HI,
Thanks for writing.
comments on Comments $$
--- Dave Menard <deibu_kun@sympatico.ca> wrote:
<SNIP>
_That_ girl was not only
after her
fiance, she was eating into her restaurant's
profits.
Ah, Ukyo's very own special brand of
obsessiveness... (Y'know, you're
gonna tick off a few Ukyo Churchies with this
characterization, accurate
though it may be. It's a good thing this Akane's so
nutso herself. I like
parity of insanity.)
$$I've been warned about that before. So far I haven't
heard from them.
Actually I like Ukyou. I like ALL the characters. It's
hard to come up with a Bad Guy in Ranma.
I just exaggerate characteristics. In this case, Ukyou
spend TEN years looking for vengence . . .and her
world seems to consist of Okonomiyaki and . . .ummmm .
. .well that's about it. Even her fantasies of Ranma
include Okonomiyaki in most instances (that I can find
in manga)
"You ought to put something on that bruise."
Akane
said briefly, glancing at San Pu's attempt to
print a map of
##San Pu? I assume this is a typo, and you meant
to use Shan Pu. (That
is, unless you've decided to start a whole new
romanization scheme...)
$$Tupo . . .errr . . .tYpo. ^_*
Qinghai province on Ukyou's face--with her fist.
She could
smell Kashiwa-mochi cooking. She loved the
sweet-bean and
rice-cake confection wrapped in an oak leaf. Her
father had
always bought it for her, even though it was a
traditional treat
for Boy's Festival. If Ranma found out, he would
tease her
about being such a tomboy.
##These little "culture notes" are a hallmark of
your fics, and they're
definitely informative, BUT... I'm not sure whether
this scene really needs
'em. It just seems to be tacked on here as padding.
Of course, if you plan
to make Kashiwa-mochi a plot device, ignore my
comments above.
@@Not in and of itself. Trying to add a little to
Akane's personality. And to show her mind wandering
just a bit due to "green fire" influence.
"Listen you," Ukou flushed angrily, making
the bruises
stand out in horrid contrast. "I know you did
something to my
Ran-chan. Ranma honey wouldn't have cut class
unless you
did something to him!"
##Umm, Ukyo? We are talking about Ranma SAOTOME,
right? (This is a
little bloody-minded, even for Ukyo)
$$Well, Ranma IS a comedy. I just use the events w/o
the comedic overtones. Think about all the sharp and
blunt instruments, drugs, explosions in Ranma daily
life. If it were NOT a comedy, they'd need a UN Peace
Keeping Force. ^_^
I just keep the obsession and remove a little of the
comedy.
<SNIP>
##Again with the cultural notes. Once again,
informative (and
appetizing- if I should ever get the chance, they
sound worth trying) but
they seem out of place. I guess maybe you're trying
to show Akane's
distractedness here? Like she can't focus due to the
Green Flame's
influence? If that's the case, maybe just mention
the names of the foods
she's thinking of, rather than describing them.
$$I tried that. It seemed a little off. I'm trying to
show Akane focusing on happier times. It might need a
little re-write. I'll look at it, but so far it
doesn't seem to be a real problem. (not of God Eater
proportions at any rate) ^_^
You may lose readers briefly, but what it seems
like now is a case of
"Rod 'n Don" ing. Y'know...
<SNIP> ROTFLOL
I exaggerate, but do you see what I mean?
$$Yes.Point well taken.
I'll see what I can do. (OTOH there are some
readers who LOVE this sort of thing. I usually just
skip over it if I'm not interested.)
<SBNIP>
"Genma
promised
marriage. He stole my dowry. He stole my honor. He
stole my
_womanhood_!"
##If this is a post-vol.38 story, Ukyo seems a
little _too_ bitter for
the time period. Maybe the Flame is affecting those
around Akane as well,
making them angrier and more aggressive than usual?
It's just that, while
Ukyo certainly must _think_ about these things a
fair amount, using them as
a basis to attack akane out of the blue like this
seems slightly out of
character. Even Shampers and Kodachi generally need
something to set them
off before they go bananas...
$$??? Ummmm, well, when we last left them they were
throwing BOMBS at the wedding. I'd say that qualifies
as a "aggressive". And in the Cursed Doll anime,
Shampoo and Ukyou didn't need much to set them off.
(following and attacking because the "cursed" Akane
was walking with Ranma) Again, IMO, I'm just removing
the comedy and leaving the violence and obsession.
<SNIP>
"You've been leading Ranma around on a
leash,"
Ukyou snarled, "making him do stuff that he
doesn't want to
do. It's going to stop now!" With a ritualistic
flourish, Ukyou
dropped into an offensive stance, spatula held at
high middle
guard position.
##Ah, the current grievance at last. Considering
that the only way the
attempted wedding could fit into Ukyo's worldview
would be if Ranma was
being coerced, this makes sense. Of course, that
still leaves us with the
question of "why now?"
$$Because Ranma's been spending a lot of time with
Akane (because she's been acting so oddly) But Ukyou
(who I'd classify as a stalker, borderline psychopath,
if Ranma were NOT a comedy) can only see this as a
threat. (I'm basing this a little on actual stalking
cases where women see other women as rivals. Scary.
Some of these women have NEVER even met the man
they're obsessed with)
<SNIP>
"You must have thought the 'Tunnel of Lost
Love' was
pretty funny?" Akane asked. "And when I was
possessed by
that Demon Doll?" Ukyou hung limply as Akane held
her by
the throat. "And throwing bombs at my wedding? I
bet you
thought that was hilarious!" Ukyou cried out as
Akane
viciously twisted her nipple. "DIDN'T YOU!"
##Ouch. The flame is quite the sadist, eh?
Nasty.
$$Errrr . . .the murdering canabalistic genocidal
Necromancer and the atomic bombing of Japan at the
start didn't offer a clue? ^_^
(And I DID put in the warning at the start)
<SNIP>
##Someone else may have mentioned this already,
but this is very
reminiscent of the Princess Bride. Not that that's a
_bad_ thing, not at
all...
$$Yep. Princess Bride, Jules De Grandin, Shadow,
Spider--Master of Men, etc, etc. I'm drawing on every
pulp story I can think of. (And Princess Bride had
every cliche ever made of Heroic/Romantic story
telling. AND did it very well)
I actually thought about having Akane watch Princess
Bride earlier in the story, but decided that might be
a bit much.
<SNIP>
"Sam . . .urai. I am . . . am . . .
SAMURAI!" She
punctuated the scream with a savage blow that
shook a two-
hundred old oak. "SAMURAI! SAMURAI! SAMURAI!"
## "Ow!" the tree suddenly yelped, disgorging a
battered-looking Tsubasa,
who immediately focussed on his attacker. "You hurt
my sweet Ukyo! Prepare
to die!!!"
"Aha!" the Green Flame-possessed Akane smiled
viciously. "Finally, a
character I can kill without alienating half of
fandom!
Moo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha!!!!"
$$LOL. I'm glad I DIDN'T think of this. I might never
have managed to finish (well, almost. at 99%)
VERY funny.
<SNIP>
##Brr. I'm not sure I like this Akane. She's
scary... ~_^
@@Good. But . . .you ain't seen nuthin' yet.
This story has carnage on a scale unseen on a fanfic
scale. (well, almost. ^)* )
<SNIP>
A tiny frown creased Kasumi's smooth brow
indicating, for her, a severe disturbance of her
normally placid
nature. "Please come down to dinner." she asked
again. "I've
made your favorite--egg custard with octopus balls
and rice,
cold Chinese noodles and Okinawan sweet fritters
with
walnuts and raisins," she added temptingly.
##See, now _here_ the description of ingredients
make _sense_, as Kasumi
is trying to tempt her out of her room. (Once again,
it sounds quite yummy,
too. If you or your wife actually know how to make
any of these dishes, I'll
have to cadge a meal off you someday. Yum.)
$$^_^ Yes, I thought this worked better myself.
Give me a little advance notice and I'll see what we
can do. {Have to catch the Okinawan first. They scream
and wriggle around when you're trying to de-fritter
them.)
<SNIP>
##Hee. You may want to clarify that the dress is
Akane's, as the first
time I read this I thought it was Kasumi's. Cute,
though.
$$Based on Manga where Akane accidently spills ink? on
Nabiki's new sweater. Then find out it's HER sweater,
that Nabiki has filched. (along with 2/3's of Akane's
closet)
<SNIP>
She felt like a bottle of soda that had been
shaken hard.
If she didn't let the bubbles out, she would
explode.
##Great simile, a very vivid image. Nice.
$$Thanks.
<SNIP>
differences between boys and girls with his new
girlfriend. A
charming young lady, refreshingly free of curses,
challenges or
magical artifacts.
##Nani? Do such girls exist in Nerima? ^_^
$$Nah, they import them from Hokaido.
<SNIP>
the hazard lamp blinking at the top of the
lightning rod and into
the cool blackness of the night. Clouds drifting
over the face of
the moon caught her attention and she decided to
race them
across the sky.
##I like this scene, it shows an innocent joy
that's been noticably
missing in this story so far. It's nice to know that
there are some pleasant
aspects to the Green Flame's power.
$$This is actually <gasp> an important plot point. ^_*
<SNIP>
<SNIP>
five thousand feet, she had, at most, sixty
seconds of life, as
the cold crystalized her blood and explosive
decompression
pulped her internal organs, like a bullet train
hitting a rabbit.
##Hmm. GLs, even the golden-age one, fly into
space with alarming
regularity, so the Flame should be able to pull this
trick off no problem.
Even bearing in mind that the power needs to be
recharged every so often,
(Golden-age GL needed to recharge every 24hrs) Akane
hasn't been flying
around for more than a few hours... Unless, of
course, this version is
powered solely by 'negative' emotions, and is sapped
by happy thoughts, like
Akane's joy in flying...
$$That's part of it. Recall also that
the ONLY thing remaining of Green Lantern is
the _colour_ green.
However, this is a bit of foreshadowing.
I try to play fair with the reader and give them
clues as to what is going on.
<SNIP>
Dazedly she watched the moon and the lights
of Tokyo
swap places as she tumbled through the night sky.
It took her
over a minute and better than five thousand feet
to remember
where she had been.
"oh . . ."
And what had happened.
"shit!"
##Not that I object to swearing on general
principles, but Akane doesn't
seem the type to do so, IMHO, even as an expletive.
'Crap" I can see, but
not 'Shit".
$$She's falling to her death from 80,000 feet . . .and
your worried about her _language_?
^_^ (actually this shows up a couple of more times in
the story. It's kind of a running gag. NOT a BIG gag,
just a little chuckle, if you're very subtle in your
outlook)
I did think about this for a long, long while. I
decided (having jumped from airplanes, AND had a
malfunction) that this wasn't an unreasonable
reaction.
<SNIP>
Eight thousand feet.
She had a history assignment due! She'd never
get into
a good college if she flunked the course.
##Strange, the things one thinks of in
near-death situations...
$$Based on some real life stories of people who almost
died, but survived, just. This whole scene is built on
a composite of those stories. There seems to be
1)Disbelief, this can't be happening
2)disconnected thoughts (I can't die. I've got to get
the rental car back or i'll lose my deposit) actual
thought of a person caught in an under-tow and being
slammed into the sea bottom.
3)anger
Seven thousand feet.
This was a stupid way to die. Ranma would
never let
her forget how stupid she had been.
##The lack of logic in that statement can be
attributed to panic, I
suppose ~_^
$$Fairly normal, from what I've read. People worry
that it's a stupid way to die. (actual thought,
actual wording.) I can't die in this stupid way.
Six thousand feet.
"RANMA! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"
##Ah, of course it is. Thus is the balance of
the universe maintained.
$$ A little bit of Ranma-verse, a little bit of
reality. At near-death you sometimes blame someone
else.
<SNIP>
Emerald fire roared into life and Akane
clawed at the
sky in an effort to slow her deadly fall. One
second, then
another. And a third. The fire roared and Akane
thought that
she was actually going to make it.
##Aha. It IS fuelled by anger and hatred, then.
All becomes clear.
$$Well, just be sure you keep reading carefully. ^_*
<SNIP>
Interesting. I take it that there's more to
come?
$$about 450KB .TXT at 99% or so complete.
I'm taking a break to catch up on my e-mail and
C&Cing.
(I've done about .5MB with about 1MB to go)
It's very interesting,
if a little reminiscent of "Furies".
$$In what way?
I try NOT to berepetitive I'd like to think
I'm getting better. If Furies is my apex, I'll quit
writing. (don't want to bore people)
Then again, if
you can't borrow from
yourself, who CAN you borrow from? ~_^
Re-reading chapter one, something occured to me.
Akane uses a
Flame-powered shinai to smite Happosai, right? But
the flame can't effect
wood in any way, and Shinai, being made of bamboo,
are certainly wooden. So
is that a glitch, or did Akane smite him all on her
own?
$$That's the second time that's come up. :(
Recall she was beating a DREAM spider, in her dream.
(It was just Happosai's bad luck that HE was the
spider. ^_^) The "Shinai" was ALL in her mind . . .
which then reproduced it using "green fire" which beat
the dream spider, which just happened to be in the
same spot Happosai was lurking. ^)*
Anyway, keep up the good stuff!
Dave Menard
-------------------------------------
<SNIP>
$$Thanks for writing. Glad you liked it.
I thought I'd have chapter 4 out today,but I've been
busy with C&C and e-mail.
I'm _trying_ to proof read. (my wife is starting on
her PhD and has downgraded fanfiction. silly girl) ^_^
Should be out tomorrow.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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