"ashes2ashes" <slayer0@zoomnet.net> wrote:
Note: Public or private c&c is appreciated.
Well, seeing as an actual fic is a nice respite from all the cabbit poop
on the list these days.... :)
Ryouga tried to shrink further under his umbrella. He knew it was a useless
gesture. Soon, the snow would start to melt and he'd be thrust into hell.
His kept his face cast down. For once, it didn't matter that he was lost. He
He kept
had no where to go.
nowhere
Couples passed him on the street with their arms intertwined and laughing
joyfully.
Their arms were laughing? :) Might want to re-word that.
No one gave Ryouga a passing thought as they bustled by with their
busy lives. The cold wind blew through his cloths sending shivers down his
clothes
Not even a snowballs chance in hell. She had always loved him. He lost the
snowball's
battle before it had ever begun. Just like always, second best, the
understudy. It doesn't matter how hard he sweated, bled and fight. He could
never win.
AKANE: Actually, Ryoga, you weren't really second best.
RYOGA: *sniffle* I wasn't?
AKANE: No. After Ranma, there would've been Shinnosuke. And after
him....
RYOGA: ... thanks, Akane.
"Mommy can I have that?"
"Mommy, can
Ryouga looked toward his right and saw a young boy and his mother. The young
boy was bundled up so tightly the only skin visible was his bright blue
eyes. He pointed to a store front window and rocked back and forth on his
heels.
Suggest 'bundled up so tightly that only his bright blue eyes were
visible.' (Eyes aren't skin. ^_^)
"Of course you can honey, if you're good," the mother replied hugging her
can, honey,
replied, hugging
"Of course," she replied taking his hand and continuing down the sidewalk.
replied, taking
"All good boys get what they deserve."
WOMAN: As long as they come from well-to-do families, of course.
Otherwise, screw 'em.
BOY: Thanks for clarifying that, Mom.
Ryouga stared blankly at the retreating forms of mother and son. The
mother's words rang bitter in his ears. Is that was what happening now? He
was getting what he deserved?
RYOGA: But... but I shouldn't! I haven't been a good boy!
He picked up his pace and continued his wandering. He needed a place to sit
down. He was so tired of walking. Every day . . . walking . . .walking . . .
it felt like he was a conveyer belt. No matter how fast he ran, he always
like he was on a conveyor belt (I think you mean)
A frozen lake lay in the middle of a large clearing, cluttered with ice
skaters. Young and old alike, skated on the frosty lake. There were pros
alike skated (no need for the comma)
"I really hope Mikado and Azusa aren't here." His shudder had nothing to do
with the icy wind. "At least I would have someone to beat up on, guilt
free." Ryouga sighed. He didn't even have fighting Ranma anymore. At least
his rivalry had been some direction, be it a bad one, in an otherwise
been a direction, albeit a bad one,
Ranma and Akane were married; happily married, and ready to take over the
dojo. They'd eventually have kids too . . . kids . . . he couldn't imagine
having a kid. He wasn't sure he wanted to ever have a child. No one deserved
to have a parent that couldn't be there for them. He had done it twice over,
'He had done it' sounded at first like it meant he'd already had two
kids. You might want to reword this.
He sat in silence for more than a half an hour, intently gazing at the
delicate snowflakes as they made their chaotic journey to earth. Finally
when he couldn't take his turmoil of emotions anymore, he picked up his
backpack from the side of the bench and procured a bottle of sake. He stared
at the liquid in inside. He hated the stuff. It was the cowards way out, an
liquid inside.
easy escape.
RYOGA: *glug glug glug glug* *burrrrrrrrp* Here's to cowards!
The snow collected on his shoulder as he was lost in his thoughts. Lost in
his inner turmoil, he didnt notice the shifting of weight on the bench as
another person sat down. He did notice, however, when said person reached a
hand out and snatched his bottle of sake.
RYOGA: Give that back!
PERSON: No! Claudette is MINE! I want my little Claudette!
"Whatever, I don't really give a damn anymore." She took a long swig.
Grimacing, she sat it back down and glanced at him numbly. "It was a
beautiful wedding wasn't it?"
wedding, wasn't
Ryouga pushed held back his own tears with sheer will power. "Yes, it was.
Akane was . . . an angel." Saotome's angel . . .
RYOGA: Wait! That's it!
UKYO: Huh?
RYOGA: "Saotome's Angels!" To ease the pain of failure, I'll write a
pointless fanfic crossover!
UKYO: [smashes the sake bottle over his head]
"Ranchan looked so dashing and . . . happy." Twin daggers of ice stabbed
both their hearts, and then twisted. Large salty tears ran down Ukyou's face
as she looked Ryouga in the eyes. "We're supposed to be happy for them
aren't we?"
them, aren't
"What about you and Akari?" Ukyou wiped her face absently with her sleave.
sleeve.
Ryouga's face cringed like he had been slapped. Pain that he had been almost
been able to ignore flooded to the surface. Like a jagged blade it ripped
out his soul. He couldn't hold back the tears as they spilled over the rim
of his eye lids. He almost lost complete control, but somehow reached a hand
eyelids.
"Your lying." Ryouga smirked, despite his pain. His companion glared at him
"You're
"I much prefer it to looking inside myself." His small smile faded as he
took a long swig of sake and drained its contents considerably. The
heartbroken okinomiyaki chef looked forlornly at the bottle.
okonomiyaki
"Hey your drinking it all . . ." She glared at him but there was no real
"Hey, you're
"Welcome to the real world spatula girl." His misery enveloped him like a
world, spatula
"Yeah something like that." A faint blush appeared on his pale face.
"Yeah, something
"Nothing, Ukyou that's the problem." He took off two bandanna's. He handed
Ukyou. That's
bandannas
(The multiple bandanna thing only worked in his initial fight against
Ranma, BTW. At least one later story (the skating challenge thing comes
to mind) shows that he only has one bandanna after that.)
Ryouga saw her look, and shrugged noncommittally. "That's ok we got another
"That's okay. We
"Nah." He pulled another bottle from his pack. "Wanna hear something funny?
We Hibiki's have got money, I've probably got as much money in my wallet
Hibikis have got money. I've
They sat in silence for a few minutes, passing the bottle back and forth and
getting new ones when they ran out. A young couple holding hands strolled
passed them, laughing and giggling. They didn't seem to have a care in the
world as they leaned into each other for support and whispered things into
each others ears. When they finally disappeared from sight, Ukyou turned
other's
towards Ryouga.
"So what's your plan Hibiki? Get drunk, fall asleep in the snow, and die?
plan, Hibiki?
die?"
"Maybe, I'll join you."
"Maybe I'll
"He'd still miss you. I'm not going to let you kill yourself with me. I'd
just have guilt in the after life."
afterlife."
"I'm startin to get a bit tipsy."
starting to
or
startin' to
"I'd punch you if you would stop swaying from side to side." She blinked and
tried to focus her eyes. She shrugged as the four Ryouga's turned into two.
Ryougas
"I'm sorry Ryouga-chan."
sorry,
He shrugged. Why was she apologizing anyway? He couldn't remember . . . Hey
they were on their fourth bottle now. "Ah, dat's ok."
Hey, they
"Achoo!"
"Ah man, all over my shirt." He looked at his sleave and wrinkled his nose.
sleeve
"No coddle. Pervert. Get your mind out of the gutter."
"
Ukyou's eyes slowly slid closed and then flashed openly quickly. Her alcohol
filled mind wanted to shut down. Whatever big pillow she was leaning against
alcohol-filled
"Merrry Chrisstmass jackaaasss."
Chrisstmass, jackaaasss."
The two fell asleep for the rest of the night. In the morning, Ukyou awoke
with a pounding headache and wondering why she fell asleep next to P-chan.
Nevertheless, she took him home with her. He looked just as sad and lonely
as she was . . . and oddly seemed to have a hangover too . . .
UKYO: Well, I'd better give him back to Akane. I'm sure she's worried
about him.
All in all, fairly standard Ukyo/Ryoga fare. Like most of the genre, it
brushes away too easily some real reasons why the two might not get
together. Akari, for example. Considering Ryoga's enormous desire to be
liked by a woman, it'd take a lot for him to give up on someone who's as
crazy about him as she was. Not that it couldn't happen, but IMO it
takes more than just a few lines of dialog to make it convincing.
To this story's credit, it doesn't go too far and end with Ryoga and
Ukyo walking hand-in-hand off into the sunset or something like that.
Some nice imagery throughout the story, though occasionally bordering on
the melodramatic (e.g. the icicle stabbing through the heart thing was a
bit much for me, though maybe it's just that I've read too many
angst-fics.) My favorite part of the fic was near the end when U and R
had gotten drunk; the interplay between them was nicely understated.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html