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Hi, Deborah.
Good to see that you're still writing.
The only significant problem I can see with EH is how glibly
everyone talks about Ranko coming from a parallel reality.
Of the entire cast, Nabiki or Cologne are the only ones I
can see dealing with the concept in this way. For the rest,
it simply rings untrue. In fact, whatever conclusions Nabiki
might draw for herself, it seems she would likely keep them
to herself until she had *ironclad* proof, more than just
healed pierced ears. Besides, for everyone to go through
this logical process is unnecessary -- just call Ranma at
his cousin's place. Having Ranma remain and not switch
places really obviates the need for the guessing game.
At any rate, it seems to me that it might be better to just
let them acknowledge that this Ranko is not their Ranma and
leave it largely at that. To have new people walk on stage,
and then have Akane or Kasumi or someone say:
"Oh, this is Ranko. She's from a
parallel world..."
New character blinks. "Oh. Nice
to meet you, Ranko."
:) Well, it may not be quite *that* blatant, but the net
effect is essentially the same: it feels "false" somehow,
and I stumbled over nearly every instance of it.
"This is Ranko, and we're not sure what's going on or where
she came from, but this isn't Ranma. See? Ranma's over there
stuffing his face..." That rings truer and more honestly. My
opinion, of course. ^_^
Otherwise, the story parses very well and is entertaining.
The interplay between born-as-a-girl Ranma and born-as-a-boy
Ranma is a fun situation, forcing canon Ranma to examine his
personality a little bit. Look forward to Ranko's "words"
with her mother. :)
Nice job.
Yours,
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://home.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html