Hello again, Paul... and thanks again.
Granted, you're making it that much harder to do KareKano fanfic for others
by setting the bar so high, but it's worth it.
Anyway, on to what little C&C I can give:
If you haven't read "STILLE NACHT," or do not wish to, the "PLAYBACK"
should get you somewhat up to speed.
But y'all really *should* read 'Stille Nacht', regardless.
Two things I'd like feedback on: my accuracy in portraying Shogatsu/New
Year customs;
Hoo boy. Can't help ya there; haven't been back since Hirohito died...
and Arima's imagery, which is a bit purple even when his
state of mind is allowed for. If either are worse than you can bear, let
me know.
Well, we'll see...
PLAYBACK
A wrap up of what has gone before!
With your hosts, Yukino Miyazawa's little sisters, Tsukino and Kano!
This section is probably the weakest part of the whole piece, but that's no
fault of the writing itself. If read by the sisters' seiyuus, in fact, this
would fit perfectly, complete with interplay between the two that's lacking
in the subtitled version I have (well, they may be kidding each other during
all that, but it's not obvious from the subtitles, and even if it were, who'd
be able to read it fast enough?) It sounds like them, but it doesn't, it
CAN'T, sound as frenzied as they do in print as in person.
That doesn't mean it shouldn't be done, of course...
and as Kano, the youngest but most beautiful sister,
listened to their lovemaking as she feigned sleep, she yearned then and
for the rest of the night for the touch of her secret love Hideaki
Asaba...!
Tsukino: EW!
Kano: What? We're both women of the world, Tsukino.
Tsukino: That's not what you told Sis!
Kano: Well, no, duh, I value my life.
Really, it *does* sound like them.
while drinking a little sweet sake and eating _toshikoshi_ New
Year soba noodles.
Comma between the Japanese word and the English explanation, I think...
listening to the 108 tolls of the temple bell at midnight, which takes
about an hour itself.
Wish I'd'a known that last year. Makes that whole bit with me'n 'Natsu-chan
seem a little superhuman...
In many years, especially when I was younger, my prayers amounted to
wishing curses among my relations in the New Year, often highly creative
ones at that.
Now *those* I'd'a liked to've heard... Arima's erudition would have made for
some interestingly Dantean curses, I'd bet.
It was just as well. This is beside the point, but what transpired at
Hideaki's was not pleasant either. Just why I have no right to tell, and
as I said, is beside the point.
Next challenge, I suspect is something from Asapin's point of view... s'pose
Hana makes a play for him?
You know, I'm still not sure about Asaba. Certainly, you're entitled to this
interpretation, and there's a fair amount of circumstantial evidence to back
it up. That, and the dramatic possibilities of his situation give you more
space for further fanfics (Yay!). Still, he always struck me as too
concerned about having girls around him to be gay. That, and the fact that,
while he likes to camp it up a lot, he's got lousy taste in clothes, as
opposed to the stereotype...
...of course, maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. He *is* a hunk,
after all...
She replied testily, "I know it won't really keep out
the evil spirits, Soichiro, but it must be done anyway!"
Nice touch. It's obvious it's not spirits she's referring to, but flesh and
blood.
"Old man's a pushover, is why. Shit! Fuck that, Hideki, what I could do
with a place like this!
I was reading 'Stille Nacht' to Konatsu, and my kunoichi expressed some
displeasure at such choices of words. As I understand it, though, KareKano's
peppered with slang dialogue, and such salty language is in keeping with the
flavor of the original Japanese.
Of course, this stuff is even ruder, perhaps to emphasize the rudeness of the
cousins themselves as much as to reflect their original speech patterns.
"Okay, now _that_ chick is not a member of the harem. She's got 'dyke'
written all over her face." Tsubaki Sakura, her arms around Aya Sawada
and Rika Sena, and looking terribly proud of the fact.
I like this approach, where Soichiro isn't looking at either the picture or
his cousins, but can figure out which person they're talking about in turn.
"Oh yah right. That ain't how it works, pal. She'd just kick your ass
into low earth orbit. _2001_, shit. 'My god, it's full of stars...'"
Wouldn't it be nice if she would...
"Guy can dream, can't he?
So can us readers. It must be tough, writing such absolutely loathesome
creatures as these boys.
His expression began to crack. "So,
like, can I have your chick instead?"
Hideki collapsed into fits of laughter. "Dude, you should do late-night
comedy, man!"
I do not clearly remember the details of what happened next.
You've got Arima distancing himself (and us) from the actual incident here.
Frankly, he's like a male Ayanami from the way he relates the incident. I
don't think that's OOC (and certainly, he'd *want* to disassociate himself
from what happened next), but it lacks punch, if you'll excuse the
expression. It takes the argument afterward to really drag the reader in.
I'd almost suggest a fade to red for a moment before he finds himself dragged
off of Yukio.
BTW, I don't recall the cousins being named: did you choose Yukio after the
infamous Mishima? Appropriate, given how he plays gay...
four people pulled me off Yukio: father, Eiko's husband
(and distant cousin, though that is beside the point) Yotaro, Keitaro
and Hideki.
That's *five* people, sugar... or is Yotaro the name of Eiko's husband?
"What are you going to do about my brother's fucking jaw, asshole?"
Father shoved him aside. "There'll be no talk like that in my house!"
Heh... as if that kind of talk hasn't been going on before...
Father slapped her, hard, and looked her in the eye. "Now you listen to
me, sister! I happen to have met Soichiro's friend, and she happens to
have more character in her little finger than your miserable sons have
in their whole bodies.
All riiiight!! I didn't think the old guy had it in him to resist that witch.
"Damn you, this isn't about Reiji!"
"It has everything to do with Reiji! You expect _me_ to apologize?
This has nothing to do with your characterization, which seems fine within
canon (such as any of us knows), but it occurs to me that Eiko's missing some
logic. She and Soichiro's adoptive father share Reiji's chromosomes closer
than Soichiro does himself (since it's diluted by the man's mate). If blood
were an issue as to who would turn out badly, wouldn't it be her and her
brother more likely than Soichiro?
Of course, logic doesn't work with someone like her... she kind of reminds me
of the pointy-haired boss from Dilbert, only much more aggressive.
He looked at me, concern on his face. I probably know Hideaki better
than anyone. It is not often he bears that emotion on his face. "Try
me."
Honesty is the best policy.
Strange, coming from *anyone* in KareKano... where the whole tatamei/honne
dichotomy is the crux of the plot, it would seem.
I suppose I must have been crying, because I remember a man--my
father--shouting an obscenity at me and slapping me in the face.
May I suggest, since the memory seems so uncertain, that he express doubt as
to whether the man who slapped him really *was* his father - but indicating
that he assumes so?
Perhaps father
thinks Reiji thought his luck had finally run out, and this was the best
he could do for me. This is possible, but a simpler explanation was that
I had become more trouble for him than I was worth.
Interesting that Soichiro does not look upon his past with the rose-tinted
lenses his adoptive father does...
He must have noticed my defenses low that night, for I heard his voice
at my shoulder. It is an easy voice to describe, for the voice was mine.
Well, that was a remarkably stupid thing to do.
Pity you can't italicize. It took me a while to realize this was Evil Arima
speaking here. Perhaps you should bracket his lines, or some such.
"Miyazawa's not like that. She doesn't want anything from me."
Rot. Nobody does anything except to get something out of other people.
Interesting, too, that even Arima's evil self does not resort to obscenity,
even as he's contemptuously dismissing Arima's assertions.
It's always been that way. People haven't changed. People don't change.
People can't change, actually. Nothing changes New Year's Day, so to
speak, or any other day of the year.
Did you mean to make a veiled reference to that U2 song here? Funny how
Arima dismisses it as someone's lack of imagination, and yet it still sticks
with him such that his alter ego uses it as an object lesson.
Of course, if this is accidental, it's a damn lucky choice of phrase...
Love? You mind telling me what that is?
Well, I'm waiting.
I thought not.
Personal preference, of course, but I'd toss in a couple of spoken ellipses
here between each of Evil Arima's lines. "..."
As far as purple prose goes, I dunno. Evil Arima's verbose, but I think
that's part of his attack style: keep your opponent from getting a word in
edgewise, and smack down any attempts. Then, just pile on until he's buried
alive under the enormity. Sure, it's overdone, but that's how he defeats
Arima...
...or I should say *almost* defeats him.
A woman can get married to a man destined for power, and that is
all she needs to get power first in practice, and soon enough in name.
I call no Clinton jokes, right now.
If you think so
highly of her give her credit for brains, can't you?
Should there be a comma after "her"?
This is trite, but life is suffering, and the cause of suffering
desire.
Is that Buddhism or the 'Princess Bride' talking?
There's really only one sure way out of it. Think. When people
talked about the Pure Land, what do you think they really had in mind?
"Go to hell."
Wrong direction, maybe, but otherwise close. Or as far off as possible. ^_^
There is an evil spirit who lives in the chemical factory downtown.
Perhaps to counterbalance him, a benevolent spirit was placed here as
well. Her shrine is a humble home in a lower-middle-class district of
Kawasaki, and it was she who opened the door.
Once again, you mention being concerned with the prose being overwrought.
Yes, it is, but I think it's in character. These are high school students;
that's kinda normal for them.
"Good evening, Mr. Arima. I'm pleased you were able to come. It'll do
you good to mingle with the proletariat." Kano Miyazawa's kimono was
yellow with a _nadeshiko_ sweet-william flower print.
Nice touch. Just like her to quote some manga... and I get the reference,
too. Very cute.
Miyazawa just groaned. "Why me God?"
Another missing comma, after 'me'. Granted, it's nitpicking, but it's
virtually all I can do as far as technical corrections.
"Look, pal, I'm not singing
this all by myself. Your tenure as judge is up, deal."
Not sure if 'deal' was the word you wanted. If it was, I think a question
mark would sound better. Personally, it sounds like you meant to put 'dear'
there.
(Kano put in, "She was like, 'I'll be back, _onesan_,...
Shouldn't that be two e's, or is that one of those dead-horse romanization
arguments? I know I got into trouble for using only one 'i' in 'oniisan'
once...
Beyond this, I can hardly complain. It's odd that the angel with Miyazawa's
face speaks more formally than even Arima does, like a lady of medeival
court. But after all, it *is* Arima's dream.
I like, also, the father's narration of events after Soichiro's departure:
you can tell where the boy gets his speech patterns. It also explains a
*lot* about Eiko & Sons' hatred for Soichiro, and quite plausible, too.
So, it
seems she had resolved to say and do whatever it took to push Soichiro
aside, and she used Reiji's memory to turn the rest of the family
against the boy, and me.
If ya can't fire 'em, make 'em so miserable they quit. She really *is* like
the pointy-haired boss. Imagine what'll happen to the hospital once she and
her brood assume control. ^_^;;
'What is the meaning of this? You'd destroy the life of my only
son and for all you know kill my wife with shock, all for the sake of a
miserable family business?' He had risen to his full height when
accusing Eiko, but he had stayed by my side the whole time. I don't know
whether I loved him more or feared him more at that moment.
I'll take the former. Marvellous scene.
When Yotaro made to leave, he said something else about a hospital bill.
I told him to do what he liked."
Hey, it's their hospital now, right? Can't they do the books so they don't
have to pay? ^_^
Mother thought about that. "A housecleaning at New Year's can only be so
thorough."
Referring back to Auntie Eiko's comment from years back?
"That's one way of putting it." Mrs. Miyazawa laughed apologetically.
"I'm so sorry. I really shouldn't vent like this, not on New Year's
Day..."
"That's all right," said father. "We've burdened you with far more
today."
Mother smiled. "It might mean we are already family."
Mrs. Miyazawa looked thoughtful. "Yes. I suppose it might."
I can't get over it; this is great stuff. Arima's much tougher to write for
(I know from experience), but you've done a remarkable job in approximating
him (*and* his evil twin). Congratulations.
Wish I could critique it further, but my only real complaint is just that
there isn't more of it. Maybe you wanna make this a whole holiday series, in
which case we'll hear from you over Valentine's/White Day?
Itsu mo,
Ucchan ^_^