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Less violent that last years. Remind me to put that up on my site
BTW, which just so happens to be at http://www.gameart.com/4ca...
Don't take this seriously. Only took an hour... ;) I have 5MTs of
Rayearth and Macross Plus coming soon, but I had to do something for
the festive season...
Cheers,
- Subi [15/12/00]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE: Manchester, the pub, evening, distastefully decorated with
tinsel and crowded with office partygoers. All are loud, all are
drunk, all are behaving in ways they will regret in the morning.
Except five individuals, miserable bastards to a man, four of which
are wearing dark blue t-shirts with large stylised "4"s printed on
them and the fifth wearing a school uniform.]
ARTSUBI: [plonks a tray of five pints down on the table] There.
Cheers.
WRITERSUBI, CODERSUBI & MUSICSUBI: Cheers.
SHINJI: Ummm...
ARTSUBI: C'mon, are you drinking that or what?
SHINJI: Er...
WRITERSUBI: Fag?
SHINJI: Sorry?!
CODERSUBI: [takes a Marlboro Light] Cheap joke. Calm down, relax.
Drink your beer.
WRITERSUBI: Actually, is he old enough to drink?
ARTSUBI: When was Evangelion made?
WRITERSUBI: 1995 wasn't it?
ARTSUBI: And he was how old?
WRITERSUBI: Fourteen... ah. Which makes him nineteen now.
SHINJI: But that's still two years out, isn't it?
CODERSUBI: Welcome to one of the primary reasons why England is better
to live in than America. If you're eighteen or over, down the hatch
it goes.
ARTSUBI: And if you live in the country, you can start when you're
twelve.
SHINJI: But I'm Japanese! And I still feel fourteen! I still LOOK
fourteen!
WRITERSUBI: Oh, just drink will you?! You're an anime character, you
don't physically age. And stop staring at your arm.
SHINJI: Sorry. I'm trying to stop that.
MUSICSUBI: [idlely eating a beermat] So what ARE we doing here?
ARTSUBI: We're here because the Sailor Senshi and Ranma and all his
supporting cast are staking out the flat after what happened last
year to make sure we don't do it again. So we had to set this years
Christmas fic here.
CODERSUBI: [slurps beer] And very nice too.
SHINJI: Wait... I read that. Does that mean something horrible's
going to happen to me?
WRITERSUBI: No.
SHINJI: Or my father?
WRITERSUBI: That's been done. In "Unrestrained".
SHINJI: I don't believe you. Where's the rivet gun?
CODERSUBI: Nowhere. Look, we're not going to hurt you.
SHINJI: This beer's poisoned, isn't it?
CODERSUBI: Certainly not, that would be a crime. Look, I'll prove it.
[downs SHINJI's pint] See? ArtSubi, get him another.
[Grumbling, ARTSUBI returns to the bar.]
SHINJI: So why AM I here?
CODERSUBI: Well, partly it's because we try and include anime that
have been... how can I put this... somewhat overrepresented on the
FFML in these little annual get-togethers, purely because it annoys
people.
SHINJI: Eh?
CODERSUBI: It's an English thing, that's our excuse for everything.
We like being hated. For example, the famous five minutes at the
end of episode 26. Would you have liked that to be the way things
were?
SHINJI: Not really, no.
CODERSUBI: See? That'll piss off a lot of people. But mainly we
invited you here because we wanted to find out once and for all
which one you fancy.
SHINJI: Fancy?
CODERSUBI: In short, Rei or Oscar?
WRITERSUBI: Asuka.
CODERSUBI: Really? I though he was a bit... you know.
WRITERSUBI: I refuse to believe no-one's done that gag already.
Anyway, how could she NOT be a girl? She wears skirts, she's
voiced by a girl and she's got tits.
SHINJI: [blushing] Which change size.
WRITERSUBI: Exactly.
CODERSUBI: I just though she was bishounen.
WRITERSUBI: I dare you to say that after another pint. Besides, you
think bishounen is the same as bisexual.
CODERSUBI: Speaking of another pint...
ARTSUBI: [bringing more beer over] Shall we try again Shinji?
SHINJI: Okay... [he drinks]
ARTSUBI: I just saw Misato over at the bar. [SHINJI sprays beer up
his nose] She does get flirty when she's got a few inside her
doesn't she? Can you breathe when you're doing that?
CODERSUBI: [thumps SHINJI on the back] Here, let me take your beer...
oh dear, it seems to have inadvertently fallen down my throat.
Never mind. ArtSubi?
ARTSUBI: Okay. I think I was getting somewhere with Misato anyway.
I want to ask her if she's got any European in her, and if not would
she like some?
WRITERSUBI: That one never works.
ARTSUBI: Well, if it doesn't, I've got that business card with "smile
if you want me to fuck you" written on it with me.
WRITERSUBI: We'll come over when we hear the screams. And can you get
some more beermats for MusicSubi? He's eaten all the ones we had
here.
ARTSUBI: K.
WRITERSUBI: |\|0 $p34k0 l33t. If you want to talk like a robot, do it
on DALNet.
CODERSUBI: Ah, that takes me back to the Amigascene days...
WRITERSUBI: Shut up.
SHINJI: Um...
WRITERSUBI: Oh yes, I'd forgotten about you. MusicSubi, go get the
girls from the saloon bar would you? [SHINJI panics]
CODERSUBI: Want another drink? Or rather A drink? Here, have one of
MusicSubi's, I don't think he'll want any of them. Not if there's
enough beermats.
SHINJI: Look... I don't really think... I mean I CAN'T choose...
CODERSUBI: Look nothing. Just have a drink.
[SHINJI starts sipping nervously at the pint in front of him. Clearly
this is not fast enough, as CODERSUBI grabs SHINJI by the nose and
tips the entire pint into his mouth.]
WRITERSUBI: Possibly a bad move.
[SHINJI goes green.]
WRITERSUBI: Did we bring the umbrella?
[SHINJI swallows the last few drops and licks his lips.]
SHINJI: *URRRRRP* Actually, that wasn't bad. Now I see what Misato
likes about this stuff. Want a race?
WRITERSUBI: [nonplussed] Pardon?
CODERSUBI: Sure.
[Two more pints are liberated from the group in front of MUSICSUBI's
place.]
CODERSUBI: Right. Ready? Three... Two... [he starts downing his
pint.]
SHINJI: Bastard! [frantically starts drinking]
[Five seconds later they both finish, slam their empty glasses on top
of their heads and belch mightily.]
WRITERSUBI: Dead heat. Ah, here's MusicSubi with the girls.
[MUSICSUBI enters, with REI following, carrying an uncooperative ASUKA
between them.]
CODERSUBI: Can we get you a drink girls?
REI: I will have a white wine.
ASUKA: You are SOOO dead you BASTARDS!
CODERSUBI: MusicSubi, go get a white wine... and I think Asuka's in
the mood for a bottle of Newcastle Brown. So Shinji, which one?
SHINJI: [slurs] Idunno... *HIC*
CODERSUBI: No, we're not having that. We've had it in Ranma, we've
had it in Tenchi, we've had it in Airbats, in El Hazard, In
Nadesico...
SHINJI: [winces] Pleash! Don't menshun that... that... thathathat...
SEND UP...
CODERSUBI: Sorry. But you see our problem, we're just getting fed up
with this non-resolved relationship stuff. Don't you know that
Studio Ironcat said it annoys Western viewers? Choose!
SHINJI: [stands up] Okay. Oooookay. OKAY! You wanna know? I want
ALL of them! I want hot eight-way action between Rei, Ashuka,
Mishato, Ritshuko, Maya, Hikari, Yui...
WRITERSUBI: YUI?! She's your mother!
SHINJI: [points at Rei] Sho's she.
WRITERSUBI: Fair point.
SHINJI: And you can throw in Kaworu for a bit of variety!
WRITERSUBI: Is that Kaworu or Karou?
SHINJI: Who caresh? Let's see the colour of your underwear, girls!
CODERSUBI: Well, in that case, I think we'd better leave you to it.
WRITERSUBI: Yeah, have fun.
CODERSUBI: What's happened to ArtSubi?
WRITERSUBI: He'll be along in a minute. He's just having the shit
beaten out of him by the landlord and his three biggest mates.
CODERSUBI: Why?
WRITERSUBI: Well, he probably tried to pull Misato with his favourite
joke, and it just so happens that the landlord's daughter IS a
leperous lesbian one-eyed hump-backed dwarf.
CODERSUBI: Ah well. Merry Christmas everyone!
[end]