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Nice. This is a cute story, and I did get a kick out of the ending.
Time for me to blow huge, gaping holes in it...
What I'm going to do here is enlighten you on Japanese culture and some
things I just learned about Christmas there for myself; it's not to say that
you should change anything about the story to conform with the facts, since
the average non-Japanese wouldn't know the difference. However, perhaps you
might get some ideas from what I say.
The girl in question, wearing white socks, black leggings, and a red
sweater
while currently sitting in the living room, set down the cookbook she was
about to read and turned to face the inquiring party. "What is it,
Ranma?"
"Inquiring minds want to know..."
Really, this paragraph sounds stilted to me. It's like you were
searching for words that were different, without judging whether or not they
set the appropriate mood. You could have just said "turned to face him" and
gotten it over with. The sentence is more than wordy enough as it is!
"Um, I was kinda wondering... since Mom's gonna to be here and all for
Christmas this year... I was thinking... um..."
Actually, she probably wouldn't show up for Christmas. She'd visit for
New Year's, instead. More about that later.
"That's a lot of help," Akane flatly said.
"Akane said flatly" sounds better to me, IMHO.
Akane smiled softly. "How sweet."
"Hey, don't go broadcasting it around. It's just that... you know, she's
my
mom, and I... you know..."
Yeah, Akane. Don't broadcast it... Ranma's gonna do that for himself!
(I'm surprised he missed telling Happosai all about his woes; he covers just
about everyone else!)
She nodded. "I understand. Why not try a box of chocolates?"
"Hey, I wanna get her a gift, not make her fat."
"Wh-what do you mean by that?" A vein started to pop up from her
forehead.
There wouldn't be any reason for her to have her feathers ruffled at
this point; she'd wait until he makes the comment about her having fat hips,
and THEN let him have it. As of this point, he hasn't insulted her yet.
The sofa Akane was sitting on now occupied the space where Ranma was still
located at. "Jerk," she said in a huff as she left the living room,
heading
towards the stairway.
Drop the word 'at' after 'located'. It's poor grammar.
* * * * *
He walked to the kitchen, rubbing the bump on his head. "Geez... maybe I
shouldn't have said that..." he murmured. Opening the door, he almost
bumped
into Kasumi, who was cleaning her hands on her white apron.
You use 'bump' twice here.
"Oh, Ranma-kun! I didn't see you there."
"It's all right." Then he had a thought. "Um, Kasumi, can I ask you a
question?"
Ranma: "How about we go have mad, passionate sex right now, so we can
make this a tie-in to Kasumi 1/2?"
"I don't mind. What is it?"
"Um, I... I wanna get something for mom, but..." He let the sentence
trail
off.
"...I don't know what size negligee she wears."
"Oh, I see! You wish to buy a present for your mother! How sweet!"
"Shh! I don't want it to get around!" Then he grew slightly meek. "So,
um,
you got any ideas?"
"...to more than a dozen people or so..."
"I suppose you could go to the local greenhouse and purchase some
flowers."
Gee, Kasumi, how original... x_x;;;
"Flowers?" He furrowed a brow. "What kind?"
"Let me think..." Kasumi listed off a few different kinds of flowers she
thought Ranma's mother would enjoy.
How about just saying "roses would be nice" or something? Leaving it
vague like this is disturbing, for some reason. I guess it just feels like
a copout to me.
Ranma grinned a bit when she finished. "Thanks, Kasumi!"
"You're welcomed," she responded as he left the kitchen in haste.
"You're welcome,"
I didn't know they had a kitchen in Haste. ^_~
I'd say 'left the kitchen hastily'.
* * * * *
"You need to borrow how much?" Nabiki, dressed in mint overalls and a
long
sleeved, motly-striped shirt, quirked an eyebrow in question as she sat on
the bed in her room.
Is that "US Mint overalls"?
I recommend saying "mint-green".
"Well, Tsumoto-san, the owner of the greenery in Nerima, went on vacation
after closing up yesterday. He won't be back for two weeks."
I don't think I've ever heard anyone use 'greenery' like that. Around
here, we call 'em greenhouses, nurseries, or florists, depending on the
business.
"No way! It's-it's a surprise, all right?"
"For moi?"
"Are you nuts?"
She tsked at him. "Oh, Ranma-kun, Ranma-kun... you do realize why you're
here, right?"
I just don't get what you mean by this line of dialog. It doesn't seem
to fit the context.
"Ah, yes. She is coming over for Christmas this year isn't she?" She put
a
finger to her lower lip in thought for a few moments before focussing her
eyes on Ranma. "Jewelry."
This is as good a place as any to mention this. The Japanese don't have
much in the way of family activities for Christmas. Only about 2% of the
population of Japan is Christian, so they don't have any religious
associations with the holiday; it isn't even a day off there. Instead,
Christmas was promoted by retail store associations purely as an excuse for
people to buy gifts, and with that in mind, focussed on the idea that it was
an occasion for lovers to give gifts to each other. That's why the Japanese
think of Christmas as a day for _romantic_ get-togethers, not as a family
event. Couples go on dates on that day, not to family events. It's usually
a date for a meal in an expensive restaurant.
New Year's Day is the holiday when families gather to celebrate and
renew bonds. In other words, they treat the two holidays almost the
opposite of the way we do! Sort of like the way Japanese Valentine's Day is
a day for girls to give chocolate to boys.
However, that's just for your edification. Don't let the facts
interfere with telling your story.
"Take it or leave it," she said, wearing the kind of smile that brooked no
leverage towards leniency.
I suggest just saying: "brooked no leniency".
The Chinese youth adjusted his glasses, then bellowed, "Saotome, what is
the
meaning of this?!"
Ranma: "it's a Middle English pronoun and adjective, akin to the Old
High German word 'dese', meaning the person, thing, or idea that is present
or near in place, time, or thought or that has just been mentioned."
"Not only that, they're all sold out of the kitty charms with the
different
jewels in their bellies. I was going to buy it for Shampoo a month ago,
but
I was short on money."
I suggest 'I was going to buy one for Shampoo'
"What's the matter, Sugar? You look like you could use a friend. Come
on,
pull up a seat."
He pivoted a seat at the counter and sat down.
There aren't any other kind of seats in Ucchan's except counter seats,
and they don't pivot. All of the illustrations of Ucchan's, both in the
comics and the anime, show the seats as being stools that look like wooden
boxes with square cushions on top. There aren't any tables or booths.
"Not a thing, and it's really driving me nuts." Something then occured to
him. "Hey, Ucchan, why'd you close up so early?"
Spelling- 'occurred'
"Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm going up to Kansai tonight and spend a few
days
there. I figured I'd drop in on dad and spend Christmas with him. It's
been
a while, and we have a lot of catching up to do."
'going down to Kansai tonight to spend a few days'
Kansai is a region, BTW, not a city. Some of the big cities in the
region are Osaka and Kobe. Also, it's roughly southwest of Tokyo, so 'up'
is the wrong way. It's on the other side of Kyoto from Tokyo.
Not that she'd go home for Christmas-- New Year's, on the other hand...
Christmas finally arrived. Peace on Earth, goodwill to men. Families all
over the world celebrated the day through and through, exchanging gifts,
eating breakfast and dinner together, church fellowship and worship, and
so
on and so forth.
Except in Japan. No religious overtones to it at all, there, except to
that much maligned 2% Christian population. IIRC, the rest of the
population kind of regards them like others might think of aunty Mable and
her obsession with washing her hands after touching anything. (Don't quote
me on that one, though. I don't recall where I heard it.)
"I wonder what did he purchase for me," she mused aloud.
"what he purchased for me"
"It's not just a backpack. There's also a canteen-" Nodoka set down a
round,
metal canteen. "-a flashlight-" She placed beside the canteen a heavy,
yellow flashlight with a rubber grip complete with a pack of "D" Cell
batteries. "-some matches, a map, a compass, and a sleeping bag-" Those
items joined the previous ones. "-and... a note... from me."
Who's saying this? Nodoka or Ranma? I can't tell by the wording.
"Coming, mom." He shouldered his pack and tucked the pitch tent beneath
his
arm. "Geez, who'd thought she'd wanted to try out her gear the next day?
Couldn't she have waited until spring?"
There's no such thing as a 'pitch tent'. 'Pitching a tent' is the term
for setting one up. Did you mean 'pup tent'?
Ja mata,
LarryF
http://lwf58.tripod.com