid.
SIT ON SARCOPHAGUS UNTIL SETA RETURNS
You sit on the lid for a very long time while she pounds on the lid from
inside.
Seta returns, looking cheerful. "Did she give you any trouble?"
SAY "NOTHING I COULDN'T HANDLE."
"Good. Take Excalibur with my blessing."
SAY "WHERE CAN I FIND A SWORDMASTER?"
"You must go to Mount Hina and train with the master there."
GO TO MOUNT HINA
It's an awfully long walk.
USE BUS PASS TO TAKE BUS TO MOUNT HINA
Good idea. You get a brownie point
Base of Mount Hina
You're at the base of a large mountain which rises up into the clouds far
above. There's a long staircase up.
GO UP
You head up the staircase.
On the Staircase
You're on a staircase partway up the slope of Mount Hina.
GO UP
You head up the staircase.
On the Staircase
You're on a staircase partway up the slope of Mount Hina.
GO UP
You head up the staircase.
On the Staircase
You're on a staircase partway up the slope of Mount Hina.
LOOK AROUND SUSPICOUSLY
You don't see anything suspicious
AM I MAKING ANY PROGRESS?
Define Progress.
AM I CLOSER TO THE TOP?
Than Su is, yes.
HOW MUCH FURTHER DO I HAVE TO GO?
Until you're done
EXAMINE STAIRCASE
It's an escalator going down.
GET OFF STAIRCASE
You step off it.
CLIMB MOUNTAIN
You climb up the mountain. Finally, you reach the top.
Top of Mount Hina
There is a small palace here. An escalator leads down the mountain, and
you can see another one on the other side of the mountain which comes up.
A middle-aged, dark-haired man is here, practicing sword forms in a
tuxedo.
SAY "MASTER, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? I AM URASHIMA KEITARO."
He bows to you. "I am Millard Fillmore, thirteenth president of the
United States, American Samurai."
BLINK
You blink.
SAY "AREN'T YOU DEAD?"
"I got better."
SAY "CAN YOU TRAIN ME TO DEFEAT MOTOKO IN HAND TO HAND COMBAT?"
"Do you have a spare decade?"
SAY "NO"
"Then you're out of luck."
Millard Fillmore's stomach rumbles.
OFFER FILLMORE-SAMA A SCOOBY SNACK
He takes it and eats it. "Hmm, perhaps I could trade you something that
could help you if you had more of these."
TRADE SCOOBY SNACKS FOR SOMETHING TO HELP ME
Millard Fillmore looks you up and down thoughtfully, then reaches into a
pocket and pulls out a big can of whoopass. He hands it to you. "Use it
wisely."
BOW TO FILLMORE-SAMA
He bows back.
GO FIND MOTOKO
There is no Find Motoko to go to.
DOWN
You climb down the mountain.
Base of Mount Hina
You're at the base of a large mountain which rises up into the clouds far
above. There's a long staircase up.
TAKE BUS TO HINA INN
Okay, you flash your bus pass and take the bus home.
Front doors of Hina Inn
You're at the top of the long steps, in front of the Hina Inn. The doors
hang open welcomingly.
GO TO MY ROOM
You can't see your room.
GO IN
You go inside.
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn. Your room is to the North.
EAST
You go east.
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn. Mitsune's room is to the North.
EAST
You go east.
Hallway
You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much
of the interior of the Hina Inn. Motoko's room is to the North.
SAVE GAME
Game Saved
NORTH
You walk into Motoko's room, right as she's changing out of a towel into
her kendo outfit.
SPRAY DOWN MOTOKO WITH CAN OF WHOOPASS
Nothing can defeat a righteously angry anime woman. She swings with her
sword and knocks the can of whoopass out of your hands, then raises the
sword for another blow.
RUN FOR LIFE
She strikes you with her distance attack, sending you flying into the
upper atmosphere.
RESTORE
Game Restored.
KNOCK ON DOOR
"Just a second," Motoko says.
WAIT FOR MOTOKO
Nothing happens.
WAIT FOR MOTOKO
Nothing happens.
DO I HEAR THE PUTTING ON OF PANTS?
Yes.
WAIT FOR MOTOKO
Nothing happens.
Godot arrives from the east.
SAY "HELLO, GODOT."
He waves. "I'm looking for these two fellows. I was supposed to meet
them, but I can't remember where I left them."
SAY "IN A DIFFERENT WORK OF FICTION THAN THIS ONE."
"Oh, RIGHT! I kept wondering why this didn't look familiar." He bows.
"Can I help you with anything?"
ASK FOR PHOTO STICKER BOOTH
"You're in luck, I have one left." He gives you a photo sticker booth.
You get one brownie point.
BOW TO GODOT-SAMA
He bows back, tips his hat, and leaves.
Motoko comes out. "Oh, hi, Urashima-san."
CHALLENGE MOTOKO TO DUEL
"Okay, sure," she says, drawing her sword.
HOSE DOWN MOTOKO WITH CAN OF WHOOPASS
You hose her down, knocking her out. You get three brownie points.
WAIT FOR MOTOKO TO WAKE UP
Nothing Happens.
SKIP AHEAD TO WHEN SOMETHING DOES HAPPEN
You're no fun.
Motoko wakes up.
SAY "READY FOR THE PHOTOSTICKER?"
"You actually beat me." She sounds very confused.
BRANDISH CAN OF WHOOPASS
"Ahh, I see Father gave you his can of whoopass," she says. "Let's take
the picture, then. It is fate."
ENTER BOOTH
You're holding it.
DROP BOOTH
Dropped.
ENTER BOOTH
You enter the booth.
Motoko enters the booth.
TAKE PHOTOSTICKER PICTURE
It comes out perfect, with both of you surrounded by a frame of interlaced
swords. You get ten points.
SAY "THANK YOU."
To your surprise, she blushes slightly. "Since we will soon be married,
it is appropriate."
SAY "MARRIED?"
"Before I left home, Father made me promise I would marry whoever he gave
his can of whoopass to." She looks at the can. "That is his can."
TWITCH
You twitch.
Crush on Narusegawa Naru pimpslaps you for getting into this.
LOOK AT MOTOKO
She looks somewhat embarrassed. She's cute when she blushes like that.
Cute like a dressed up rattlesnake, perhaps, but cute.
PUT HAND ON MOTOKO'S SHOULDER
She blinks.
SAY "I WON'T MAKE YOU MARRY ME."
"I must honor my promise. And you are a good man. Perhaps we can have a
double wedding with your sister and her fiancee."
TWITCH MORE
You twitch
You hear someone outside the booth.
LEAVE BOOTH
You leave the booth.
Naru is here, holding hands with Mutsumi.
Motoko leaves the booth.
SAY "NARU AND MUTSUME, WOULD YOU TAKE A PHOTOSTICKER PICTURE WITH ME?"
Mutsumi says, "Sure, Kei-kun."
Naru says, "Once we pass our exams, we can take a photosticker picture to
celebrate."
PASS EXAM
There is no exam here.
SAY "LET'S GO STUDY"
Everyone blinks.
Naru checks your forehead. "No fever."
Mutsumi smiles. "Ronin Trio to battle!" She drags you both off to Naru's
Room.
Naru's Room
Naru's room is one you know well, though for once you're not poking your
head up through the hole in your floor. There's a very nice foot warmer
in the center of the room, which has various school books piled on it.
There's a board over the hole with a yellow doll on it.
Naru sits at the footwarmer.
Mutsume sits at the footwarmer.
SIT AT THE FOOTWARMER
You sit.
PASS EXAM
What exam?
Naru hands out sample exams to you and Mutsumi.
Mutsumi faints for no particular reason.
KISS M...INVENTORY
INVENTORY
You are carrying:
Promise to Enter Tokyo University
Obsession with Photo Stickers
Photosticker of Keitaro and Motoko
Crush on Narusegawa Naru
No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi
No Photo Sticker Booth Nookie with Mitsune
Artistic Ability
Bad Eyesight (Corrected by Glasses)
Adulation of Fans of Transvestites
Head Bruise (hidden by makeup)
Glasses (Worn)
Blue Maison Ikkoku T-Shirt (worn)
Blue Jeans (worn)
Red Heart Boxers (Worn)
Breathing Mask (Worn)
Air Tank with 3 hours of Air (Worn)
Bus Pass
Unabridged Works of Shakespeare
Excalibur
Can of Whoopass
TAKE OFF MASK AND AIR TANK
Done.
KISS MITSUMI
Naru stops you. "Hey, you can't just kiss her in front of me!"
KISS NARU
Naru's eyes widen in shock as you smooch her. After a moment's
hesitation, she leans into it.
LOOK AT CRUSH ON NARU NARUSEGAWA FOR APPROVAL
"You have my blessing," it says.
HAVE MAD NOOKIE WITH NARU
You begin intensely making out with her.
Motoko walks in.
Shinobu walks in.
Mitsune walks in.
Mutsumi wakes up.
SAVE GAME
Game Saved.
DO THEY KILL ME?
Naru makes out with you some more.
Motoko gasps.
Shinobu blushes.
Su erupts out of a corner, riding a Hound of Tindalos. "Get along, little
doggie!" she shouts.
Mitsune says, "Hey, you proposed to me first!"
Mutsumi kisses both of you on the cheek. "I like you, Kei-kun. I like
you, Naru-chan." She smiles. Tama-chan lands on her head.
PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO EVERYONE
Naru is too busy kissing you to reply.
Motoko says weakly, "We're already engaged."
Shinobu gulps, "Do you really mean it, Sempai?"
Su says, "Sure thing, Big Brother!" She rides round and round you.
Mitsune says, "If I get to handle the money for this family, sure."
Mutsumi says, "Sure!"
DO I WIN?
Your goal is photostickers, not marriage.
HAVE MAD NOOKIE WITH EVERYONE, THEN GO TAKE PHOTO STICKER PICTURES WITH
EVERYONE
Crush on Naru Narusegawa gets jealous and pimpslaps you before you can
suggest it.
SAY "SHINOBU, YES, I AM SERIOUS."
"Okay, then...I will marry you!" she says and hugs you. You get six
brownie points.
Naru says, "You have to get into Tokyo University, and then we can all get
married!"
PICK UP EVERYONE.
Taken.
You wobble under the weight.
PUT EVERYONE IN SHIRT POCKET
You don't have a shirt pocket.
RUN TO EXAM PLACE
You run as fast as you can, staggering into the exam room. Unfortunately,
the next exam isn't for two months.
ASK SU TO USE THE HOUND TO TAKE US TWO MONTHS INTO THE FUTURE
"Sure thing, big brother!" She yanks you all through one of the corners
on the Hound's back. You arrive two months in the future, and the poor
Hound collapses, exhausted. You get five brownie points.
Exam Room
This is a room where entrance exams are held. There are many students
here.
TAKE EXAM WITH MUTSUMI AND NARU
What about the others?
ASK THEM TO WATCH FOR DANGER
Motoko nods and stands alert, armed with her sword.
Su sits on her Hound, armed with a Plasma Rifle
Shinobu blinks.
GIVE EXCALIBUR TO MOTOKO
She stares in surprise. "You honor me with this gift." She bows, then
stands alert with it.
TAKE EXAM WITH MUTSUMI AND NARU
The three of you sit down and start working on your exams.
MAKE SURE MUTSUMI PUT RIGHT NAME ON HER EXAM
"Oh, silly me. That would help." She corrects it.
WORK ON MY EXAM
You work on it. It's easy now that you no longer have an Inability to
Pass College Exams.
Sara McDougal has arrived, carrying a long black blade that howls for
blood.
The exam monitor says, "I'm sorry, but evil artifact weapons are not
allowed during exams. You might steal someone's answers with them."
SAY "RUN, MONITOR, RUN!"
He blinks. "Run from what?"
Sara McDougal leaps at you, sword out. "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"
SAY "MOTOKO, TAKE HER DOWN"
Motoko begins fighting, sword to sword with Sara. You get two brownie
points.
Kentaro comes in and makes a beeline for Naru, who is puzzling over a
problem
SAY "SHINOBU, PLEASE GIVE KENTARO A WEDGIE"
She blushes. "I can't touch his underwear."
The Exam Monitor says, "No talking during the exam."
WORK ON EXAM
You continue
Kentaro begins to talk to Naru, distracting her.
UNLEASH CRUSH ON NARU NARUSEGAWA
It bounds across the room and leaps onto Kentaro. He flees for his life
with it in hot pursuit.
WORK ON EXAM
You continue working. You're now mostly done. But you're stumped on
identifying the source of the quote "It is a tale told by an idiot, full
of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
CONSULT UNABRIDGED WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE
That would be cheating.
ARE YOU INSINUATING SOMETHING?
Do you want to get into Tokyo University by cheating?
I WANT NOOKIE
I'd gathered that much.
HOLD ON...
Hey, you're not consulting Shakespeare where I can't see you, are you?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
Good.
I USED A WEB SEARCH
Hrmph.
ANSWER QUESTION WITH 'SHAKESPEARE'S PLAY, MACBETH'
Right. You get a brownie point.
WORK ON EXAM
You work on the exam.
Motoko disarms Sara and begins to spank her. Sara whines piteously for
her father.
WORK ON EXAM
You work on the exam
Mutsumi finishes her exam, but faints instead of turning it in.
ASK SHINOBU TO TURN THE EXAM IN FOR HER
Shinobu nods and takes it up to the front.
WORK ON EXAM
You work on the exam
Mitsune latches onto you and snuggles. "C'mon, better hurry up!"
KISS MITSUNE
You kiss her.
The exam monitor says, "No kissing. You might be swapping DNA encoded
with exam answers." He pries you apart from each other with the Jaws of
No Fondling.
WORK ON EXAM
You are nearly finished.
You hear a van approaching.
FINISH EXAM QUICKLY
You finish the exam.
A van crashes through the wall.
SAVE NARU FROM THE VAN
You run over and heft Naru, her desk, and her exam and run out of the way.
Everyone scatters. The van hits your desk, knocking your exam papers into
the air.
SAY "MITSUNE, SAVE MY EXAM!"
Mitsune uses her secret ninja training to leap into the air, grab all the
papers, then land on the roof of the van, before vaulting down to turn in
your test for you.
Naru continues working on her test.
Seta stumbles out of the van. "There you are, Sara!" Blood is streaming
down his face.
LOOK INSIDE VAN
There is a photo sticker booth inside the van.
OFFER SETA A HANDKERCHIEF
You don't have one.
OFFER SETA MY CONDOLENCES
You don't have any.
HOSE SETA DOWN WITH A CAN OF WHOOPASS
He screams and collapses. Oddly, the blood on his face vanishes.
WAIT FOR NARU TO TURN HER TEST IN
Naru turns her test in, then comes over and takes your hand. "Now, we
just wait for the results in a few days."
HAVE HOUND TAKE US ALL TO THE FUTURE WHEN THE RESULTS ARE POSTED
It looks at you mournfully.
THREATEN HOUND WITH CAN
It sighs and drags you all to the future.
CHECK GRADES
You, Naru, and Mutsumi all passed the exam. You get three brownie points.
TAKE PHOTO STICKER PICTURES WITH EVERYONE!
There is no booth here. You left it in the past.
GO TO PHOTO STICKER BOOTH
Where?
CARRY EVERYONE BACK TO HINA INN
Okay, you do. Then you collapse exhausted.
CRAWL TO PHOTO STICKER BOOTH OUTSIDE MOTOKO'S ROOM
You reach the booth, barely.
GO INSIDE WITH EVERYONE
You all cram yourself into the booth. It's hard to breathe.
ACTIVATE BOOTH
You take a photosticker of yourself with everyone, though it's hard to
make out faces when you're all so crowded together. You get thirty
brownie points.
You have won! Congratulations.
HEY, I DIDN'T GET ANY NOOKIE!
Well, duh. This is Photo Sticker Quest, not Nookie Quest.
I WANT MY MONEY BACK!
Complain to Bailesucom, not me. Anyway, you won, so be quiet and bask in
your victory. The game's over.
THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
I can't actually stop until you type Quit.
I REFUSE TO QUIT UNTIL I GET SOME NOOKIE
Fine.
Parser hands Some Nookie to you.
I WANT EXPLICIT, ON SCREEN NOOKIE, PREFERABLY IN 20 PARAGRAPHS OR MORE
PER GIRL
This is a PG rated game. And half of them are underage, anyway!
AND?
Fine. You can just stay here and wait. I'm going to Disneyland.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
Sure I can.
Parser grabs can of whoopass.
HEY!
Hehe.
Parser sprays down Player with Can of Whoopass.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that finishes that.
Parser goes to Disneyland.
GAME OVER. YOU HAVE SCORED A LOT OF POINTS WE'RE TOO LAZY TO COUNT, AS
THE PARSER LEFT FOR DISNEYLAND WITHOUT FINISHING HIS TOTAL.
THANKS FOR PLAYING!
John Walter Biles : MA-History, ABD, Ph.D Candidate at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu http://www.dkcomm.net/rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net http://maison-otaku.net/~rhea/
"That all princes shall kiss the foot of the Pope alone."--Dictatus Papae,
11th century