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I was supposed to preread this, but never received it... my guess is
that it was
sent last month when my mail server was goofed up and the server ate
it.
That's what I think as well. I sent this chapter out some time ago, but
decided to wait a bit until I posted it.
Well, if she'd understand, it's a step in the right direction. Isn't
it?
Forgiveness can't be that far behind. And people forgive their kin,
it's
their nature.
You've slipped into present tense with this paragraph. Nice
introspection into
Nabby's character, BTW.
Thanks. I'll fix the tenses.
"Ranma, as a goddess and ruler of Japan's heaven-space, I cannot
support
you or your actions..."
"Mom!" Ranma cried out, hurt.
Unabated, Amaterasu continued, "...officially. As your mother,
however,
I'd like to give you my blessing."
AMA: However, if you are caught, the sun goddess will disavow all
knowledge of
your actions.
RANMA: Wimp.
^_^
"I don't have much time to talk, my son," Amaterasu said, her voice
sounding more urgent than before. "Take good care of your fiancee,
and
continue believing in yourself. If you do that, then there is no
obstacle that you two would not be able to overcome together."
RANMA: [rolls eyes] Gee, thanks for the platitudes, Mom. Should I be
upright and
true to my school too?
Amaterasu: Oh, and don't forget to be the paragon of manliness!
"I understand, mother. I will make you proud..."
Mother. (capitalize when used as a name)
I see, thanks.
You've got four paragraphs right in a row here with the same
structure. Might
want to change some of them for variety.
I'll try to fix that.
"We are?" Ranma asked, peaking from behind his hands.
peeking ("peaking" means reaching a summit or limit)
Ack! I can't believe I did that.
*Corwin shakes his head sadly.*
Seeing a blush spreading all over Akane's cheeks, he guessed what
she
was thinking about and said teasingly, "No, not in that way. Who's
the
pervert now, huh?"
AKANE: The author? :)
Hehehe...
"Get on with it!" Akane shouted, embarrassed.
"You know, Akane, I don't have any problems seeing you as a demon
right
now," Ranma mused, tapping his chin thoughtfully.
Not sure if I understand where this line came from.
What do you mean?
"Why, thank you! And as your reward, I'll cook an elaborate meal
tonight, just for you!" she replied, smiling sweetly.
This is rather unusual for Akane-- an admission that her cooking is
bad.
Well, I was thinking that her self-estime would be higher after Ranma
complimented on her cooking the last time (chapter 1). Also, she's
talking about making a bad meal on purpose, not admitting that she
generally cooks bad.
Ok, so it's a poor excuse. Any ideas how I can make Akane's line more
believable?
"So... I have a soul?" Akane asked, blinking in surprise.
"Huh? Why shouldn't you have one?"
Ranma turned to stare at Akane, visibly making her nervous by his
scrutiny.
"I don't know... I don't know anything anymore," she said, sighing
and
shaking her head.
Interesting bit of character development, but IMO it would help if we
had some
description of Ranma and/or Akane's feelings here, to give us a better
grounding.
Sure, I'll add that in the revision.
"Akane, please hear me out!" Nabiki pleaded with her sister
desperately.
"He was going to elope with a goddess, I was just trying to protect
you
goddess. I
or
goddess; I
Ok, thanks.
"Before you... what?" Susano asked, the humor gone from his voice.
As he
brought his hand from behind his back, Amaterasu's eyes widened in
shock.
"No, it can't be..." she whispered, shaking her head in denial. "How
did
you get the God CD?!"
SUS: Nya ha ha! With this, I shall reboot Yggdrasil and do a clean
re-install of
the operating system!
AMA: Fool. Haven't you read the label?
SUS: You mean... ack! Darn it, this is just an upgrade disk!
^_^
By the way, to anyone who might've missed it, the God/Demon CDs are from
the OMG manga. While this is an alternate (manga) OMG universe, I see no
reason against using any of the 'canon' artifacts. ^_^
"Something's just happened to mom. I have to go and see her!" Ranma
got
Mom. (caps)
Alright.
"Yes. You're right, Akane. My mother would have wanted me to think
things through first."
"I'm glad you're back to your senses now, Ranma."
RANMA: Actually, I'm not. I am in fact to my senses for the very FIRST
time.
AKANE: I know. I was trying to be kind.
A kind Akane and a Ranma that's admitting his shortcomings? ^_^
"Now, Ranma will be even more unstable than before... especially if
Amaterasu isn't coming back again..."
SKULD: So, if the sun goes out in a few weeks and everyone freezes to
death...
we might have to worry about Ranma being pissed off?
Look at it from skuld and Urd's POV. They have about a month to get
Amaterasu back, or come up with a solution for the problem. However,
they may not have even that month if Ranma goes ballistic and decides to
move ahead with the schedule. Also, I believe that (according to myths,
such as the one with Amaterasu and the cave) gods can exist without the
sun. However, most of the (Norse) gods will die in Ragnarok.
I think Urd and Skuld should be worried more about Ranma than about
Amaterasu's disappearance under these circumstances.
Not a lot to say here.... The storyline's interesting, though I'd like
to get a
better idea of what the deal was between Amy and Susy and why the
former had to
go inside her cave. As I've pointed out, I think you could be clearer
about the
characters' feelings and motivations in some spots, and a little more
description of this would give us a better feel for the story without
requiring
a lot of exposition and backstory.
Gary
I'm actually using what I could find on the net about Amaterasu and
Susano-o. The myth that was described in Brendan O'Donnell's reply is
pretty much the same version I'm using. The sword Amaterasu passed on to
the first emperor of Japan was the Kusanagi (and the sword she gives to
Ranma in chapter 6). Another of the three objects mentioned in that
email is the Sacred Mirror of the Grand Shrine of Ise, which also plays
a certain part in the story. If I made some mistake about the names or
any of the information, I'd appreciate if anyone who knows better
corrected me.
I think I'll cover the myth and any relevant information in a side
story.
Thank you very much for commenting on the chapter, and I'll try to work
on the things you've pointed out to me.
Corwin