My comments @@
Everything In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful.
Ignore the rest.
From:
"Kit" <third_child@hotmail.com> | Block
address
To:
"FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject:
[FFML] [Ranma][dark] Of Cats and Men
Date:
Wed, 29 Nov 2000 16:53:36 -0800
Greetings...
<SNIP> Somewhat lengthy introduction.
IMO, just a disclaimer in the beginning.
This . . .hard to tell. I think you could have put the
Manga volume notation at the end. I like to get right
into the story. All the information I need should be
in the story. If you're using an obscure series like
Mama is a Forth Grader or D4 Princess THEN
you might want to give more, although I'd still
put them at the end, with just a note at the beginning
to tell the reader where to look.
Of Cats and Men (Part
I)
====================
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" slurred
one boy as
stepped out from the shadows ahead of a little girl on
her way
home from school.
"Come this way often, sweetie?" laughed another
as he
stepped out behind her.
"What do you want?" the little girl called out,
trying to
sound like she wasn't as scared as she really was. She
began
looking back and forth and around her. Due to the
shape of the
alley, from here she couldn't even see the main
street. Four
others had stepped into view, squelching her hope of
getting past
one of them.
@@Pretty good beginning. Starting right out with
the action.
I didn't like "Due to the shape of the alley, from
here she couldn't
even see the main street."
It's too long, passive and clunky. Go for short, sharp
and descriptive.
Try::
She couldn't even see the street from where she was.
OR
Hidden from view behind the dumpster, she couldn't
even be seen from the street.
OR
No one would even hear her scream in this narrow,
dirty
alley.
@@NOT the only way to do this. The point is to make
the description
ACTIVE. Add some detail. I usually try to FIND an
actual street, alley or
building that suits my purpose. (I spend a lot of time
in the library or
at on-line book stores (Powells.com is my favorite) or
doing
on-line research) At the very least I'll draw a sketch
showing where
"she" started, where "she" is going and the alley
connecting the two
points. You want a detailed picture, even if you don't
use all of it,
of what the entire scene looks like. This helps add
depth to your
description.
"Well, me and the boys here, ya see, saw that you
were
walking down this alley with no one ta escort ya,"
began the
biggest of the group. "So, we thought we'd help." His
smile set
shivers up and down her spine.
"T-th-that's okay. I can make it by myself."
Trying to
reassure herself.
"Oh, I don't think you understand," the apparent
leader
smirked. "I know for a fact, there is no way you could
make it
through here without our help."
@@Nice. You set the mood and do a bit of
characterization
of "the apparent leader" in just a few words.
Entire scene is nice.
She jumped when she felt the wall on her back.
They had
started moving slowly forward; she hadn't noticed
herself backing
up.
@@even better. You're putting a lot into this scene
with just
a little bit of action. Excellent.
"That's a good girl. See, we won't hurt you.
We'll all have
a little fun back here and see you safely on your
way." The
others in the group laughed at that last statement.
@@Not quite as good.
Try::
"That's a good girl." He crooned. "We won't hurt
you. We'll all have
a little fun back here-- and see you safely on your
way." His three
friends snickered, hearing such a good joke.
@@Now, I made a few additions to the dialogue, just to
show
what _could_ be done.
However, my _main_ objection was to the last line::
"The others . . . last statement."
IMO, it detracted from the nicely nasty nuances of the
preceding dialogue. ^_^ It was too slow, too bland.
Didn't really add anything, was simply informative.
In my example, I gave the number of companions.
(btw, looking back . . .are there
o "slurred one" + "laughed one" + "four others
had stepped into view" ==1 + 1 +4 =6
or is it 1 + 1 = four total? Or perhaps
1(slurred) + 4(including "laughed") = 5?
And I changed "laughed" to "snickered"
which is a nastier sort of laugh.
And, if you change it to::
"His three friends snickered."
OR
"His three friends just snickered"
You've changed the feel of the scene yet again.
NOT the only way to do this, just to show that there
are
MANY ways to get to the same goal.
"Help," she tried to scream, but her voice had
left her.
"I wouldn't scream if I ." Another began as a
scream from
the right cut him off.
@@Again, too bland. SHOW her feelings.
"Her mouth opened to scream, but nothing came out.
Fear had her by the throat, and she couldn't make a
sound--to save
her life.
"Don't even think about yellin'," the drunk started,
just
as a scream to his right brought him spinning around.
@@Again, I'm NOT saying _THIS_ is the way to write
this, but
it illustrated the use of action . . .show, don't
tell. Use words and
action that fits or sets the mood.
A young boy in a dirty gi had just jump kicked in
the head
one of the gang. Before any of them could do or say
anything; the
boy had rolled over in the air, landed on his hands,
and pushed
back with both his arms and legs kicking the
unfortunate would-be
attacker into the wall. With the breath knocked out of
the young
man, the dirty young boy walked over and broke his arm
in two
places.
@@Too passive. Move to present tense.
NOT
"A young boy in a dirty gi had just jump kicked in the
head
one of the gang."
BUT
Laughing-voice went down, shrieking in pain,
his right knee splintered like rotten wood. His friend
was still
scrabbling for the knife in his pocket when a
calloused foot, black
with grime, shattered his shoulder with a
Dragon-Mountain side kick.
NOT the only way to do this. But it makes the action
more
immediate. The reader isn't being told about something
that happened. The reader is WATCHING it happen.
The leader jumped to grab the girl before she
could even
think of running then yelled to the others to teach
the little
animal some respect.
@@Again, bring this to present tense. Let's SEE and
HER the
leader. (btw, it makes things less awkward if you give
them
names. I called one "laughing voice" and I could call
another "drunken-voice" but if you add names, it makes
for
smoother writing."
Example::
"Fric--Frac! Get the girl, I'll hold off the
cheese-hoarding midget pigs from hell."
"Right boss," Fric called, smoothing his
luxurious red handlebar mustache with the hook that
replaced his right hand, lost in an unfortunate slinky
accident as a child in the Out-Back of New Jersey.
^_^
NOW, we can call Fric by name, and people know
who we're talking about.
In the above scene::
Cursing, Taka Jubei grabbed the girl
by one slender arm. "Get that son-of-a-bitch,"
he screamed at Gendo and Kenta.
Now we know the name of the leader and two
followers plus we know the girl is "slender".
<SNIP> A rather long and involved scene that has
the
same strengths and weaknesses that I've already
pointed out.
Some nice stuff, but it's hurt by over use of
passive tense and very bland descriptions.
Then looking her straight in
the eye with the most vibrant blue eyes she had ever
seen, he
finished, "and I ain't going to hurt ya. I promise."
With that she smiled, "Pleased to meet you, my
name is ."
====================
"Hiromi-chan!" Ranma breathlessly mouthed as he
jumped up
from his seat quickly enough to knock is disk over.
Everyone in t
he class stopped and looked at Ranma, who was looking
toward
Akane.
@@Nice segue. Better if you use (----) rather than (
.)
"Pleased to meet you, my name is----
"Hiromi-chan!" Ranma . . .etc, etc.
"While I am glad you have deemed to wake up for
my class, I
will not tolerate any disruptions Saotome-kun. Sit
down now, or
go out to the hall." The teacher barked. He couldn't
understand
why the other teachers couldn't maintain order on this
class. Of
course he had only just taken over for Suzuki-sensei,
who had
taken an indefinite leave, just a few days prior.
"All right, young man," Hanaka-sensei, their
teacher began,
after it became apparent he was being ignored.
"No!" Ranma shouted suddenly, cutting off the
teacher, then
dove over Akane's desk through the closed window.
Everyone in the class was suddenly up and over to
the
windows, before Hanaka could even think. Never had he
had a
student try to kill himself before. After the initial
shock wore
off, somewhat, he morbidly moved to join the students
looking out
the window.
@@He must be new. ^)_(^
<SNIP>
====================
<SNIP>
Rather nice piece about Chibi-Ranma in school.
You still need to watch the passive voice.
Some of the dialogue was a little stilted.
All in all a good section though.
====================
"Hey, wait up." Nabiki shouted to her young
sister as she
left the school at the end of the day. Akane turned
and looked
very annoyed, but she waited. Nabiki smirked. That
meant she wasn
't really angry or she would have just kept on,
oblivious to her
calls. 'You are so easy to read, Akane.'
"What do you want?" Snapped Akane.
"Just to have a nice walk home with my sister,
like we use
to do." Nabiki chimed.
"We never walk home together and I'm not in the
mood." Akane
replied, not really turning down Nabiki's offer.
@@Good. I'd quibble about a few
words or punctuation here and there.
However, overall this sets a tone nicely.
Dialogue and action fit AND flow smoothly
and naturally. The sort of scene you read and don't
really notice you're reading. You just fall into it.
Very nice.
The "Just to have a nice walk home . . ."
and
"We never walk home . . .and I'm not in the mood."
was, IMO, VERY, very nice.
The timing, the wording, the mood and setting . . .
it all fit together seamlessly.
<SNIP><<
====================
<SNIP>
Overall: B+ on basic story.
C on telling the story.
Interesting idea and it pulled me in.
Unfortunately you vacillate between
some very nice writing to rather
bland and passive writing.
However, I think you got
a potentially VERY good story here.
I suggest you go back through and
change passive to active.
Look at the dialogue carefully.
Watch for simple awkward phrasing.
Taking care of that will help a lot.
Cut 1,000 words. Just that simple
exercise will force you to look for
passages that really move the story
and others that are just fluff. It also
forces you to choose the words you have
left VERY carefully.
I think it's got a lot of promise
and these are the changes I would make.
HOWEVER . . .
It's your story. Write what you want, the
way you want. NEVER make a change you're
not comfortable with.
I hope I've helped some.
Good luck.
{I'll try to get to part 2, but
I'm still working through about
1MB of old mail. ^_^)
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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