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REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE
THE OAVing - PART 4
NACHO: Welcome back yet again, loyal fans!
ACE: And anyone else who just happens to be reading this. Get a life!
SHEILA: Take two. They're pretty short.
NACHO: Especially around this crew.
ACE: Well, Junk isn't really dangerous. Just perverted.
NACHO: I meant the Ran Wars crew. We've just seen Genma narrowly win a
podrace with some incredible techniques, and Jedi Konatsu face off
against Darth Kumon in a lightsaber battle.
ACE: (snap-hiss)
JUNK: (fart)
SHEILA: Deadly... I think Junk wins this round.
ACE: You know what disappoints me? We haven't seen the bioroids at all
since part 2!
JUNK: Yeah! More Pink! More Link! More Nodoka!
SHEILA: Nodoka was in part 3.
JUNK: But I want to see more of her! Like, all of her!
NACHO: Hmmm... it does seem that Darth Kumon and the brief appearance of
the evil dwarf were the closest that the last part had to the bioroids
who are invading Dojo.
SHEILA: Maybe this part will feature them again.
NACHO: We'll just have to wait and see. On with Ran Wars: The Fandom
Menace part 4!
<BEGIN FANFIC>
(Meanwhile, aboard the escaping shuttle, everyone is busy
recovering from the fight.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Next time, Tofu, remember: as the superior Jedi here, I
get to fly the ship! NEVER try to beat me for the privilege!
ACE: <Tofu> Next time, can we just go best-of-three Rock, Paper,
Scissors?
-
Genma sits in the corner trying to
look inconspicuous,
-
NACHO: <Genma> Hey! Doesn't anyone notice how inconspicuous I am?
-
Nodoka is leaning against a bulkhead with a
somewhat shell-shocked expression,
-
ACE: <Bulkhead> You'd be shell-shocked too, if a cooking droid tried to
wax you with Pam!
SHEILA: <Ok-chan> I thought it was turtle wax, honestly! I always get
those two confused.
NACHO: <All> (prepare to vomit)
-
Kiima sits on the floor
clutching her head,
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> The voices... THE VOICES!
ACE: <Voices> Kill everyone... end the story now...
-
and Tofu is bent over Konatsu, who is trying
to look like she's not in intense pain.)
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Tofu... you're on my groin!
-
Nodoka: Such power...who was he?
Kiima: (groans) Whoever he is, he hits like a landslide.
-
NACHO: It's Earthquake from Samurai Shodown.
JUNK: My favorite character!
SHEILA: Really? You usually love to use the women.
JUNK: The girls in Shodown are all too prudish. Earthquake farts on his
opponents. How can you go wrong with that?
-
(looks
at Konatsu) Was he another Jedi?
Konatsu: (shakes her head painfully) Not...quite. I believe he
must have been a Dark Lord... (trails off)
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> (mumbles)
SHEILA: <Kiima> What was that?
NACHO: <Konatsu> So I fell asleep the day we covered Dark Lords in Jedi
History class! Why does everyone have to point that out?
-
Nodoka: Dark Lord?
Tofu: A Force-wielder who has succumbed to the evil in their
hearts. They are very dangerous.
-
ACE: <Tofu> They write bad anime fanfiction.
-
Konatsu: Worse yet...did you recognize his technique, Tofu-Wan?
Tofu: (blinks) No.
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> As I said... the worst part is that I've got a moron
for a partner.
NACHO: <Konatsu> It was obviously Texas Rodeo Martial Arts. The lasso
gives it all away.
ACE: Only because he keeps forgetting to tie a loop in it.
-
Konatsu: It was Jedi Ninjutsu.
Nodoka: That must have been the power he talked about...
-
ACE: <Konatsu> (shakes head) No. He was just trying to switch us to
nuclear power.
SHEILA: <random two-headed man in commercial> It's safe!
-
Kiima: So one of your warrior caste went rotten. But didn't you
say only one of them was around?
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Exactly. There was only one, and he went rotten,
leaving no good ones!
-
(she looks towards Genma, but
he has vanished again)
-
SHEILA: <Genma> I'm invisible! Can you see me?
NACHO: Not exactly what I'd call inconspicuous.
-
Tofu: I knew I had a bad feeling about all of this.
(Later, we see the shuttle descending towards the surface of a
planet. At least, we assume it is a planet.
-
ACE: It's actually only a beach ball covered with papier-mache and
painted to look like a planet. Blade and Epsilon were working with a
tight budget on this fanfic.
-
The entire surface
is covered by a giant city, towers thrust like daggers into the
crust of a world covered so thickly by the works of man that it
cannot be seen.
-
NACHO: The whole planet is a giant catbox lined with Shakespeare.
-
Shuttles and aircraft of all shapes and sizes
cover the skies in a multilayered stream.
-
ACE: As with any multilayered stream, it's experiencing major slowdown
due to excessive downloads of internet porn.
JUNK: Well... I need my fix!
-
In the cockpit of the
chromed shuttle, Genma is leaning over the shoulder of
Shinnosuke's grandfather.)
Genma: Wow.
-
NACHO: <Genma> I didn't know human shoulders could make a sound like
that!
SHEILA: <Shinnosuke's grandfather> They can't... at least, not if
they're still intact!
-
Tofu: Welcome to Coruscant, the capital of the Republic.
-
NACHO: (stares) We're HERE! It's CORUSCANT!
ACE: And I still don't understand a thing! They promised explanations
when we got to Coruscant!
SHEILA: Let's give them a chance to explain. We've only been here for
one stage direction and two lines of dialogue.
ACE: I'll give them a chance when they give me some details!
-
Genma: I've never seen a city so big.
Grandfather: And you won't see a bigger one. The whole planet is
covered by the city, from pole to pole.
-
NACHO: To shining pole.
ACE: To unofficial presidential poll.
SHEILA: To Scandinavian Pole.
NACHO: To fishing pole.
ACE: All right. So the city's not just big, it's diverse. I like that.
-
Genma: Cool.
Tofu: Look, the Chancellor is awaiting our arrival on the landing
platform.
-
SHEILA: <Tofu> I sure hope he remembers to move before we land!
ACE: <Tofu> Chancellor Okonomiyaki! Nice to see you again!
-
(Sure enough, two figures can be made out standing on the
floating platform below.
-
JUNK: Two figures making out on the platform below!
ACE: No... it said they could "be made out."
JUNK: Woo hoo! I'm there!
-
The shuttle slowly settles down on the
landing area, and out of the hatch walk the procession of
occupants: Shinnosuke, Konatsu, Tofu, the Queen, her retainers,
Kiima, Genma and finally Ok-chan.
-
ACE: Shinnosuke's not the only forgetful one... his grandfather's still
inside!
-
They are greeted by the two
figures; one a young man just entering his twenties,
-
SHEILA: Now entering the twenties. Beware of flappers.
-
with a
helmet of black hair and the ghost of a mustache on his lips.
-
ACE: The Hitler 'tache is indeed dead.
SHEILA: (hand on head) You like my helmet? It's genuine cat!
-
The other is the beautiful raven-haired woman earlier seen in the
hologram at the Dojo palace, dressed in elegant silk robes.)
-
JUNK: Where's the un-de-rezz button when you need it?
-
Young man: Greetings, your highness. In the name of the Republic
we welcome you.
-
ALL: (singing in high-pitched voice) We represent the Gardening Union,
the Gardening Union...
NACHO: Has anybody ever done a Star Wars/Wizard of Oz crossover?
-
Queen: Chancellor Tendo, Senator Rouge. (nods formally)
-
ACE: <Queen> Senator Rouge, Chancellor Tendo. Now that you've met,
perhaps we can move on to the billiard hall.
-
We are
pleased to be here.
Rouge: Your majesty. (curtsies) I have been working to get the
senate to take action on behalf of our people.
-
NACHO: Unfortunately, it's impossible. PROgress and CONgress are
opposites, after all.
-
Queen: I'm sure you have, Rouge. Your efforts on our part are
commendable.
-
ACE: <Queen> Unfortunately, our hair still gets in our eyes. Five
hundred more strokes with the royal brush!
NACHO: <Queen> To your backside!
-
Rouge: I only wish I could help you even more, my Queen.
-
JUNK: Toady. That was MY wish first!
-
Tendo: Your highness, now that you are here I am sure we can
inspire action.
-
NACHO: <Queen> No, Chancellor Tendo... I believe action will be
thoroughly unimpressed by us. You might do better to inspire the people.
-
I give my personal guarantee that all the power
of the Chancellor's office will be brought to bear, or my name is
not Soun Tendo!
-
ACE: <Queen> What a coincidence! My name is also Not... Not Given.
-
Queen: Thank you, Chancellor.
(Chancellor Tendo nods, and returns to his waiting airshuttle.
As he walks away, Genma tries to get a good look at him, and
pushes Ok-chan off the edge of the platform.
-
SHEILA: Those poor droids are always getting pushed off of platforms!
ACE: Hope they never end up in a subway.
-
The much-maligned
droid screeches, but manages to catch onto the lip of the
platform with his hands.)
-
NACHO: <Platform> Ybb'vb gbt mb lbpp...
-
Queen: Senator Rouge, what is the situation in the Senate?
Rouge: I wouldn't put too much value on the Chancellor's word.
-
ACE: Nabiki gives it odds of seventy to one against.
-
He is a weak-willed man, and the bureaucrats control all his
power. He places all his faith in the Jedi to solve his
problems.
Queen: All his faith in the Jedi?
-
SHEILA: <Rouge> Those damn televangelists got to him...
-
Rouge: Yes, he believes that the Jedi are infallible and thus can
answer any crisis. That is why he sent only two of them to
negotiate with the Gardening Union, and not an armed force that
could end the violence.
-
NACHO: End the violence! Send more armed troops!
-
Queen: The Jedi are very strong. They could save our people.
Rouge: But will they?
Queen: ...
-
ACE: <Queen> I presume so... the series goes at least until episode 6!
-
(Later, we see an ornate room atop a tower, windows on all sides
overlooking the city below. Konatsu and Tofu are in the centre
of a room,
-
NACHO: Since standing anywhere else in the room would upset the delicate
balance that keeps it perched atop the tower.
-
facing the combined gaze of a council of wise
beings...well, wise if that's the appellation one applies to,
say, a tiny green woman and a small child eating an ice cream
cone.)
-
SHEILA: Depends on the flavor.
JUNK: She could be hot... just needs some Dramamine and a bit of
aphrodisiac.
-
Old woman: (tapping her staff) So what are you saying, Konatsu?
That the Jedi Ninja have fallen to the Dark Side?
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> They just need new flashlight batteries. The local
stores don't sell D size.
ACE: <Konatsu> Unless you're talking about bras... want to see this
lovely lace number I picked up there?
-
Konatsu: I can only state what I saw and felt.
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Nodoka's boobs on both counts.
-
The warrior who
attacked me on Tokyo used the Ninjutsu arts. And the boy...
Old Woman: Are you sure this isn't just wishful thinking on your
part?
-
ACE: <Konatsu> Well, I did wish to be attacked by a powerful opponent
and have to be rescued by that snobby Kiima... but that can't have
anything to do with the fact that it happened!
-
Young Girl: (nods and licks her cone)
-
JUNK: (eyes grow wide) How did she bend THAT far?
SHEILA: She's just a child, Junk... you are SO sick!
-
We all know about your
self-initiated quest to rediscover the lost bloodline.
-
NACHO: <Young Girl> That's why we made you this map... it's got pretty
pictures and everything!
JUNK: <Konatsu> (stares at map) A naked picture of you? Sorry, but
you're a little young...
ACE: <Young Girl> No, silly... the lost bloodline is in the human body!
Right there, behind the appendix! It's been hidden from you all this
time!
SHEILA: <Konatsu> So THAT'S what that thing is in there for...
-
It could
have skewed your judgement.
Konatsu: (to the old woman) Elder Cologne, why should I lie about
this?
-
NACHO: <Cologne> Because I order you to! Your lies are pathetic! You
need practice!
ACE: <Konatsu> No, I don't!
SHEILA: <Cologne> (nods) Better.
-
Cologne: Perhaps not lying. Maybe you are instead merely
optimistic.
Tofu: (steps forward) May I remind the council that I too saw
this warrior in action?
-
ACE: <Cologne> (looks over paper) No, I'm sorry. That's not in the
agenda for this week's meeting. You'll have to wait until we discuss new
business.
-
Cologne: The only reason we have not yet dismissed this claim.
Regardless of whether he has the skills of a Ninja or not,
-
SHEILA: <Cologne> He's got the snazzy black threads... He must be a
ninja!
-
however, this dark warrior disturbs me. He seems to be a Sith.
Tofu: The Sith? The Dark bloodline? Aren't they extinct?
-
ACE: <Cologne> No... a group of scientists have been working to clone
both the Sith and the lost Jedi races from fossils found in amber. They
call the project "Jedi-Sith Park."
-
Cologne: Obviously not. But they must have a precious prize to
gain to risk such open exposure.
-
NACHO: <Cologne> They normally resort only to closed exposure.
ACE: Otherwise it would destroy the film!
-
Konatsu: What of the boy?
Young Girl: The one you say is the child of a Jedi Ninja?
Konatsu: The same.
-
SHEILA: <Young girl> The same one you fought? In that case, the boy must
be evil! Destroy him!
-
Cologne: If he can work the living Force, we will give him all
the same consideration as any other.
-
NACHO: <Cologne> But it's back-breaking labor... that's why most of the
living Force have transferred to the dead Force. Far less painful.
ACE: <Cologne> But just you try getting life insurance as part of their
benefits package!
-
Konatsu: Could you bring Genma in, Tofu-Wan?
Tofu: At once, sensei.
(He walks to the doors and opens them; at once Genma falls
inward, smacking the side of his head against the floor.
-
NACHO: When facefaults go bad...
-
He
leaps to his feet and tries his best to look like he wasn't
listening in.)
-
SHEILA: <Genma> (innocent whistling) What? I wasn't listening in!
ACE: <Konatsu> Then why do you have your fingers in your ears?
-
Konatsu: Come forward, Genma.
(Genma walks forward hesistantly, looking from face to face of
the members of the council. He gulps audibly as they stare at
him.
-
NACHO: <Genma> There... the cyanide should kick in in a few seconds.
-
There is a long silence...and then Cologne bursts out
laughing.)
Cologne: Good one, Konatsu! (wipes tears from her eyes)
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Just you wait until I've had a few tacos! I can clear
the room in seconds!
-
Now get
the actual boy you want us to meet.
Konatsu: (blinks) This is the boy.
Colonge: (stares at her) Are you serious?
-
NACHO: <Cologne> Where did this impostor come from? She's not me!
ACE: <Colonge> Damn! My plan was brilliant! By choosing a name that was
so close to a character, I would sneak into the script and... and...
NACHO: <Cologne> Why would you want to get INTO this fanfic? The rest of
us are dying to get OUT!
-
Konatsu: Aren't I always?
Young Girl: That's most of your problem, you know.
Cologne: Konatsu, this boy has enough fear and greed within him
to fuel a thousand Dark Jedi.
-
SHEILA: <Cologne> And enough paunch to feed them all for a year.
-
Konatsu: He's just cautious.
Cologne: (flat look) Well, for -caution's- sake, I will not risk
training him.
-
ACE: <Cologne> These -spears- poking out everywhere could seriously hurt
someone!
-
Konatsu: ... (nods) Very well. Then I shall take him on as my
apprentice.
Cologne: You already have an apprentice.
-
SHEILA: <Tsubasa> Yep! I'm learning the art of Jedi Cross-Dressing from
Mistress Konatsu!
-
Konatsu: He is well past time for passage into his full rank as a
Jedi Sage.
Tofu: Oh no...I still have much to learn.
Cologe: Konatsu, I suggest you take your leave from this place.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Okay... I'll just take this leave out of here...
ACE: <Cologne> No, stop! It's another impostor!
SHEILA: <Cologe> Drat! I was going to get him to carry the bomb
disguised as a leave out with him, blowing him up and ending this story
right here!
ACE: <Konatsu> No way! Take it back! (throws leave to Cologe)
NACHO: <Cologe> AAAAAH! (blows up)
-
Go and protect the Dojo Queen. We shall discuss the matter of
this... (stares hard at Genma) ...boy,
-
SHEILA: I know. It's hard to tell exactly how to classify Genma on first
glance.
NACHO: Well, you can be pretty sure it's not mineral.
-
sometime later.
Konatsu: Come along, Genma.
(In the royal Dojo suite, the honourable representative of that
planet is speaking to the Queen behind her dressing screen.)
-
JUNK: <Rouge> Nice jugs, Queenie...
SHEILA: <Queen> Must you also be behind the screen while I'm dressing?
JUNK: <Rouge> I wouldn't want to be anywhere else!
-
Queen: What of our people; has there been any word?
Rouge: A smattering only, your highness.
-
ACE: <Rouge> Smattering... a very fine word.
NACHO: Okay kids... she said smattering...
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (bell rings)
-
Few messages get past
the blockade. what we do hear isn't pleasant, I'm afraid. The
Union is a cruel tyrant.
Queen: Hopefully, this session of the Senate will change that.
-
SHEILA: <Rouge> Of course. Once we've had a real meeting, he'll be a
cruel president.
ACE: <Rouge> Our society will continue to evolve until we can research
Nuclear Technology. Then we'll build the Manhattan Project and raise our
score by 3%.
NACHO: If Sid Meier had written anime...
-
Rouge: I would not set my hopes too high, your majesty.
Chancellor Tendo is weak; his only allies are the Jedi, and they
are uninterested in the plight of our people.
-
SHEILA: <Rouge> They just sit around cheating at shogi all day.
-
Queen: The Jedi are the champions of the Republic.
Rouge: Forgive my bluntness, your majesty, but the Jedi are
nothing. They are power without strength and skill without
drive.
-
ACE: <Rouge> Which is why they always take the bus.
NACHO: <Queen> I've heard that the Jedi are also genius without
intelligence, magic without spells, and oxymoron without remorse.
-
If I had their power, I would have used it already.
-
ACE: <Rouge> (evil laugh) Then I would be Queen of Dojo!
SHEILA: <Queen> Et tu, Rouge?
-
Queen: ... (looks aside) Yet if we cannot rely on the Chancellor
and his Jedi allies, then what options are left, Senator?
-
JUNK: <Rouge> We could retire to bed now, or get madly drunk first.
NACHO: <Queen> I was referring to the bioroids.
ACE: <Rouge> Ah, yes. I suggest Agent Orange.
-
Rouge: A hard choice, your majesty. (looks sad)
-
NACHO: <Rouge> Hard choices always depress me...
SHEILA: <Queen> Just what nature of choice might this be, anyway?
ACE: <Rouge> (looks at menu) The chicken, or the fish?
-
(A short time later, the two walk onto a small balcony in the
council chamber.
-
SHEILA: <Queen> This balcony isn't big enough for the two of us!
ACE: <Rouge> Damn cheap treasury $%^&*... Had to go for the economy
package, didn't they?
-
The chamber itself is a titanic space, a huge
tower with a million platforms rsing up the walls like
clamshells.
-
NACHO: (stares) (continues staring) (stares more)
ACE: <Nacho> (blinks) Looks like I lose...
NACHO: No... I'm trying to imagine clamshells rsing on the walls...
SHEILA: (stares) Well, actually, those clamshells look thoroughly rsed
to me.
-
It rises dozens of stories into the sky, centred
around a large pillar topped by a turret on which the Chancellor
and his aides sit.
-
NACHO: Eating their curds and whey.
-
The uncountable voices in the chamber merge
into a soft background murmer, like the bubbling of a rocky
stream.
-
ACE: Oddly enough, the stream that runs through the center of the
chamber sounds like a million voices talking all at once.
NACHO: And then suddenly silenced.
SHEILA: I sense a disturbance in the script.
-
Finally, an artifically augmented voice rings out across
the Senate chamber.)
-
ACE: <Voice> Pay no attention to the senator behind the curtain!
-
Tendo: Order! The Chancellor recognizes the representative of
the free world of Dojo!
-
SHEILA: <Tendo> (waves) Hi there! Nice to see you! Oh, look! There's
someone else I recognize!
-
(The balcony the Queen and Rouge stand upon detaches from the
wall and floats towards the centre of the chamber.)
-
NACHO: It crashes into the Chancellor's pillar and explodes.
ACE: And you thought the podrace was going to be this fic's only source
of explosions...
-
Rouge: May I present her majesty, the sovereign queen of Dojo,
who will speak on our behalf?
Tendo: You may.
-
SHEILA: <Queen> Let me just adjust my robes of state...
ACE: <Tendo> You may not. You didn't say "Chancellor, may I?"
-
Queen: Thank you, Chancellor. (steps forward)
-
ACE: I sense a long speech coming up...
-
People of the
Republic, we have always claimed to stand above all for one
thing: freedom.
-
ACE: <Queen> However, that claim was actually only a disguise for our
true stance... for large kickbacks!
-
The freedom of each and every people to choose
their own path, their own religion, and their own system of
government.
-
SHEILA: <Queen> You chose Chancellor Tendo... and we immediately revised
our beliefs.
-
Our people chose a monarchy, and our person was
chosen to represent that faith.
-
NACHO: So the monarchy was the choice of religion, not of government?
-
Yet the choice has been taken
from us by force. The Gardening Union has not only attacked our
free choice, but in doing so attacked a pillar of the Republic.
-
NACHO: After the pillar of the Republic is destroyed, Chancellor Tendo's
platform collapses, killing him and his aides.
ACE: <Queen> This is why you should always vote for the candidate with
the strongest platform.
-
Make no mistake, honoured representatives, that this agression is
not only against our people but all people.
-
NACHO: It's a little late to tell them to make no mistake...
"aggression" is already misspelled.
ACE: <Queen> Misspellings will plague all the people of the Universe if
Blade and Epsilon aren't stopped now!
-
If you allow the
Gardening Union to use force to take away the freedom of the
people of Dojo, who will stand for your people when the time
comes?
(She pauses, an a low murmer of agreement passes through the
senate chamber.
-
NACHO: What is a "murmer" anyway?
ACE: It's like "the wave," but a more dignified version for government
people.
-
However, they are cut off as another platform
rrises up across the room from the Dojo one. The speaker is a
green-skinned, red-eyed being.)
-
NACHO: <Piccolo> Can't they fix this creaky platform? Did anyone else
hear the grinding noise when it rrose?
-
Senator: The Gardening Union protests this in the strongest
terms.
-
SHEILA: <Tendo> Then the Gardening Union must wash its mouth out with
soap. Strong language is prohibited in the council chamber.
-
Our actions on Dojo are completely legal. We demand a
Senate-appointed investigation committee be sent to disprove
these false claims.
-
ACE: <Senator> And that it be headed by Lawrence Walsh.
-
(Another platform rises up and a bizarre two-headed alien
speaks.)
Alien Senator: We, the people of Seneca, support this motion.
-
SHEILA: All this time you thought it was science and technology moving
the platforms... but it was really just the two-headed people of Seneca
all along.
-
Tendo: I insist we...
(He pauses as one of his aides speak to him. Rouge moves
forward, whispering in the Queen's ear.)
Rouge: Now watch as he falls back on his only defence.
-
NACHO: (winces painfully) Ooh! That wasn't his shield he fell back on;
it was his sword! That's gotta hurt!
-
Tendo: (nods reluctantly) Very well. The seat of the Chancellor
proposes we send the Jedi to solve this mystery.
-
NACHO: <Tendo> And the Chancellor, having less intelligence than the
chair he's sitting on, defers.
-
Queen: I refuse! (steps forward once more to a murmer of
excitement) Our people are suffering while you waffle over petty
interests!
-
ACE: <Queen> Although, admittedly, they are very good waffles.
-
We need a force that can halt the devestation on Dojo
NOW, not a gaggle of pacifists! I see our faith in this body was
unfounded.
-
JUNK: <Queen> The hips are completely disproportioned, and the breasts
are sagging years before their time.
-
As such, we call for a motion of non-confidence in
this Chancellor.
-
NACHO: <Tendo> I'm not sure that you can do that...
-
(She stalks away, stepping out of the balcony just as it
reconnects with the wall. A moment later the door to the Queen's
chambers slams open violently as the incensed monarch enters.
-
SHEILA: At least she smells nice.
ACE: Only if you burn her.
-
Kiima, who was resting on a chair within, looks up as Rouge walks
in after the Queen.)
Rouge: You did well, your majesty; I am certain the vote of
nonconfidence will go through.
-
NACHO: Well, that kills any hope of it passing right there. It's hard to
be certain about non-confidence.
-
Perhaps now we shall have a
Chancellor who can stand on their own strength.
-
SHEILA: <Rouge> Or failing that, on his feet.
-
Queen: It will still take too long, Senator. (turns to face her;
eyes blazing)
-
ACE: <Queen> I forgot to put in my drops, didn't I?
-
It is time we took matters into our own hands. It
is obvious that pacifism is a weakness in the Republic.
-
NACHO: <Queen> Just look at these blueprints! The pacifism completely
destroys the structural integrity!
-
Regardless, we must save our people, but it cannot be done
without action. Swift and decisive action.
Rouge: What are you proposing, your majesty?
-
SHEILA: <Queen> Oh, I don't know... action, perhaps?
ACE: <Queen> The swifter and more decisive, the better!
-
Queen: (turns to Kiima) Kiima-san, I could use your help.
Kiima: (starts)
-
NACHO: Even before she's been told what to do? That's service for you!
-
What? What makes you think I can help? (pauses)
Or would want to?
Queen: Allow me to outline my plan.
-
ACE: <Queen> Basically, you help us and we beat the bioroids.
NACHO: <Kiima> (nods) I can see no flaws in that plan.
-
(Later, an airbus lands on the launching pad which holds the
Queen's shuttle. Out of it walk the Queen, her retainers,
Shinnosuke, Rouge and Kiima.)
Shinnosuke: This is a foolish plan, your highness!
-
SHEILA: <Shinnosuke> Now... what was it again?
-
Queen: We have made up our mind.
Shinnosuke: But you are going without proper escort!
-
NACHO: <Shinnosuke> My card... my escort service will provide you with
an excellent partner.
-
At least
hire a new Captain of the Guard, to replace the blackguard who
abandoned you!
Queen: ...
Rouge: I must concur with him, your majesty.
-
ACE: <Rouge> You definitely need a new Captain of the Guard.
SHEILA: <Shinnosuke> Really? I thought for a second there that I really
was the Captain of the Guard and had just forgotten!
-
This is rash.
-
NACHO: <Queen> Some calamine lotion will clear it right up.
-
Queen: Enough. I shall return to Dojo and seize back the power
which is rightfully mine.
-
NACHO: <Queen> That damn utility company isn't getting another cent
until my lights come back on!
-
Rouge: And I cannot convince you otherwise?
Queen: No.
-
JUNK: <Queen> I'll only do it if we use whipped cream! I'm allergic to
maple syrup.
-
Voice: Your confidence is a virtue, if your foresight may be
lacking.
(They look back as Konatsu and his two charges step into view
from behind the shuttle.)
-
ACE: They happen to be like charges, which repel each other right off of
the platform.
SHEILA: Once again, Konatsu's true gender shines through.
-
Konatsu: Though it is not my place to question your judgement or
advise you on your actions, I have been assigned the task of
protecting you again it seems.
Queen: How did you know what I was doing?
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> I've been reading the script during my breaks.
-
Konatsu: Very little escapes the notice of the Jedi, your
majesty.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> By the way, you have a piece of celery stuck in your
teeth.
-
Queen: (eyes narrow) And why should I let you come at all?
Tofu: There is still the Dark Jedi to consider, your highness.
He seems to show an interest in your party for some reason.
-
JUNK: <Tofu> I suspect the stripper you hired, but it could be the
all-you-can-eat cake buffet.
ACE: <Tofu> Which contains the stripper.
-
Wouldn't you rather we stood between him and you?
Queen: ... (looks hard at Tofu)
-
ACE: <Queen> I'd rather keep something opaque between you and me.
-
Very well. let us depart.
(The group begins to walk aboard. Kiiima pauses, cocking her
head to one side.
-
NACHO: <Kiima> (grabs Kiiima's head and snaps it quickly to the other
side, breaking Kiiima's neck) These imposters are everywhere! We must be
vigilant!
-
She then walks to and looks over the edge of
the platform...to see Ok-chan still desperately hanging on.)
Kiima: Would you like some help?
Ok-chan: That would be nice...
-
ACE: <Kiima> You're right. How uncharacteristic of me.
-
(She picks him up and helps him into the ship. Meanwhile, in a
control room that has been set up in the royal palace on Dojo,
Pink and Link are talking amongst themselves. Suddenly, they
start as Darth Kumon stalks into the room.)
-
NACHO: They're talking before he gets there, and then they start talking
afterwards?
ACE: Darth Kumon has the power to confuse people like that.
-
Kumon: Greetings.
-
SHEILA: How congenial of him. And you thought just because he's evil he
had to have bad manners.
NACHO: It just goes to show that you can't judge a bad guy by his
stereotype.
-
Link: Greetings, Darth Kumon-san, over.
Pink: What she said, over.
-
NACHO: <Kumon> No need to say it over. I heard it the first time.
-
Kumon: The Queen is on her way back to Dojo.
Pink: (piku)
-
ACE: That's what you get when Pikachu eats the Pinkus berries, right? A
pink piku?
-
She is, over?
Link: How did you learn that, over?
Kumon: A little bird told me. (smirks) She comes alone.
-
JUNK: <Kumon> I need to learn how to do that. I can't manage without at
least a magazine.
-
Link: This is great news, over!
Pink: Yes, we'll be able to easily capture her with our fleet
before she even makes planetfall, over!
-
NACHO: I made Planetfall over once... but I needed the hintbook to do
it.
SHEILA: Only true Infocom fans will get THAT one...
-
Kumon: You'll do nothing of the sort.
Pink&Link: Excuse me, over?
Kumon: You'll do exactly what I tell you to, and the first thing
you'll do is send away all but one of your Plant Control Ships.
-
ACE: <Kumon> The next thing you'll do is send away your last Plant
Control ship!
SHEILA: <Pink> Why should we do it in two steps, over?
ACE: <Kumon> Because that gives me twice as much time to decide what my
next order will be! I'm a bad guy... I have to look organized!
-
Pink: But that's sheer lunacy, over!
Link: It leaves us uneccessarily vulnerable, over.
-
JUNK: More of a problem for Kumon, really... Wearing a cup helps.
-
Pink: Give us one good reason why we should do that, over.
Kumon: Because if you do not... (casually swipes back with one
fist, smashing down a nearby wall) I will be unhappy.
-
ACE: <Pink> That's a good enough reason for me, over.
NACHO: <Link> Now one for me, over!
-
Pink: (gulp; forced smile) Anything you say, Kumon-san! Over!
(In the skies of the verdant planet of Dojo, the sun glints on a
chromed craft as it sets down in the forest near a solitary
mountain.
-
SHEILA: The resulting forest fire wiped out what little population
remained on Dojo.
ACE: Thus the sun decided to remain in the sky from that day forward.
-
Shortly thereafter, we see the people of the Phoenix
within said mountain, flying about in their artificial cavern.
-
SHEILA: Blissfully unaware of the death that is rapidly approaching
them.
NACHO: Where the virtual camera goes, death follows swiftly.
JUNK: Death bites! Where's the camera that sex follows swiftly?
-
Near the bottom of the mountain, five figures walk in. Kiima
leads, with the Queen, Nodoka, Shinnosuke and Konatsu following
her.)
-
SHEILA: <Queen> What's going on here? I'm the Queen of this planet! I
should be in the lead!
ACE: <Nodoka> Ugh. Droppings everywhere... it will take AGES to clean
this place up!
NACHO: <Shinnosuke> What are we doing here again? Shouldn't the Captain
of the Guard be along to protect us?
JUNK: <Konatsu> (pushes Shinnosuke aside) Three beautiful women all to
myself! What bliss!
-
Kiima: And I still don't know what you hope to accomplish with
this.
Queen: I merely wish to speak with him.
-
NACHO: <HIM> Ooooooooooooooooh, how wonderful! People come to visit
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'll enslave them and force them to fight the
Powerpuff Girls!
SHEILA: Somehow, I don't think that's the "him" they're talking about.
ACE: <Blade/Epsilon> No! I will not give you a bigger part in the story,
no matter how much you beg!
NACHO: <Queen> How about a smaller part?
-
Kiima: Then let's hope he'll listen and not just have us all
beheaded.
-
ACE: <Kiima> Or, failing that, one out of two.
NACHO: <Saffron, presumably> All right, I've listened. OFF WITH THEIR
HEADS!
-
(Two familiar Phoenix guards flap down and land in front of the
group.)
Koruma: Kiima!? What are you doing back here?
Masara: Aren't you...
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> (blushes) Yes, it's true. I'm pregnant with Konatsu's
baby.
-
Kiima: I've brought the leader of the human kingdom to seek an
audience with Lord Saffron.
Koruma: (eyes the humans suspiciously) Which one is it? The guy
with the broom?
-
ACE: <Shinnosuke> It's for sweeping my subjects off of their feet!
-
Shinnosuke: No, i'm just a poor substitute for that no-good
Captain of the Guard!
-
NACHO: Poor as in "poor Shinnosuke," or poor as in not very good?
SHEILA: Poor everyone else for having to put up with him.
-
Queen: I am the Queen of Dojo.
-
ACE: <Koruma> Right. And I'm the king of Siam!
SHEILA: <Queen> No, you're not! I've met him. Charming bald fellow with
interesting ideas about Moses...
-
Masara: (rubs head) Why are all the royalty on this planet kids?
Konatsu: I would suspect something in the water.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> (takes a sip) Nope, it's not anything in the - (turns
into a kid)
-
(Up in the audience chamber, the Phoenix King Saffron accepts his
guests into his presence.)
Saffron: Now, girl, what did you wish to ask me?
-
NACHO: <Queen> What is the Answer...
ACE: <Nodoka> ... to the Ultimate Question...
SHEILA: <Kiima> ... of Life,...
NACHO: <Konatsu> ... the Universe,...
ACE: <Shinnosuke> ... ... ...
NACHO: <Saffron> And Everything? I can do it, but it will take a long
time.
SHEILA: <Queen> How long, Saffron?
ACE: <Saffron> The rest of this fic. Prepare for an interminable period
of suspense!
-
Queen: Our people are both residents of this world...
Nodoka: Wait. (steps in front of the Queen) For such an
important meeting, honesty is paramount. -I- am the true Queen
of Dojo; this is merely my brave body double.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> And I am really a man!
SHEILA: <Nodoka> We already knew that. Why do you think I haven't been
disturbed by your advances?
JUNK: Man, I was so hopeful for some yuri action!
-
Shinnsouke: Ye gods! (smacks palm) -I- am the Captain of the
Guard!
-
NACHO: <Shinnosuke> (points accusing finger at Shinnsouke) Where have
you been all this time? I've been filling in for you since the fic
started! Everyone thinks I'm an idiot because of you!
ACE: <Shinnsouke> Um... heavy traffic.
-
(Kiima falls over. Saffron eyes the humans as one might eye a
collection of frothing lunatics...probably because he can see
little difference by this point.)
-
SHEILA: I've never seen any difference.
-
Nodoka: (sweatdrops; deep breath) Lord Saffron, as I said,
honesty is most important, so I shall be honest with you.
-
SHEILA: <Mojo Jojo> It is important that we shall be honest, because
honesty is such an important thing when one is being honest.
NACHO: Another Powerpuff reference?
ACE: Why not? I've counted hundreds of Ranma references in this fic!
NACHO: It's a Ranma fanfic!
ACE: Well, that is certainly a consideration.
SHEILA: <Mojo Jojo> I must consider this consideration with much
consideration...
-
I know
our two races aren't exactly friends, but if we are to throw off
the yoke of our oppressors, we must ally ourselves.
Saffron: (pauses; smiles evilly) So, in short...you NEED me.
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> (backs away) Not in THAT way, Lord Saffron!
-
Nodoka: Er...well, yes.
(Time passes and places change.
-
NACHO: Elsewhere, time stands still and places stay the same. But we're
in the Twilight Zone here.
-
In a copse of trees at the edge
of a large forest, our heros are gathered. They have been
jointed by Koruma and Masara, who stay near Kiima and avoid the
humans.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Phew! That's a relief! I couldn't bend my arm before,
but now that Koruma and Masara have jointed me, I have elbows!
-
Shinnosuke is nowhere in sight. Queen Nodoka is sitting
against a nearby tree, crying to herself. Genma walks up to
her.)
Genma: So...uh...you're the real Queen, huh?
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> Who told you that?! You weren't there when we talked to
Saffron!
NACHO: <Genma> Um... I... well, you remember that invisibility trick I
did at the beginning?
-
Nodoka: (sniffle) Yes...
Genma: (sits, nods) That explains why you're so pushy.
-
ACE: <Genma> But it doesn't give you an excuse for being so fat!
-
Nodoka: (flat look) Go away.
Genma: Why are you crying?
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> It's Konatsu's jalapeno and onion casserole!
NACHO: And you thought Akane's cooking was inedible...
-
Nodoka: You wouldn't understand.
Genma: Why not?
-
ALL: Umm...
-
Nodoka: Fine. My people are suffering, and no matter what
happens, they will continue to.
-
ACE: <Genma> You're right. When people suffer, I can't understand
anything.
-
Genma: Didn't you get those Phoenix guys to help you? If you can
kick out those Union jerks with their help...
Nodoka: Yes, but even if we win, I had to promise to give them
control over all the planet's harvests to get that help.
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> (sighs heavily) No more mung beans for the hungry people
of Dojo...
-
Genma: So?
Nodoka: (hits Genma on the head) I told you you wouldn't
understand. I gave them our -food-!
Genma: Oh...that sucks. But why are -you- so sad?
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> It's these spears... they really hurt!
-
Nodoka: Because they're my people. I feel what they feel.
Genma: Wow. That must be pretty confusing. After all, all of
them are feeling something different, right?
-
ACE: <Nodoka> No... judging from what I'm feeling right now, they're all
very annoyed with you.
-
Nodoka: ... (stares at Genma) ... (smiles slightly) I think I
needed that.
Genma: (blink) Needed what?
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> Several seconds to get the joke, apparently.
-
Nodoka: Never mind.
Tofu: (calls over) Your highness, he's back.
Nodoka: Right, I'm coming.
-
JUNK: <Shinnosuke> Without me? How could you?
NACHO: <Konatsu> You snooze, you lose.
ACE: <Shinnosuke> That does it! Having relations with the Queen is
against the law of... um... Where's the Captain of the Guard?
-
(Nodoka walks over as Shinnosuke approaches from a parked
speeder. Kiima and her two shadows also walk over.)
-
ACE: <Director> Only two? There are supposed to be THREE spotlights on
Kiima!
-
Nodoka: Shinnosuke-san, did you contact the resistance leaders?
Shinnosuke: Yes. They're ready to move at the right time.
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> Did you remember the right time to tell them?
NACHO: <Shinnosuke> Of course I did! I told them to move when the
Bioroids have taken over the planet! (looks at everyone glaring at him)
Is that too soon?
-
Nodoka: Good. (nods) Are your people ready as well, Kiima-san?
Kiima: Yes.
Nodoka: Excellent. Here is our plan. (she points at a
convienent holographic map)
-
ACE: <Nodoka> We'll give them all these beautiful holographic maps as
presents to go away.
NACHO: <Konatsu> (snorts) That will never work! They'll just take the
maps and attack anyway!
ACE: <Nodoka> That's the brilliant part of the plan! These are maps of
the Gardening Union's home planet! When they try to use them to plan
their attack... they'll end up destroying their own planet!
-
The Phoenix army will create a
disturbance here, to draw the bioroid armies out of the capital.
-
SHEILA: <Phoenix> FREE FERTILIZER!
-
With them gone, our forces will move up the passages on the
waterfall side.
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> If the passages are blocked, we'll just swim up the
waterfall.
-
We'll launch the fighters and take out the Plant
Control Ship, which will mean the Union will lose control of its
army.
-
ACE: That's what they get for hiring cranky kids.
NACHO: Without the control ship, they can't give the bioroids a
time-out.
-
I and a small group will then head up into the palace and
capture the leaders of the Union.
Konatsu: I still say we should just try reasoning with them.
This is probably just a misunderstanding.
-
ACE: <Nodoka> Yes, you have certainly misunderstood the situation...
THIS IS WAR! WE TAKE NO PRISONERS!
NACHO: <Konatsu> But you just said...
ACE: <Nodoka> Except for the leaders of the Union.
-
Kiima: (facepalm) There's a slight problem here...
-
NACHO: <Kiima> I can't see anything while my hand is in front of my
face.
-
Nodoka: Yes?
Kiima: The plan rests on the abilities of your pilots to take out
that Plant Control Ship. But it's very big, and your ships are
very small.
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> Exactly the point. Big ships always have a weakness that
can be easily attacked by a small ship, which will destroy the entire
big ship in one hit.
ACE: All civil engineers working on starships must take the one credit
Flaws In Design course.
-
Nodoka: I'm afraid that's true, but do you have a better plan?
Koruma: (indignant) General Kiima is sure to have a better plan,
human! (Kiima starts, and then glares at him)
-
ACE: <Masara> Brilliant! General Kiima will give them the Glare of Doom!
-
Konatsu: General Kiima? (stares at her, wide-eyed) But I
thought you were still under the King's displeasure...
Kiima: (blushes) W-well...that is... (looks at everyone else)
What? So I decieved you all!
-
NACHO: <Kiima> Just be glad I didn't deceive you!
ACE: (pulls out Dictionary of Humorous Uses for Misspelled Words)
Decieve: verb, transitive. To annoy with one's presence for interminable
periods by acting like a snob.
SHEILA: I think it would have been better if she'd just lied right from
the start.
-
It was all a complex plan to sneak
into your confidence so I could spy on you! Is there something
wrong with that!?
Tofu: Well, I see one problem with that.
-
SHEILA: <Tofu> You never snuck into our confidence.
JUNK: <Konatsu> Our beds were a different matter altogether.
-
Konatsu: I'm afraid it wasn't necessary, Kiima-san. We would
have trusted you no matter what your status among your people
was.
-
NACHO: <Kiima> Actually, I was voted "Least Trustable" three years
running!
ACE: That's not saying much, for a Phoenix.
-
Kiima: (growls, blushing furiously) I -know-! That's the most
embarrassing part!
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Not for long... you forgot to zip your fly.
-
Nodoka: Are there any other objections to this plan?
Shinnosuke: Yes. Why are we talking orders from you and not the
Queen?
-
ACE: <Nodoka> Because the Captain of the Guard put me in charge.
SHEILA: <Shinnosuke> Ohhhhhh... hey, wait a minute!
-
Koruma: Uh...wasn't he in the room when she revealed the truth,
Kiima-sama?
Kiima: (still grumbling) Like -that- matters.
Nodoka: Alright then.
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> What's the number for the po-lice? I reckon I'm gonna
kill you now. Mmhm.
SHEILA: Could you possibly come up with a more obscure reference?
NACHO: <Carl> Some folks calls it a sling blade... I calls it a kaiser
blade.
-
Let's get this over with.
(Sometime later, near the edge of the forest, a patrol of
bioroids is...well, patrolling.
-
SHEILA: I'm glad to hear that they're well.
ACE: <Bioroid patrol> This well's running properly! On to the next one!
-
Within the forest, a large
Phoenix detachment lies in wait. Kiima is at the end, fiddling
with a large silver clasp that is attached to her wings.)
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> Gah! Of all days to forget the combination!
-
Kiima: (-still- grumbling) Why do I have to wear these things?
They pinch something awful!
Koruma: Well, as our general you must don the Thousand Wings of
the White Sea Bird as a symbol of our people...
-
NACHO: <Koruma> (pauses) Wait! You're only wearing Three Hundred
Seventy-Four Wings of the White Sea Bird!
ACE: <Kiima> With the Bioroid Invasion force eating our crops, we're on
a tight budget!
-
Kiima: It was a rhetorical question, Koruma.
Masara: Yeah, moron.
Koruma: (glares at Masara) So what does rhetorical mean, then?
-
NACHO: I think that question is a prime example, actually...
-
Masara: I...that is...
Kiima: Will you two SHUT UP!?
(They do so.
-
SHEILA: Well, that's a surprise! A pleasant one, at that.
-
Kiima nods and points to the patrol, then gives a
signal.
-
NACHO: <Masara> Okay, she says she's turning left...
-
The bioroids skid to a surprised half as an army of
Phoenix soldiers at least five legions strong fly out of the
forest and surround them.
-
NACHO: <Half-bioroid> Wow! What a surprise! You all skidded to me!
-
Kiima lands several meters away from
the head of the bioroid patrol.)
Kiima: You have entered our territory.
-
ACE: <Kiima> Population five hundred twenty one. Chief import: mung
beans.
-
You have five minutes to
leave, or suffer the consequences.
Bioroid#234: Uh...and your territory would be...?
-
JUNK: <Kiima> Just sniff around the bases of the trees. You can't miss
it.
-
Kiima: (smiles) This planet.
Bioroid#234: (observes the Phoenix soldiers, most of whom are
carrying spears and bows) You don't scare me, savage..
-
SHEILA: He's lying. He's so scared, he can't finish his ellipsis.
-
Kiima: Then perhaps this will.
(She leaps into the air, snapping her wings forward as she does.
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> Ouch!
NACHO: <Koruma> You're not supposed to use that technique while wearing
the Thousand Wings of the White Sea Bird!
SHEILA: <Kiima> (nursing damaged wing) Now you tell me...
-
The wind around her twists and snaps, and with a resounding crack
a half-dozen arcs of compressed air tear through the squad like a
scythe.
-
NACHO: A six-bladed scythe? Now THAT'S a weapon I'd like to see!
-
As she lands, the lead bioroid watches, nonplussed, as
the rest of the patrol fall in pieces to the ground.)
Kiima: Inform your master that you now have four minutes to
leave.
-
ACE: <Bioroid#234> I would... but you just sliced him to pieces. He was
in the back rank.
-
(The remaining bioroid hastily runs off, the winged troops
letting it pass. Kiima watches it leave with a pleased smirk,
but as soon as it is out of sight grimaces and begins to rub her
wings.)
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> (through clenched teeth) Damn Thousand Wings...
-
Masara: Now what?
Kiima: Now we wait.
(Meanwhile...)
-
ACE: <Masara> Hey! Why don't we just put a (Sometime later...) here and
skip the waiting?
NACHO: <Kiima> B&E? How about it?
ACE: <B&E> (shrug) Why not?
*
(Sometime later...)
Kiima: Hey, what happened? Why are we surrounded by vegetation?
Koruma: It looks like we're too much later! The Bioroids took over
because we weren't there to stop them!
Kiima: What have you done to us?
Blade: Well, that should teach you not to complain!
Epsilon: Exactly! We're going to tell the story our own way, whether you
like it or not!
Masara: Fine. We'll leave that to the MSTers... now can we go back
again?
(Sometime earlier...)
*
NACHO: Wow. Letting Blade and Epsilon in this is scary. Let's not do it
again.
ACE: Or at least add a disclaimer.
-
Link: An army? Of bird people, over?
Pink: (laughs megalomaniacally) How ridiculous. Wipe them out!
All of them, over!
-
JUNK: <Link> Well, that's our scene over, over.
JUNK: <Pink> Let's get back to it, over.
JUNK: <Link> (removes clothes)
JUNK: <Pink> (removes clothes)
NACHO: Junk, what the HELL are you doing?
JUNK: Hey, it's not fair that they don't get as much exposure as
everyone else! Pink and Link are underappreciated, underused, and
overdressed!
-
(On the fringes of the forest, the army of winged warriors waits.
-
SHEILA: Sometime later...
ACE: Now, let's not start that again!
-
Not for long however, as soon the army of the Gardening Union
rise over the hillside. They move into view with slow,
inexorable might, mammoth vehicles with thin, inhuman troops
marching between them like the fleshless dead.
-
NACHO: Attempts to parse this sentence have all met with failure...
ACE: Not really. Their assets are a large quantity of slow, quite a bit
of inexorable might, some mammoth vehicles adequately equipped with
plenty of thin, and the requisite inhuman troops.
SHEILA: No, I think the vehicles are slow, inexorable might, and
mammoth, all at the same time.
NACHO: They just need a semicolon is all. No big deal.
ACE: Then why didn't they put it in there?
NACHO: (shrugs) Low printer ink budget?
-
The people of the
Phoenix rise to await them, circling like vultures overhead.)
-
SHEILA: Awaiting the death of the Bioroids so that they could scavenge
on the vegetative remains.
-
Bioroid#318: (sitting in tank) All units, open fire.
-
NACHO: (gunfire sounds) <Bioroid#318> (dying groan) You... weren't...
supposed... to... turn... to... look... at... me... when... I... said...
that...
-
(As the cannons raise and the riflemen aim, the Phoenix draw
their weapons.)
-
ACE: And how much damage do they expect spears and bows to do to tanks?
-
Kiima: (raises her sword)
-
ACE: Ah, a sword. Not much better, I'm afraid.
-
In the name of the God-King!
-
NACHO: But the power of the name of the God-King shall slay all foes.
ACE: Say that when you're standing knee-deep in dead Phoenix people.
-
(And so it begins.
-
SHEILA: A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
ACE: Not THAT beginning.
-
In the capital, more specifically the hangar
of the palace, the rest of the resistance is moving about freely.
Pieces of bioroid soldiers lay scattered about the room.)
-
NACHO: <Kumon> (fuming) Whose bright idea was it to hang up bioroid
heads to scare off the intruders?!
SHEILA: <Link> It was an honest mistake, over.
ACE: <Pink> We were expecting the Phoenix people, over.
NACHO: <Kumon> (facepalm) Scarecrows only scare CROWS, not just any
birds, you morons!
-
Nodoka: Everyone to your ships!
Shinnosuke: If only my grandfather were still alive to help us in
our hour of need, victory would be assured. Yet we must strive
on in his noble memory!
-
NACHO: Or in Shinnosuke's case, lack thereof.
-
Granfather: (nearby) Oh Shinnosuke, you've forgotten me again!
(sobs)
Konatsu: Maybe you can remind him later. After destroying the
flagship, perhaps?
-
ACE: <Grandfather> Of course! Shin-boy, remind me to remind you that I
exist after we destroy the flagship.
-
Grandfather: Good idea. (runs over and leaps into the cockpit of
a fighter)
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Ooh... (winces)
ACE: <Konatsu> Next time, you might want to open it first.
-
Tofu: (to Ok-chan) What are you doing here again?
Ok-chan: (shudders) Every time you people leave me behind,
something bad happens to me! This time I'm staying with you all
the way!
-
ACE: <Tofu> That's not going to help you, Ok-chan. You're the comic
relief. Bad things will happen to you no matter what you do.
NACHO: <Ok-chan> But at least this way, I'll be near a Jedi who can heal
me when those bad things happen!
-
(Tofu nods, stepping aside as a fighter flies past, exiting the
hangar and rapidly climbing into the sky overhead. He blinks as
another sharp hiss becomes clear as the sound of the engines
receded.
-
SHEILA: <Tofu> Oops... looks like the wing of that fighter severed your
fuel line, Ok-chan!
ACE: <Ok-chan> (stares indignantly at Tofu) (continues to stare) (eyes
go blank as power runs out)
NACHO: <Tofu> That's just spooky. But I tried to warn you...
-
He and Konatsu turn at the same time as the large doors
on the side of the room open.
-
SHEILA: Nice synchronization.
-
In the doorway, framed by the blue
light of massive energy pillars, stands the Dark Lord of the
Sith, Darth Kumon.)
Konatsu: ... (turns)
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Tofu...
ACE: <Tofu> Sorry. (turns)
NACHO: <Konatsu> Try to keep up next time.
-
Genma. Find a safe place to hide.
Tofu-Wan, if you will?
-
NACHO: <Tofu> Right away! (goes to find place to hide)
-
Tofu: Yes, sensei.
(He and Konatsu walk forward; their lightsabers, hissing to life,
cast small shadows on their bodies.
-
NACHO: I'm still confused by this. Light sources cast shadows?
ACE: Haven't you ever heard of a black light?
-
Kumon's lip curls in open
contempt as he strides forward, shrugging his cloak off. He
stands before the Jedi in a muscle shirt and dark pants,
lightsaber in hand.
-
JUNK: Ugh. This is for the fangirls, obviously.
-
Instead of activating it, however, he smirks
and tosses it casually at the Jedi, sending it skittering between
them. Then he places his hands on his hips, calmly awaiting
them.
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> Well? Aren't you going to throw me your lightsabers?
NACHO: <Konatsu> (shrugs) Why not? (He and Tofu toss their lightsabers
at Kumon.)
ACE: <Kumon> (picks up lightsabers) Ha! Now I have two lightsabers and
you two only have one!
-
Konatsu and Tofu exchange glances, then begin slowly to
move forward.)
Nodoka: What is he doing? (leaning over, she picks up Kumon's
lightsaber, which had skidded to a halt near her)
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> "Made in the U.S.A." ... Now I understand why he threw
it away!
-
Doesn't he
need this to fight them?
Shinnosuke: Maybe he's going to surrender?
(Suddenly, the doors to the palace proper open and in roll four
of the Defoliator heavy combat bioroids.
-
ACE: <Shinnosuke> Look! He even sent his ambassadors to negotiate a
treaty! Now, where's that lazy Captain of the Guard?
-
They unfold and
activate their shields, begining to fire at the intruders. Genma
yelps and leaps into the relative safety of a nearby fighter
cockpit.
-
NACHO: "Relative" because his foot grazes the Self-Destruct button as he
gets in.
-
Shinnosuke grabs Nodoka and pulls her behind a pillar.
-
JUNK: <Nodoka> Ohh... Shinnosuke... I normally wouldn't when there are
so many people getting killed around us, but...
ACE: <Shinnosuke> Oh, good. What were we doing again?
-
Ok-chan stumbles back in terror...right out of the hangar doors
to the thousand-foot drop outside. Unusually, the bioroids
ignore the three Jedi.)
-
NACHO: And everyone ignores Ok-chan, not unusually.
ACE: Maybe the bioroids were so worried about Ok-chan that they ignored
the Jedi?
-
Konatsu: Sir, could we perhaps talk about this problem you seem
to have with your rage?
-
ACE: <Kumon> (outraged) NO!
-
Kumon: Shut up and fight.
Tofu: But...
Kumon: Oh forget it. Die.
-
SHEILA: <Tofu> Do we still have to shut up?
NACHO: <Everyone> PLEASE!
-
(The dark warrior charges, his fist flashing forward with
unnerving speed.
-
NACHO: "Unnerving," and probably "disemboweling" as well.
JUNK: <Tofu> Um, yeah... anyone got a clean Jedi robe I can change into?
-
Konatsu and Tofu leap up, somersaulting over
him. He spins and faces them again as they land and back up a
step, waving their lightsabers in defensive arcs.)
Tofu: I don't want to hurt you.
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> Don't worry. Waving your lightsaber like that, you
won't.
NACHO: <Guybrush Threepwood> First you'd better stop waving it like a
feather duster.
-
Kumon: The feeling isn't mutual...DON'T MOVE!
-
ACE: After that spell failed the last time, why not try it again?
-
(Tofu's eyes widen as Kumon dashes forward, snapping his arms to
the side while kicking. Tofu is caught flat-footed,
-
NACHO: <Tofu> Yes. All this time, I've actually been a private dick.
JUNK: <Konatsu> I didn't find it to be that private...
-
his blade
lowering as he tries to escape. Then Konatsu shoulder-checks him
aside, slamming her shin into Darth Kumon's neck.
-
SHEILA: The referee calls the foul and gives Konatsu two minutes in the
penalty box.
-
The Dark Lord
skids to a stop, glaring at his attacker, who is now holding a
lightsaber between him and her protege.)
Konatsu: Tofu-Wan, even you must fight when all other options
have been exhausted.
-
NACHO: <Tofu> (pants) The options aren't all that's exhausted... I'm
pooped!
JUNK: <Tofu> Someone get me that change of clothes!
-
Kumon: (cracks knuckles) That is why you are weak.
-
SHEILA: <Tofu> Really? (cracks knuckles) Owww... maybe you're right.
-
Konatsu: Perhaps. (she slashes at Kumon, but he slips aside and
catches her wrist) How...?
Kumon: Freak. (pulls back palm) Get out of my sight!
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Easily done. (pokes Kumon's eyes out)
ACE: <Kumon> Oh, a wise guy! (slaps Konatsu's face)
SHEILA: <Tofu> Hey, what about me? (pulls Kumon's hair)
-
(The hand snaps forward, plowing into Konatsu's gut like a
jackhammer. The Jedi Samurai's lungs empty of air in a massive
heave as she flies up,
-
NACHO: Cool! Jet propulsion!
-
still held by the dark warrior. As
gravity takes back control of her body's movement, she
plummets...
-
ACE: Then gravity loses control and he goes back up again like a human
yo-yo.
-
and again Kumon drives his hand into her abdomen.
This time he releases her hand, and the blow sends her sailing
through the air and into the next room, a titanic chamber filled
with giant pillars of glowing blue light that are linked by
multiple levels of walkways.
-
SHEILA: Sounds like a Mega Man level to me.
-
She flies along one of the
walkways, finally slamming into the floor and nearly skidding
into one of the pillars before her hand shoots out to halt her
flight.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> Lucky I had the prosthetic grappling hand attachment
installed while we were at Kinnosuke's.
JUNK: <Konatsu> But the price... my sensitive parts are still killing
me!
-
Tofu backs into the chamber, swinging his lightsaber
back and forth uneasily. Kumon stalks after him, eyes reflecting
the light of the blade.)
-
ACE: Oddly, the reflections are mere shadows.
-
Kumon: Aren't you going to attack me, boy?
Tofu: I don't kill.
-
NACHO: Well, at least he can lop an ear off!
-
Kumon: Pathetic. I have no such qualms!
(Back in the hangar, the Jedi battle is rapidly becoming a
distant sight.
-
SHEILA: Not that that has anything to do with the fact that it's moving
away from the hangar, certainly.
-
The small group of freedom fighters are pinned
down by the four attack drones. In his cockpit, Genma is doing
his best to crouch down out of sight of everyone.)
-
ACE: Unfortunately, his gut still sticks out.
-
Genma: Why did I have to come along? Back on Tokyo, at least
people weren't shooting at me...often.
-
NACHO: <Genma> Only when I opened my mouth.
ACE: <Genma> Come to think of it... that was pretty often.
-
(rises up to sneek a peek
at the battle) And even then it was just people...
-
SHEILA: <Genma> The animals would have, but the Wildlife Disarming act
of 1899 took care of that possibility.
-
(puts hand on
a panel) and... (notes the ship humming and lights coming on)
...oh boy...
-
ACE: While normally he BREAKS everything he touches...
SHEILA: <Genma> I sure hope they don't make me pay for this...
NACHO: Well, it looks like things are starting to get exciting... Shall
we call it a night?
ACE: Sounds good to me. I'm sure there's something good on TV that we're
missing.
-
<END FANFIC>
NACHO: Well, that part certainly introduced a large number of minor
characters who didn't do anything important and will probably never be
seen again. Colonge, Cologe, Kiiima, and Shinnsouke will be sorely
missed.
SHEILA: They were certainly missed by the proofreaders.
ACE: And the long-awaited meeting on Coruscant didn't explain anything!
SHEILA: What did you expect? It was a Senate meeting. Those are never
productive.
NACHO: Just sit tight, guys. If what we've seen in the last few minutes
is any indication, the final part should have plenty more action.
ACE: Yeah. Genma, the unlikely erstwhile fighter pilot, wipes out the
Gardening Union's base while Kiima accidentally destroys all the
bioroids outside... I can't wait.
SHEILA: Well, who says it's going to be EXACTLY like the movie? There
may be some surprises!
JUNK: Shampoo might show up! SHAMPOO BABY!
NACHO: The evil dwarf may actually turn out to be Happosai.
ACE: The last part may make this entire fic worth reading. Now THAT
would be a surprise!
SHEILA: Or we could just sit here being cynical until Nidoking gets
around to finishing part 5.
NACHO: What else did you expect from the crew of OAV 42? "Serious" isn't
in our vocabulary.
SHEILA: Really?
NACHO: Of course. I'm quite serious.
SHEILA: (sighs heavily)
NACHO: Goodnight, folks.
ACE: If it's not nighttime right now, read this fic again when it gets
dark. It probably won't hurt nearly as much the second time around.
NACHO: We'll see you next time.
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING
RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE is by BLADE and EPSILON
-
Masara: (rubs head) Why are all the royalty on this planet kids?
Konatsu: I would suspect something in the water.
------------------------------------------------------------
BURNS: What is this? Some kind of force field around these vegetables!
HOMER: That's the sneeze guard. You have to lean under it to get food or
sneeze on stuff.
JOHNNY BRAVO: *sigh* The only woman I ever really loved... and she's
gone. I wonder if I'll ever get over - Hey! Nuggets!
JACKIE CHAN: Oh, sorry. I broke your spy camera! (pause) SPY CAMERA?!
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp