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allyn yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
At last he'd won. Chortling snidely to himself,
Ryouga wrapped length after length of heavy iron chain
around the slender limbs of his enemy. He ignored her
mewling pitiful cries for mercy, the same way he
ignored how her flaming red hair looked spread across
the jet black volcanic sand of the deserted yet lushly
tropical island he'd lured her to; the same
Hey, everyone *always* ignores the hair colors.
way he ignored how her pert breasts yearned toward the
sun, high in the sky, that was slowly toasting her
warm flesh a golden brown without causing an unsightly
burn.
The narrator, however, did not ignore any of these things.
HIROSHI: Yeah! Good thing, too!
DAISUKE: Fan service is what makes life worth living!
GARY: Did you guys write this fic?
"Let you go." Ryouga gave a harsh bark of laughter,
scowling in a way that brought his rugged yet not
unhandsome masculine features into stark relief.
Against his will the helpless cursed, pig-tailed,
will, the
usually-Chinese-clad martial-artist found himself
feeling feelings he'd never felt before.
RANMA:I have the urge to read a book! And clean up my room!
"Let you go;" Ryouga repeated, clenching one scarred
fist in anguish, his features darkening at some
private and unnameable sorrow that made Ranma want to
soothe his brow and run her hands over his broad
muscular shoulders.
You've switched from his to her right in the middle of a sentence
there... but given the way the story's going, I'm guessing it to be
intentional.
"Let you go!" Ryouga was grimly amused at the
thought. "After all the trouble I went to to lure you
here with a false map that was supposed to show the
location of the Lost-Bottling-Plant-of-Mu? Lost for
thousands of years but to which I happened to find a
map showing it's location?" He threw back his head and
its
"Why are you doing this to me?" Ranma's perky yet
petite bosom heaved in futile defiance, a trickle of
perspiration running down her taut, tanned stomach and
between her silken thighs into the forest of dusky red
curls that protected the sweetly feminine core of her
woman-hood. "Is it because I taunted you all those
years? Do you hate me because I have a home, a fianc^�
fiancee
and a sense of direction? My rugged masculine
good looks that drive women----"
RYOGA: --to the airport? To work? What?
"None of those things," Ryouga stopped laying
things."
"Don't you recognize me----," Ryouga thrust his face
Remove the comma. You can't use a comma like that unless the verb is
"said" or something of that sort.
"YES!" Ryouga ripped off his dark wig, a cascade of
Titian hair falling over his creamy-white shoulders.
"It is I----Ranko-ko, your long-lost illegitimate
half sister. Saotome Nodoka seduced and abandoned my
father Gourry. Due to a tragic pasta accident,"
father, Gourry.
FATHER GOURRY: How long since your last confession, my son?
Ranko-ko's face darkened in remembered pain, "I was
Again, you can't use the commas there, since the line of dialog isn't
the object of the verb.
accident..." Ranko-ko's face darkened in remembered pain. "I was
or
accident," Ranko-ko said as her face darkened in remembered pain, "I was
left to grow up alone in the wilds of East-
Jersey----"
RANKOKO: -- where I perfected the Shishi Hoboken....
This awful news forced a cry of sympathy from
Ranma, who's belly was filled with a strange heat,
whose
listening to this tragic story.
"----until I was taken in by a tribe of Shriners and
taught how to forage in the salad-isle of Denny's."
salad isle
(Does Denny's have a salad isle? I know Shoney's does....)
Ranko-ko smoothed the tight crimson-leather chignon,
that fit her like a second skin, with her slender
right hand. "I swore I would avenge myself against you
and your family."
RANMA: Including my long-lost sister?
RANKOKO: Yes! Your long-lost sister will be the first to die!
"NOT just killing you," Ranko-ko tossed her long red
you."
"That's why it WILL work," Ranko-ko's low laugh
work."
slid along the ground like a beautiful but deadly
snake. "Like all Japanese girls, Akane is a homicidal
lesbian who can only orgasm as she cracks a male skull
with a rice-mallet while simultaneously fantasizing
about making love to her sisters and at least two
other girls who hate her. In my guise as an
aquatically trans-gendered boy trapped in a girls body
girl's
she will
feel free to express her desires."
Fix the line wrapping.
"Not so. Even now she is in the thrall of a mystic
enchantment that makes her believe she is married to
an
American High School teacher and living in Scranton
Ohio----
Line wrapping off again, and you need an ending quote, since Rankoko
does not keep talking into the next paragraph.
I believe you either mean Canton Ohio, or Akron Ohio, or Scranton
Pennsylvania. Don't think there is one in Ohio, though of course Rankoko
might not know that.
"Uhhhh . . ." Ranma peered at the wide expanse of
brick that sealed the cave forever. " Shouldn't you
have been on the _outside_?"
Heh.
"Hi darlin'. My name's Ataru."
"Hi, darlin'.
Nice parody. A bit diluted from going after so many different targets at
once, but a very fun read nevertheless.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html