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>Hey, DFR!
Hey, LD!
>> One of my prereaders pointed out that I
>should've waited to
>> post this when part 3 is ready, because part 2
>contains a
>> lot of connecting material. He's absolutely
>right, but since
>> I'd already committed myself publicly to a posting date,
>> here it is. Enjoy...
>
>So, what have you learned today? Never promise,
>always _surprise_... ^_^
Uh... Well... :)
>> C&C very welcome. Respond to FFML or privately to:
>> dfroeder@flash.net
>
>I really found very little errors, but I'm still
>going publicly. Um,
>with a team of prereaders like that one, what
>could you expect? ^_~
There was actually one huge error... No Disclaimer. EEK!!!
Yeah, it's an excellent crew of prereaders. They deserve a
round of applause. *Cue studio sign...* :)
>> Her eyes blinked as she awoke, and confusion settled in.
>
>Ookay, call me nitpicker, but "Her eyes blinked
>as she awoke" sounds
>awkward and not that good an opening.
Hmmm, will consider an alternative.
>>The wrinkled face
>triggered her
>> memories of the events that had brought her to
>the home of
>> her husband's one-time adopted mother, and
>Ryouko smiled at
>> Wong Liu, as the old woman continued to nap
>away the first
>> blush of morning.
>
>Though very well-written, this is one helluva
>long sentence. May I
>suggest cutting it at "mother"? Like:
>
>...adopted mother. Ryouko...
Hmmm, I'll think about it, but I read it through several
times just now, and it seems to parse okay to me.
>> "I married a morning person. I can just *hear* Aeka
>> laughing," she muttered, climbing out of the tiny bed.
>
>Tiny beds make marriages interesting, Latin sez.
Is Latin an expert? ;)
>> Ryouko knew that Ranma was, in fact, *not* a
>morning person
>> per se, but someone who took sleep when he
>could snatch it
>> and rose when he'd had enough; Ryouko was the
>true master of
>> late morning dalliance. Also, Ranma would occasionally
>
>Nonononono, you got it all wrong! ZEN is the true
>master of dalliance.
>Gee, they all know that.
I've cried myself to sleep at nights, wondering when Zen is
going to finish Long and Winding Road... ^_-
>> suffer from uneasy sleep and would rise early,
>discomfited.
>
>...and rise... ? Not sure.
Yeah, probably. Always cut words whenever possible. :)
>> the table. <Oh, you are such a sweetheart...>
>Smiling, she
>> poured herself some of the brew, its strong, bitter odor
>> entering her nose and making her mouth ache for its hot
>> caress. She sipped appreciatively before
>setting out to find
>> her errant mate.
>
>You know, most good fanfics have a "drinking tea"
>(or coffee, etc.)
>scene. I've remember C&Cing a chapter of Ronin
>Summer (a series I love)
>where the main character "held the cup in her
>hand, feeling its heat" in
>her palms, or something like that. That's the
>reason I put one in my
>last piece of fiction--you know, to follow in
>your footsteps, guys. ^_^
>
>Now that we have that bit of idle comments out of
>the way...
Well, the beverage technique can get a little stale, and I
might tend to overuse it somewhat, although in my defense, I
will say it seems like every anime scene I look at has
someone drinking tea in it. Very ubiquitous piece of any
setting in Japan, I guess.
>> Casting her attention to the open door to the
>bedroom, Liu's
>> light snores were still audible. Ryouko nodded
>to herself
>> and rose from the ground, floating out the back
>door just as
>> the first speck of the sun appeared on the
>gentle roll of
>> the horizon.
>
>Nice description.
Thanks. ^_^ Personally, I like "variegated apparitions from
the gray", but hey... :)
>> indicating that they should come at the farmhouse from
>> different angles. The hulking warrior Dowel, who was
>> carrying a shriveled old woman on her back,
>Cologne, stayed
>
>Um, it should be pretty obvious who the
>"shriveled old woman" is, more
>so to those who read Part 1.
That could be tightened up, for sure.
>> with Shan Pu, and the three of them headed up
>the two-wheel
>> track, turning off into the fields just as the farm came
>> into view over a low rise.
>
>[...]
>
>> She sighed. "Just you wait, Hakubi Ranma. One of these
>> days--"
>
>I don't think you have ever covered the reasons
>why Ranma adopted
>Ryoko's (sorry, but the extra "u" seems jarring
>to me :-p) family name.
>Will that be explained in the future?
I'm not sure I have an in-story reason for it. However, from
a compositional viewpoint, it creates the sense of even
greater distance from his first family, and that adds to the
gulf to be overcome in future.
>> "Ohayou, my wife."
>
>RANMA: 'Ohayou', my wife? What the heck does
>'ohayou' mean?
>RYOKO: Don't have the slightest clue. I heard it
>from an Otaku, and it
>sounded cute...
>RANMA: Oh.
>
>^_^
/me slaps Latin_D around a bit with a large trout... :)
>> Even after five years of marriage, being called
>'wife' still
>
>Single quotes are usually reserved for quoting
>inside another quote.
Not always. I avoid using double quotes for anything other
than real dialogue -- it can be visually confusing. I like,
whenever possible, to keep delimiters to a single job only.
>> fashion. <Doesn't look like a fighter, but if
>she is, then
>> she becomes an obstacle. And obstacles...>
>
>ALL: ...are for killing!
>SHAN PU: Have I become predictable? Curse the heavens!
>
>Thanks for not finishing the cliche. ^_^
:)
>> A bonbori slammed into the ground, but the creature had
>> fled. "Shit!"
>
>Yeah. A multicoulour ball against a battleship.
>That's gonna be one
>tough battle.
Hehehehe.
>> "What do we do, Ranma?" Ryouko had shifted
>around so that
>> Liu was between them. "I don't want to, ah,
>'you know' them
>> if I don't have to." Ryou-ou-ki was at her
>feet, hissing at
>> the purple-haired warrior that had trod on her.
>
>RANMA: 'You know'? What do you mean, my wife?
>RYOKO: 'YOU KNOW'.
>RANMA: Um, cook for them?
'You know?' Nan da yo... sore wa? :P
>> Still seated on the chair strapped to Dowel's
>back, Cologne,
>> the current Nyuuchiezuu matriarch, smiled to herself and
>> nodded at his tactics. <He's wily,
>Great-granddaughter. Yes,
>> I think he'll make a fine husband for you. You could use
>> more tempering in battle tactics.> *Sigh.*
>
>Oookay. Here we come to one of my biggest issues
>with the previous
>chapters. I don't like these action cues (like
>*sigh* or *choke*, which
>I saw used before), not special effects, that
>IIRC you used in the scene
>Ranma was cutting wood way back then. I found
>them really jarring, and
>believe there's always a way to use prose instead.
You're probably right, although I do think there are kinds
of scenes where that sort of thing is useful and even
desirable. I'll review the instances of action cues in the
chapter.
>> Cologne went on. "It is the Law of the Nyuuchiezuu that
>
>Usually, it is:
>
>...went on, "It is...
Mmmm, maybe. That's an iffy situation, and my sense of it
for this particular instance is that it should be a period,
although I'm willing to entertain a counter-argument. :)
>> "Yes, yes, boy, I understand your reluctance,
>but the law is
>> the law. Look at it this way: you'll be contributing to
>> three-thousand years of Nyuuchiezuu glory!"
>
>RANMA: Ah, that makes it all worthwhile! Who need
>hot, desirable Ryoko
>when you have Amazon glory?
Well, Cologne's a little old for pleasures of the flesh to
sway her much... DON'T SAY IT!!! :P
>> "And I will prove it!!" Shan Pu launched
>herself at Ryouko,
>> bonbori leading. Ryouko caught both globes of
>the maces in
>> her hands, stopping them completely.
>>
>> "Un--... worthy?" Twitching, Ryouko's fingers
>dug into the
>
>Ummmm, I never saw something like this
>"Un--...worthy" (ellipsis after
>dash). As you're implying a pause, maybe just:
>"Un... worthy?"
Will review.
>> orange point of an energy sword hovering over
>the slope of
>> her nose, and then backed hastily away.
>
>...then hastily backed away.
Agreed.
>> "Un-- Un-- worthy... Ryou-ou-ki," she said in a
>dead voice.
>> "Get Ranma and Liu out of here."
>
>....voice, "get... (Suggestion.)
Agreed.
>> "Unworthy?" she hissedm, and then shouted,
>"UNWORTHY?!?!"
>
>Typo: hissed
Yup.
>> As she arced through the air to land hard in
>the high grass
>> surrounding the farm, Cologne wryly noted that
>she'd done
>> something she hadn't done since her youth: she'd made a
>
>Having "she'd done" and "she hadn't done" in the
>same sentence sounds a
>bit off. I recommend rephrasing.
Heh. Will look it over; it is a bit odd.
>> "Move it, Dowel. Unless you want to know what's
>it like to
>> be instantly well done." Blanching, the lumbering
>
>Well-done? Think so...
Word 2K gives me fits about that, though, not that it's much
of a spelling authority, mind you. :) Will check in the
dictionary.
>that none of
>> the blasts had claimed any victims, and she was grateful
>> that the woman, or whatever, was being at least that
>> merciful. Her special cold ki-hot ki attack was
>considered
>> and discarded; she'd need to be quite close to
>make it work
>
>I'd put a comma after "work".
>
>Then again, I use too many commas. ^_^
Hmmm, hard to say without seeing what came after. :) Just a
moment... Agreed. Two complete sentences involved.
>> She turned to see Shan Pu sitting on the
>ground, her eyes
>> wide and staring.
>>
>> "Ai... ren..."
>
>"E... T... home..."
Gaaaaaaah. :)
>> the same distance from the fleeing women, so it
>was only the
>> woman's desire not to kill that kept them from
>meeting their
>> ancestors prematurely.
>
>Well, I don't think Cologne would have met them
>'prematurely'... ^_^
You have a point, Sir. ^_^ But your hair covers it well! :P
>> it would have probably turned into even more,
>given time."
>> She bowed her head. "For denying that a chance
>to live, I...
>
>...that chance...? Not sure if it works as it is.
Disagree. It parses okay, I think, and is understandable.
>
>[...]
>
>> Tsunami looked up at him. "I still love Ryouko like a
>> sister, and I would do almost anything to have her
>> forgiveness... or Aeka-oneesama's."
>
>AEKA: Strip.
>TSUNAMI: Huh?!
>RYOKO: And then dance.
>TSUNAMI: HUH?!
No, that's another fic... KIDDING!! :D
>> "I'll... talk to Ryouko," Ranma said uncertainly, "but I
>> can't, *won't* promise anything. Even now, she'll barely
>
>...I can't--*won't... (Works better, methinks.)
Mmmm, perhaps. Will review that.
>> Ranma was at her side in a flash. "Liu? Liu-san? How you
>> feel?"
>
>For a moment I thought she was going to say "Do I
>know you, mister?",
>but then I realized you were a good writer. ^_^
/me whaps Latin_D again! :)
>> "Yes... Actually, Liu is just fine and go home
>at any time,
>
>Um, there's something amiss here. "...free to go
>home..."? "...fine and
>go home..." doesn't make it for me.
Yes. Omitted word. Will fix. :)
>> Kasumi's wooden cooking spoon spun out of her
>hand, spraying
>
>Heh. I'd chose another verb, as "spoon spun"
>sounds a bit off.
Rally Vincent: I agree...
DFR: Really, Rally?
:P
>> Nodding and confused, Soun followed Kasumi out of the
>> kitchen, through the tearoom, out the open
>shoji, and into
>> the doujou. She stopped in the middle of the floor and
>> turned to face him.
>
>"Dojo", Mage sez. :-p
/me blows a raspberry at Latin_D and Mage... :)
>> Hovering in place on her toes, Nabiki swallowed
>once, then
>> twice. She wondered just what exactly had blown
>up in their
>> faces -- hoping it had nothing to do with current
>> developments -- and whether or not she'd be
>able to doctor
>> its spin. Blowing air out of her mouth, "Calm,
>Nabiki," she
>> traced Soun's path to the outlying building on
>the property.
>
>Er, this doesn't look right. What about:
>
>"Calm, Nabiki." Blowing air out of her mouth, she
>traced Soun's path to
>the outlying building on the property.
Hmmm. Not sure I like that. They were in that order
intentionally.
>> A four-year-old girl with midnight blue hair
>peeked around
>> from behind Tsunami's house kimono.
>"Achika-chan, say hello
>> to Wong-san."
>>
>> "Ohayou, Wong-san," Achika said in a tiny
>voice, her large
>> red eyes peering intently at their guest.
>
>TSUNAMI: You brat! I told you to say 'hello'!
>ACHIKA: ...sorry...
>
>Last time I make this joke, I swear. ^_^
Suuuure, it is. ^_^
>> Levitating up from her prone position on the
>couch, Ryouko
>> straightened and waved at Liu.
>>
>> "Hmph! Wires."
>
>Heheh.
>
>> Ryouko fell out of the air, and then was right
>back up. She
>> teleported to another location in the house and
>then back to
>> the couch.
>>
>> "Mirrors, but very well done."
>
>Heheheheh.
>
>> The pirate slapped her forehead, and then produced her
>> energy sword.
>>
>> "Errr... How did you do that? I didn't know you
>did magic
>> tricks!"
>
>LOL! ^_^
Yeah, I just love that sequence. Hehehehe.
>
>[...]
>
>> They stopped a short distance from the house, Ryou-ou-ki
>> having run alongside, and Ryouko alit on the
>ground and set
>
>....Ryoko alighted... ("To alight" is a regular verb.)
My Unabridged Webster's says either is good.
>> *Sigh.* "Just do it, please?"
>
>Again, I think staing Ryoko sighed would be better.
Will consider.
>> ominous density seemed to hang in the air, and
>Akane wasn't
>> certain she wanted to proceed. She grumped and shook her
>> head, "Silly, silly," and marched straight to the closed
>> shoji, firmly opening them.
>
>Again, the way you mix dialogue and narrative
>here doesn't look right.
>It may be stylistic, I suppose...
Well, I think people are relatively divided on that style of
constructing a sentence: some like it, some don't. I tend to
use it sometimes because it varies the same old sentence
structures, like passion spice on a cookie... :P
>> *What?* Akane mouthed.
>>
>> *Guess who?* Nabiki returned.
>>
>> Akane frowned in incomprehension.
>>
>> *Ranma* Nabiki pointed down. *Here - Clinic - Doctor.*
>
>I'd use quotes here, as you already stated they
>were mouthing the
>words...
Disagree. The reader could easily forget and think of it as
dialogue, and the transition to real dialogue could be
missed.
>> Wagging her finger at the bound woman, Washuu
>said, "Oh, I
>> never said there WASN'T such a thing. And..." She looked
>> onna-Ranma up and down once, "...I'm not entirely gender
>> specific in my tastes."
>>
>> Ranma swallowed thickly to Washuu's cackling laughter.
>
>Heheheh. Very funny scene. ^_^
Pure Washuu. ^_^
>> The main control crystal, with an image of a
>familiar cabbit
>> projected onto the insides of its facets, bobbed once,
>> projected eyes rolling.
>>
>> "... miya..."
>
>Heheh. This was even better. I'm beginning to
>like Liu. ^_^
:)
>> Soun smiled faintly. "I think you were the one
>down, and by
>> four tiles... No, Saotome-kun, there is a
>matter between our
>> two families which must be addressed. Will you
>join me with
>> your pipe on the engawa?"
>
>GENMA: Sure! *picks up Japanese dictionary* I'll
>be there as soon as I
>find out what 'engawa' means, okay, old friend?
>
>Last one. This time I mean it. ^_^
/me whaps Latin-D around with a sperm whale... Heh.
>> "No, boy, you're not just going to walk away
>from this. No,
>> indeed. I did not spend all that time training
>you just so
>> you can go off and play at being a doctor. No,
>sir. My life
>> is worth FAR more than that. This is will be corrected.
>
>This will...
Yup. Will fix.
>> As the Tendou daughters completed the cleaning of the
>> kitchen, Akane stopped and placed her hands on the
>> countertop, closing her eyes and leaning
>forward until her
>> forehead rested against a cabinet door. <There
>has GOT to be
>> a way to fix this...>
>>
>> She jumped when Kasumi hugged her from behind, and Akane
>> turned and buried her face in Kasumi's shoulder. After a
>> moment, Nabiki's hand rested on Akane's arm in an
>> uncharacteristic show of support from the
>middle daughter.
>
>Yes! Hot lesbian sex is the way to fix ANY
>problem, girls! Go DF! ^_^
... Wrong fic... ^_^
>> Thanks for reading,
>
>Thanks for writing.
>
>Well, all in all, almost flawless piece of
>fiction.
O_O No such thing. :P But thanks for the thought. :)
>The things I spotted
>were all nitpicks--as I expected with the quality
>of your prereaders.
>This seemed lighter in tone that the previous
>installments, with the
>notable exception of the scene with the Tendo
>sisters and Tsunami's
>conflict. Not much else to say. The story flowed
>smoothly most of the
>time, but I felt it dragged a little at the end
>with the conflict
>between Soun, Genma and Soun's Angels there.
Hmmm, that's probably because as far as chapter breaks go,
it was the lesser of several evils.
>So, anyway, to all of you (if any) that are
>reading this, HH is a must
>read. One of my favourite crossovers, and very
>well-written.
Thanks for the kind words and the public C&C, LD. See you on
the channel.
Ja!
Dave
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://home.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html