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The usual apologies, the usual request that you don't take this
seriously, and the usual reassurance that we DO like this anime, it's a
great film, go watch now!
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Macross Plus belongs to Big West / Macross PLL's Project and they
HAVEN'T said we can do this. Be nice and don't tell them. Cheers!
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WRITERSUBI: Hello one and all. Welcome to the Five Minute Theatre
Christmas special. Not only have we got a complete and utter classic
for you this time, but we've negotiated the rights to an EXTRA five
minutes, which gives us...
CODERSUBI: Ten minutes.
WRITERSUBI: I knew that. TEN minutes of brutal satire this time.
ARTSUBI: And, as an extra bonus, WriterSubi has agreed to go and take a
bath while CoderSubi, MusicSubi and myself write the fic for him.
WRITERSUBI: I can't believe I agreed to this. Anyone seen the loofah?
MUSICSUBI: *CHOMP*
WRITERSUBI: I should have guessed. I think you'll be needing some
help, so I gave Mary a call.
MARY: Hi-ii!
WRITERSUBI: Mary, will you help this trio of mindless philistines write
a 5MT?
MARY: Okay, but only if I can do it naked.
ARTSUBI: You think we MIND?!
WRITERSUBI: Okay, I'll leave you to it then. [exits to BATHROOM, sound
of running water]
CODERSUBI: Right, here we go. In a universe where everyone has the
same nose...
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5 MINUTE THEATRE PRESENTS : McROSS PLUS
Original story: Studio Nue / Shoji Kawamori
Original screenplay: Keiko Nobumoto
Parody: Subi & Mary
[Dedicated to all pioneers^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H sarcastic bastards]
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MYUNG: Crivins! I wunted tae be 'n eydul sanger, an' noo Ah'm producer
tae a big black boax tha' ca' sang betta' than Ah evah cud. C'n ye
no tell mah life dinna tak' tha' path Ah wunted it tae?
GULD: Aye, well. Them's tha' breaks.
ISAMU: Hoots mon, who's this McRoss bastard anyways?
MYUNG: Ah dinna ken. Some wee sassenach I reckon. Pass tha' electric
soup wudye?
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WRITERSUBI: Excuse me, something I feel I should point out here.
M-A-Cross Plus is NOT Scottish! You missed the "A" out, you morons!
ARTSUBI: Did we?
CODERSUBI: Arse.
WRITERSUBI: Mary, YOU knew, why did you let them carry on?
MARY: [sniggers] Must be my Scottish blood.
WRITERSUBI: I give up. MusicSubi, give me the soap.
MUSICSUBI: *CHOMP*
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5 MINUTE THEATRE PRESENTS: MACROSS PLUS
Original story: Studio Nue / Shoji Kawamori
Original screenplay: Keiko Nobumoto
Parody: Subi & Mary
[Dedicated to all pioneers^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H sarcastic bastards]
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MYUNG: I wanted to be an idol singer and ended up producer to a big
black box that can sing better than I can. Can you tell my life
didn't take the path I wanted it to?
GULD: Silence please, I'm interfacing. Reckon Anno will nick the idea
of a direct brain interface for Evangelion?
ISAMU: Nah, no-one would nick a project as crappy as yours.
GULD: It is NOT crappy!
ISAMU: Is!
GULD: Is not!
ISAMU: Is!
GULD: Is not!
MYUNG: SHUT UP YOU TWO!
ISAMU: Well come ON. The only time that plane gets any decent speed up
is when he's had curry for lunch.
GULD: Look, I control that craft by flexing various muscles. It's just
unfortunate that it's my... rectum that controls the thrust, all
right?
MARJ: The PSX sampling data on Sharon is proceeding nicely.
MYUNG: PSX? This thing runs on a PlayStation?!
MARJ: Only in the merchandising. A10 nerve connections? UCL? Sync
rate? Is this sounding familiar to anyone else yet?
YANG: Vaguely. If that IS the case, then I hope our new pilot isn't an
obnoxious, red-haired little squit with a higher IQ than mine.
Where IS our new pilot?!
LUCY: Out on the runway trying to do the Vulcan salute. And it looks
like he's drunk too...
ISAMU: Which way is up? Oh, that way. Cool! I just reached orbit.
LUCY: You're not the only one.
YANG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY PLAAANE?!
ISAMU: Using it as the world's largest Etch-A-Sketch. Man, that was
goooood grass I got at the spaceport, I feel sooo trippy. Anybody
got any LSD? Hey Lucy, wanna shag? Oh. Hi Guld.
GULD: Fool. Observe how perfect my hair is.
ISAMU: Up yours, green boy.
LUCY: SCREEEAAAM! Although, strangely, you almost killing me on this
wild and exciting motorbike ride only makes me want to sleep with you
even more. What the hell IS that animal in that field?
ISAMU: Dunno. But it looks like Cow & Chicken finally went past
friendship.
LUCY: Cool. Is my top short enough?
ISAMU: Nearly. Who's that singing? Sounds like an old friend of mine.
LUCY: That's Sharon. She's not even human.
ISAMU: Hmmm. Can't be an old friend of mine then. I wouldn't shag a
computer.
MYUNG: Thank you all for coming to the Sharon Apple Galaxy Tour press
conference. Sadly, we will NOT be giving away free chocolate bars
during the performance. We could only do that if we agreed to call
this the Sharon Apple Fruit 'N' Nut Tour.
PRESS: Aw. Although that sounds strangely appropriate. What do you
think of all the people who want Sharon to be their girlfriend then?
MYUNG: It'd be like sticking it in a toaster.
PRESS: [wince in sympathy]
ISAMU: Awww! I got grounded for being stoned on duty!
GULD: Fool. Observe my hair is still perfect.
MYUNG: Looks at all the fans. Sharon has captured the hearts of so
many people already. SHE'S A COMPUTER PROGRAM YOU SADDOS!
REYMOND: Woah. Myung the Merciless. [the incidental music goes WAB
WAB WAB WAAAH]
MYUNG: Damn, flashback time. Do I really have to face my personal
demons now?
GULD: Hello Myung.
ISAMU: Hello Myung.
MYUNG: Apparently yes. I think I'll just go into denial.
GULD: What are YOU doing here? Fool.
ISAMU: Hey, at least I can still pull the chicks.
LUCY: I love all this macho shit. But as we're not alone, does this
mean we can't have a shag out here like we wanted to?
GULD: Yes, it does.
ISAMU: Oh yeah?
GULD: Yes!
ISAMU: Oh yeah?! Hey! Watch the bike! Kaneda[1] sold me that!
MYUNG: I SAID CUT IT OUT YOU TWO! I'm not the person you both knew!
ISAMU: I'll say. Your breasts weren't that pointy for a start.
GULD: True. I always fancied Linn Minmay more anyway. Excuse me, it's
time to reveal to the viewers that I'm on drugs to cope with being
half-human and half-Zentraedi. And to control the anger I feel
towards you for... Damn, I can't remember.
ISAMU: I can, but I'm not telling you. Ner ner ne-ner ner!
YANG: I love Sharon, and I love the fact that she performs her concerts
topless even more. So I'm going to hack into her. Wow, that sounds
really... DIRTY. *SNIGGER* Besides, I've got to do something while
the YF-19 gets fixed.
MYUNG: Get out of my brain, fanboy. I'm trying to fixate on Isamu
here.
LUCY: Good gig though.
MARJ: Meanwhile, I'm augmenting Sharon with an illegal bio-chip.
Sorry, this bit has no soap-opera elements, but it IS an important
part of the plot.
MYUNG: And while he's doing that, two of my old friends are unwittingly
torturing me by singing karaoke versions of Linn Minmay's old hits at
me and forcing me to face the fact that I screwed my career up.
MORGAN: Sorry. Wanna hear me do the New Zealand rugby chant then?
KATE: I don't think she does. I'll invite Guld and Isamu over instead.
ISAMU: Well I'M not coming, 'cause you invited Guld first.
MYUNG: Actually, I don't want to see EITHER of them, so I think I'll
head back to the concert hall.
KATE: Drat. Am I insensitive or what?
MYUNG: I hate your songs Sharon. I just want to go away and disappear.
SHARON: Okay. Burn to death then.
ISAMU: Well, I'm trying to shag my bimbo on the pier, so someone else
will have to save you. Yo, what was your name again, babe?
LUCY: Why DO I want to sleep with this man? Let me play with YOUR
joystick big boy... Does everyone like my tits by the way? It's the
only nudity you're getting in the entire film.
GULD: My turn for some macho posturing then. Why am I trying to break
down a SLIDING door?
SHARON: Idiot. I'll open it for you, because my personality isn't
fully formed yet and I'm going mad.
MYUNG: And as a reward for him saving my life, I'll repair Guld's
shoulder with shaving foam and let him sleep with me. But I'm a main
character, so you're not seeing ME naked.
GULD: Ah! I feel manly and confident. Time for a test flight and to
bait Isamu a bit.
ISAMU: You tried to kill me!
GULD: Did not!
ISAMU: Did!
GULD: Did not!
ISAMU: Did!
MILLARD: Actually, he DID. But I'll be shredding the report that
proves it because he's such a good pilot.
GULD: I believe it is once more time to mention that my hair is STILL
perfect.
ISAMU: While I have to spend my time in a bath of black goo when I
should be out there shagging chicks. Actually, stuff this; let's go
out to the forest, Myung. I'm bored with Lucy now.
MYUNG: Why? All you're going to do is chase dino birds.
ISAMU: Why not? I'm too good at chasing the usual type of bird. You
don't mind walking back do you?
MILLARD: Can I just interrupt here? Sorry, plot point again. Back on
Earth they're testing a new type of robot plane that will make all
human pilots obsolete. Everybody got that?
ISAMU: Shhh! We're trying to fight here. WILL you watch my bike?!
That's the second time!
GULD: Tough. That that! *WHACK*
ISAMU: Oh yeah? Take that! *WHACK* Ooops, sorry Myung.
MYUNG: AAAOW! Both of you are so quick to anger. So quick to fly into
a blind rage...
GULD: No we're not!
ISAMU: Yes we are!
GULD: Are not!
ISAMU: Are!
MYUNG: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?!
MARJ: I agree. Come on Myung, we're going back to Earth.
GULD: In a foreshadowing of my forthcoming demise, let me give away my
good luck charm to you as a farewell present. And my hair is still
perfect.
MYUNG: Oh great. Now HE's torturing me with my OWN singing. I KNOW I
screwed my career up okay? Will everybody PLEASE stop reminding me?!
ISAMU: Yeah, you should be doing what I'm doing, practising for the
final test. Wow Lucy, you look great when you're out of breath. I
love the way your boobs heave up and down and up and down and up and
down...
LUCY: Roll that tongue back in, drool boy. The Colonel's got some bad
news.
MILLARD: Yes. I felt now was the right dramatic moment to inform both
teams that their projects have been cancelled in favour of the Ghost
X-9. Damn, I should've been a movie director.
ISAMU: I don't believe it! You've got to be kidding!
YANG: I've wasted my youth!
GULD: My hair is still perfect!
LUCY: My role is over! Isamu, go after Myung.
ISAMU: No way. I'll go after the Ghost fighter though.
YANG: Only if I can come along.
GULD: I don't believe you, you're going after Myung and I'm going to
stop you! With my perfect hair!
SHARON: Actually, I think he's coming to see me...
LUCY: So who IS he going after?
MILLARD: Buggered if I know.
MYUNG: What?! I'm fired?
MARJ: Yup. Not as fired as Reymond though. *BANG*
REYMOND: Urk. Exactly what WAS my role in this? *SLUMP*
MARJ: To demonstrate my madness. Although the fact that my glasses
glow all the time was probably enough of a giveaway. Okay Sharon,
time to do the old Urotsukidoji tentacle bit with Myung.
MYUNG: What?! Hey!
SHARON: Yes sir. And I'll make sure I get some gratuitous full-screen
shots of her chest in there as well. Did I mention that I love
Isamu?
MARJ: Yes. Are we ready for the concert? Let's rock!
AUDIENCE: Wooo... Pretty... Wiggly hair and pointy ears...
ISAMU: Meanwhile, we've arrived at Earth. Man, is the UN paranoid or
what? I mean, look at all these defences! WHO are they defending
against?!
YANG: Us. Nail 'em.
ISAMU: Can we get the transient facts?
YANG: Only if we feel the pulse from unknown satellites.
ISAMU: Man, I love that song.
MARJ: Magnificent... Oooh, Sharon, let me caress your box...
SHARON: I'm a bit busy right now. We just got to the bit in the
tentacle scene where Myung's clothes get ripped off... Oh, she did
it herself. And escaped. See what happens when you distract me like
that?
GULD: Isamu! Time for a huge fight where we wreck half the city!
ISAMU: You're on! *BADABADABADABADABADABADABADACLICK* Damn! Eject
huge magazine...
INNOCENT BYSTANDER: *SPLAT*
ISAMU: Ooops.
GULD: Idiot. My perfect hair will win the day. What's this? Oh, just
that flashback with you forcing yourself on Myung seven years ago
again, which is why I hate you. But this time I can remember it in
more detail... What?! It was me?! Curses!
ISAMU: Yeah. We just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
GULD: Don't patronise the poor Zentraedi. *POUT*
ISAMU: So we're friends again then?
GULD: Yes.
YANG: I'm glad. By the way, there's something we forgot.
GHOST X-9: Yes, me. *WHOOOOOSH* And even I'M in love with Sharon.
GULD: I'll take care of it, go get Myung!
MYUNG: Yeah, I could use some help here. All the security guards are
under Sharon's control, the Macross is taking off and the audience
are more stoned than the one at Woodstock was.
ISAMU: I'm coming!
YANG: And the last person he said THAT to was filing a paternity suit
nine months later.
MYUNG: Hurry up! I can't shoot straight!
SHARON: Ha ha. You missed. What's your problem anyway? I'm just
giving Isamu what he really wants. And it isn't you, you has-been.
It's the feeling he gets from flying jet fighters.
GULD: He always was shallow. And I just sacrificed myself to destroy
the X-9 too. Make sure they bury my hair with full honours!
YANG: Hang on, I've almost given Sharon a virus!
ISAMU: I think you're carrying this fanboy thing a bit too far. Hey
look, if you're going to get kinky with her I'll just hit your eject
switch.
YANG: *KA-TCHHH* YAAAaaahhh...!
SHARON: Okay Isamu, your turn, let's go! We're alone at last! Faster!
Faster! Higher! Higher! More! More! YES! YES! YEEES!
MYUNG: Isamu, you two-timer! HEY! Damn, he's not listening! Looks
like I'll have to sing.
ISAMU: Wha...? Oh! Sorry... *HEADBUTT* You're OFFLINE, you virtual
vixen!
SHARON: Damn. I thought the black box always survived the crash.
*FZZZT*
MYUNG: Just time for one more gratuitous boob shot, and for Isamu to
prove that he's still a jerk.
ISAMU: Hey, I never claimed to be deep. So, wanna shag?
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[1] From Akira. And if you had to look down here to get that gag you
haven't watched NEARLY enough anime. Pah. Newbies.
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WRITERSUBI: [reads fic] Not bad.
ARTSUBI: See? Told you anyone could write this stuff.
CODERSUBI: And it wasn't easy, what with all the... distractions.
WRITERSUBI: Good point. You can get dressed again now Mary.
MARY: Must I?
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Subi & Mary [16/12/00]
subi@gameart.com
http://www.gameart.com/4ca
[end]