Hi,
My comments @@
Everything is IN MY OPINION . . .ONLY!
If I should, quite by accident, say something you
find useful--good.
Otherwise, hit the delete button.
When you see
Example::
The example is ONLY to illustrate a point.
It does NOT mean I think you should
replace your prose with mine. I'm ONLY
giving an example to, hopefully, demonstrate
what I'm talking about.
--- Omega Point <OmegaP@kensocoll.unsw.edu.au> wrote:
Been a while since I posted the draft I've made a
fair number of corrections
myself, so heres Ch 5
ALL C&C welcome
Founding Fists
Chapter Five - Attention Divided
Standard Disclaimer: apologies for borrowing from
Rumiko Takehashi: for most of the heroes
Buronson and Tetsuo Hara: some concepts and some
direction
Villains and method are mostly our own
Omega Point and Immortal Wanderer
Story Concept
Omega Point and Immortal Wanderer
Written by Omega Point
rd decision
@@This is bordering on "Too Much"
for an Intro.
Four Distinct groups where converging on Nagano,
three of them
deliberately, and well the fourth, Ryoga was letting
his frustrations
lose, "Where am I now?"
Following some way behind was Eonneh, the feline
guardian of a
pendant that Ryoga had foolishly given to Akane, and
was still
blissfully unaware of its consequent result. Close
on Eonneh's heels
where Tofu, Ranma and support, wanting vengeance on
Eonneh for being
that consequence. The fourth group was not related
or rather not as
yet.
@@I like the idea of a "What has gone before"
especially if it's been a while between chapters.
IMO this one could use some tweaking. It's disjointed
confusing and overly long.
Example:
Three groups were converging on
Nagano. Thee would have been a forth, but
Ryouga was still headed the wrong way.
Eonneh, feline guardian of the Mystic Pendant
Ryouga has so foolishly and so tragically given
to Akane was following close behind.
Further behind them all, Tofu, Ranma
and the rest came--propelled by vengeance.
@@NOT the only way of course.
You could, more easily, just give a straight
forward summary of events, similar
to the "what has gone before" from the
old radio and movie serials.
(A modern example can be seen
in the original Star Wars.
********************
Nabiki had finally tracked Eonneh down, in fact any
one would have
thought he wanted to be tracked down. A large
exchange of money for
some artefacts believed to be Incan in origin by one
E. Neh provided
a name to search airline records for destinations.
Strangely enough
his appearance was that of a medium built business
man, totally
destroying any scientific theories of mass
conservation. The give
away though was the strange syntax that he used.
His current destination seemed to be to the north
west of Tokyo,
Nagano.
@@And was that convoluted. ^_^
I suggest you simplify your text and show
more and have less exposition.
Example::
He didn't look like much, Nabiki
thought to herself, keeping a wary eye on
the ordinary looking salary-man. E. Neh indeed.
She frowned down at the airline records she'd
gotten in exchange for some Inca relics. He was
either incredibly stupid, or he _wanted to be found.
@@NOT the only way to do this.
But, notice I've made this a more
active process. The reader is _watching_
Nabiki DO rather than listening to the
omnipotent narrator _tell_.
(BTW, I realize NOW that
it wasn't Nabiki selling the relics.
But it took me several readings to figure it
out.)
You want to go for clarity. Don't get all tangled
up in your explanations. And don't be afraid to
play with word order. It's often hard for a writer
to read her/his own work. When you're so close to
it, it's easy to miss things. Try reading commercial
fiction "critically" . . .look at what the author has
done with his/her dialogue, description, exposition,
etc.
THEN, take it apart. Try to make it better, different.
Another good trick is, after you've finished a
chapter,
pretend you've got to pay $0.25/word to post. OR just
decide
to cut it by 1000 or 2,000 words or more.
For instance, this is about 4,000 words.
Cut it to 3,000. You quickly find out what
is essential and what is not.
It's HARD! I know I fall in love with particular
passages. (I've got one
particular one in Bedlam Fire when Akane
is thinking about food. I _could_ cut it, possibly
_Should_ cut it. But I LIKE it soooo much. ^_^)
"Okay we're going to be coming into the outskirts of
Nagano shortly,
I tracked him this far but I have no real way of
knowing where in the
city he'll head." Nabiki needlessly reminded The
other occupants of
the car.
@@This is where I suggest using a resource such as
http://www.pref.nagano.jp/english/index_e.htm
or the Library, to find out about Nagano. I generally
find the rail/bus/plane schedules (Train in this case)
I get city maps and make sketches. Then I decide where
the Bad Buy is (even if the Good Guys don't know, I
need
to know) With this information it is, IMO, much easier
to
describe the GG's actual plan of attack for searching
for
the BG. It's much easier to use actual street names
and landmarks, and adds detail that fleshes out the
characters and narrative.
"We know, we know." Ranma sighed it was the closest
they'd been able
to get for over a fortnight.
@@Fortnight?
Perfectly good word, just seems unusual for
a Japanese national, let alone Ranma.
Not may English speakers use Fortnight (at
least not on this side of the "pond") nor
do they know it is from Old English
fEowertyne niht>> fourteen nights
or two weeks. Not a real killer, just
a bit odd, IMO.
His extra extensive
training had toned
him even more, and together with Tofu made a very
dangerous weapon.
If he was still uncontrollable around cats, that was
something he may
just have to live with.
"We'll at least you've gotten us this close." Tofu
interjected, Tofu
had become colder over the last few weeks but hadn't
been consumed by
his grief of Kasumi instead he had gained a aura of
menace that made
people step back. Tofu had over the last two weeks
managed to learn
one of the more advanced Amazonian techniques. That
and producing a
ki claw simular to Ranma's Nekoken though not yet as
powerful, and
requiring most of Tofu's concentration depleting
speed and
coordination. But it was a good technique for
surprise value, but
would be better if he could get it to the
instinctive level, making
it no longer as draining on concentration, but Tofu
defiantly did not
want it to be as instinctive as the Nekoken (or at
least not in that
manner.)
@@ A long exposition that slows the action.
IMO better to introduce these things
slowly throughout the story rather
than in one large chunk.
<SNIP>
@@Overall::???
Hard to say. Despite the fact
that everything I "write" seems
to involve blood, guts and feathers
spread all over the place, I like
to "read" WAFFY stuff. (Nurse Angel
and Mama is a Forth Grader are my
favorite anime. ^_^)
So it's sometimes hard for me to properly
evaluate an action oriented story.
I'll make a couple of suggestions,
for what it's worth.
1)Cut the chapter by 500-1000 words,
just to tighten it up.
2) Find all large chunks
of exposition, that is, sections where
either a character or more often
the "omnipotent" narrator has stopped
the story to "explain" or "describe" things.
THEN, decide what parts you
absolutely MUST have and try to work
them into the action.
For example, instead of saying Tofu has
a "ki claw", but it's not as powerful
as Ranma's . . .
SHOW Tofu using the claw or
practicing to use the claw.
And, decide where in the story
you have to introduce or
re-introduce the subject.
Timing is very important.
3)Put the chapter aside for a few
days, then come back to it and read
through. Does it flow naturally?
Is it convoluted? Do you have trouble
figuring out what is going on or who
is saying what to whom? Is it still a good
read?
If you answer NO, to any of these questions,
re-write. You might have to go through
several re-writes to get it just right.
As always . . .Write the story YOU want
to write, the WAY you want to write it.
IF you find anything of value in what I've
written, I'm glad. Otherwise, hit the delete
button. ^_*
Good luck and keep writing.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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