Hi,
Comments @@
Everything IMO, only.
If you like what I write and the
way I write then my C&C might
be helpful.
OTOH, you might be better off deleting
this stuff and reading the back of a cereal box.
^_*
Doubt that. Now lessee If I can put in my two monetary units.
"Hard work or not, there has to be a way to beat
them," said Mina.
"Everyone has a weakness."
"The problem is," put in Artemis, "your powers
were designed for
fighting the creatures of the Negaverse. If Ami's
right about these new
opponents not being from the Negaverse, you could
very well be in over
your heads with this fight!"
@@Personal POV. Looking at all 200 episodes of SM,
this doesn't _quite_ jibe. I can see how it _could_
work.
I have to agree. For the powers to be target-specific, is...
utterly stupid, IMO, for their powers were created BEFORE
the concept of Negaverse existed.
suffer if we don't keep fighting!"
"If we do keep fighting, the people who suffer
will be us," said Rei
glumly. "We're going to need some kind of plan to
defeat them." Six
pairs of eyes turned to stare at Ami.
"What?" asked Ami, sweatdropping. "I haven't got
a plan!"
@@IMO, "sweatdropping" or "sweatdrop" is
a fanfic convention that is better off NOT used.
I realize other writers use it, along with <shudder>
"facefault", but IMO . . .it's "cheating", a way to
avoid
developing real descriptions.
MY POV only.
So, how would YOU describe a situation where someone
would sweat-drop or face-fault?
"We're sunk, then," said Serena. "We might as
well give up now. If
even Ami can't think of a plan..."
"Now wait just a minute!" shouted Ami. "Who says
I can't come up
with a plan? I haven't had any time to think of
one!"
Lita clenched her fists. "Well, if our powers
are useless, we'll
just have to find some new powers!"
"New powers?" asked Serena. "Where do we find
those?"
@@TV: "Come on down to Powers-R-Us! All this week,
Hyper-Beam-Destructo-Ray, only 9999.95 Yen. And to the
first one hundred customers . . .A brand new Magical
Girl
Theme Song by Mayo Okamoto!"
But Sailor Moon's original transformation sequence has
a groovy tune!
"I think there's a way to rise to a higher level
of Sailor Scout
power," offered Luna, "but I can't seem to remember
what it is."
"Neither can I," said Artemis. "I wish I
could... I've forgotten far
too much."
@@AMI: (thoughtfully) "There's some interesting new
research on how lowering testosterone levels improves
memory."
SERENA: " Really, how do you do that?"
AMI: "Castration"
ARTEMIS: "It's all coming back to me."
Heh.
"They have not yet seen Ranma in this form.
She will be
registered as a transfer student at Crossroads
Junior High School."
"Who's going to check out the other schools?"
asked Lina.
"You will," replied Beryl. "A simple spell
should be enough to
obscure your bangles from mortal eyes and give you
the appearance of a
common schoolgirl at Grass Valley Junior High
School. We are quite sure
that most of the Sailor Scouts attend one of those
two schools."
@@RYOKO: "Why don't we just kill everyone
at both those schools??
BERYL: "You FOOL! That would reveal our presence to
the humans."
RYOKO: "Yeah, but the only ones who can stop you
would be dead."
Hey, it IS canon that QB is both insane and stupid.
Of course, it could be theorized that it was the
remaining good in her fighting against what she
had become, and she subconsciously fought against
her proclaimed goals... Hmm... there's a fic there to
be written...
"Then what do I get to do?" asked Ryoko.
"Your part of the plan will become clear in
time. You will have the
most important part of all."
"All right!" cheered Ryoko, slamming her fist
into her palm. "Now
THAT sounds more like it!"
Beryl waved her arm, and a portal opened behind
them. "Ranma, Lina,
go. Keep your powers in check until you can discover
a likely candidate.
Once you think you have discovered a Sailor Scout,
isolate her from the
rest and confront her. Ryoko will assist you in
forcing her to reveal
her identity, and then you can destroy her."
"What happens if the girl we find isn't a Sailor
Scout?" asked
Ranma.
Beryl considered this. "Remove her from future
consideration."
"What the heck's that supposed to mean?" asked
Ranma.
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Lina. "Once she knows
who you really are,
we can't let her tell anyone else."
"We're supposed to kill innocent girls? That
wasn't part of the
deal!"
"The deal is anything I choose to make it," said
Beryl. "If you
value what the crystal holds, you will do as I say!"
@@Nicely sinister.
Kinda Starwars-y.
I'm currently betting it's Tenchi who's trapped by Beryl, as
the reason for Ryoko's compliance... though there might be
a twist there.
And unless this diverges from TM before Kagato, there's bound
to be intervention coming from either Washuu or Tsunami, if things
get too hairy. Unless, again. if you're going by the TV or Shin...
Hm. Read a while back, that Ryoko, when she matures, and with
all the three gems, is equal in power with Tsunami...
Hm.
room, leaving
behind a confused and slightly irate Ryoko.
*************************************************
"Good morning, class," said the teacher, waiting
Ranko
sighed. Having to kill innocent girls she could
probably learn to deal
with. Going to school was another thing altogether.
@@<ouch> That's cold. ^_*
Cute, but rather breaks the mood, IMO.
Might be the intention, though.
Amelia examined Stephanie's cheerful smile and
long dark hair.
"Don't get me wrong. I'm not a very friendly
person."
@@Who is saying this? "Amelia"? Or Stephanie?
Actually, this is the point where I stopped reading. The name
'Stephanie' overloaded my suspension of disbelief.
Not your fault by any means. I know this is placed in the dubverse,
so I should deal... Which rises the question: how can Ranma&company
be speaking English? Ah, nevermind that. I'll just get my headache.
It's easier than thinking about the convoluted crossings.
"Really?" asked Serena. She cast a quick glance
at Ami and swallowed
the food in her mouth. "I can't imagine a school
tougher than
Crossroads."
"Oh, you'd better believe it!" said Ranko. "The
Principal of
Furinkan was a lunatic!
@@Mixing English with Japanese names.
IMO this is VERY annoying. Why not just
stick with Japanese throughout?
nodnod.
Though, there might arise continuity problems, if your
knowledge comes from the dub. There probably are some
subtle characterisation differences.
"Judo, eh? I study mostly kempo myself. It might
be interesting to
see how our styles interact." And to meet some of
your other friends,
she didn't add aloud.
Actually, Ranma does little kenpo, specifically Shojinri
Kenpo, which is basically an okinawan version of the
Shaolin Kungfu, though this is oversimplifying things.
This can be seen in his most basic stances and punches,
while Akane seems to be using some style of mainland
Karate.
@@A nice bit of dialogue. Flowed fairly smoothly.
More importantly if flowed _naturally_, as if
people were really speaking and interacting.
Not perfect, BUT . . .feels very natural. You want
to try to get ALL of your dialogue and scenes
to flow smoothly and naturally at this level or
better. IMO, use this bit as your standard
of comparison for the rest of your writing.
This should be the baseline. You want
everything at this level or above.
Good work.
^_O
I agree. I'll be reading the next chapter, certainly.
------------------------------------------------------------
<SNIP>
Overall: C+
(A+ would be Krista Perry or Jamie and Bridget Wilde)
Remember, this is a subjective grade.
Sticking to either Japanese or English names, and some more
research to the Smoon background and concepts, and you'd
get a 'B' from Allyn, I bet ^.^
LOVE the pun in the title, btw. I only wish I could do
things like that.
nodnod.
________________________________________________________________
Ilmainen Internet @ http://www.nic.fi/