Comments @@
I've got to say (again)
I REALLY appreciate this.
-- Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net> wrote:
Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
******************************************************
Shan Pu was not a happy Amazon. Something was
Urk. I've seen "So-and-so was not a happy
such-and-such" used as an
opening too many times. :/
@@Really? I kind of like it myself.
It IS awfully cliched. (I kinda of like
"It was a dark and stormy night" as well.)
I honestly didn't notice it. I think I can probably
come
up with something different.
different at the Tendou household and that made her
uneasy. In
her experience, change was a bad thing. Change
meant illness,
famine . . . government officials. Like that last
bunch from
Bejing - -trying to move sixty thousand farmers
onto the border
Beijing
I find myself wondering what this digression has to
do with anything. Does it
really need to be there? Okay, it does introduce the
strategy of letting one's
opponents trap themselves, but I think you could
manage this without such a
lengthy exposition.
@@<sob> You should have seen it before I FIXED it.
Don't know quite how I got stuck on this, but I
couldn't
get away from it. And I TRIED!!! (I think it was the
fact
I was watching back-to-back specials on the Yellow
River Project
AND minority oppression in Tibet, Qinghai and other
parts of China)
I probably went through about 12 drafts before I got
to this one.
You are absolutely correct. It's awfully clunky, and
just the sort
of think I complain about. Oh, well . . .I can use it
as an example
of what NOT to do in my SLR_AE essay. (Now I've just
got
to figure out how to fix it.)
_Farmers_! The only thing they would
accomplish
would be to destroy the pasturage before they
starved to death
themselves. Pattering noiselessly across the roofs
she leapt
roofs, she
across to the Tendou's house.
Tendous' (there are more than one Tendou)
@@ :( I never can remember how that one goes.
<SNIP>
the room. That had decided her to make this
attempt. She didn't
Decided her? I don't think that's the right way to
word it. Perhaps
"convinced her?"
@@Really? I could swear I've seen it used
that way before. (Of course I read low
vulgar literature, like Micky Spilane,
so that may explain it. ^_^)
have the patience to wait half a century for
results. A secretive
smile crossed her face. She _did_ like the concept
of turning
your enemy's strength against them.
suggest: of turning her enemy's
@@Yes, MUCH better. Thanks.
Cautiously, quiet as a cat's shadow, she moved
to the
bed, gently searching for the occupant by touch.
Where _was_ the dratted girl? She started
feeling along
the floor. Maybe she fell out of bed?
Maybe she had fallen out of bed? (tense)
@@Ummm, yes, but Shan Pu is
thinking this NOW (or at least that's
how I heard it in my head)
OH, how about
She felt along the floor--Maybe she fell out of the
bed?
She didn't want the pervert-girl dead, that
would be
wasteful as well as unwise. It would make Ranma
depressed
and sulky. Worse, if he decided the Amazon's were
Amazons (don't use apostrohpes for plurals; only for
possessives or
contractions with "is")
@@<eeeeeee----BOOOOOM!>
My head exploding from grammar /punctuation overload.
(You, my wife, about a zillion other readers) <sob>
She reads the MLA handbook for fun. ^_^
<SNIP>
"How . . ." Shan Pu closed her mouth with a
snap.
There were some things women were not meant to
know.
RANMA: Yeah. Like how to use a urinal.
@@<eeewwww> ROTFLOL
<SNIP>
"My baby has been murdered in her sleep!"
KASUMI: Oh, silly Father. You can't have babies.
You're a male.
@@<VBG>
******************************************************
Ranma was not having a good day.
Urk again. :/
@@ <sob> I can't do nuthin' right. <kicks ground with
shoe> I'm gonna go home and eat wurms.
@@Again, didn't even notice this. I'll see what I can
do.
(Actually this and the other . . .offense . . .should
be fairly
easy to fix. I just didn't notice them. )
that weapon at least.
An' if ya _did_ find her, she'd chew ya up
and spit ya
out, he thought, but didn't say.
Hasn't he thought of looking at Akane's home? Wotta
maroon.
@@Yeabut, he'd have to get past Kasumi.
There are some things even a ninja won't try.
(Besides, Akane may have been out when he tried.
got to admit that's the way I saw it. He'd tried the
home/doujou/school . . .no luck. So he's trying
Ranma.)
<SNIP>
on the
police photos."
"Police?" Konatsu said faintly.
KONATSU: In Nerima? Since when?
NABIKI: It's the new anti-martial artist squad.
@@^_^
<SNIP>
Ranma, for once speechless, stared back at his
"wife".
Involuntarily his eyes dropped lower. His
bald-as-an-egg _all-
over_ " wife".
"Eeeeep!"
PRINCIPAL: 'Ey, dis wahine's da new transfer
student! She gotta get da
regulation haircut, yeah?
@@^_^
Overall impressions... the fight scenes seemed to
drag, especially the
Akane/Shamps one, and they didn't seem to advance
the story too much either in
terms of plot or (related) character development.
You might want to take a bit
of your own advice and look for places to cut. As
with the previous chapters,
the cast generally seems a shade nastier than in the
manga.
@@I worried about that. But I've got to
get Shan Pu and the Amazons involved.
Ukyou was actually part of the build up to
a more climatic fight. I was trying
for a more gradual transition,
showing how the green fire affects
Akane, and those around her.
I certainly could cut out quite a bit.
Right now I'm just trying to get the darn
thing DONE, both for the SLR_AE essay
I promised. (part one posted, don't know where part
two is. And I'm working on the next two parts,
hence the haste to get BF finished and posted, since
the essay is "Evolution of a Fanfic", doesn't make
as much sense if they can't SEE the fanfic I'm talking
about.) PLUS, if I don't get Sukeban Senshi chapter
8 revised, back to pre-readers and posted . . .well
I see a crowd with torches in the distance and I can
smell the tar and feathers being heated in
cyber-space.
One other thing that occurred to me after reading:
it seems unlike Ranma to give
up so fast. Contrary to what he says here about not
being able to deal with
things he can't punch, he's actually fairly
resourceful when he puts his mind to
something. At the least, I'd expect him to make a
visit to Akane's room via the
window.
@@Hmmm . . .a definite plot point. :(
I had a couple of scenes like that, but cut
them. (slash and burn actually) for fear
the narrative was getting out of
control. Yeah, that would make for
a more balanced piece. I _think_ I can whip
something up for the essay. That's actually
a good point to make.
Thanks.
I answer ALL my e-mail. If you ever write and don't
get
an answer, it's a mistake. :(
<SNIP>
2) Due to an orgy of C&Cing
@@No more C&C for a while. (maybe one
or two, but that's it for a while)
I've got tendinitis
in my right arm. I'm packing it in ice but I'm
going
to be a little slow until the inflamation goes
down.
@@Got one of those flex-cold-packs wrapped around my
hand and arm as I type.
(Note to self>> Buy ergonimic key-board. ^_^)
Or a microphone and voice recognition software.
@@<shudder> I can't STAND to hear my words
out loud. Even if I'M speaking them.
Of
course, that might
get a lot of the punctuation wrong, but... er...
well.... ^_^
@@The software would have to be smarter than I am.
A LOT smarter, and be suicide proof, to deal with
my punctuation. (It makes my wife cry. ^_^;;;;
OR laugh) ^_^
Anyhow, looking forward to the next release.
@@Thanks so much for all the trouble you're
going to.
Chapter 5 tomorrow or the next day. (I'm REALLY
trying to fix punctuation before release. Just can't
convince
my wife that fanfiction is more important than
graduate school. So I'm on-my-own. I'd rather be back
jumping out of airplanes. (and I'm terrified of
heights))
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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