In a message dated 12/25/00 6:08:07 PM EST, lwf58@earthlink.net writes:
Nice. This is a cute story, and I did get a kick out of the ending.
^_^
Good to know I've done my job.
Time for me to blow huge, gaping holes in it...
^_^;;;
Then again...
What I'm going to do here is enlighten you on Japanese culture and some
things I just learned about Christmas there for myself; it's not to say
that
you should change anything about the story to conform with the facts, since
the average non-Japanese wouldn't know the difference. However, perhaps
you
might get some ideas from what I say.
Okay. Enlighten away!
> The girl in question, wearing white socks, black leggings, and a red
sweater
> while currently sitting in the living room, set down the cookbook she was
> about to read and turned to face the inquiring party. "What is it,
Ranma?"
"Inquiring minds want to know..."
Really, this paragraph sounds stilted to me. It's like you were
searching for words that were different, without judging whether or not
they
set the appropriate mood. You could have just said "turned to face him"
and
gotten it over with. The sentence is more than wordy enough as it is!
Well, you know how I get...
It could definitely use less words, though.
> "Um, I was kinda wondering... since Mom's gonna to be here and all for
> Christmas this year... I was thinking... um..."
Actually, she probably wouldn't show up for Christmas. She'd visit for
New Year's, instead. More about that later.
>
> "That's a lot of help," Akane flatly said.
"Akane said flatly" sounds better to me, IMHO.
It did, too. No idea why I changed it.
> Akane smiled softly. "How sweet."
>
> "Hey, don't go broadcasting it around. It's just that... you know, she's
my
> mom, and I... you know..."
Yeah, Akane. Don't broadcast it... Ranma's gonna do that for himself!
(I'm surprised he missed telling Happosai all about his woes; he covers
just
about everyone else!)
Ranma: [to Happousai] Um, I really don't think this'll do much good, but...
any ideas for a gift for mom?
Happousai: Why, my boy, Ranma. What does any lovely ladies what for a gift?
Ranma: You dead?
Happousai: [whaps Ranma] No! Panties! And Bras! By the hundreds! They
love undergarments almost as much as me! Now I have the perfect pair right
here. [whips out undergarments] If you're so kind as to try them on-to see
how well they would look on your mother-
Ranma: [punts Happousai over the horizon] Dirty old man...
Happousai: [as he sails away] What happened to your Christmas spiiriiiit.....
[fades away]
> She nodded. "I understand. Why not try a box of chocolates?"
>
> "Hey, I wanna get her a gift, not make her fat."
>
> "Wh-what do you mean by that?" A vein started to pop up from her
forehead.
There wouldn't be any reason for her to have her feathers ruffled at
this point; she'd wait until he makes the comment about her having fat
hips,
and THEN let him have it. As of this point, he hasn't insulted her yet.
Think I was aiming more for a not-so-trigger-happy Akane. Apparantly, this
sentence kind of screws up that portrayal.
> The sofa Akane was sitting on now occupied the space where Ranma was
still
> located at. "Jerk," she said in a huff as she left the living room,
heading
> towards the stairway.
Drop the word 'at' after 'located'. It's poor grammar.
>
> * * * * *
> He walked to the kitchen, rubbing the bump on his head. "Geez... maybe I
> shouldn't have said that..." he murmured. Opening the door, he almost
bumped
> into Kasumi, who was cleaning her hands on her white apron.
You use 'bump' twice here.
>
> "Oh, Ranma-kun! I didn't see you there."
>
> "It's all right." Then he had a thought. "Um, Kasumi, can I ask you a
> question?"
Ranma: "How about we go have mad, passionate sex right now, so we can
make this a tie-in to Kasumi 1/2?"
Kasumi: Right now? But we just has mad passionate sex just before you went
to talk to Akane. We're trying to remain inconspicuous, remember?
Ranma: Oh yeah.
> "I don't mind. What is it?"
>
> "Um, I... I wanna get something for mom, but..." He let the sentence
trail
> off.
"...I don't know what size negligee she wears."
Kasumi: Well, she's about a size smaller than me. You _do_ remember my size,
right?
Ranma: Well, since this is now a tie-in to Kasumi 1/2... Oh yeah!
> "Oh, I see! You wish to buy a present for your mother! How sweet!"
>
> "Shh! I don't want it to get around!" Then he grew slightly meek. "So,
um,
> you got any ideas?"
"...to more than a dozen people or so..."
Ranma: I mean, if I have to talk to Hiroshi and Daisuke, I'll be horribly
embarrassed. I'd rather talk to Happousai.
Happousai: [bounces in] Someone call me?
Ranma: Geez, didn't I punt you over the horizon? What'cha doing back so soon?
> "I suppose you could go to the local greenhouse and purchase some
flowers."
Gee, Kasumi, how original... x_x;;;
Kasumi: Well, either flowers or the bondage shop.
Ranma: [blushes red] Um, I don't think the bondage shop is a good idea.
Kasumi: Then flowers it is.
> "Flowers?" He furrowed a brow. "What kind?"
>
> "Let me think..." Kasumi listed off a few different kinds of flowers she
> thought Ranma's mother would enjoy.
How about just saying "roses would be nice" or something? Leaving it
vague like this is disturbing, for some reason. I guess it just feels like
a copout to me.
Somewhat. I wasn't sure what kind of flowers would be available in Japan, so
I made it vague.
> Ranma grinned a bit when she finished. "Thanks, Kasumi!"
>
> "You're welcomed," she responded as he left the kitchen in haste.
"You're welcome,"
I didn't know they had a kitchen in Haste. ^_~
I'd say 'left the kitchen hastily'.
>
> * * * * *
> "You need to borrow how much?" Nabiki, dressed in mint overalls and a
long
> sleeved, motly-striped shirt, quirked an eyebrow in question as she sat
on
> the bed in her room.
Is that "US Mint overalls"?
Knowing Nabiki, that could be a possibility.
I recommend saying "mint-green".
>
> "Well, Tsumoto-san, the owner of the greenery in Nerima, went on vacation
> after closing up yesterday. He won't be back for two weeks."
I don't think I've ever heard anyone use 'greenery' like that. Around
here, we call 'em greenhouses, nurseries, or florists, depending on the
business.
>
> "No way! It's-it's a surprise, all right?"
>
> "For moi?"
>
> "Are you nuts?"
>
> She tsked at him. "Oh, Ranma-kun, Ranma-kun... you do realize why you're
> here, right?"
I just don't get what you mean by this line of dialog. It doesn't seem
to fit the context.
Basically, she is making a subtle reminder that he is trying to borrow money,
so it wouldn't be wise to displease her. Saying she's crazy isn't exactly
flattering.
> "Ah, yes. She is coming over for Christmas this year isn't she?" She
put
a
> finger to her lower lip in thought for a few moments before focussing her
> eyes on Ranma. "Jewelry."
This is as good a place as any to mention this. The Japanese don't
have
much in the way of family activities for Christmas. Only about 2% of the
population of Japan is Christian, so they don't have any religious
associations with the holiday; it isn't even a day off there. Instead,
Christmas was promoted by retail store associations purely as an excuse for
people to buy gifts, and with that in mind, focussed on the idea that it
was
an occasion for lovers to give gifts to each other. That's why the
Japanese
think of Christmas as a day for _romantic_ get-togethers, not as a family
event. Couples go on dates on that day, not to family events. It's
usually
a date for a meal in an expensive restaurant.
New Year's Day is the holiday when families gather to celebrate and
renew bonds. In other words, they treat the two holidays almost the
opposite of the way we do! Sort of like the way Japanese Valentine's Day
is
a day for girls to give chocolate to boys.
However, that's just for your edification. Don't let the facts
interfere with telling your story.
I figured there was something strange about how the holidays are treated. I
chose not to think too much about it, though. You're right; most non-Japan
citizens (like us) wouldn't know the difference.
> "Take it or leave it," she said, wearing the kind of smile that brooked
no
> leverage towards leniency.
I suggest just saying: "brooked no leniency".
>
> The Chinese youth adjusted his glasses, then bellowed, "Saotome, what is
the
> meaning of this?!"
Ranma: "it's a Middle English pronoun and adjective, akin to the Old
High German word 'dese', meaning the person, thing, or idea that is present
or near in place, time, or thought or that has just been mentioned."
>
> "Not only that, they're all sold out of the kitty charms with the
different
> jewels in their bellies. I was going to buy it for Shampoo a month ago,
but
> I was short on money."
I suggest 'I was going to buy one for Shampoo'
>
> "What's the matter, Sugar? You look like you could use a friend. Come
on,
> pull up a seat."
>
> He pivoted a seat at the counter and sat down.
There aren't any other kind of seats in Ucchan's except counter seats,
and they don't pivot. All of the illustrations of Ucchan's, both in the
comics and the anime, show the seats as being stools that look like wooden
boxes with square cushions on top. There aren't any tables or booths.
Faulty memory. Thought the seats did spin around on bearings, or something
of the like.
> "Not a thing, and it's really driving me nuts." Something then occured
to
> him. "Hey, Ucchan, why'd you close up so early?"
Spelling- 'occurred'
>
> "Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm going up to Kansai tonight and spend a few
days
> there. I figured I'd drop in on dad and spend Christmas with him. It's
been
> a while, and we have a lot of catching up to do."
'going down to Kansai tonight to spend a few days'
Kansai is a region, BTW, not a city. Some of the big cities in the
region are Osaka and Kobe. Also, it's roughly southwest of Tokyo, so 'up'
is the wrong way. It's on the other side of Kyoto from Tokyo.
Not that she'd go home for Christmas-- New Year's, on the other hand...
>
> Christmas finally arrived. Peace on Earth, goodwill to men. Families
all
> over the world celebrated the day through and through, exchanging gifts,
> eating breakfast and dinner together, church fellowship and worship, and
so
> on and so forth.
Except in Japan. No religious overtones to it at all, there, except to
that much maligned 2% Christian population. IIRC, the rest of the
population kind of regards them like others might think of aunty Mable and
her obsession with washing her hands after touching anything. (Don't quote
me on that one, though. I don't recall where I heard it.)
>
> "I wonder what did he purchase for me," she mused aloud.
"what he purchased for me"
>
> "It's not just a backpack. There's also a canteen-" Nodoka set down a
round,
> metal canteen. "-a flashlight-" She placed beside the canteen a heavy,
> yellow flashlight with a rubber grip complete with a pack of "D" Cell
> batteries. "-some matches, a map, a compass, and a sleeping bag-" Those
> items joined the previous ones. "-and... a note... from me."
Who's saying this? Nodoka or Ranma? I can't tell by the wording.
It was Ranma, but now, I think it would be better said by Nodoka.
> "Coming, mom." He shouldered his pack and tucked the pitch tent beneath
his
> arm. "Geez, who'd thought she'd wanted to try out her gear the next day?
> Couldn't she have waited until spring?"
There's no such thing as a 'pitch tent'. 'Pitching a tent' is the term
for setting one up. Did you mean 'pup tent'?
Yep, though after writing for over eight hours straight, your brain, your
brain tends to interpret things oddly.
Making corrections and such. Will repost later.
Thanks.
Adrian D. Moten