[The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set]
[Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set]
[Some characters may be displayed incorrectly]
Heh... is it a coincidence that my last daily chapter is the one that's
turning into a serial discussion? I've been waiting for this for a long
time! ^_^
And sorry in advance if I'm a bit snippant... it's a stressful time
for
me, and I tend to be very defensive when I'm stressed. Just a
warning.
Good thing you warned. Though stress makes for good darkfic writing.
Where do you think The Portal came from? As well as some scenes from
this story...
Once again, I'm not mixing anything. Those are both names from the
dub.
If that's the only reason you're twitching, on the other hand...
maybe I
should label this story [SM Dub crossover].
I doubt that's neccessary.
I think the names Allyn's referring to are 'Ami' and 'Rei', as, I
believe
in the dub they were 'Amy' and 'Raye', though I think 'Raye'
pronounces
nearly like 'Rei' except for the harder R in japanese.
'Ami', 'A' is pronounced as 'o' in "now", and 'i' is pronounced
somewhat
like 'e', except a bit shorter.
OK, after checking Toonami's database, I concur. The names will be
changed in the revision (see below).
@@IMO, "sweatdropping" or "sweatdrop" is
a fanfic convention that is better off NOT used.
I realize other writers use it, along with <shudder>
"facefault", but IMO . . .it's "cheating", a way to
avoid
developing real descriptions.
MY POV only.
It's a fanfic and ANIME convention. (I don't read enough [read
"any"]
manga to know whether the sweatdrop appears in them or not...) I
don't
use sweatdropping, facefaulting, and other such conventions in
series
that don't have them. Sailor Moon characters sweatdrop rather
prolifically; so in keeping style with the show, I follow the
convention. In my original anime works, I don't.
Again, I wonder how *Allyn* would write a scene where someone sweat
drops or face-faults. Would he use english literary conventions
instead?
Besides, Anime mannerisms are contageous. Not that I have
face-faulted,
*yet*...
It's like saying "Lina cast the Dragon Slave" rather than describing the
entire action every time, I suppose. It's a brief term that some authors
use to describe a repeated action. (I'll probably describe the whole
spell at least once more... did anyone notice that the Dragon Slave has
stock footage when cast in the SM universe?)
Besides, they're supposed to go through some kind of traumatic
event before gaining that power. ^.^ Maybe the Moon kingdom
was founded by some sort of Saiyajin mutation...
(as they gain power by going near-death.)
Or maybe they are powered by strong emotions, like Ranma's
Moko Takabisha...
I don't know much about that... I didn't see season R, and in Super S,
Pegasus gave them their new forms and powers. But they didn't trust him
at first...
There's a reason Artemis can't remember the details, and it's
brought up
(sort of) in the next chapter, when Pluto explains why the situation
is
so grave. This particular fact is not explicitly mentioned, but the
Sailor Scouts discovering new powers would be as dangerous as them
getting killed at this point.
I'm betting their bodies couldn't handle it, or some equivalent ^.^
(hands 1000yen to Nabiki)
You've lost your money.
Beryl doesn't want to kill more innocent humans than she has to,
believe
it or not. What would be the fun of taking over a world without
innocent
people to torture?
IMO, Beryl's plain insane. So anything goes.
Actually, your Beryl is at least twice as capable as the one in
Anime...
Stupid bad guys get boring quickly. I'm exploring Beryl's craftier side.
Ranko, shy? Maybe if she's hoping to get something for it, like a
free
scoop of ice cream. NOT if she's forced to go to school as a girl
for
the purpose of hunting down and killing other girls.
Nodnod.
(s)he's probably be much more like to appear quite silent and, sullen?
as there's a decent possibility of having to kill people.
I wonder, how would Ranma go through something like that?
Either being personal and merciful, or inpersonal, using an
area-attack...
You'll see... chapter 4 or 5, most likely, will be Ranko/Ranma's first
casting of suspicion toward a possible candidate...
I do like your description, which is exactly why I can't use it. Not
only because it is now YOUR description, but because I'm trying to
set a
mood. Class is boring. We'll get more explicit description of this
later
on, but for now, the school day is hateful for Ranko, and the dry
description gets a bit of that across. Think about The Wizard of
Oz...
it starts and ends in black and white. Do you think people
complained
because the scenes weren't colorful enough? (Well, maybe, but there
was
a reason for that too.)
Good points. Maybe some slight improving in case, so the *text* isn't
boring to read. In this time with people having a three-second
attention
span, it's harder than ever. But I doubt how to write about something
presumably boring without being witty about it. Maybe by being cold?
then again, that might lessen the impact with Ranma's, er, Ranko's
appereance... Hmm.
After careful consideration of Allyn's remarks, I have decided to revise
both Ranko's and Amelia's first appearances at the schools. Ranko's will
be quite a bit more action-oriented, and Amelia's will be revised to
match. (Oddly, it was Amelia's scene that I thought was the drier of the
two.) I'll send the revised scenes when they're done, and post a link to
the revised version of the full chapter (which will, among other things,
have the correct spellings of the American names).
Getting sidetracked, who, me?
Of course not! Now, what was that about bagels?
This is Serena's class... So is it Haruna-sensei teaching?
(dunno what she's called in the dub)
I didn't see the full first season, and have no idea who any of the
teachers are. I've filled in a minor character of my own creation to
fill the unimportant role, which is about the only way I can think of to
deal with gaps of knowledge that I can't fill. If you know who the real
teacher is and are really bothered by the replacement (who is most
definitely a man, given the revision...), it's a substitute, OK? People
suddenly appearing, taking important roles in society for a short time,
and then disappearing has never made the Sailor Scouts or anyone else in
this universe suspicious. Pretend he's an advance scout for the aliens
from season R.
The mood? MY intended mood was that Ranko's bored and fed up with
being
pushed around, but has to hold back for Akane's sake. Hence the
boring
description... well, enough about that.
Of course, you might make the classroom scene quite um, shojo, so,
the break is even more jarring...
"Shojo" meaning girly or something like that? Maybe the revisions, when
I finish with them, will be more along the lines of what you're looking
for.
@@Who is saying this? "Amelia"? Or Stephanie?
Amelia. Stephanie spoke in the previous paragraph. Not that it
COULDN'T
be her, but... considering the context, I thought it was pretty
obvious
who was speaking.
Quite, yes. But, as always, it's best not to assume anything.
There will be more action at this point in the revision, so it will be
quite clear who's talking.
Nah... it's one of those deus ex machina things. You know... the bad
guys are always led to suspect the wrong person by some strange
coincidental twist of words or events. I have Amelia suspecting
Stephanie because it fits the feel of the show.
Or 'Amelia' is just suspicious 'cause Stephanie has a bigger chest.
^.^
At which point this diverges from Slayers, btw?
AFAIK Lina was 15 or 16 when she met gourry, and eighteen during
Try. Actually, I think she's slighly taller in Try...
Who said anything about Try? Though it might be a bit of a spoiler, this
Lina comes from the end of Next. Lina had left Naga's company (or vice
versa) long before she met Gourry, if I haven't got my timelines mixed
up. Didn't Lina learn the Dragon Slave while traveling with Naga? (I
haven't seen all of Try yet, if Naga comes back... but I'm quite sure
that the movies and Slayers Excellent [or is Great the name of the OAV
season with Naga?] take place before Slayers the original series).
Wow... nested parentheses. Reminds me of my *twitch* Scheme coding days.
Actually, the first chapters of "HOI" are not that good.
She too, has improved with time.
Also, everyone has their preferences, and styles. I'm not
sure if Perry would even fit in the top ten, If I started listing
the authors I like. Allyn would probably be higher on the list
than her.
I actually (sorry) haven't read any of Allyn's work, or at least don't
recognize the name. My free time is pretty limited, so I just stick with
the stories that catch my interest. I could probably quantify which
stories those are, but I won't bore you with details. I've only been
reading from the FFML for a few months, so if the story was started
before this summer and never reposted from the beginning, I generally
don't get into it.
Interesting idea and I like the idea of using Ranma
as a bad guy. Mixing Japanese with English names is,
IMO,
a VERY bad idea.
Mine too. That's why I never do it. ^_^
Consciously, at least...
Right. Problem shall be dealt with posthaste. (I was going to say "dealt
with forthwith" but that just sounds stupid.)
*sigh* You really want me to go back over this and majorly rewrite,
don't you? Well, I suppose I'll see what I can do. I'm definitely
going
to stay away from the scene you gave me, particularly because Ranko
is
NOT going to be shy. But I may be able to capture some of that
effect
without ruining my original intent for the scene.
That's good.
Don't take Allyn's advice as gospel, though. Stephan Gagne has written
many successful fics with "plot first, characters second" attitude,
though
that seems to be the reason he ran into problems with Starboard...
With lots of action planned, it might not be that good an idea to let
characters to develop too much, for they might, god forbid, solve
problems without fighting.
Oh, those attempts never work. Ryoko, for one, is just dying for some
action, and some of the later guest villains have rather malicious
intents for the Sailor Scouts. (Actually, one of those scenes fascinated
me so much that I've written almost eight pages of it already... and
it's only around half done.) As for Ranma and Lina's attitudes toward
having to kill the Sailor Scouts... wait and see. Their motivating
factors evolve as the story progresses.
I think it's got potential, especially if you work
with Ranma. A LOT
of dynamic tension possible with him. Conflict between
Akane's life
and innocent lives. PLUS, all the people who will die
if the Senshi die.
(I _refuse_ to use the "SS" word. ^_^)
Lina, surprisingly, has probably the easiest time killing people.
After all,
she comes from somewhat paper-cut 'Sword and Sorcery' world.
But generally she's fighting bandits or evil mages or creatures. Not
innocent people. She's been known to defend innocent people.
The Space Pirate Ryoko wouldn't have much problems either, though
current Ryoko(after Tenchi) might.
Right... she certainly has enough history of violence in her past that
killing will come rather naturally to her, particularly with the added
incentive of protecting what Beryl has in her crystal. But even Ryoko
has a compassionate side.
It's a good thing they were given direct order to avoid in-fighting.
Beryl has learned her lesson well. Like I said, I give bad guys more
intelligence than most people would, because I find them to be
relatively misunderstood, and therefore very interesting.
One thing I can think Ranma doing, is, (if he can manage enough
thinking,
that is,) that as the order was to kill the senshi, if the girls would
be
unable to become senshi, there wouldn't be a problem, right?
Hmm... interesting thought. But, once again, as you will see in chapter
3, that would be just as bad as killing them. No, I'm afraid that
Ranma's attempt at such a solution would anger Beryl enough to prompt
the crystal's destruction.
You don't like Lina and Ryoko? They've got tension too. I'm just
leaving
that until later.
What do they look like in their disguises, BTW?
I didn't seem to catch how the magic changed their appereance.
Lina looks the same, but without her jewelry (the amulets, earrings, and
so on). It may seem ineffective, but the Sailor Scouts' tiaras and
miscellaneous jewelry disguises them adequately... (In chapter 3, Lina
is rather irritated that Stephanie doesn't recognize her as Amelia, and
brings this point up to herself.) Ryoko doesn't have a disguised form,
which is why she has to wait in the Negaverse while Ranko and Amelia go
to school.
LOVE the pun in the title, btw. I only wish I could do
things like that.
Really? It was a working title... but I guess this is a vote for
keeping
it.
It's pretty good. Maybe a bit too funny for the seriousness of this
fic,
but can't tell much about that yet.
I thought he meant the title of the fic, but he meant the chapter
title... The fic itself is serious, but Sailor Moon and the main
crossover series (Ranma, Tenchi, Slayers) are all humorous at times,
even in the midst of much seriousness. So I take the time for some
lightheartedness here and there, so that the whole thing doesn't lapse
into a depressing fic and drive the reader to the depths of depression
that are reserved personally for me.
Allyn mentioned a lack of plot developement, but IMO with relatively
short chapters I think you can afford two or three chapters for the
set-up - assuming you can churn them out at a relatively high speed.
I'm doing my best... Chapter 3 is proceeding quite well at the moment,
and as I mentioned, I am working on a future scene that I am sure people
won't want to wait for when I get there. The thing about this plot, and
most of my plots, is that they shift as the story progresses. At first,
it seems like a simple battle, but then the search for the Scouts' true
identities comes into play. Each character's motives will change (once
they have been revealed, of course...) as new information is given and
events shape the way they feel about their mission. And the semi-random
elements of new enemies thrown into the mix will stir things up even
more. But before I lapse into gratuitous spoilers... I'd better sign
off. (Maybe I'll send a teaser of the fight scene I'm working on, if
anyone really wants to see it.)
- Nidoking
BURNS: What is this? Some kind of force field around these vegetables!
HOMER: That's the sneeze guard. You have to lean under it to get food or
sneeze on stuff.
JOHNNY BRAVO: *sigh* The only woman I ever really loved... and she's
gone. I wonder if I'll ever get over - Hey! Nuggets!
JACKIE CHAN: Oh, sorry. I broke your spy camera! (pause) SPY CAMERA?!
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp