Gosunkugi studied forbidden lores and dark magicks in
his dank, mysterious laboratory, while he pondered a
terrible impulse that gripped his soul.
Actually, his lab was less dank and mysterious and
more bright and cheery. Instead of horrific paintings
depicting the torments of the damned, posters
of manga charas and pop idols decorated the walls.
Rather than having bubbling retorts filled with
nameless liquids, his desks were covered with
models and garage kits.
This was because his mommy dictated most of his life:
the food he ate, the books he read, right down to the
underwear that cased was was most dear to him. It was
his mother that had led him to both magic and
photography, both of which were perfect for a 'frail
boy' like him.
It was fortunate for Gosunkugi that his mother
considered black an impressive fashion statement,
otherwise he'd have been even less menacing. Well,
less menacing before...
Gosunkugi was thinking very seriously about before.
Before that strange night when the world had,
literally, turned 180 degrees for him.
Because magic now worked for him.
Oh, before that night spells had worked for him, after
a fashion. However, he was lucky if he didn't injure
himself, much less affect anyone else. But now...
Any spell he knew worked flawlessly. Shinto rituals,
minor voodoo; he'd even gone down to a local magic
shop and picked up some new spell books. He'd
learned everything from them in one day, and it was
one of the spells from a freshly-minted tome that was
causing his moral crisis.
The spell had been called Charm. With it, Gosunkugi
had read in wonder, he could make girls like him. Make
_girls_ like _him_!
There were also warnings about "major changes in
personality" and "getting what you wish for," but
Gosunkugi saw none of those. Instead, screaming
at him in eighteen point font, in really impressive
big freakin' ascii art letters, was :
M M A K K E E E E
M M M M A A K K E
M M M M A A K K E E E
M M A A A A K K E
M M A A K K E E E E
G G G I I I I I R R R L
G G I R R L S S S S
G I R R R L S
G G G I R R L S S S S
G G I R R L S
G G G I I I I I R R L L L L S S S S
L I I I I I K K E E E E
L I K K E
L I K K E E E
L I K K E
L L L L I I I I I K K E E E E
H H I I I I I M M !! !! !! !!
H H I M M M M !! !! !! !!
H H H H I M M M M !! !! !! !!
H H I M M
H H I I I I I M M !! !! !! !!
That knowledge brings us full-circle to the terrible
impulse. Basically, he was wondering if he should just
pick a girl up in a bar or go directly to Akane. Do
not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
Decision made, he stood up and strode out of the room.
Anyone who'd have known him a week before never would
have recognized the way he walked...
Slayers NIBUNNOICHI
PART THE THIRD:
STIRRING THE PLOT
Lina Inverse stopped suddenly, causing her chain of
friends to fall all over her. After they recovered,
Lina glared and said, "Do you mind?!"
Amelia held onto Ryouga for a moment longer than
necessary, then released him suddenly and looked down
at the ground, blushing. Ryouga rolled his eyes,
conveniently forgetting that he would blush and
probably have a nosebleed to boot if it had been Akane
grabbing him.
Zelgadis crossed his arms over his chest. "Why did you
stop?"
Lina pointed. "Captain Bangle said he'd bring his ship
to Berth 94."
Even as she spoke, the vessel sailed into view. Or
most of it tried, at least, and doesn't effort count
for anything anymore? Bits were falling off at a
regular rate (one every seven seconds, to be precise)
and some enterprising soul had used the holes in the
sails to play connect-the-dots. It seemed to be either
an apple or an ominous scrolled contract that read,
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."
Amelia gasped in shock. "We're taking that? But we'll
all die!"
Lina was a bit more verbal, but because this is a
PG-13 fic, I'm afraid that I can't tell you exactly
what she said. I can hint that it had something to
do with wrought-iron cemetary fencing posts, Kool-Aid,
rubber hoses, and an extremely uncomfortable position
for all parties involved.
Ryouga was facing the wrong way, but no one noticed.
Least of all him.
Gourry just stared in wonder. _Boat big..._
Zelgadis just sighed resignedly. _Looks like Gourry
and I spend this trip bailing..._
The gangplank unrolled and hit the dock with a banng
that dropped several boards into the water. The
remaining boards hardly looked safer.
Regardless of the insurance hazard, Captain Bangle
skipped merrily down the gangplank. "Good morning,
passengers. Welcome to my glrrk!"
Lina merrily throttled the hapless captain. "What the
hell is this? Your ship looks like it's been sailing
since the Demon Beast Zanafar ravaged Sairaag!!"
Absently, Lina watched the captain's face turn red,
then purple.
"Glargg..."
Gourry tapped the irate sorceress on the shoulder.
"Lina, maybe if you loosened your grip a bit, he'd be
able to answer you."
"Oh. Right." Lina released said grip, and the captain
staggered around for a moment before regaining his
breath. He chuckled nervously.
"Ah. Er. To answer your question, she's been sailing
since a bit before the Demon Beast Zanafar's time, but
she's a good ship." A sudden cracking noise from
aboard ship belied his words. His face paled, but
otherwise he gave no outward sign of hearing the
noise.
Lina just rolled her eyes, anger banked but not dead.
"Right. We've hired the ship, I don't wanna wait
anymore, so we're taking the- what's this scow
called?" She turned to Captain Bangle.
He coughed nervously. "The _Three Hour Tour_."
"We're taking the _Three Hour Tour_." She started up
the gangplank, determinedly ignoring the protest it
sent up. The rest of the Scooby Gang... er, group
followed.
Once at the top, Lina kicked away several rodents who
seemed willing to give boot leather a try. "What's
with all the rats?"
The captain said cheerily, "Don't worry about the
rats. Once we get underway, they'll disappear."
Zelgadis said sarcastically, "Figures that only rats
would be smart enough to abandon this ship. Where do
they go?"
"Go?" Captain Bangle cocked his head, then laughed.
"They don't really go anywhere, except maybe to hell.
Felix gets them." When Felix was mentioned, all the
rats vanished from the deck.
Ryouga asked, fear in his voice, "What's Felix?"
"The ship's cat."
****
Jusenkyou rubbed his chin. "I sense a disturbance in
the Force."
The Sea of Chaos looked askance at him. "Now what are
you babbling about?"
"Perhaps I should try again." Jusenkyou started
rubbing his chin, then said, "I feel a cliche being
used."
"Is it a good cliche?" The Sea of Chaos, Creator
Incarnate, was tolerante of cliches in only select
situations such as bandits and villagers. This
attitude was reflected in the world She'd created.
Jusenkyou felt for the cliche, much like one would
feel the empty socket of a just-pulled tooth, then
frowned. "I think you'd better look at this."
The Sea of Chaos looked Herself, then gasped in shock.
"A _cliche_? A BAD cliche? Near Lina Inverse?!" She
quivered in rage. She'd never been fond of the bland,
the generic, the already-been-thought-of, and was
doubly defensive on the entire subject of Lina
Inverse, one of the finest (to use the word loosely)
anti-heroes in any dimension both far and wide.
Jusenkyou closed His eyes and prepared to ride out the
inevitable shockwave of sheer anger and pure,
unadulterated rage. Several seconds later, He heard
Her say brightly, "Well, let's get to fixing it." She
then waggled one finger. "I've got an idea."
She rolled back her sleeves and set to work, drawing
Her world back a bit in time for convenience's sake.
Not that She cared about paradox. If a mortal was dumb
enough to kill his own grandfather, it was his own
lookout.
She did have a vested interest in Lina, however, and
tried to keep up the illusion of reality around the
sorceress. As best as any God could, of course.
****
Lina Inverse stopped suddenly, causing her chain of
friends to fall all over her. After they recovered,
Lina glared and said, "Do you mind?!"
Amelia held onto Ryouga for a moment longer than
necessary, then released him suddenly and looked down
at the ground, blushing. Ryouga rolled his eyes,
conveniently forgetting that he would blush and
probably have a nosebleed to boot if it had been Akane
grabbing him.
Zelgadis crossed his arms over his chest. "Why did you
stop?"
Lina pointed. "Captain Bangle said he'd bring his ship
to Berth 94."
Even as she spoke, the ship sailed grandly into view.
It sparkled from an obviously fresh coat of wax, and
all three masts were hung with beautiful sails made
from patches that formed elaborate pictures of the
seafaring life.
Amelia sighed with longing. "Incredible..."
Lina grinned. "Looks like we'll be traveling in style
for once." She salivated visibly. "I hope they serve
food to match..."
Gourry crossed his arms across his chest. "I don't
like it," he declared. "Why would a captain that owned
a ship that nice be working in an ice cream parlor?"
Ryouga was facing the wrong way, but no one noticed.
Least of all him.
Zelgadis facefaulted, shocked to his core by Gourry
stepping on his lines.
The ship came to a grand halt, and little colored
streamers came showering from the sides. The gang
plank slid down, hitting the dock with a resounding
thud. Amelia rushed up the walkway first, followed
closely by Lina, and both of them had little stars in
their eyes. Ryouga almost walked off the dock but
Zelgadis grabbed his arm, guiding him up the
gangplank. Gourry brought up the rear, a frown on his
normally cheerful features.
The captain greeted them with a grin. "What do you
think of her?"
Lina grinned back. "Nice ship. What's she named?"
"The _Millenium Balton_." At Lina's incredulous stare,
he added, "It's not a very good name, I know, but the
person who wrote out the commissioning papers was
deaf, and do you know how much it costs to have a
ship's name changed around these parts?"
Zelgadis looked around the deck. It positively gleamed
in the late afternoon sun. Lines were coiled neatly
and had a sharp, new look to them. The brightwork was
bright and the deck was deck-shaped. Only one thing
was
missing.
"Where's the crew?" Zelgadis asked, giving Captain
Bangle his patent-pending 'I really don't want to
trust you, but I'll try to trust you by not trusting
you' look. Lina didn't know quite how he could convey
all that in a half-second glance, but somehow, the
chimera managed.
The captain looked distinctly uneasy for a moment, the
same way someone who's eaten ill-prepared fugu would
look. "They're, uh, below. I'll go bring them up so
you can meet them." He muttered, almost too low for
Lina to catch, "Might as well get it out of the way."
He walked over a nearby hatch and jumped down in it.
The quintet stood around for several minutes. Gourry
looked at his reflection in the floorwax, rubbed his
chin, and started shaving with his sword. Lina blinked
for a moment, then decided to ignore it.
The captain came back up just after Gourry finished,
followed closely by a nondescript man with
hair-colored hair and a face-shaped face. Just after
him out of the hatch was a man in a silver suit of
armor that covered his body entirely. It had odd
blinking panels with colored lights all along
the front. And after the man in armor...
"A Mazoku!" Lina reacted reflexively, charging up a
fireball to throw at the eight-foot redskinned
octopus-faced monstrosity with suckered tentacles
sprouting from its back. Her fireball fizzled when
something cracked across her skull, breaking the
necessary concentration.
Lina turned, very slowly, to the captain, who was
still holding an empty firebucket. He said, "No fires
aboardship except in the galley." She deflated.
Zelgadis assumed the position: Arms crossed across his
chest and one eyebrow arched. "This is it? Where's the
rest of the crew?"
The captain grinned. "I'm glad you asked that! The
_Milennium Balton_ is, as the name implies, the most
modern ship of the milennium! The finest luxury
liner ever made, she only needs four people to run
her! Of course, with only four people, we need to cut
a few corners. We have to cook the food quickly, so
sometimes we burn it" Lina gasped in shock "it wasn't
too appetizing in the first place" she cluthed the
left side of her chest "and I always hate dealing with
such small portions, too" and she collapsed to the
ground, frothing at the mouth.
Gourry slid up next to her and poked her with a
convenient stick. Poke. Poke. "Hey Lina, you all
right?"
Lina hopped to her feet, sending Gourry reeling
backwards. "No, but I'll live." She pointed at the
Mazoku. "Now, to get my mind off my soon-to-be abused
stomach, what's the Mazoku's story?"
The captain shrugged. "If you're so interested in him,
we'll start the introductions there. His name is
Loxim, and he's a retired Mazoku. He was kicked out
because he..." He stopped suddenly, and looked over at
the Mazoku.
The Mazoku said, "It's not something I like to talk
about."
Captain Bangle said hastily, "But he's a good
shipmate, a good shipmate! I've been sailing with him
for two years, and in that time he's been one of
the best sailors that I've ever known."
Loxim added, "I am a sea monster. What do you expect?"
Lina frowned internally. On the one hand, she'd had
more than a few bad experiences with Mazoku in the
past. On the other, one Mazoku, Xelloss, had helped
her on occasion. A little. When he wasn't annoying the
hell out of her.
Decision made, Lina nodded to Loxim. "Nice to meet
you. Don't answer a straight question with 'that is a
secret' and we'll get along just fine."
The captain moved on to the man in armor. "This is
Rowby the Rowboat." With some shock, Lina realized
that there was no way a man could move in that suit of
armor. Captain Bangle continued with, "I have no idea
why it's called a rowboat, because it's a golem of
some kind, created by an alchemist named 'Sirius
Cybernetics Corporation' to help with the running of
the ship. I'll tell you more about it when I conduct
the official tour."
Lina held out her hand to the Rowboat. "Nice to meet
you."
The Rowboat ignored it and said in a soft voice, "Last
night I was cleaning the bar and a man behind the bar
said that he'd give me a drink if I killed all of you
for him. When I told him that I'm not capable of
drinking, he said that he'd get back to me and
disappeared."
Captain Bangle turned around very slowly and said
softly to Lina, "You're supposed to turn off the
Rowboats every ten days to give them some time
to recover. He won't let us touch his on/off switch."
Rowby said suddenly, "No fleshy will ever touch my
switch!"
Lina said back, "How long has it been since he's been
off?"
"About three months." The captain let that soak in for
a moment, then moved on to the third member of his
crew. "This is Babblin' Joe. We call him that for a
good reason, but don't let the occasional strange
thing he says throw you. He's really a very nice guy."
Lina, relieved to be meeting a relatively normal guy,
said, "Nice to meet you."
Babblin' Joe said agreeably, "The floating disembodied
head of Colonel Sanders."
"What?"
"The floating diembodied head of Colonel Sanders."
Then, Babblin Joe added, "D0n't d155 my m4d m45t3r
n1nj4t31 ub3r h4ckz3r sk1llz?"
Lina stepped back slowly. _Can't run away, already
paid the captain. Can't run away, already paid the
captain..._ Gradually, the fear of what this voyage
was going to be like faded, to be replaced by her
usual
resignation to the inevitable.
"I want a refund!" To be polite, she added, "Now!"
The captain shook his head. "Sorry, already spent all
your money getting the ship ready for the voyage." He
kicked at the deck. "The Rowboat may do all the
polishing, but do you think the wax pays for itself?"
****
Cologne sat on top of her restaraunts roof, watching
the sun set. She knew that the person she was waiting
for was late, but she was content.
Idly, she wondered if her village even still existed.
Nothing said that it could be dragged along through
dimensions along with Japan. And the island of Japan
had definitely shifted dimensions. All of her readings
pointed to this, but nothing in any of her books had
said anything about shifts on this scale. Not that
that really mattered overmuch to Cologne, since there
was no way she would ever be able to return back to
her old dimension.
Most people would never even notice the shift, Cologne
knew. The particularly strong-willed could keep their
memories for several weeks. Disiplined martial
artists, such as Ranma, might well hold on to the
memories for as long as several months. And as for
herself...
She would keep her memories of Subarus, Sailor Moon
and Santana for the rest of her life, she supposed.
Though Cologne had no idea how much longer she would
choose to live. Long enough to train up her
replacement, who was shaping up quite nicely...
"Good evening, Cologne."
Cologne turned to the diminutive master martial
artist. "Hello, Happi. How are you tonight?"
Happosai sat down next to Cologne. He puffed
meditatively on his pipe for several moments before
replying, "Fine. I feel better than I have in
years, in fact. With the stronger magical field of
this
world, I don't have to steal nearly as many panties to
stay alive. I even went to the library and checked out
a book for the first time in years. Strangely enough,
the library is unchanged, probably because of the Shi
Jin Ten Chi Sho's presence. I even found out that
Heinlein is dead. Did you know that?"
"Who?"
The old man, feeling his age mentally if not
physically, sighed. "Never mind. I'm just saying that
it's nice to have a choice about leaping from
rooftop to rooftop. Of course," he pulled out a lacy
pink silk 36 C with frilly bows, "we both know what
_my_ choice is."
Cologne whapped him, but not hard enough to really
hurt him. "Of course we do. Now, what did you want to
talk about?"
Happosai stood up. "I was thinking about leaving Tokyo
for a while. You know, see the new world, that sort of
thing?"
Cologne gestured impatiently. "And this has what to do
with me?"
Happosai looked down at his feet and shuffled them
back and forth. "I was hoping, er, wondering if you
might... um... want to maybe come with me?" He
looked up at her for just a moment with big puppydog
eyes, then turned his eyes back to his feet.
Cologne was, quite honestly, touched. In their youth,
Happosai had told her quite simply that if it came
down to a choice between panties and Cologne, he'd
always pick panties. Now, it seemed, he was making a
different choice.
Of course he wasn't perfect, but then no one was. And
she was tired of being alone. Besides, Cologne knew
quite well it was possible to change someone with
love, patience, and the occasional beating. She
nodded once. "Give me a day or so to set everything in
order."
Happosai smiled. "I need to do the same thing myself."
He chuckled. "Won't Soun and Genma be surprised..."
****
The Sea of Chaos literally patted Herself on the back,
temporarily creating a shadow duplicate for the
purpose. "Not a bad way to take care of two
prospective problems. The chaos those two inspire
while leaving should be very interesting indeed."
"What are you doing?"
Only milennia of watching mortals in the same
situations do the same exact thing prevented the Sea
of Chaos from jumping at Jusenkyou's friendly-sounding
inquiry, but it was a close thing. "Um, not much,
just, ah, looking in on your mortals. Cologne and
Happosai are doing something."
"What?"
The Sea of Chaos shrugged nonchalantly. "I couldn't
care less. Ukyou's My favorite."
Jusenkyou looked for Himself, and His face darkened.
"They can't do that!" He looked about ready to
interfere, and the Sea of Chaos moved to restrain
Him. Though not an official rule of the game, there
was a gentleman's agreement between Gods that a
mortal's choices must _not_ be interfered with. It
certainly made things more interesting.
Jusenkyou slowly backed off, and the Sea of Chaos
smiled inwardly. _It looks like things are starting to
take off..._
****
Gosunkugi walked into his third real estate office of
the day. Having made the decision to move out of the
house, he'd decided to act upon it immediately and get
himself a new place. He hadn't had good luck so far,
however. In the first office:
"What do you have in the way of Evil Wizard's Keeps?"
"What are you talking about?"
BOOM.
Gosunkugi had learned a new spell called "Fireball",
and he liked using it to good effect.
In the second one:
"What do you have in the way of Evil Wizard's Keeps?"
"I have a very nice apartment open on Merchant's
Row..."
BOOM.
If Gosunkugi was going to be an evil wizard, he was
going to be an EVIL wizard.
He stepped up to the real estate agent's desk. "What
do you have in the way of Evil Wizard's Keeps?"
The agent steepled his fingers. "Would that be
mountaintop, enchanted wood, lake island, or
cliffside?"
Gosunkugi blinked.
****
Dynast was a happy Mazoku lord. Two of his fellow
Lords had died recently, expanding his own influence
accordingly; he ruled his mountians unopposed,
having desposed of his priest and two-thirds of his
army for attempting to overthrow him; and one of his
minions had brought him two defiant sacrifices
for him to feast upon.
Dynast leaned forward, folds rippling, and intoned
with just the right hint of menace (sledgehammer),
"Now, puny mortals, prepare to die."
Ling-Ling looked at her sister dubiously. "What should
we do?"
Lung-Lung looked at the Mazoku lord. "Maybe we should
do the Dance of the Great Fire Dragon?"
Four hours later, Dynast was an unhappy Mazoku lord.
He'd been forced to listen to a very stupid spell
chant not once, not twice, but three times; he'd found
out that he didn't rule his mountains unopposed; the
sacrifices had escaped to warn all of who lived in his
mountain; and he'd been forced to dance the Funky
Chicken. He _hated_ the Funky Chicken. Ordinarily,
he didn't much care if the people he used as feasts of
dark emotion escaped, but those two girls had. Made.
It. PERSONAL.
He summoned his general. When she arrived, he spoke
one word. "War."
Atash grinned. "Very well, my lord." She disappeared,
and Dynast went back to stretching his hamstrings
before he remembered that they didn't, actually,
exist. Somehow, that realization made him even
angrier.
****
Lina didn't think very much of shipboard life. Having
to spend the first three hours of it with her head
hanging over the side might have had something to do
with that.
What made it even worse was Amelia standing ten feet
away, eating a ham sandwich and laughing. "Aw, it's
not that bad, Lina. Suck it up."
Lina tried her best to throttle the perky princess.
Really, she did. The problem was, she moved one way,
the deck moved another, and somehow she ended up
horizontal. She found that position even more
nauseating, by some horrid miracle.
A light touch on her shoulder roused her from her
reverie of agony. The contact somehow made her feel
better. In fact...
She stood up, all of her nausea gone. Lina looked
around, trying to spot her benefactor. Upon seeing
Loxim, she jumped back defensively. "What did you do
to me?!"
The Mazoku shrugged, his tentacles moving weirdly in
tandem with the motion. "Drained some of your dark
emotion and took your seasickness along. Seasickness
is one of the things I have control over as an ocean
monster." Suddenly, he doubled over, clutching his
stomach as if in agony.
Reflexively, Lina took a step towards him and reached
out one hand, but she recoiled when Loxim suddenly
straightened and turned to face the ocean. He
_screamed_, and a beam of energy that Lina could feel
radiating evil lanced from his mouth and split the
ocean, boiling away into foam. A few seconds later,
Loxim closed his mouth.
Lina stood there, slack-jawed. "What was that?"
Loxim shrugged again. "When I take in too much dark
energy, I can't hold it in and I need to throw it back
out. Deep Sea Dolphin kicked me out when I vaporized
two of her favorite yes-Mazoku." He walked away.
Lina blinked. When he went back under, she said, "Wow.
A bulimic Mazoku. Who'd've thought, right Amelia?"
when no one answered her, she looked around. "Amelia?"
****
The Keys were bored, not for the first time in their
existence. They knew that it was because of boredom
that they were always caught, but somehow they
couldn't help but meddle in a situation. And the girl
who was carrying them was ripe for a bit of
meddling...
****
Kasumi woke, as was her habit, early in the morning,
long before anyone else in the house was awake. She
performed her morning ablutions, put on a simple
dress, and walked down to the kitchen, expecting to
find it empty.
Instead, she saw Nabiki standing at the stove,
cooking. Kasumi gasped in shock, and Nabiki whirled
around at the slight sound. Kasumi noted absently
that her sister had chosen the apron with cute little
baby chickens dancing on it.
Nabiki smiled weakly. "Hi, sis."
Kasumi shook her head. "What are you doing up so
early?" Though she didn't mean to sound angry or
defensive, Kasumi knew she did. The only times
she considered truly hers were the early morning and
the late night, when she was all alone. Moments of
solitude were rare enough that she cherished them,
no matter how much she loved her family.
Nabiki gestured vaguely at the stove. "I couldn't
sleep, and just kept thinking about what happened, and
what I miss, then I remembered you saying something
about cooking to relax, so I baked some cookies and
stuff." She added softly, "It's been a while since
I've cooked anything other than instant ramen."
Kasumi walked over to the counter covered with neat
rows of cookies. She picked one up and, after biting
into it, her eyebrows lifted in surprise. While not as
good as hers (Kasumi knew, without the slightest trace
of modesty, that she was a master chef) they were very
tasty. "Good."
"I know."
They both remained silent for a moment, then Nabiki
spurted out, "Sis, what was Mother like?"
Kasumi was thrown completely off-balance by this
sudden question, but she recovered quickly. "She
was..." Kasumi smiled. "She was smart. Strong. Witty.
Manipulative. Nice. Funny. She was the best parts of
all of us, and I loved her not just because she was my
mother. I miss her still." Her smile didn't crack even
as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Why do you ask?"
Nabiki gestured at the small kitchen table, and Kasumi
was surprised to see most of it covered in
official-looking papers. "I just recieved a lot of
Mother's papers by official courier from the daimyo's
office. We're rich."
"What?"
Nabiki nodded slowly, for emphasis. "We've got nearly
twelve thousand koku scattered through various banks.
We own farmland in Kyushu and Hokkaido, and this" she
reached out and plucked one paper from the mass
without
looking "is an apppointment to the Emperor's court.
For me."
Kasumi lost her smile. "You're leaving?"
Nabiki made an impatient gesture. "The appointment
doesn't take place until my twentieth birthday anyway.
But looking at all this stuff makes me look at Mother
in a whole new light. She parlayed Father's honor and
land into a power base that, if used properly, could
control a solid portion of the government even ten
years after her death. And she did it while raising
three children. It just doesn't seem possible."
Kasumi smiled again. "She made a habit of doing the
impossible. She started teaching us all English when
we were two, did you know that?"
Nabiki shrugged. "No, I didn't. It may seem strange to
you, Sis, but whenever I try to remember Mother, I can
only picture you."
Though Kasumi had already figured as much, somehow
knowing it for certain hurt a little. She smiled away
the pain and said, "That's understandable. Mother went
into the hospital when you were only six, and you only
visited her twice. I went to see her almost every
day."
Kasumi stopped for a moment and sighed. "A week before
she died, she read a poem in English to me by a man
named Yates. I can't really remember all of it, but
one phrase sticks out in my mind. I think it goes
something like, 'the edges fall apart if the center
does not hold.' I watched Akane practicing
obsessively, hurting herself in a new way every day,
Father swinging from mood to mood, crying and laughing
from one moment to the next, and you just kept
drifting away, as though distancing yourself
physically and mentally would also distance you from
the pain, and all I could think about that night as I
went to sleep was, 'the edges fall apart if the
center does not hold.' I knew then that Mother had
been our center, and that our family would need
something to replace her.
"I came downstairs, started cooking, and I decided to
become what we needed, to sacrifice what I could have
been and become our family's center. I was a
bit overdramatic back then." She took Nabiki's hands
in her own. "Most of the time, I don't bother
regretting my decision." She lifted one hand to brush
at her sister's cheek, wiping away a small tear. "Want
to help me make breakfast?"
Nabiki smiled. An open, honest smile, rather than her
usual self-confident, shielding smirk.
****
"DIGGER BOLT!"
Sasuke jumped out of the way of the lightning bolt.
"Mistress, I can understand-"
"FREEZE BLEED!"
He threw down a smoke egg and hid from her
line-of-sight behind it for long enough to add, "-your
need to practice-"
"FLARE ARROW!"
He dodged and continued doggedly. "-your newfound
abilities, but-"
"BURST RONDO!"
Sasuke danced desperately back and forth, but a few
bolts tagged him despite his efforts. "-but why must I
be the target?"
Kodachi put one hand to her mouth and laughed.
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! I have no need to explain myself
to you. DEMONA CRYSTAL!"
_I wish I had insulated underwear..._ was Sasuke's
last thought, but at least it turned out the lights
before leaving.
****
The Captain (we'll just call him the Captain, because
he's just a plot device and won't ever appear in any
other scene) was standing on the bridge of his docked
clipper, wondering if he should go out on the town,
when he heard a laugh from behind him. A terrible,
horrible, evil, quite unpleasant laugh.
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! I, Naga the White Serpent, am
hijacking your ship!" The Captain heard an apologetic
cough. "Sorry about that. Habit. I'd like to hire your
ship to take me to a small island called Japan."
The Captain turned around, and his eyes crossed. The
woman standing there was wearing very little to cover
quite a lot. He pegged her right away as a sorceress.
A stripper never would have threatened to hijack the
ship.
The Captain spread his hands. "You'd need a lot of
money to hire..."
Three large sacks of gold hit the deck. The Captain
wondered where in Teleute's name she'd been able to
hide that. "Is that enough?"
Just by looking at them the Captain knew it was enough
to keep his ship going for five months, and maybe hire
a drydocking to boot. He smiled. "We'll be ready to
sail in about two weeks..."
A fireball detonated over the ship. The Captain
swallowed. "A week?"
The sorceress raised one hand, fingers spread wide,
and curled her thumb into her palm. "Four days."
The Captain sighed in resignation. "Okay."
Naga turned away and looked to the south, sighing with
longing. "Oh, Ranma-sama, I rush to your arms. Though
I have not yet seen your face, your beauty illuminates
my stony heart." She reached into her cloak and
pulled out a white rose. "I will give this to you as a
pledge of my heart."
The Captain shook his head. "A star-crossed lover.
Just great..."
****
Gosunkugi knocked tentatively on the Tendo's door.
He'd been psyching himself up for this confrontation
all day. He'd studied some really nasty spells. He'd
acted very, very evil, right down to taking candy from
babies kind of evil. He'd even forced himself to watch
Flash Gordon three times, and if that doesn't make you
want to hate a world which allows such a movie to
exist...
Nevertheless, Gosunkugi still felt nervous. Oh, not
about losing - he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt,
that he could and would crush Ranma. It was just...
He didn't really want to _kill_ Ranma. After all, the
only thing the martial artist had ever really done to
him was be engaged to the woman that he loved.
Gosunkugi knew, though, that Ranma wouldn't give up
until he'd either rescued Akane or died trying.
The problem was, he would die trying. And Gosunkugi,
no matter how evil he could act, couldn't just kill
someone outright.
Gosunkugi slid open the door and shouted in, "Anybody
home?"
He heard someone say, "Coming!" After a moment, a
woman came into the entranceway that Gosunkugi
recognized vaguely as being Akane's older sister.
"Yes, what can I do for you?"
Gosunkugi pointed at the gate and the sign next to it.
"Do people wanting to kidnap Akane have to go around
back with the challengers?"
Kasumi laughed politely. "Oh my, no. They usually just
come in the front door. Or the windows. Or, sometimes,
the walls. Ranma's friends are so rambunctious
sometimes!"
"Where's Akane?"
"In the backyard, studying with Ranma." Kasumi cocked
her head. "Why do you ask?"
But she was already speaking to his retreating back.
Gosunkugi walked around the outside of the building,
finally openly in the yard that he had snuck around in
so often, hoping for a glimpse of his love.
As he rounded the final corner, he saw Akane and Ranma
sitting side by side on the edge of the house, a book
open between them. Ranma looked up.
"Hi, Gos. What's up?"
Gosunkugi took one deep breath and steeled himself.
"DIEM WIND!" The hurricane-force gale sent Ranma into
one of the walls bordering the house's yard. Gosunkugi
turned to Akane, her mouth still open in shock, and
tossed an ofuda onto her forehead. "SLEEP!"
She collapsed, and Gosunkugi gathered her into his
arms. Ranma got to his feet and ran for the wizard
with all the speed his feet could muster, but it was
too late.
"RAYWING!" Gosunkugi zoomed up, and Ranma's desperate
leap only scraped his fingernails across the shield of
wind. Gosunkugi let loose with his newly minted evil
laugh, which made him sound frighteningly like
Katsuhiko Jinnai.
Ranma watched his fiance disappear into the distance
as he collapsed to his knees. "Akane..."
****
Ryouga walked down the passageway, looking for his
room and, not being able to find it, he was cursing
the world in general. He was thankful that he was
aboard a ship, at least; that greatly reduced the
chances of something strange happening, like that one
time he followed a talking rabbit, hoping to ask for
directions, and fell down the rabbit hole...
His ruminations were interrupted by a tap on the arm.
He turned around and groaned inwardly when he saw that
it was Amelia, wrapped up in a voluminous cloak.
"R-Ryouga?" she asked timidly.
Ryouga was trying hard to be patient with her. Really.
But everyone has a breaking point (no pun intended)
and Ryouga was approaching his. "Yeah, Amelia?"
"Can I talk to you in private for a little bit?" She
motioned to one of the empty billets nearby.
Ryouga saw no reason why not, which only shows how
truly ignorant he is. "Sure." He followed her into the
room, and once he got in, turned around to close the
door. When he put his attention back on Amelia, she
had
dropped her cloak, and she was wearing...
Something filmy, silky, see-through, pink, lacy,
low-cut, with bows placed strategically to preserve
the barest amount of modesty. "Do you like it?"
Ryouga closed his eyes out of simple
self-preservation. Nevertheless, he still lost enough
blood to make blood-drive workers shake their head at
the sheer waste. "What are you doing?!" he sputtered.
"P-put something else on?"
Ryouga waited a few seconds, then said, "Have you
changed yet?"
"Of course." Ryouga, mindful of past experiences,
double-checked by asking, "Are you sure?" without
opening his eyes.
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Really, really sure?"
"Will you just open your eyes?!"
Ryouga opened his eyes, and there she was. Buck. Ass.
Naked. She posed for him and said, "How do you like
the Birthday Suit ensemble?"
Picture waterfalls with spray and foam falling
thousands of feet to the jagged rocks below. Imagine
mighty rivers flooding their banks to destroy
budding civilizations entire. Visualize ornate magical
fountains sending streams of water leaping gracefully
into the air. All these things come _so_ close to
describing Ryouga's nosebleed, but fail to do the full
effect justice.
Ryouga slammed his eyelids shut, then, for and extra
measure of protection clapped his left hand over his
eyes. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" He scrabbled for the
door handle with his free hand.
That's when he felt something brush against his bare
arm he was 100 percent certain was not a hand. "I want
you, Ryouga."
I'm afraid Ryouga freaked at that point. For the first
time in his life, he was as fast as Ranma as he turned
180 degrees and ripped through the wooden bulkhead
like it was tissue paper. Which, for someone of his
strength, it probably was.
He ran down the passageway, not quite as destructively
because he didn't want to punch through the hull and
kill everyone on board. He ran and ran and ran until
he ran into something, knocking himself flat.
Ryouga looked up and saw Babblin' Joe standing there.
Babblin' Joe looked Ryouga straight in the eye and
said distinctly, "You must find the Keys toher
problem."
Ryouga looked Babblin' Joe straight in the eye and
said distinctly, "What?"
"You must find the Keys to her problem." With that,
Babblin' Joe turned around and walked away, leaving
Ryouga behind to unscrew the inscrutable.
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Well well well, that was fun and it turned out as good
as I thought it would. Just a few minor things need
explaining, I suppose.
Yes, it _was_ the keys making Amelia act like a
little... well, I suppose that all of you know the
words I could insert here.
Yes, Xelloss didn't appear in this chapter. Trust me,
he'll more than make up for it in the next one.
For those of you _still_ scratching your heads,
Subarus, Sailor Moon, and Santana are entirely
unrelated except for the fact that they all begin
with the Letter of the Day, 'S.'
Speaking of the Letter of the Day, more discerning
lovers of ASCII art may have noted that the 'S' in
GIRLS is all jacked up. Don't bother flaming me about
it; I could care less. But flame me about anything
else! Regular C&C is welcome too, I suppose.
Oh yeah, I realize that in Slayers the Motion Picture
Lina didn't suffer from seasickness. Sue me for
creative license.
No, I'm not sure where that scene with Kasumi and
Nabiki came from, but somehow it doesn't seem out of
place to me. I'm thinking of rewriting it and
marketing it as a separate fic, because it could stand
alone.
The contest of pun-counting is canceled until further
notice. Sorry folks, there just didna seem to be much
interest in it.
And now, as a super-duper extra-special addition, a
small omake which takes place during this story. Yeah,
I know, incredibly kewl, but don't get too excited.
****
Aaron cackled madly as he typed.
"Ahahahahehehehehackcough!" After he recovered, he
said, "Ripping on Flash Gordon. Too cool!"
A sudden flash like a camera's temporarily blinded
him. When he blinked it away, he noticed an ominous
shadow looming over his computer. Aaron slowly turned
to find Jusenkyou in his Avatar, cracking his knuckles
ominously.
"As it happens," Jusenkyou said calmly, "I like that
movie a great deal. It also happens that I _don't_
like people who insult that movie. So for your
crimes..."
Aaron held out both hands defensively. "I'm not the
person who wrote this! I as just looking over Aaron's
story for him! My name's Eyewrin, and I'm his clone!
Aaron's over there!" He pointed at the entertainment
center, where Eyewrin was busy beating the crap out of
Darshu with Taunting Godhead Legend Stone Cold Dan
Hibiki. Aaron had just purchased MTCFFU: Best of Ultra
for the PS2, and so far he hadn't been able to pry his
clone away from it.
Jusenkyou pointed at Eyewrin. "You!"
"Huh?" Eyewrin blocked another series of cheap-ass
moves and retaliated with a pink puffball.
Jusenkyou stomped one foot. "I'm talking to you! Give
me the respect due a God!"
"Just a sec, I'm about to pull off..." The really
really big sound system hooked to the TV resounded
with the shout "DAN DAN BOOT TO THE HEAD!"
and Darshu went flying off into the sunset.
"That's it, I'll make you listen!" Jusenkyou pulled a
bucket out of nowhere and splashed it on the hapless
clone as he waited for the load time to finish.
Eyewrin transformed into a... wombat. Jusenkyou
laughed.
"That'll teach you to make fun of my favorite movie!"
Punishment inflicted, Jusenkyou disappeared.
Eyewrin leveled a glare at Aaron that the author
translated as, "I'll get you. Maybe not now, maybe not
tomorrow, but watch your back." Or maybe Aaronwas
reading too much into a single glance and the poor
clone-turned-wombat was just constipated, but
somehow... he doubted it.
****
Was it as good for you as it was for me? He's still
looking at me funny, but that could be because I've
got the computer with the good typing programs and he
wants to start working on his latest fic. It's, um...
kinda sick. Kinda _really_ sick.
Stefan Gagne (that really really cool guy) created
mtcff Ultra, and you must visit the site upon which
that epic rests! Really! I insist. If you don't
I'll never never let you read another one of my
stories ever ever again, so you'd better.... Anyway,
here's the address: http://mtcffultra.com/. Don't
forget to check out NeoFighters, too!
Aaron Bergman
iamfanboy@hotmail.com
"If the body forms scars to remind us of past
mistakes, then wisdom is the mind's scars."
-Me
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