Just a couple of minor nitpicks....
snipped for just making minor points
<<The skin on its face was peeling off, revealing bloodied
muscles among patches of purple skin and white bones that portruded
from its sides. It was also obvious as to who has an advantage. The
creature stood towering over her, and she only came up to its
mid-section.
had the advantage
<<The creature winded its arm back and thrusted it downward at
Ranma-chan with surprising speed. Ranma-chan saw its telegraphed
movement, and jumped up onto its arm. She ran along the creature's
arm before it could be retracted, and jumped up to deliver a kick to
the creature's face. The creature howled in anger, and attempted to
swat Ranma-chan off its face. She jumped away before the hit
connected, resulting in the creature hitting himself in the face.
should be wound its arm back and ...connected, which resulted in the
creature...
There are a couple of other sections in here as well, mostly in the firght
scene. My main thing to say is that if you are writing it as past tense,
it's better to stay in past tense, so you may want to be more careful about
that. I know that writing fight scenes are difficult, and you want to
describe the action as if it's just happening at that moment, but you just
need to be consistent with whatever tense you are in.
Other than that, I love the plot. Somebody mentioned earlier about the
removal of a scene where Ranma accidentaly kills one of his rescuers. I like
the change, and I look forward to more chapters.
Ron Duncan
President - Residents of the Wired anime club
Proud supporter of breaking up all of Takahashi's great relationships - just
so I can take all the ladies for myself... ^_^ (and maybe a couple of
Tenchi's ladies too hehehe...)
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