My comments @@
Everything is IMO ONLY.
--- ebonbird <ebonbird@hotmail.com> wrote:
********
Title: Mistled (NEW2FFML) 1/1
Author: Ebonbird (ebonbird@hotmail.com)
Summary: It's the second day of the year and Jun's
taking
down the Christmas decorations.
Notes: Utoland is a mishmosh of East meets west, in
my mind.
Leave me alone about Thanksgiving being a North
American thing.
@@Darn it. :(
For a description of "Thanksgiving in Japan"
http://www.weekender.co.jp/LatestEdition/991203/goingaround.html
All other comments and criticism are welcome at
ebonbird@hotmail.
com
Disclaimer: Swan Jun, Eagle Ken, Condor Joe,
Swallow,
Jinpei, Owl Ryu and Hakase Nambu belong
to
Tatsunuko Productions. The lyrics to
"Oh-girl" as
sung by the Chi-lites have been
reproduced without
without permission. Everything else in
the story is
copyrighted to me. Please don't sue me
Tatsunuko,
I'm just doing my part to keep
Gatch-love alive.
Anyone who wants to archive this or send
copies
of this any where, please contact me and
get my
permission before doing so. I can be
reached at
ebonbird@hotmail.com
**********************************************************
**********************************************************
1.
The girl stood staring out of her recently denuded
window, her
hands propped against her jukebox.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The sky shone a benign gray. The sun behind the
cloud cover
paled through, a fuzzy edged disk. The light posts
were still
dressed up to look like candy-canes and catty-corner
to the
check-cashing place, artificial evergreen bunting
tied off by red
velvet wire bows festooned the empty fruit bins of
Mr. Kim's
grocery. The green plastic matting, beneath the
rocks Mr. Kim
had used to weigh it down, looked lonely and
exposed.
@@I like it. Evocative, moody.
Very nice. (I tend to blow things up
so I'm always impressed with people who
have a deft hand with emotions)
Two women, possibly mother and daughter, walked out
of
the metro exit and onto the sidewalk. The older one
carried
a white bag and wore a coat of a soft yellow color.
She'd
pinned a red ribbon to her lapel and wore metallic
green
earrings, bells.
@@ "B'gad Holmes, that's astounding. How did you
know?"
(Nice scene. Reminded me of Sherlock Holmes though.
^_^)
The other woman was laughing, dangling a red and
beige scarf
in her mother's, she had to be her mother's, face.
@@ in her mother's--she had to be her mother's--face.
(easier to read, IMO)
They both had
thick lashed eyes, narrow as string. The younger's
eyes curved
almost shut as she smiled. They looked fresh, their
glow intensifying
when they spotted Jun staring at them through the
window.
They waved.
Jun waved back.
They stood like that, the three, waving at one
another, until the
daughter took hold of her mother's elbow. In
synchrony they
inclined their heads. Their mouths moved, also in
synchrony.
Reading their lips Jun smiled and bowed as much as
the
jukebox allowed her; whispering, "Happy New Year,"
in reply.
Waving, the women turned the corner and passed out
of sight.
@@<sigh> VERY nice.
(all i can do is blow things up. ^_^;;;;)
Jun sighed, then noticed that the sky had brightened
a degree.
The gold foil, hiding in the red and white twined
garland of the
streetlight candy-canes glinted at Jun, sharp and
sweet.
Those woman had been so nicely dressed, thought Jun,
smiling
to herself.
She wore old jeans, a much-loved pair that did
nothing for her
figure, fitting snug around her hips but bagging
shapeless over
her bottom. Her face was puffy from too much sleep
and, a black
curl, having escaped the faded red kerchief that
held back her hair,
grazed her cheek. She looked far more tired than
the amount of
work she'd accomplished warranted.
She had stuffed the lights, big old fashioned
semi-ovoids of
red, green, yellow, blue, orange and white, into a
cardboard
box, carefully put away the cellophane charms that
had dangled
from the sill and reduced the soap-made snow drifts
that had
decorated the windows to a bucketful of grimy water.
@@^_^ I can finally criticize. (thus earning my
title of C&Cer) IMO, "semi-ovoids" is
just a little overdone. But, what the heck, the rest
is so well done, who cares. ^_*
<SNIP>
WOW!
Overall B+ to A-
Exquisitely crafted writing.
A few minor nits.
The _only_ "flaw" that I can find is timing.
IMO it would be a stronger story if shortened
a little. It gets just a little fuzzy, loses some of
its emotional impact ,due to length.
It's a really good slice-of-life drama
as it stands. AND, any thoughts that I might
have, are purely subjective. Also, I'm not
sure how valid they are. Writing these detailed
descriptions of the "little" things, evoking
delicate emotion . . .very difficult. And, very
VERY nicely done.
Boy, I wish I could write like this.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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