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Hey, DFR!
One of my prereaders pointed out that I should've waited to
post this when part 3 is ready, because part 2 contains a
lot of connecting material. He's absolutely right, but since
I'd already committed myself publicly to a posting date,
here it is. Enjoy...
So, what have you learned today? Never promise, always _surprise_... ^_^
**********************************************************
Hearts' Healing 2 - The Paths of Honor
A Ranma 1/2 - Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-Ohki FanFiction
By
D.F. Roeder
This and other fanfiction or mine can be found at:
http://home.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html
C&C very welcome. Respond to FFML or privately to:
dfroeder@flash.net
I really found very little errors, but I'm still going publicly. Um,
with a team of prereaders like that one, what could you expect? ^_~
[...]
----- Acknowledgments -----
Many thanks to T.H. Tiger, Louis Philippe-Giroux, XStylus,
and Vincent Seifert for pre-reading. Thanks to Andrew
Norris, Kevin Hammel, and Anand Rao for spot-reading along
the way. If I've left anyone out, you may frog me at your
leisure. ^_^
That's what FFIRC is there for, right? ^_^
Need I meantion all the comments are IMHO?
Let's snip, so you don't have to go looking for my lame jokes. ^_^
========================================
Part 2: Conflicts of Interest - I
========================================
[September 16, 2003]
Her eyes blinked as she awoke, and confusion settled in.
Ookay, call me nitpicker, but "Her eyes blinked as she awoke" sounds
awkward and not that good an opening.
"Where am I?" she asked the ceiling in a whisper.
CEILING: How should I know, you nuts?
The slow breathing of another drew her attention, and she
turned her head to see an elderly woman sleeping in a bed on
the other side of the room. The wrinkled face triggered her
memories of the events that had brought her to the home of
her husband's one-time adopted mother, and Ryouko smiled at
Wong Liu, as the old woman continued to nap away the first
blush of morning.
Though very well-written, this is one helluva long sentence. May I
suggest cutting it at "mother"? Like:
...adopted mother. Ryouko...
Even though she'd only been there about a day and a half,
the former space pirate and Demon of Destruction had already
found a place in her heart for Liu. Ryouko rolled over and
started as she realized Ranma was gone. She felt a moment's
panic, but he was *always* up before her. She hated and
loved that about him, and shook her head in exasperation.
"I married a morning person. I can just *hear* Aeka
laughing," she muttered, climbing out of the tiny bed.
Tiny beds make marriages interesting, Latin sez.
Ryouko knew that Ranma was, in fact, *not* a morning person
per se, but someone who took sleep when he could snatch it
and rose when he'd had enough; Ryouko was the true master of
late morning dalliance. Also, Ranma would occasionally
Nonononono, you got it all wrong! ZEN is the true master of dalliance.
Gee, they all know that.
suffer from uneasy sleep and would rise early, discomfited.
...and rise... ? Not sure.
She was rarely awake enough to notice it, though.
As she padded out of the bedroom, Ryouko mentally cast about
for Ryou-ou-ki, more out of habit than need, these days. Her
space-faring partner was nosing around one of the fields,
probably having followed Ranma out. Ryouko examined the only
other sizable room of the house and then moved into the
kitchen, noting a teakettle and two clean cups sitting on
the table. <Oh, you are such a sweetheart...> Smiling, she
poured herself some of the brew, its strong, bitter odor
entering her nose and making her mouth ache for its hot
caress. She sipped appreciatively before setting out to find
her errant mate.
You know, most good fanfics have a "drinking tea" (or coffee, etc.)
scene. I've remember C&Cing a chapter of Ronin Summer (a series I love)
where the main character "held the cup in her hand, feeling its heat" in
her palms, or something like that. That's the reason I put one in my
last piece of fiction--you know, to follow in your footsteps, guys. ^_^
Now that we have that bit of idle comments out of the way...
Casting her attention to the open door to the bedroom, Liu's
light snores were still audible. Ryouko nodded to herself
and rose from the ground, floating out the back door just as
the first speck of the sun appeared on the gentle roll of
the horizon.
Nice description.
[...]
indicating that they should come at the farmhouse from
different angles. The hulking warrior Dowel, who was
carrying a shriveled old woman on her back, Cologne, stayed
Um, it should be pretty obvious who the "shriveled old woman" is, more
so to those who read Part 1.
with Shan Pu, and the three of them headed up the two-wheel
track, turning off into the fields just as the farm came
into view over a low rise.
[...]
She sighed. "Just you wait, Hakubi Ranma. One of these
days--"
I don't think you have ever covered the reasons why Ranma adopted
Ryoko's (sorry, but the extra "u" seems jarring to me :-p) family name.
Will that be explained in the future?
[...]
"Ohayou, my wife."
RANMA: 'Ohayou', my wife? What the heck does 'ohayou' mean?
RYOKO: Don't have the slightest clue. I heard it from an Otaku, and it
sounded cute...
RANMA: Oh.
^_^
Even after five years of marriage, being called 'wife' still
Single quotes are usually reserved for quoting inside another quote.
[...]
Her eyes narrowed at the strange woman enjoying herself with
Nyuuchiezuu property. She looked a bit too thin to be a
warrior, although the hair wasn't *too* outre for village
fashion. <Doesn't look like a fighter, but if she is, then
she becomes an obstacle. And obstacles...>
ALL: ...are for killing!
SHAN PU: Have I become predictable? Curse the heavens!
Thanks for not finishing the cliche. ^_^
Deciding where she wanted to be when the moment came, Shan
Pu stepped forward, but her foot landed on something oddly
soft and hard at the same time. Its voice, however, was
definitely hard on the ears.
"MIYAAAAAAA!!!" it screamed.
A bonbori slammed into the ground, but the creature had
fled. "Shit!"
Yeah. A multicoulour ball against a battleship. That's gonna be one
tough battle.
[...]
"What do we do, Ranma?" Ryouko had shifted around so that
Liu was between them. "I don't want to, ah, 'you know' them
if I don't have to." Ryou-ou-ki was at her feet, hissing at
the purple-haired warrior that had trod on her.
RANMA: 'You know'? What do you mean, my wife?
RYOKO: 'YOU KNOW'.
RANMA: Um, cook for them?
[...]
Still seated on the chair strapped to Dowel's back, Cologne,
the current Nyuuchiezuu matriarch, smiled to herself and
nodded at his tactics. <He's wily, Great-granddaughter. Yes,
I think he'll make a fine husband for you. You could use
more tempering in battle tactics.> *Sigh.*
Oookay. Here we come to one of my biggest issues with the previous
chapters. I don't like these action cues (like *sigh* or *choke*, which
I saw used before), not special effects, that IIRC you used in the scene
Ranma was cutting wood way back then. I found them really jarring, and
believe there's always a way to use prose instead.
[...]
Cologne went on. "It is the Law of the Nyuuchiezuu that
Usually, it is:
...went on, "It is...
strong woman warriors find suitable husbands. I cannot, in
all good conscience, let such a fine specimen as yourself
get away."
Looking back at Ryouko, Ranma saw her start to twitch. "Um,
I don't think you fully understand the situation."
"Yes, yes, boy, I understand your reluctance, but the law is
the law. Look at it this way: you'll be contributing to
three-thousand years of Nyuuchiezuu glory!"
RANMA: Ah, that makes it all worthwhile! Who need hot, desirable Ryoko
when you have Amazon glory?
[...]
Ryouko's left eyebrow twitched as Shan Pu continued. "You
are no warrior!"
"You are no warrior," Ranma echoed weakly.
"You are UNFIT!"
Ranma coughed. "You are, um, unfit... Try not to kill her,
Dear."
Heheheh. ^_^
"And I will prove it!!" Shan Pu launched herself at Ryouko,
bonbori leading. Ryouko caught both globes of the maces in
her hands, stopping them completely.
"Un--... worthy?" Twitching, Ryouko's fingers dug into the
Ummmm, I never saw something like this "Un--...worthy" (ellipsis after
dash). As you're implying a pause, maybe just: "Un... worthy?"
hollow metal of the mace. "How DARE you!" In the blink of an
eye, Ryouko had released the bonbori, and the severed
forward halves of the mace heads fell to the ground, an
afterglow ringing the edges. Shan Pu crossed her eyes at the
orange point of an energy sword hovering over the slope of
her nose, and then backed hastily away.
...then hastily backed away.
[...]
"Un-- Un-- worthy... Ryou-ou-ki," she said in a dead voice.
"Get Ranma and Liu out of here."
....voice, "get... (Suggestion.)
[...]
"Unworthy?" she hissedm, and then shouted, "UNWORTHY?!?!"
Typo: hissed
[...]
As she arced through the air to land hard in the high grass
surrounding the farm, Cologne wryly noted that she'd done
something she hadn't done since her youth: she'd made a
Having "she'd done" and "she hadn't done" in the same sentence sounds a
bit off. I recommend rephrasing.
tactical error by proceeding with too little information and
not fully understanding her opponents. <A beginner's lesson,
you foolish old wo--> "OOF!" <You KNEW something was off
about her. Bah!>
"Move it, Dowel. Unless you want to know what's it like to
be instantly well done." Blanching, the lumbering
Well-done? Think so...
Nyuuchiezuu warrior took off at a run, although Cologne
managed to hop into the seat before she was up to speed.
Explosions rocked all around, turning the surrounding farm
into a blast zone of craters. Cologne noticed that none of
the blasts had claimed any victims, and she was grateful
that the woman, or whatever, was being at least that
merciful. Her special cold ki-hot ki attack was considered
and discarded; she'd need to be quite close to make it work
I'd put a comma after "work".
Then again, I use too many commas. ^_^
[...]
She turned to see Shan Pu sitting on the ground, her eyes
wide and staring.
"Ai... ren..."
"E... T... home..."
[...]
difference in aim. She wasn't fooling herself. Ever the
tactician, she'd noted that the blasts had all been about
the same distance from the fleeing women, so it was only the
woman's desire not to kill that kept them from meeting their
ancestors prematurely.
Well, I don't think Cologne would have met them 'prematurely'... ^_^
[...]
"And Tenchi was starting to come around to Aeka and Ryouko.
Another year or two, perhaps, and something solid would have
probably grown between the three of them." She laughed.
"Despite their fights, Aeka and Ryouko love each other, and
it would have probably turned into even more, given time."
She bowed her head. "For denying that a chance to live, I...
...that chance...? Not sure if it works as it is.
[...]
Tsunami looked up at him. "I still love Ryouko like a
sister, and I would do almost anything to have her
forgiveness... or Aeka-oneesama's."
AEKA: Strip.
TSUNAMI: Huh?!
RYOKO: And then dance.
TSUNAMI: HUH?!
"I'll... talk to Ryouko," Ranma said uncertainly, "but I
can't, *won't* promise anything. Even now, she'll barely
...I can't--*won't... (Works better, methinks.)
speak of it, and when she does..."
[...]
Ranma was at her side in a flash. "Liu? Liu-san? How you
feel?"
For a moment I thought she was going to say "Do I know you, mister?",
but then I realized you were a good writer. ^_^
[...]
"Yes... Actually, Liu is just fine and go home at any time,
Um, there's something amiss here. "...free to go home..."? "...fine and
go home..." doesn't make it for me.
[...]
Kasumi's wooden cooking spoon spun out of her hand, spraying
Heh. I'd chose another verb, as "spoon spun" sounds a bit off.
[...]
Nodding and confused, Soun followed Kasumi out of the
kitchen, through the tearoom, out the open shoji, and into
the doujou. She stopped in the middle of the floor and
turned to face him.
"Dojo", Mage sez. :-p
[...]
Hovering in place on her toes, Nabiki swallowed once, then
twice. She wondered just what exactly had blown up in their
faces -- hoping it had nothing to do with current
developments -- and whether or not she'd be able to doctor
its spin. Blowing air out of her mouth, "Calm, Nabiki," she
traced Soun's path to the outlying building on the property.
Er, this doesn't look right. What about:
"Calm, Nabiki." Blowing air out of her mouth, she traced Soun's path to
the outlying building on the property.
[...]
A four-year-old girl with midnight blue hair peeked around
from behind Tsunami's house kimono. "Achika-chan, say hello
to Wong-san."
"Ohayou, Wong-san," Achika said in a tiny voice, her large
red eyes peering intently at their guest.
TSUNAMI: You brat! I told you to say 'hello'!
ACHIKA: ...sorry...
Last time I make this joke, I swear. ^_^
[...]
Levitating up from her prone position on the couch, Ryouko
straightened and waved at Liu.
"Hmph! Wires."
Heheh.
Ryouko fell out of the air, and then was right back up. She
teleported to another location in the house and then back to
the couch.
"Mirrors, but very well done."
Heheheheh.
The pirate slapped her forehead, and then produced her
energy sword.
"Errr... How did you do that? I didn't know you did magic
tricks!"
LOL! ^_^
[...]
They stopped a short distance from the house, Ryou-ou-ki
having run alongside, and Ryouko alit on the ground and set
....Ryoko alighted... ("To alight" is a regular verb.)
[...]
*Sigh.* "Just do it, please?"
Again, I think staing Ryoko sighed would be better.
[...]
ominous density seemed to hang in the air, and Akane wasn't
certain she wanted to proceed. She grumped and shook her
head, "Silly, silly," and marched straight to the closed
shoji, firmly opening them.
Again, the way you mix dialogue and narrative here doesn't look right.
It may be stylistic, I suppose...
[...]
*What?* Akane mouthed.
*Guess who?* Nabiki returned.
Akane frowned in incomprehension.
*Ranma* Nabiki pointed down. *Here - Clinic - Doctor.*
I'd use quotes here, as you already stated they were mouthing the
words...
[...]
Wagging her finger at the bound woman, Washuu said, "Oh, I
never said there WASN'T such a thing. And..." She looked
onna-Ranma up and down once, "...I'm not entirely gender
specific in my tastes."
Ranma swallowed thickly to Washuu's cackling laughter.
Heheheh. Very funny scene. ^_^
~~~~~
"WHEEEE!! Do it again!!" Liu cried, her face plastered to
Ryou-ou-ki's currently transparent environmental dome. Her
anti-anxiety medication was still in full swing.
Ryouko's eyes rolled in her head and she dramatically
clutched her stomach; doing corkscrews around Saturn's rings
on top of Washuu's little bombshell about babies was not
doing her digestion any favors.
"Ryou-ou-ki," Ryouko called weakly, "once more, then head
for home."
The main control crystal, with an image of a familiar cabbit
projected onto the insides of its facets, bobbed once,
projected eyes rolling.
"... miya..."
Heheh. This was even better. I'm beginning to like Liu. ^_^
[...]
Soun smiled faintly. "I think you were the one down, and by
four tiles... No, Saotome-kun, there is a matter between our
two families which must be addressed. Will you join me with
your pipe on the engawa?"
GENMA: Sure! *picks up Japanese dictionary* I'll be there as soon as I
find out what 'engawa' means, okay, old friend?
Last one. This time I mean it. ^_^
[...]
"No, boy, you're not just going to walk away from this. No,
indeed. I did not spend all that time training you just so
you can go off and play at being a doctor. No, sir. My life
is worth FAR more than that. This is will be corrected.
This will...
[...]
As the Tendou daughters completed the cleaning of the
kitchen, Akane stopped and placed her hands on the
countertop, closing her eyes and leaning forward until her
forehead rested against a cabinet door. <There has GOT to be
a way to fix this...>
She jumped when Kasumi hugged her from behind, and Akane
turned and buried her face in Kasumi's shoulder. After a
moment, Nabiki's hand rested on Akane's arm in an
uncharacteristic show of support from the middle daughter.
Yes! Hot lesbian sex is the way to fix ANY problem, girls! Go DF! ^_^
[...]
Part 3 *should* be ready shortly after Christmas, as most of
it is already written.
I notice the "should". :-p
Thanks for reading,
Thanks for writing.
Well, all in all, almost flawless piece of fiction. The things I spotted
were all nitpicks--as I expected with the quality of your prereaders.
This seemed lighter in tone that the previous installments, with the
notable exception of the scene with the Tendo sisters and Tsunami's
conflict. Not much else to say. The story flowed smoothly most of the
time, but I felt it dragged a little at the end with the conflict
between Soun, Genma and Soun's Angels there.
So, anyway, to all of you (if any) that are reading this, HH is a must
read. One of my favourite crossovers, and very well-written.
I'll be looking forward to Part 3! Keep writing!
Latin_D