I can dig this one.
I know that 'Internet Meets Ranma' has been done before, but the format
of this story really works for me. Combination IRC logs and prose,
delineated by section, makes for an interesting read -- especially with
the side show game of figuring out who is who online. Kodachi/Mousse is
also a pairing I haven't seen before.
Once the real world interferes at the end, with Kodachi's past catching
up to her when she steps into Ucchan's, things get VERY interesting.
Seeing Mousse shift his views on Kodachi in an instant while being
stunned with wonder at how fast he did it was great. Seeing Ukyou's
reaction was also quite good. And I didn't care about the booths, since
canon is not a sacred cow. ^_^
The length is perfect; not too much, not too little, all the right spots
getting the right amount of emphasis. It doesn't drag, since the IRC
logs move by at a fast pace and the prose segments are JUST long enough
to cover all relevant points. At the same time, it's not too short
either. I've got pacing problems in my own work, so I definitely
appreciate this sweet middleground.
I don't usually read a lot of fics off the FFML, but when something is
bizarre, it catches my eye. This is bizarre AND good. Keep it up.
A few critical points:
I'd drop the 'key' of symbols at the top. 'This means this and this
means this' isn't really required; you should have what's going on be
implied directly in the prose. IE:
Mousse switched to Chinese, and dropped to a low whisper
as he leaned closer to Shampoo. "You sure about this?" he
asked her, watching their guest carefully. "He's getting
suspicious about the fruit pudding."
Or similar. Basically, work it into what gets read, not how it gets
read. Obviously the IRC logs are a special case, and have their own
formatting codes which should stay put.
The prose bits have some paragraph issues, such as the last one.
Splitting up things into 'tokens' of action, like dialogue lines or
major body language gestures, people moving through space, etc. would
help this a lot. The IRC bits are right on the money so all you'd have
to polish is the prose.
I noticed an emphasis placed on Mousse's magical knowledge. I don't know
where you're going with this, but if the 'uberplot' is going to be about
magic there may be a problem. Since the whole story is centered around
identity, communication and human relations, you may want to downplay
the paranormal aspects as a side issue to the character drama. 'course,
this all depends on implementation and future plans, so disregard at
will. :)
Looking forward to chapter two.
-2f