Corwin (ely7@inter.net.il) wrote:
Please, oh please send me C&C!
I was supposed to preread this, but never received it... my guess is that it was
sent last month when my mail server was goofed up and the server ate it.
"Will she understand?"
God, she hoped her sister would understand her motives. It wasn't really
her choice, after all, and had there been some other way...
"Will she ever forgive me?"
AKANE: No.
NABS: It was a rhetorical question!
Well, if she'd understand, it's a step in the right direction. Isn't it?
Forgiveness can't be that far behind. And people forgive their kin, it's
their nature.
You've slipped into present tense with this paragraph. Nice introspection into
Nabby's character, BTW.
"Ranma, as a goddess and ruler of Japan's heaven-space, I cannot support
you or your actions..."
"Mom!" Ranma cried out, hurt.
Unabated, Amaterasu continued, "...officially. As your mother, however,
I'd like to give you my blessing."
AMA: However, if you are caught, the sun goddess will disavow all knowledge of
your actions.
RANMA: Wimp.
"I don't have much time to talk, my son," Amaterasu said, her voice
sounding more urgent than before. "Take good care of your fiancee, and
continue believing in yourself. If you do that, then there is no
obstacle that you two would not be able to overcome together."
RANMA: [rolls eyes] Gee, thanks for the platitudes, Mom. Should I be upright and
true to my school too?
"I understand, mother. I will make you proud..."
Mother. (capitalize when used as a name)
"Ranma!" Akane cried out in panic, her eyes opening. A few moments later
they've found their target, and the girl relaxed visibly, seeing that
they had found (past tense)
"You're ok! Geez, why did you hafta be so careless? Ya let a simple
second class goddess take you down!" Ranma chided her, trying to act
casual, as if nothing happened.
"Shut up, you idiot! That's the thanks I get for shielding you?!" Akane
shot back angrily, scowling.
"That ain't how I remember it! You just flew backwards and got knocked
out on a wall!" Ranma retorted, putting his hands on his hips.
"Oh yeah? Without my glorious sacrifice, it'd be you splattered all over
that wall, not me!" Akane replied, snorting in contempt.
You've got four paragraphs right in a row here with the same structure. Might
want to change some of them for variety.
"We are?" Ranma asked, peaking from behind his hands.
peeking ("peaking" means reaching a summit or limit)
Seeing a blush spreading all over Akane's cheeks, he guessed what she
was thinking about and said teasingly, "No, not in that way. Who's the
pervert now, huh?"
AKANE: The author? :)
"Get on with it!" Akane shouted, embarrassed.
"You know, Akane, I don't have any problems seeing you as a demon right
now," Ranma mused, tapping his chin thoughtfully.
Not sure if I understand where this line came from.
"Why, thank you! And as your reward, I'll cook an elaborate meal
tonight, just for you!" she replied, smiling sweetly.
This is rather unusual for Akane-- an admission that her cooking is bad.
"So... I have a soul?" Akane asked, blinking in surprise.
"Huh? Why shouldn't you have one?"
Ranma turned to stare at Akane, visibly making her nervous by his
scrutiny.
"I don't know... I don't know anything anymore," she said, sighing and
shaking her head.
Interesting bit of character development, but IMO it would help if we had some
description of Ranma and/or Akane's feelings here, to give us a better
grounding.
"Akane, please hear me out!" Nabiki pleaded with her sister desperately.
"He was going to elope with a goddess, I was just trying to protect you
goddess. I
or
goddess; I
"Before you... what?" Susano asked, the humor gone from his voice. As he
brought his hand from behind his back, Amaterasu's eyes widened in
shock.
"No, it can't be..." she whispered, shaking her head in denial. "How did
you get the God CD?!"
SUS: Nya ha ha! With this, I shall reboot Yggdrasil and do a clean re-install of
the operating system!
AMA: Fool. Haven't you read the label?
SUS: You mean... ack! Darn it, this is just an upgrade disk!
"Something's just happened to mom. I have to go and see her!" Ranma got
Mom. (caps)
"Yes. You're right, Akane. My mother would have wanted me to think
things through first."
"I'm glad you're back to your senses now, Ranma."
RANMA: Actually, I'm not. I am in fact to my senses for the very FIRST time.
AKANE: I know. I was trying to be kind.
"Eternal darkness?" Skuld asked, biting on her lower lip.
"Yep. And Kami-sama can't just choose another goddess to fill in for
Amaterasu. The Goddess of the Sun is one of those truly irreplaceable
gods, see? The rest of the Sun Deities only channel her power."
"Do you think that, maybe, Ranma had anything to do with her
disappearance?"
"C'mon, you're grasping at straws, Skuld," Urd replied, shaking her
head. "He will never do anything that'd hurt his mother, and you know
it. You do bring an excellent point, though."
"What's that?"
"Now, Ranma will be even more unstable than before... especially if
Amaterasu isn't coming back again..."
SKULD: So, if the sun goes out in a few weeks and everyone freezes to death...
we might have to worry about Ranma being pissed off?
Not a lot to say here.... The storyline's interesting, though I'd like to get a
better idea of what the deal was between Amy and Susy and why the former had to
go inside her cave. As I've pointed out, I think you could be clearer about the
characters' feelings and motivations in some spots, and a little more
description of this would give us a better feel for the story without requiring
a lot of exposition and backstory.
Gary