Comments on Comments $$
--- xelloss@pp.nic.fi wrote:
Hi,
Comments @@
Everything IMO, only.
If you like what I write and the
way I write then my C&C might
be helpful.
OTOH, you might be better off deleting
this stuff and reading the back of a cereal box.
^_*
Doubt that. Now lessee If I can put in my two
monetary units.
"Hard work or not, there has to be a way to
beat
them," said Mina.
"Everyone has a weakness."
"The problem is," put in Artemis, "your
powers
were designed for
fighting the creatures of the Negaverse. If
Ami's
right about these new
opponents not being from the Negaverse, you
could
very well be in over
your heads with this fight!"
@@Personal POV. Looking at all 200 episodes of SM,
this doesn't _quite_ jibe. I can see how it
_could_
work.
I have to agree. For the powers to be
target-specific, is...
utterly stupid, IMO, for their powers were created
BEFORE
the concept of Negaverse existed.
$$That was what I was trying to say. Thanks
for clearing it up. ^_^ HOWEVER, if the author
wants/needs this particular plot point, go
ahead, just add a bit here and there to make
it "feel" more likely.
I can't object _too_ much since I had
something similar in chapter 7
of Sukeban Senshi--Senshi v. Aragami.
The Senshi were having trouble fighting
Aragami, not so much because their
powers were ineffective, but because
1)The Aragami were _very_ tough
2)They hadn't evolved tactics or had time
to learn Aragami weak points. (Aragami
have a single weak point, their "beads")
My point is, rather than a mysterious
"our powers don't work", have a reason that
follows logically from the rest of the story.
EVEN IF the reader and the Senshi don't know
at that particular moment. Personally I think
it's better if the _reader_ knows just a little bit
more than the characters.
In this case, if, at some earlier point, some mention
is made about the new enemy . . .perhaps showing
that they regenerate, or they feed on cosmic energy,
or "geee . . .that reminds me of something I saw a
long
time ago on the Moon Kingdom. It makes me uneasy."
Sort of comment or observation, either by a character
or the third person narrative, that starts to nudge
the reader
toward the idea that "Hey? These new bad guys aren't
push-overs. The Senshi might be in trouble."
Then, bit-by-bit, show WHY.
There are a LOT of reasons.
1)They EAT Crystal Energy
2)They're slightly out of phase with time/space
so the Senshi Attacks pass through/bounce off
3)They're FAST!
OR
4)They're just plain TOUGH!
Decide this before you introduce them. THEN, a little
at the time, let the reader and the Senshi, figure
this out.
suffer if we don't keep fighting!"
"If we do keep fighting, the people who
suffer
will be us," said Rei
glumly. "We're going to need some kind of plan
to
defeat them." Six
pairs of eyes turned to stare at Ami.
"What?" asked Ami, sweatdropping. "I haven't
got
a plan!"
@@IMO, "sweatdropping" or "sweatdrop" is
a fanfic convention that is better off NOT used.
I realize other writers use it, along with
<shudder>
"facefault", but IMO . . .it's "cheating", a way
to
avoid
developing real descriptions.
MY POV only.
So, how would YOU describe a situation where someone
would sweat-drop or face-fault?
$$I'm glad you asked that.
1) Sweatdrop:
A red-tide of mortification crept up Nabiki's neck
as she realized Akane had found her secret stash of
Hello Kitty's Greatest Hits CD collection.
OR
"You BASTARD!" A vein bulged in her forehead
as, shaking with rage, she turned on her enemy. "You
ate it
ALL?!" With a tortured scream of electrons
Tsukino Shingo vanished in a flash of silver light, an
empty
carton of Rocky Road, falling from his non-existent
hands.
$$I'm showing various emotions, anger or embarrassment
in
this case.
$$Facefault:
{well, IMO, this indicates surprise or shock, looking
at the Anime}
Ranma's jaw dropped and his eyes bugged out like a
tromped-on-piglet as Kasumi swayed seductively toward
him,
wearing only what God had given her at birth. Mt. Fuji
had
somehow lodged itself in his throat and he swallowed
hard,
realizing that God did _good_ work.
"Ranma," she purred in a furry alto that tickled him
down deep in his tummy, "do you like what you see?"
"Do I!" he reached past her and snatched
a newspaper out of her hand. "They've just released
a digitally re-mastered copy of ^�Drunken Master II'!"
Ranma vanished in a tiny pop of imploding air.
"Akane! Ryogua! C'mon . . .you guys gotta' see this!"
Kasumi remained frozen in mid step, where
Nabiki found her three hours later, motionless except
for the violent twitching of her left eye.
"We're sunk, then," said Serena. "We might
as
well give up now. If
even Ami can't think of a plan..."
"Now wait just a minute!" shouted Ami. "Who
says
I can't come up
with a plan? I haven't had any time to think of
one!"
Lita clenched her fists. "Well, if our
powers
are useless, we'll
just have to find some new powers!"
"New powers?" asked Serena. "Where do we
find
those?"
@@TV: "Come on down to Powers-R-Us! All this week,
Hyper-Beam-Destructo-Ray, only 9999.95 Yen. And to
the
first one hundred customers . . .A brand new
Magical
Girl
Theme Song by Mayo Okamoto!"
But Sailor Moon's original transformation sequence
has
a groovy tune!
$$Yes, BUT if you buy a power-up they throw in
a free song. ^_^ (It's a promotional gimmick. Mayo
hasn't
had a real hit since she got married and had a baby.)
<SNIP>
@@RYOKO: "Why don't we just kill everyone
at both those schools??
BERYL: "You FOOL! That would reveal our presence
to
the humans."
RYOKO: "Yeah, but the only ones who can stop you
would be dead."
Hey, it IS canon that QB is both insane and stupid.
Of course, it could be theorized that it was the
remaining good in her fighting against what she
had become, and she subconsciously fought against
her proclaimed goals... Hmm... there's a fic there
to
be written...
$$Actually Beryl is Usagi, fleeing through time
to escape Pluto, bent on re-shaping the world in
her image. She's injured and loses her memory,
ending up leading a rebellion to try and get back
to the Moon, even though she doesn't know why.
Did I mention I was working on yet another SM story?
(Not soon though. Sukeban is taking a lot of time)
<SNIP>
------------------------------------------------------------
<SNIP>
Overall: C+
(A+ would be Krista Perry or Jamie and Bridget
Wilde)
Remember, this is a subjective grade.
Sticking to either Japanese or English names, and
some more
research to the Smoon background and concepts, and
you'd
get a 'B' from Allyn, I bet ^.^
$$That's a point, certainly. However
the biggest problem, IMO, was a certain
lack of detail and some forced or
contrived plot continuity. This is
JUST my opinion. I'd like to see
a LOT more detail, more little
things that indicate
the emotional state of the characters,
especially Ranma. I'd also like
a little more "friction", some
dynamic tension. Things seem
to be proceeding too smoothly.
There are some BIG problems, the
Senshi having trouble beating
the "monster-of-the-week" (AKA
Ranma, Lina, Ryoko) for
example. But I like
to see more _little_ details
that flesh things out.
Ranma of course, worrying about Akane
but also having come conflict about
killing an innocent to save her.
Some more detail on the thoughts
and fears and hopes of the other characters
would be good.
Don't be in such a rush to get
from Point-A to Point-B. ^_^
Please REMEMBER!!!
C&C is a personal opinion.
My C&C indicated how I would
like the story to read OR how I would
write it. IF you find anything useful
in my C&C , I'm glad. But it's ONLY
a single opinion.
ALWAYS write what you want to write,
the WAY you want to write it. NEVER feel
you have to change because someone else says
you should. Write for yourself.
LOVE the pun in the title, btw. I only wish I
could do
things like that.
nodnod.
$$Good luck.
________________________________________________________________
Ilmainen Internet @ http://www.nic.fi/
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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